I stand corrected
A week or so ago I posted about a couple who had been in an A...left their spouses...got married...and now the guy had terminal cancer.
Today the guy passed away. As we were talking with mutual friends...I found out that BOTH of these people had already left their spouses before getting together.
The woman was a serial cheater...and they worked together. I didn't work with them...but I did know them separately. I ASSUMED that the woman did the same thing with this man that she did with her 1st and 2nd H...cheated with him...then married him. I assumed WRONG...and I want to publicly apologize on this site where I wrongly accused them.
Rest in PEACE Dear Sir.
1 comment posted: Friday, May 6th, 2022
Here it is again
May 1st...the beginning of the month where BOTH of my H's started their A's...almost 30 years to the DAY . Every year you wonderful people allow me to indulge in my journey of MY A season antiversary. Thank y'all for that .
A little back story for those who don't know. Because my H had his PA while working alone overseas...I have finite times to when THEY first met...down to THEIR last kiss. I could practically tell how long THEY were together...ate dinner...fucked...thanks to the google timeline that I was told about from this amazing site. The phone records...emails...whatsapp messages and SKYPE provided a plethora of information too. I have calendars that I made in Excel for May-July that are FULL of all of that...plus the minutes...sometimes seconds...from the time-stamped receipts of the events that THEY went to.
SO...EVERY freaking year I would pull out those danged calendars...pore over them...and get very BUMMED OUT remembering how I FELT during this time while he was away . I didn't get all of the info at first. In fact...the Craigslist account that I found out about on here...was somewhere after year 1. The google timeline I found out somewhere between year 2 and 3 I think. With the new information gathering from these two...I had to look at the calendars and make sure everything FIT. Doing all of this just created a RUT in my brain of EVERY FREAKING THING THEY DID during A season. It was pure torture. Especially June . THEY met after May started...and my H left the adultery co-conspirator's country in the middle of July...so there are parts of those two months where THEY didn't know or have contact with each other. But in June...my H called the adultery co-conspirator EVERY DAMN DAY .
This is my 8th A season that is coming up. I have tried different things to help me HEAL from this time. The BEST thing I ever did was to have my H PLAN a fabulous vacation on the FIRST A season that correlated with some of THEIR firsts...first date...first kiss...etc. It was so HARD to go through this vacation in a city that WE had never been to...so it was OUR first time there. EVERYTHING we did there was a FIRST for US...and it was NOT a fun time for me...at first. But as I went through these days...and STARED THEM DOWN...I became STRONGER . I now have AWESOME triggers to combat the horrible triggers from around that time. I OWN their FIRSTS!!! Did you see what I did there??? Extra points to those who figure it out !!!
Around year 4 I purposefully made myself STOP looking at the calendars. I had ALL the information I could possibly have...I conquered everything I could...and there was NO reason to keep looking BACK. I honestly couldn't forget what had happened though because I had relived it from the previous years. But by year 6...I really had begun to forget...WIN-WIN for ME . Last year I decided to look at the calendars and the google timeline again. I was far enough removed from the emotion to look at it more clinically. I actually saw things that I had never realized before when the emotions were so high. These were things that helped me to understand WHY certain things happened during the A. Things that showed how MANIPULATIVE they each were toward one another . We ALL know that every A is FAKE. Like someone once pointed out though...the sex is real. True. But the manipulation...the USING of each other that goes on with an A...that is real as well .
THIS year I am doing something that I started doing last year toward the end. I am going to look at the google timeline...for ALL of the years AFTER 2014 . I've got SEVEN times...SEVEN memories...EVERY DAY to look through the 68 days of their A...that WE have had since then . I actually started yesterday...with my H eagerly looking with me!! The first one brought a sad memory...it was a funeral we went to for a dear friend of ours . But it was FUN to see the other 6 and try to figure out exactly what was happening on that day . The year 2020...we didn't go anywhere on May 1st...and I am sure that will be the case for most of those days for that year !!! Thank God THAT is behind us too!!
I will come back to this thread from time to time as A season progresses...just like I have with other threads I have started during this period. It is sort of a way for me to chronicle MY journey...MY feelings...and MY TRIUMPHS over A season . But I feel the need to write about it less and less. There is too much LIFE to LIVE on THIS side of infidelity!! Thank You God .
3 comments posted: Monday, May 2nd, 2022
I got a new vehicle
After Dday...I started working on a PLAN for what I wanted MY life to be. I WANTED a healthy and happy M with a loving and faithful spouse . I told my H about it...and told him if HE didn't want this too...I would find somebody who DID!! Thankfully...my H told me this was what he wanted as well...and we started working toward this plan .
