We recognize infidelity affects everyone, and that both men and women can be the betrayers or the betrayed. Where words such as "he"
are used in a general sense, they are meant in the universal sense, and are not necessarily male-specific.
The articles in The Healing Library are the works of members from their perspectives at the time of their contribution. These articles
do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the founders, the volunteer staff or the members of the website.
submitted by SerJR
This primer is intended for betrayed spouses that have just arrived to the site looking for a quick-start guide of advice and what to do.
The first important thing to note is that there is no instant gratification, recovery, or magic bullet. Recovering from an affair takes hard work, sacrifice, patience, commitment, and time. Right now you are confused, in pain, and feeling helpless. Most of us have gone through the same.
This will likely be the worst experience in your life. You are a prime candidate for depression and should see a doctor (get checked for STDs) and counselor if you are having trouble coping and carefully monitor your diet, exercise, and sleep patterns to ensure that you are at your best.
submitted by SerJR
The 180 is often open to mis-interpretation. It is pretty easy to get lost in the details and lose sight of the underlying concept.
Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be. Here's what I understand to be the fundamental basis for it:
1) Master your thoughts.
Ultimately, you determine what thoughts you give attention to and those thoughts will set into motion the dynamics that will affect you. If you tend to focus on the negative you increase the probability that you will become your own worst enemy.
submitted by Deeply Scared
If you're going to use the Tough Love approach, I strongly recommend you do this with the guidance of a qualified therapist. Tough Love is not about "bullying" the betrayer into doing what you want...it's requesting what you want with a follow up of the reasons why. The dialog and approach doesn't consist of "you do this or else". If that happens, I guarantee your partner will rebel in a serious way. It's imperative that you both understand how to handle it...I say this because this is the exact angle Mangled and our therapist used with me.
Tough Love should be used the way its intended...its a firm yet caring way of sharing with your partner what you're willing to accept and what you're comfortable with. Tough Love is not something you do to "win" the power struggle, to get even or put your spouse down.
submitted by heartbroken_kk
Are you absolutely miserable and suffering horribly with random bouts of crying, wanting to curl up in a little ball and never get out of bed, prone to extreme angry outbursts, etc. and all because of the thought or memory that just popped up in your head, unrequested, unwelcome, uncontrolled? And now you can't stop thinking about it? Over and over?
I want to tell you about something I learned to do while I was in those terrible deep dark days after D-day 1, after D-day 3, after D-day 6, after separation, when I desperately wanted to feel better but my situation was imploding all around me.
submitted by Erica
How much truth you want is determined by each individual. There is no right or wrong answer. What I needed to know, may be more detailed than what you need to know. For me, my imagination was worse than the truth and more painful than the truth. At the same time, the more you know, the more triggers you will have.
I was one of those people who had to know the whole truth...every detail. I am very anal about everything in my life and this was no exception.
When dday occurred, I found 1000 + email spanning a 2 1/2 year period of time, so I had a huge starting point for getting the truth.
submitted by HotnSpicy_Chikin & StupidMe
Our most important rule for life. Of all the rules I try to live by, this is by far what I consider the most important. I believe that nothing of true significance is accomplished while we remain in our comfort zones.
The meaning of comfort zone is different for all of us.
I think the definition of comfort zone varies for each one of us. To me, “comfort zone” means exactly what it says. It’s a place where I’m comfortable. It’s a place where I feel the safest in most every way; it’s where I’m not at risk of embarrassment or humiliation, and where I am pretty sure of the consequences or results of my actions,a place where I am secure and very much in control of what’s going to happen next.