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The Healing Library Articles

Discovery / Confrontation

  • Calling All BSes - by Nomadlady
    I've been on this site since October and have learned a lot that has helped me with my own situation. But I'm a researcher by profession (and probably by nature too!), and I started becoming interested in the shared experiences/commonalities of the BS. I couldn't help compiling what I've learned from all of you here. I hope this helps the new BS.
  • Getting the Truth - by Erica
    How much truth you want is determined by each individual. There is no right or wrong answer. What I needed to know, may be more detailed than what you need to know. For me, my imagination was worse than the truth and more painful than the truth. At the same time, the more you know, the more triggers you will have.
  • Joseph's Letter - by Joseph
    This is a post by Joseph, a member of the now defunct BAN Message Board. He wrote to this letter to his wife to explain why he asked for details of her affair.
  • Tactical Primer - by SerJR
    This primer is intended for betrayed spouses that have just arrived to the site looking for a quick-start guide of advice and what to do.
  • Understanding Boundaries - by Deeply Scared
    If you're going to use the Tough Love approach, I strongly recommend you do this with the guidance of a qualified therapist. Tough Love is not about "bullying" the betrayer into doing what you's requesting what you want with a follow up of the reasons why.
  • Understanding the 180 - by SerJR
    The 180 is often open to mis-interpretation. It is pretty easy to get lost in the details and lose sight of the underlying concept.
  • The Simplified 180 - by SerJR
    Looking through the thirty-odd points in the 180 list... I can see how it gets confusing and possibly even contradictory if taken out of context. The following is what I believe a distilled version of the 180 looks like with just a few simple guiding principles to keep in mind.
  • Boundaries and Consequences 101 For All New BSes - by Lordhasaplan?
    Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing lines and declare your values. The purposes of boundaries can be boundless. However, from my experience as a BS and a reader of SI, I have found that a boundary is to make clear healthy personal interactions and expectations.
  • Communicating with a Foggy WS - by SerJR
    Messaging is a basic communication skill that converts what you want to say into short and simple phrases that express the truth and get to the heart of the matter. It's intended to spark internal reflection in another person. The message speaks truth without being adversarial or condescending and this cannot be ignored.
  • Shattered Vows: Getting Beyond Betrayal - by Dr. Shirley Glass
    Hold on to your wedding ring: It is difficult, but not impossible, to repair the damage caused by infidelity. Increasingly, that’s what couples want. But let go of most of your assumptions; In an interview with Editor at Large Hara Estroff Marano, our leading expert Dr. Shirley Glass challenges just about everything you think you know about the most explosive subject of the year.
  • Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed - by Erica
    Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.
  • Symptoms of the Wayward Spouse and Recognizing Withdrawal - by Deeply Scared
    This is a very real and painful stage that we betrayers go through…it left me depressed, confused and in serious physical pain. For me, it was a combination of anxiety, restlessness and major guilt that made it almost impossible to function. I felt a sense of loss, not necessarily over the OM, but over the relationship and how it filled certain needs of mine.
  • The No Contact Agreement - by Deeply Scared
    How ever the affair has been exposed, whether by discovery by the BS or confession from the WS, there must be proper closure to the affair. An agreement must be set up between the BS and WS that all contact with the OP must end and it must be permanent. The WS is in no position to bargain or make deals with their partner and try to keep the OP somehow active in their life.
  • Signs of Cheating - Members of, Compiled by MsLonely
    This is a list compiled by the members of Surviving Infidelity of some of the signs that a significant other may be cheating.
  • The Care and Feeding of an infidelity - by werelemming
    This is written in a somewhat satirical vein. These are the things i recognize from my life and are in no way intended to hold to anyone else. Please take it all with a grain of salt and a dash of oregano.
  • Stages of Infidelity - by Deeply Scared
    The stages that I always refer to are the ones that MH went through and that our therapist educated us about. Here they are in the order that MH and I experienced:
  • Checklist for Hidden Anger - by cd103
    If we have any natural fault, it is hiding our own anger from ourselves. Here is a checklist to help you determine if you are hiding your anger from yourself. Any of these is usually a sign of hidden unexpressed anger.
  • Feels Like 9/11 - by Looking4Light
    I like to think of my marriage, before and after my husband's affair, a lot like flying before September 11th and after. Before September 11th, we all trusted the airlines to get us where we needed to go. We knew our future was in their hands and we trusted they would do what they had taken on the responsibility to do.
  • Marital Tsunami - by Maritalwhiplash
    This event seems SO BIG, SO HUGE, and the destruction SO COMPLETE, it is truly hard to imagine what kind of pain and loss is going on over there. The more I think about this and the more video/film I see on TV, I can't help but make an analogy to what it is like for the BS to experience infidelity.
  • Quick Start Guidelines - by PoodlePapa
    These guidelines are intended as a way to help folks when they are first assaulted by knowledge of infidelity and they need to know what to do. ~ What to do indeed! My hope is that this rather long post helps answer that question and will in fact fill a void for guidance, particularly in the early phases, when you have just discovered the affair.
  • Plummeting Down the Rabbit Hole - by KhristinaC
    The rabbit hole is my metaphor for the last year of my marriage. A little background about my husband and me. We were high school sweethearts. We married 2 weeks after I graduated in 1995. We had the “perfect” relationship. Four years later we welcomed our beautiful daughter - “a little US”.
  • Research on Internet Infidelity - by Erzulie
    I have seen so many threads lately on this topic in particular. This past semester in school, I did a research paper on this very topic - Infidelity and the Internet. It is my belief that there is a lot of valuable information in what I put together, so ...I am posting it here for anyone who is interested in reading. I hope it will help those that need it most.
  • Details of An Affair - Start to End - by KhristinaC & H
    In today's society of "ME" it's far to easy for couples to LOSE sight of what it takes to make a marriage work. We as people don't want to see how our actions effect others. Especially those who we are supposed to love the most. However time and life does funny things to your memory.
  • The Fog - by Ivey
    It is difficult to understand, and even moreso to get a grip onto the reality of it actually having happened to your WS/FWS. There are some on the site who don't believe that it exists; in majority this is the group whose spouses have left them for the OP.
  • Suicidal Thoughts - by Ivey
    For many here, you are in a desperate situation. Please, get help. I want you first to consider, if this very situation in which you find yourself were happening to a loved one or a best friend, consider what you would want that person to do. You are worthy of receiving the very same help.
  • Open Letter To All The New WSes - by Vnusmars
    Since I've been such a bigmouthed bully on some of the new FWS threads, I would like to say: First of all... CONGRATULATIONS. You have made the first step towards doing the right thing by even BEING here and having a registered username.
  • Dealing with Depression - by Markus ur Alias
    I don't remember exactly how it all unfolded. I think it was the winter of 2003/2004. I was pretty involved in the coming election so I was trying to be nice and volunteered several times to watch our youngest son so my wife could take our oldest boy skiing. A couple of times they were with the OM and his daughter but I trusted her.
  • Mind Movies and How to Stop Them - by heartbroken_kk
    Are you absolutely miserable and suffering horribly with random bouts of crying, wanting to curl up in a little ball and never get out of bed, prone to extreme angry outbursts, etc. and all because of the thought or memory that just popped up in your head, unrequested, unwelcome, uncontrolled? And now you can't stop thinking about it? Over and over?
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