I still had the thought in the back of my mind at that point...WHAT IF? What if my H wasn't sincere? What if this happened again? With me being a SAHW...I was NOT financially at a point where I could quickly LEAVE if any of the "what ifs" came to be true. So I put another PLAN in action...one to where I could leave at ANY moment. I got a checking account in my name only...with enough money to sustain me in a new apartment until I found a job and started earning a living. I also got a credit card in my name only. Finally...I got a new vehicle...in my name only.
That was almost 8 years ago. I still have the checking account...and the credit card...but my vehicle was getting a little rough around the edges . I really didn't use it much...and it was more of a symbolic part of my independence. But there were repairs that needed to be done that were signs that maybe it was time to look for something else. With inflation the way it is now...I was NOT happy about the prices I was seeing when I was looking online for vehicles. There was this ONE car though that looked cool...and the price was right .
Of course...other things in our life started taking precedent...and we found ourselves traveling again. We also had our anniversary coming up . When we got back home...and went to one of our favorite restaurants to celebrate almost 40 YEARS together...my H asked if I wanted to go and see the car I had looked at online. I just KNEW it was gone by this time...late model used cars nowadays don't last very long on the lots. But...I figured...why not? So I called...and surprisingly...it was still for sale! Y'all know that when God wants us to have something...He finds a way for us to get it !! Everything just fell into place...like it was meant to be.
When we were negotiating the sale...my H told the salesman we wanted it in MY name . He didn't have to do that...I am very secure that WE will be together for the long haul. But I really thought that was a sweet gesture my H made to insure that I felt SAFE!
ANOTHER GOOD thing that happened...I OWNED another trigger !! That part I have in italics in a previous paragraph...Everything just fell into place...like it was meant to be. Those words were what WE used to say when God had a hand in our lives. Those were also the words my H used when he described his A . To ME...and HIM...he felt like God was condoning the A . That was...until my H started recounting what had actually taken place up to the time he fucked the adultery co-conspirator. Things definitely DID NOT just fall into place...and there was NO WAY God was having it being something that was "meant to be" . BUT THIS CAR PURCHASE WAS . It was NO coincidence that things happened the way they did...at the time they did...and EVERY detail...even the salesman we had...was very much a part of God's PLAN!! So YES dear friends and family on here...this was so much MORE than just a car purchase . This was EPIC!!!
THEN we came home and my H gifted me with the anniversary present I asked for...a story to put in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum . Did y'all even notice???!!! I have been advocating for people to write THEIR positive posts into that thread...but I am kind of liking seeing my H's username up there...so y'all don't need to be too quick to write something in there...for now !!!
We each read the other one's post...and were smiling at the similarities . We each wrote our story separately...and we LOVED how we had God be a huge part in our individual stories !! It is logical though. God played such an IMPORTANT part in OUR R...and we both felt it was equally as important to include Him in our story! He truly IS the BEST IC and MC anyone could ask for!!! I NEVER thought about US being the WS/BS couple to write in that thread before either! I really HOPE we won't be the LAST couple to do it either !! Having something GOOD coming out of something that was so BAD is truly worth writing about !! WE are LOVING our Mv2.0!!!
Now it is time for me to go and pick up my NEW (to me!) car !!! If y'all are in Cajun Country...and see an old woman zooming around town in a cute car...grinning from ear to ear...well...DAT BE ME !!!
9 comments posted: Monday, April 25th, 2022
When I opened my personal devotional today during Bible Study...the title "Passion" came up for that section. That word is seared in my brain from Dday.
My H started his confession on Dday by telling me..."I love you like I've never loved anyone else, but I don't think I am in love with you anymore". He then followed it with..."I need PASSION in my life, and I haven't felt it with you in a long time".
We had been apart for almost 11 weeks at that point...and he had just been home from working overseas for 2 days. I didn't know that my world as I knew it had already been destroyed...but I was going to find out after he confessed to his 9 1/2 week A just a few minutes later .
Our thoughts dictate our feelings. Well...my thought about PASSION sure made me feel like I did when I heard it that day . At first. Then I turned my thought to the last PASSION I felt...which was a very passionate night last night . I started feeling better almost instantly...but that twinge was still there.
My H picked up on it right away...asking if I was alright. I told him about my thoughts. He instantly grabbed my hand and told me he was sorry that what he said and did back then still hurt me. We smiled at each other and continued on with our Bible Study...reading our daily devotionals out loud.
