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Again, Exactly how Stupid Am I

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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

It's easy to see what you should do looking in from the outside. It's a lot more difficult looking at it from the inside. It's kind of like raising kids. I remember just how easy it was when they were theoretical. When I had my own, it was a shit show and all my ideas of how I would parent flew out the window.

Deep down, you know what to do, what you need to do. You just need to get your head and heart aligned. A good IC can help you detach. Detaching is a process just as attaching or falling in love is. I remember what my EXWW said to me after an IC session a few months before DDAY#2. My WW came home and told me about a discussion they had in which she expressed some concerns about my behavior. The IC just said, "that's because he's detaching from you". Now, my WW was and is a tremendously stupid person, and did nothing about the revelation. I would even tell her constantly that the house is on fire and your rearranging the furniture...figure...it...out! Never did.

I was married 27 years when I filed and 31 when the D was official. The real healing began for me when I got my own space, free from my EXWW. Even the kids know that she isn't allowed to ever step foot in here. I don't want this sanctuary defiled by her negative energy. Being separated physically from the source of my trauma has allowed me to unpack and process things in a way I never could with her. It would be like trying to get your blisters to heal while still wearing the shoes that caused them.

As I continued to detach and detox,my thinking became clearer. I had to unpack and examine each thing in my life over the years. I cannot tell you how many "holy shit!" moments I had overvthe years when I would realize that something I thought or believed was in fact, the complete opposite. 🤔 I thought my W was a prize, but in fact,I was the prize. I thought I was lucky to have married her, but realized I married down in a significant way across a whole host of criterion. When I started to realized these things, I wanted to take myself into a back room and kick my own ass for being such an idiot. Live and learn I guess.

So what is my point? It's certainly not brief. Sorry... I guess I'm trying to say that sometimes we're married or attached to an idea, not a person. There's a fear that if we honestly and rationally examine that relationship, then we are never going to un-realize things. And if we do that, we are going have to be honest with ourselves and act. That's some pretty scarey stuff when the action is something as big as ending a 25 year M. You'll be hard pressed to find a BS around here who regrets D. You'd probably find many WS's who do (if they stuck around). I imagine they move onto the next relationship pretty quickly rather than do the hard work on themselves. Maybe that's a generalization, I don't know.

Please get yourself some good IC and start extricating yourself from this mess, however that looks like for you. Where you are is not a healthy place to be. I'm going to leave you with one question. If you could talk to the version of yourself 25 years from now, what advice would she give you?

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8755859
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 5:35 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I think you need to re-title this thread to read:

Again, Exactly how Stupid Is He?

You wanted to preserve your family and tried to see the best in a broken person. There is NOTHING stupid about that.

You gave him every chance and he blew it again. That’s on him.

I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you do, but I really like the sense of urgency to line things up to be free of him.

I hope that you gain enough strength to act on it much sooner.

No need to be around him at all while you line things up. You don’t have to tell him you know, just that you need some space.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8755861
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:21 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I cannot stop shaking and he isn't going to stop no matter what I do, is he?

He hasn't stopped ever. Why would he now?

No, he isn't going to stop this. He doesn't care how much he's hurt you and continues to hurt you. He doesn't give a flip for you or your feelings or your marriage and hasn't for a long LONG time.

But enough about his bullshit. What are YOU going to do?

YOU can make a change for yourself.
YOU can leave this lying POS and have a calm happy peaceful life.
YOU can choose to stop tolerating his bullshit.
YOU can choose to get out of infidelity.
YOU can choose this right now, TODAY.

YOU can't stop him doing exactly what he chooses to do.
YOU can't control his behavior.
YOU can't make him get his head of his ass.
YOU can't make him care about you or your marriage.
YOU can't fix him.

This all ends when you say when. This is entirely within your control.

So what's stopping you?

ETA - NMSB you are not stupid. You're weary and traumatized and run down by years of his abuse and flagrant disrespect. But doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result is literally a definition for insanity. You are killing yourself trying to get him to change and value you and he has shown you time and again for YEARS that he. does. NOT. care. I'm sorry he's such an ass, but please love YOU enough to stop tolerating this. You deserve so much more than this and a better life IS out there for you but you won't get there with this douchecanoe layin' on your leg.