One part that I was reading aloud talked about the "nether world". My H's A happened in the Netherlands . Yes...we BOTH rolled our eyes at that one . Then I read a prayer that mentioned..."keep the promises You've made". One of the messages the adultery co-conspirator wrote to my H said in part..."...give me the dignity I deserve and hold on to the promises you've made..." . MAN...the devil really wanted me to have a DOWN day today!!!
Tears started rolling down my cheeks . The stress from family issues we are currently having to deal with...plus these triggers...it was just a little too much for me to change my thoughts in order to change my feelings. My H didn't remember the adultery co-conspirator's message...so he didn't understand why I would be crying at what was a really beautiful prayer. Until I told him. Then he grabbed my hand and told me that HE would keep the promises he made to ME . I KNOW he will...now . NOW is what counts !
We ended the Bible Study and then we stood up and hugged each other. My H talked very lovingly about things...about US. It made me feel a little better . We ended up saying goodbye when he went off to work on a positive note...even though the thoughts were still in the back of my mind.
Then I remembered something that happened 7 years ago TODAY . My H's A was 68 days. But for that 1st year after Dday...EVERY day of EACH month that first year that correlated with something THEY did...I would relive . For instance...on May 25th...the day after their first night together at the hotel...my H brought the adultery co-conspirator to a windmill restaurant. This particular restaurant was one that WE were going to go to when I was there...but it was only open at certain times...and my H would always be working during times it was open...while I was there anyway. My H thought nothing of it by bringing HER there. He even took pictures of the inside to share with me...and told me some history of it from what the waitress told him. I was so EXCITED at the time that he was able to go and SHARE that experience with me. He left out one small part though...that he was actually sharing it IN REAL TIME with the adultery co-conspirator . Anyway...EVERY month after Dday of that year...on the 25th...I relived THAT day in my head .
However...7 years ago TODAY...my H found a way for me to OWN restaurants . You can read more about it on page 9 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread !! I just read it to find where it was...and I actually wrote almost the EXACT thing when I was describing the scenario in the paragraph above !! What a GOOD trigger I have to replace the bad triggers that invaded my thoughts earlier this morning !!!
Needless to say...I am feeling pretty good again . There are circumstances in our lives right now that aren't going to go away anytime soon...but we are dealing with this TOGETHER . The circumstances do not take away our PEACE...unless we let them! WE have a PASSION for each other that is still going STRONG...and we make sure we don't lose sight of that .
The devil THOUGHT he could defeat me today...but he can't EVER win against GOD . Thank You God for the PROMISES You have made...and for working ALL things together for the GOOD of those who love YOU !!!
3 comments posted: Friday, March 25th, 2022
Happy Lundi Gras, Y'all!!!
Today is Lundi Gras...Fat Monday . The day before Mardi Gras...Fat Tuesday!! Thanks to the ever AWESOME MangledHeart...y'all get to have a taste of what Louisiana looks like during Mardi Gras season...THANK YOU for that Dear Sir !!! I was a little taken aback when I saw the fleur-de-lis on here at first...in my safe place. Fleur-de-lis means "flower of the lily". YEP...that is my H's adultery co-conspirator's name...Lily . But...the fleur-de-lis is EVERYWHERE over here all year long...so I OWN it .
For us Catholics...Wednesday is Ash Wednesday...the beginning of Lent. For the last 7 years...Lent was something that I was going to do...or NOT do...that centered around my H's A. THIS year though...I have nothing to give up...or do...concerning that. It has all been DONE . For all these years I have FOUGHT to get to this place...and it feels...well...really really GOOD .
God has been by my side through all of this...guiding me when I was so blinded by rage and pain that I could barely see. He brought me to you wonderful angels HERE!! So I have decided that for Lent...I am going to be more GRATEFUL . I will smile more...help more...and just be THANKFUL for being able to smile and help!
Until Wednesday though...Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler !!!
4 comments posted: Monday, February 28th, 2022
"You can't start the next chapter of your life...
...if you keep re-reading the last one."
This was one of the quotes that the adultery co-conspirator showed my H on the only full weekend he stayed at her house during his A. He said she had this written down in a journal...along with several other writings she "came up with". He was amazed at all of these thoughts she had that were put into words with these profound writings...so she sent him a picture of this one and another one for him to keep . He was so SHOCKED when I showed him these same "writings" in memes. He really thought SHE had written these herself . Nope...just one more LIE she let him believe about her...just like the LIES he let her believe about him .
I actually used this quote in the final email I sent the adultery co-conspirator . I THANKED her for giving my H that quote ...and let her know that WE were starting the next chapter of OUR life...because his chapter with her was DONE . I can picture her face to this day...what it would have looked like when she read that quote I wrote to her...and KNEW that my H then KNEW another LIE she told him. I am not sure if that was the final nail in the coffin...because I wrote a LOT of venomous things...even though they were all true...in that email. She never tried to contact either of us since that time though...so mission accomplished .
This morning my H and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards . My day started off so WELL !! Then we started our daily Bible Study. WARNING: there is some faith based stuff after this!!
As a Catholic...I subscribe to "The Word Among Us" and read the articles as part of my personal daily devotional. I was reading the article titled "Silence is not Absence". It was a pretty fascinating article that started off with a psychological study that was called "planning fallacy". This study showed how people underestimate how much time it will take to accomplish a task.
The article then went on to talk about growing Chinese bamboo. It seems like nothing is happening with this bamboo...until about year 5. No sprouts...no stems...nothing. Then suddenly...this bamboo can grow about 90 feet in 5 weeks !! What has been going on for those 5 years is something that can't be seen...above ground anyway . During that time though...the seeds of the bamboo have been setting out a root system that goes wide and DEEP in order to sustain the plant when it does start to sprout . I tell you...I was really getting into this article !!!
Suddenly I saw the words...in BOLD letters...Turn the Page. DANG . Trigger city . It brought me right back to the day my H showed me the picture of that quote. How he described where they were...in her living room...on her couch...when she shared with him her PRIVATE journal. He remembered thinking how he felt bad for leading her on into thinking that he cared...and she actually took a picture and sent two of those quotes to him. He also told me about being amazed at how PROFOUND her writings were...he was really impressed at that moment. It was a moment they SHARED. He had no idea at the time that she was lying to him...and had her own agenda like he did. To HIM...she was baring her soul to a man she was head over heels in love with...and he felt bad...but good...at the same time . Of course...with my help ...he realized that this SHARED moment was not REAL . It was just two SELFISH people creating this FAKE moment to propel their agenda forward .
I OWNED this quote on the day I wrote it to the adultery co-conspirator in that venomous email. But MAN...it sure caught me by surprise when I read those words today. Isn't it weird how ALL of this can come flooding back in SECONDS? Only...time stood still when I read those words...and not in a good way .
I am not sure if it was because Valentine's Day was coming up...or because I am home in a self imposed quarantine...or because I have been reading about all of the posts on here showing the heartache that THIS day brings. But the devil has sure been trying his best to get me down lately. he didn't succeed...until I read those words . I tried to hide the tears from my H...who was sitting right next to me reading his personal daily devotional. But when it came time for us to read OUR devotional together...he could sense that something wasn't right.
He grabbed my hand and asked if everything was alright. I shook my head NO...and then the tears started . He immediately said he was sorry to see me hurting. Then he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it because I don't want to bring his A up in his face anymore. But he gently persuaded me to open up...and then the damn broke. Tears flowing freely...I told him what triggered me .
My H sat there and listened...never letting go of my hand . After I finished he apologized for being the one to cause me so much pain. We went on to finish Bible Study...and then hugged before he went to get dressed to go to work. He makes sure I get my 4 hugs a day!
While he was getting dressed I asked him how all of this made him feel. He said he feels shame that HE is the cause of this pain. He feels helpless because he knows there is nothing he can do to erase anything that he did. He feels hopeful though because we can talk it out now and we can move on from it. Move on from it. Turn the page. See where I am going?!
After my H left for work...I went back to that article. I started where it said in bold...Turn the Page. The paragraph talks about how some people may be reading a book...then something really bad happens to their favorite character. Some people may just stop reading the book...or even throw it against the wall! But then they pick the book back up and keep reading...because they want to know what comes next. It then ends the paragraph with THIS profound writing...Just because something terrible has happened doesn't mean you abandon the story. It means you turn the page.
I turned the page . WE turned the page . I am going to add the above writing to my mindset about that quote that the adultery co-conspirator used. WE can't start the next chapter in our M if we keep re-reading the last one. Something TERRIBLE happened in our M...but we didn't abandon it...we just turned the page !!
This also applies to my 1st M...which ended in D after my H left me after I caught him with a 2nd adultery co-conspirator . It was a TERRIBLE time...but my life's story did NOT end there! I turned the page...and my story kept going . YES...I was put in infidelity HELL again through no fault of my own. But God never abandoned me...and somehow...He made my life RICHER despite it . He's amazing at doing stuff like that when we let Him !