(((NMSB))) Hugs and also gently shaking you. You can leave his azz. I promise you CAN do it.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 10:27 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3561   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8755885
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:52 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Ugh, that’s a punch in the chest. You can’t go on like this. It’s soul sucking. You only get one life and you can be spending it with someone who truly loves you, even if that means by yourself, it’s better than putting up with this shit. At least be truly in love with yourself and take care of yourself accordingly.

I need a documented income (even though my freelance income should be enough, but isnt) to get my own mortgage on the house. we just renewed it unfortunately a year ago, so the penalty will be steep to cancel it. I want this house.

Be careful with this. You may not want to inflate your income prior to divorce as it may skew the settlement equation against you.

And BTW, You’re NOT stupid.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:56 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

posts: 942   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8755887
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 12:12 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I don’t get the AP…..why settle for someone that lives with his wife and has to message them good night from his home? There are plenty of single men she could actually be with. They really are bottom feeders aren’t they?

posts: 185   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8755896
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Losttransport ( member #39409) posted at 12:49 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

This right here. This is what my stbxh was doing. Before DDay they were texting over 8,000 texts per month. That’s not counting the phone calls. When did they have time to work? I don’t know.

After DDay, it just went underground, but she was still his first text and last message of the day.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I just don’t have enough words for you, except to say we are better than this and we can make it.

Me: BS-50
Hubby: WS-50
OW: his high school girlfriend
Affair started last November
3 DD, 1 DS all grown
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

posts: 126   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 8755903
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:50 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

You are not stupid, you expect truth and transparency and he failed. The stupid one is him. So sorry

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8755904
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I hope you continue to keep your eyes open and embrace the anger and get some shitndone to change the situation.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19510   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8755906
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

He doesn't deserve you.

He's been cruel and abusive for 25 years. How many more years are you going to spend hoping he'll turn into a decent human? By then, you'll be dead and buried cuz it's never going to happen. I hate to be so pessimistic about another person but he's proven to you time and again who he is.

Northern, here's how I see it: You are now FREE. Free to live your life. The world is all out there for the taking.

(And just to be fair, I should add that if he ever turns his life around, you can get back together. But I'm also sorry to say I believe once you're free of him, you'll never look back. As sad and miserable as I am, I do not want my XWH back in my life in any way, not even to have a casual chat about our kids or grandkids on occasion.)

I think you should create a playlist of songs about being free and freedom and blast it when you're driving and in the shower, etc. Sometimes we need those frequent reminders when it seems so hard. Learn to consider him just someone who needs a place to stay - be civil if he speaks to you but don't engage on any level. And good on you for already having such a handle on your financial situation.

I'll be cheering you on.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8755910
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YankeeGal ( new member #78558) posted at 1:35 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

Please leave before your legs are too old to carry you. Hugs.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8755911
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

How does he look me in the face every day and make plans and tell me he loves me? I just don't get it. Why doesn't he just be with her if he obviously cannot live without her?

He's not ever going to let her go.

NOTHING about affairs make sense duh . He doesn't want to be with the adultery co-conspirator or he would be with her. He wants to be exactly where he is...and he is an idiot for doing this. He is throwing away an AUTHENTIC life for a few ego kibbles in some STUPID fantasy land in his head where he has two women who love him rolleyes . The only thing is...the adultery co-conspirator is just as selfish...no love there for him either duh .

I am so sad to see this is happening to you (((HUGS))). Whatever YOU need to do to HEAL...I pray that you can. I will also pray for you to have PEACE.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6234   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8755976
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:25 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

My sister wants to fly here and do something anatomically incorrect to him.

Would it really be incorrect at this point or something he really deserves?

posts: 1301   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8755993
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 6:30 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

When it was time for me to leave it brought me a lot of peace to stop focusing on WS. I was driving myself crazy with the WHY, HOW. I couldn’t control him and trying to figure him out was making the anxiety so much worse.

I found more peace when I could focus on myself and the facts.

He did what he did so what was I going to do about it. What has happened can’t be undone, so what was my path to finding a peaceful life again?

You know what to do. Start working toward peace and get this coward out of your life.

Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.

posts: 829   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8756038
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:42 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

(((NorthernMSB))) the stupid one here is your WS not you. Going forward put all the focus onto yourself and self-care. Start to extricate yourself from this M by detaching and implementing the 180. Definitely stay in separate rooms and stop doing ANYTHING for him including cooking laundry, whatever it is he asks of you, you can now stop. Stop checking up on him too and block him on all social media you do not need to torture yourself with this stuff anymore. It may take some time to leave but start planning it, getting the jobs lined up and putting away money then when you feel confident you can do it on your own make the leap. Life is REALLY good on the other side of this. Also head down to S/D forum ;) lots of great support there for those no longer R'ing.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8332   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8756041
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:48 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

How are you doing?

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8756085
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 10:06 PM on Monday, September 19th, 2022

I know I just replied a little while ago but I've continued to think about you since then. I wish I could tell you how much I wish I hadn't kept keeping my marriage together for the last 10-15 years because the end result was him leaving me when I was 67. Not only was I older, I'd become depressed and let my friendships fade away and had quit going anywhere. For a man who dumped me faster than you can say Pepperoni, just a week prior to that he couldn't drive the 3 miles to CVS without calling me at least once.

I used to lay in bed at night and think "Is this all there is? Oh, I can't leave him, I could never hurt him like that." I felt sorry for him because he was such a sad sack. Efforts to talk to him about it were futile. Time just kept going and I kept sitting and procrastinating and slipping further into my own abyss of depression/not caring about much of anything.

Had he left me when I was only 57, I could've gone back to work. I could've had coworkers and the friendships that can go along with that. I could've had a reason to get up everyday and brush my teeth and put on real clothes. Which all would have resulted in the 67yo me having friends, having hobbies and activities, being happy, being financially stable. I used to read 3-4 books a week, I used to love to watch football games, I used to love music, I used to love playing cards. I don't do any of those things anymore because I can't concentrate long enough due to my "PTSD" (I'm not officially diagnosed with it).

Northern, trust me when I say that you have been given a gift. The gift of freedom. I encourage you to take it and run with it.

All the best to you.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8756091
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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 12:43 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Thanks for all the support everyone.

I am fine/not fine. I have moments during the day when I feel this overwhelming anger, then they pass. I have a knot in my stomach constantly, but I am carrying on.

I have my IC appointment tomorrow and a meeting with a mortgage broker on Friday to see exactly what I need in place to get a mortgage and what my penalties will look like on the current one. I am speaking to one of my longterm clients on Thursday to see if we can put anything in place for the next 6 months-1 year with respect to work (something tangible for the broker).

Things are quiet here, he is back to work tomorrow.

He blocked her on all platforms etc., maybe he blocks and unblocks her all the time (who knows) but I simply don't give a shit anymore.

So, that is what is going on. smile

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8756170
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staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 2:39 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

NMSB, I’m sorry your WH continues to disrespect you and devalue you. Choose you. Choose your dignity. Let the AP have him and move on with your life. I’d bet their hot relationship is based on the excitement of sneaking around. There’s nothing better about this AP, but your WH loves the risk. Once they can openly be together, it will get boring. And by then, you’ll have a fabulous new life without him. Take care of yourself!

posts: 676   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8756180
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Evertrying ( member #60644) posted at 6:06 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

You are right. He is never going to stop, so YOU make it stop - For yourself.

You can't control him and he's proven over and over again that he's a liar and a cheat.
Get yourself out of this and stop being his doormat.

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1240   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8756221
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 6:49 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

NMSB, I'm with tushnurse. Hold onto your anger and use it to get some shit done. It is awesome you're getting right into IC and talking to the mortgage broker. KEEP GOING.

When I found out the WXH was at it again, I found it very therapeutic to take 90% of his belongings and throw them out onto the front lawn. (The last 9% was found as I cleaned out his rooms of the house and deposited on his parents' driveway. Not gently. The final 1%, he came and picked up while I sat there very calmly and ignored his bullshit sob story.) Not that I'm recommending you do that, but first check with your local laws on throwing cheating bastards out of your house, and see if it's an option.

His reactions, please, promises, commitments, LIES just don't matter anymore. He lost his right to be important to you the moment he broke NC with the OW. YOU are your #1 priority from now on, so take good care of YOU.

BTW, I like your sister.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.
WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone.
D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8756225
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