May we never underestimate what God is doing when it seemed that He was doing nothing. Pretty profound . I won't be like the adultery co-conspirator...and pretend that I could come up with this! This was the last sentence in that article this morning . My DEAR faith filled friends and family on here...no matter WHAT life throws at us...we KNOW the end of our story will be GLORIOUS . Let's don't abandon OUR story just because something bad happens. Just turn the page...start the next chapter of our lives...whatever path we take...and ENJOY the ride .
15 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022
Respectful dialogue about Covid
There have been LOTS of topics written about Covid on here. We could go on and on about all of this. What we NEED is to have a respectful dialogue to HELP each other.
I'll start . I take Zinc and extra doses of Vitamin D. I have found by doing this that the sinus issues I normally have during this time of year because of it being sugar cane harvesting time...has not happened. Big PLUS for me !
Also...because sunlight kills Covid...I take a shopping cart from outside that has been in the sunlight...before going into the store. I used to wipe it down as well...but then the wipes started to run out. I still take them from outside though.
I also have wet wipes that my H has poured alcohol into...since alcohol kills Covid. I use those wipes a LOT!! I have been teased for YEARS about my obsessive handwashing...so washing my hands regularly is not a big deal. I am also LOVING the extra hand sanitizing stations everywhere now . We are told that this is an airborne virus...but masks obviously don't work for it. For ME...keeping my hands clean and away from my nose and mouth have worked well with other viruses in the past...and seem to be working well now.
I feel it is not a matter of IF I will get the virus...it is a matter of WHEN. However...I am in my 60's and have never had the flu. I very rarely had the cold either...and have not had one since my children are grown. So either my immune system is doing very well...or my mitigation efforts are working. I feel it is probably a combination of both. I am also a SAHW...so I am not in a work environment with a lot of people. Even when I did work though...I was pretty healthy. Also...I get out and go into the grocery store...pharmacy...department stores...etc. It is much easier to avoid contact though when I am not in an enclosed environment with several people for hours. This was how most of the people I know who have had Covid contracted it.
Is there anyone else who would like to have a respectful dialogue about this?
473 comments posted: Friday, January 7th, 2022
Lizard brain antics
I had a revelation that I wanted to share...only I can't share everything so I hope this will make sense !!
Hurricane Ida really did a number in our Parish...or County for the rest of you non-Louisianians . We are still not back to "normal"...but for the industry that my H is in...this has become a very BUSY time for him. His working hours are long...and they just keep getting longer.
Toward the end of last week...I was feeling anxious...but I didn't understand WHY . There have been some issues these last few months with Ida of course...as well as Covid that the whole world has been having to deal with. On top of all this...I ended up having to go to the doctor a few days ago and get antibiotics for a sinus infection that popped up at the most inconvenient time !!
With all that has been happening...my H and I have been EXHAUSTED. I mean...we are falling asleep watching TV shows we LOVE to watch...during early times in the evening...not too long after supper !!! By the time we get into bed...we are asleep almost as soon as our heads hit the pillow! Our sex life has been kind of LOW on the list of things we are doing lately.
Needless to say...there have been "issues" in our day to day life right now...so I wasn't sure WHICH issue was causing the anxiety...or maybe a combination of all of them were. But...the thing is...this FEELING seemed to stem from something to do with my H's A . I couldn't put my finger on what ANY of these issues we are dealing with had to do with his A though .
I was messaging with a DEAR friend on here and letting them know all this...when I typed the TIME that my H was now working. All of a sudden my stomach DROPPED . AHA!!! I never logically put it together until I saw it written out...but my limbic system did!! The time he is now working is EXACTLY the time he was working during his A!!! Also...I was with him when he first started working in Holland...and our sex life was pretty much NIL at that point too. We talked about it then...and he told me he was in a new country...new job...new boss...new culture...and LONG hours. He assured me that he just needed a little more time to acclimate himself to everything. So I did what a loving spouse does...and sacrificed MY desires for HIS needs. Only...just EIGHT DAYS after I left Holland...he met with the adultery co-conspirator for the first time...and stayed at the sushi restaurant WELL PAST the time he EVER stayed up while I was there . I would have LOVED to have had even HALF of that time with him while I was there...not to mention even half the sex .
Even though this happened over 7 years ago...my lizard brain was experiencing something similar...and was "warning" me...in its lizard brain way !! I would have never thought my H working THOSE hours would cause anxiety...but that is exactly when the anxiety started!! I let a few other friends and family members on here know...as well as my H. It amazes me just WHAT our limbic system keeps track of...things we normally don't pick up on. But I learned early on that I shouldn't just let that feeling pass...I ALWAYS trust my GUT now . Thankfully...what happened THEN...is not happening NOW. My anxiety is gone now and my GUT is calm again...so mystery solved !!
But wait...there's MORE !! As I was figuring this out...another issue happened . Something that is going to cost more money and time!! My H and I discussed it...and I went online to go shopping for what we need...like I really needed to do all of this in the middle of all of the OTHER stuff I am doing around this time of year!!
My H called later in the afternoon...saying he was coming home . I just ASSUMED he was coming home early so that we could go and look for the things we now needed to buy. I assumed incorrectly . Yes...even I make mistakes !!! As we were heading to our destination that I had established we needed to go to from my online shopping...I brought up my revelation from earlier. I asked my H if he even had much time to think about it since I knew how busy he is right now. He told me that he sure did...and that was why he took off when he did . He didn't want the time he worked here to correlate with the time he worked in Holland...because he didn't want me to be triggered by that anymore . I tell you...hearing him say that brought so much COMFORT to me . That man amazes me more and more...and I feel so BLESSED to have him as my H...warts and all !
Needless to say...we were again exhausted by the time we went to bed after having to go and take care of the issue that popped up during the day yesterday. But THIS time...well...we made sure to put things in the proper priority . From what research has shown...in order to retrain my lizard brain...I have to have POSITIVE experiences to combat the negative ones. So...we were following the science !!
5 comments posted: Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
Another year...another Christmas present You can give Me!!!
It's that time of year again...when I make a SHAMELESS plea for MY Christmas present . I WANT to see the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the TOP of this Forum get to page 28!! It really isn't all that hard to give it to me this year...only THREE positive stories and that page will turn .
I know all the excuses..."I don't feel we are fully reconciled yet". "I may jinx my reconciliation by posting about it". "No one will want to read MY positive story". "If I post a story then Want2BHappyAgain will never stop bugging me again".
Those excuses are all valid ! But WHAT IF just ONE person in this world would be HELPED by YOUR story??? Would it be worth it then??? I can honestly tell you that YES...it would definitely be worth it . How do I know??? Because people have messaged ME telling me how one of my positive stories DID help them . Heck...those stories helped ME when I first came on here so many years ago!!! This site if FILLED with people who really want to HELP others survive infidelity. This is a PERFECT opportunity to reach out and HELP .
So get those thoughts going...think of something POSITIVE that has happened in YOUR R...and write a post about it . BS...WS...MH...it doesn't matter...SOMEONE will be HELPED by YOUR story...I gar-on-tee!!! If THREE stories are posted...it will help ME get my Christmas present !!
THANK YOU ALL in advance !!!
14 comments posted: Thursday, December 9th, 2021
Looks like 7 is the magic number for me!!!
When I first joined this site I read that it normally takes 2-5 years on average to heal from the trauma of infidelity HELL. Of course...this is a guideline...there really is no magical number. It took me a little longer...but I am finally there!
I couldn't fathom in the beginning that I could make it 2-5 months in the PAIN and DESPAIR that I was in...let alone 2-5 YEARS . The analogy that I had in my mind was of me treading water...at night...in the ocean. There were no lights to give me a bearing. I knew I had to swim or I would surely drown...but I had no idea WHERE to start . What if I started swimming in the wrong direction and I ended up going further OUT instead of finding land??? I had no where to turn to...no one to help me...and I was starting to sink .
Then I found THIS site . It was like dawn started to break...and I could see some type of path to take. People were throwing me lifelines left and right...some even coming into the water where I was just to let me know I wasn't alone . I HATED having to do this...AGAIN...but this time...I had others who were willing to help guide me through some of the most treacherous waters until I was able to get the strength to navigate on my own. I am FOREVER grateful to the kind and generous people who make up this AWESOME club that NO ONE ever wants to be a part of .
My A season is 68 days...from the 1st day they met...until the day the adultery co-conspirator drove my H to the airport in her country on the day he came home to me. For the first several years...time STOPPED on those 68 days...and I was brought back to the time during my H's A. I would go over EVERY DAY...reliving it like it was just happening...it was pure HELL . I finally decided that this was only hindering my healing...so around year 4 I stopped. It DID help !!
THIS A season though...it was different...in a GOOD way . My H and I have proactively replaced the BAD memories of some of the worst times during A season...with some very GOOD memories of US and what we call our marriage...version 2.0...or Mv2.0 . These GOOD memories have HELPED me take back...or OWN the A season! THOSE 68 days during A season are NOTHING compared to the other SEVEN different 68 days we have had since then .
I am a SAHW...and I am blessed to be able to do volunteer work. Being able to GIVE to others helps me feel grateful for what I have in my life . Sometimes I travel...and that is the case for me now . This travel started a little over a week past my 7th A season. My H and I were separated for almost 3 weeks before he was able to come to where I am. We had an awesome time together...seeing the sights...and wonders of this place . But...after being apart for 20 days...we were like lovestruck teenagers . We couldn't keep our hands off each other !!! He kept holding me close to him...and I kept breathing him in...I LOVE his smell !!!
This wasn't the first time we had been apart since Dday. But it was the first time when there were no qualms...no questions...no doubts . I KNEW my H was being faithful...sort of like having that blind trust again! I have said I would never have it again...and I am sure that part won't ever come back. But THIS time...yes...I have to say...there was trust there. And it felt GOOD .
I'm healed . It took me a little longer perhaps...but I am there . It was a gradual healing...the pain after the first year was not nearly as bad as Dday. But there was still this ACHE...this sadness that I would feel...especially after a particularly GOOD day. It made me sad because I knew that it COULD have been a GREAT day...if infidelity had not entered my marriage . I don't feel that anymore though...which really surprises me...in a GOOD way . There were so MANY things that...at first...I KNEW I would never be able to get back. Slowly but surely...I have pretty much gotten back a LOT!
To those who are just starting on this journey OUT of infidelity HELL...things DO get better . You WILL heal! Your marriage may not survive...my 1st marriage didn't. But YOU WILL . My time was a little longer...and that is perfectly FINE. We will ALL heal at different times...in different ways.
11 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021
Another turn around the sun!!!
Well y'all...I MADE IT !! Today is my 7th antiversary. I could NEVER have imagined that I would be looking forward to this day...yet here I am...all giddy and stuff !!
Y'all can read about my original Dday for some background on it in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread...on page 13 . Skan starts off that page with a positive story of her own...may she Rest In Peace .
THIS A season was very unexpected for me because it didn't have the pain that the previous A seasons had . That was a very NICE surprise! There were a few things that happened this year that may have contributed. First...Covid shut down so MUCH last year...and it felt GOOD to get back to some sense of normalcy this year . My Dad passed away...which gave LIFE a nuanced meaning. A good friend of mine passed away as well...and he and his wife were married about the same time as when my 1st Dday hit. Seeing her GRIEF at the funeral...knowing her husband is gone from this Earth...it made me even more grateful that my husband is still here.
I don't know which event made more significance. It was probably a little of ALL of the events that happened leading up to and during my A season that may have been significant. I won't underestimate the path I have taken toward MY healing as well. I FOUGHT...for ME...and I've WON . I have had some GREAT friends and family on this site who have continued to show their support and LOVE through MY journey OUT of infidelity...and I THANK each and every one of YOU for being here for me . Last...but certainly not least...my FAITH has returned and God has been so GOOD to US !!! Whatever it was...THIS A season was...well...not that big of a deal...and that says a LOT !!!
By the time my 1st antiversary rolled around...my H and I had constructed a pretty decent timeline...so EACH DAY of those 68 days of his A from the previous year...I pored over the information we had. I relived what HE was doing as well as what I was...and the feelings were so overwhelming .
The 2nd antiversary...you can read all about it on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread .
The 3rd antiversary was a turning point in my HEALING . By this time I was fairly convinced that we were going to stay together...and that I was going to have the loving and faithful spouse that I wanted in order to be in this happy and healthy M . Those words in italics...I came up with that as a PLAN for MY life not too long after Dday. I told my H what my PLAN was...and said that IF he wanted it too...GREAT. If he didn't...I would find someone who WOULD!! My H agreed wholeheartedly with this PLAN...and we started working on it TOGETHER .
By my 3rd antiversary...I knew that reliving those 68 days over and over in my head was only going to create a rut in my neuropathways that I didn't need to have. I KNEW what happened...it was in the PAST...and I was ready to move FORWARD again to live out my fairytale M and have my "happily ever after" . NO...it isn't rugsweeping...it is moving on .
Sometime around or after the 3rd antiversary...I found out about the Google timeline from a post someone did on here. MOST of our original timeline was spot on...but some of the dates...like when he first went to her house...were off. My H could remember what THEY did...he just couldn't remember what particular day they did these things. We tweaked our timeline to reflect what the Google timeline showed...and I was able to get more of the pieces to FIT in that affair puzzle.
So...as a present to ME...I forced myself to NOT look at the calendars...timeline...emails...etc...that I had all the information on during my 4th A season. It didn't work out that well though . I would panic at a certain date during A season...wondering what REALLY happened...and I just HAD to look . Once I saw what happened on a particular date...it calmed me down...but then it made me sad because I felt I had let myself down .
On my 5th A season...I didn't force anything . If I felt the NEED to look...I looked. Somehow...THIS helped me to NOT look . My 6th A season...Covid...I don't need to say any more because we ALL know what THAT was like.
Now we come to THIS A season . I actually LOOKED at the calendars and the timeline...but not with emotion...it was more like a detective looking at a cold case...out of curiosity. Because my H was working overseas during his A...I have finite times with time stamped restaurant and event receipts. I have a LOT of trivial information such as gas receipts...ATM receipts...phone store receipts...that are all time stamped...so I can practically tell how long THEY were together.
Believe it or not...I SAW things that happened...that were there all the time...but the emotions got in the way of doing a clinical analysis so to speak. They didn't amount to much in the grand scheme of things...but I could glean stuff to show the reason for WHY certain things happened. It was sort of FUN to put more pieces together. YES...I said that right...FUN .
I didn't KNOW what my reality actually was during my H's A. By putting this stuff together...I could tell that THEY didn't know what THEIR reality actually was either . My H and his adultery co-conspirator each had their own perspective of WHAT this affair was...and it did NOT align with the other's perspective. They USED each other...and ended up causing FAR worse things to happen to THEM than they ever did to ME . I am a pretty decent person who came out WAY BETTER than either of THEM did. YES...I am decent...even if I was cussing like a sailor when I first got on here !!
I've healed . Those first years though...DANG!!! Besides the constant cussing...I remember the warts on my hands...EIGHTEEN of them...just popping up all over the place . They are all gone now . My teeth were breaking too...THAT was surprising! My dentist asked if I was under stress...because sometimes people grind their teeth at night if they are stressed. AHA!! After I told my H what the dentist said...he told me that sometimes I was waking him up at night because I was grinding my teeth so LOUD !! It has now been several years that I have had that happen though . The "zoning out" has ended too...woohoo!!! My poor family had no idea what was going on when I was in this phase. I bet it was scary! I saw that video of Beyonce at a basketball game once...with JayZ. The reason I saw it was because people were making fun of it...saying that her body must have been inhabited by aliens because of her blank stare and the rocking back and forth that she did. When I saw that video though...I KNEW WHY she was doing that . Worst of all for me was the shaking . Oh gosh...my body would just start shaking and I could NOT control it! I couldn't understand what was happening...and feared that it was causing some kind of reaction to my central nervous system that was going to be permanent .
I knew I HAD to find a way to get control of all of this...for my HEALTH. I just didn't know HOW . Thank God I am a curious person by nature . My reaction to my H's confession on Dday...when I told him the M was over...with NO emotion whatsoever...that intrigued me. It was like my body took over and just REACTED. I am still proud to this day of how I reacted . That POPPED that affair fantasy bubble he was in so FAST!!! A WS wrote in the Wayward Forum about "limbic lag". When I looked that up...it became so CLEAR to me about WHY I reacted the way I did...because of the experience I had gone through with my 1st H...almost 30 years to the DAY earlier!! My "lizard brain" took over...and I was in flight response. I stayed in that response for a while...until my limbic system calmed down .
Another thing going for me...which some of you MIGHT have picked up on from these years I have been on here ...was that I have always had a POSITIVE personality . I KNOW my WORTH . I also KNOW that being POSITIVE has helped me maneuver through many of MY life's troubles. But THIS experience...I have to say...it destroyed me . Only...it didn't . I was still there...under ALL that CRAP...and I made it OUT of that HELL...into the LIGHT...and it FEELS...SOOOOOOO...GOOD!!! THANK YOU GOD !!!
My H and I are CELEBRATING our Mv2.0 tonight...just like we have since our 2nd antiversary...the one you can read about on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the TOP of this Forum . I gave him another chance to RISE to MY expectations of him...and he has far surpassed every expectation I had . Like Joseph in the Bible...what was meant to DESTROY me...God took it and made GOOD come out of it . I truly have the BEST M I've ever had...an M I always dreamed of...with a H who is so IN LOVE with me that he can't even fathom that he was ever THAT person he was before. He has helped ME heal...and I have helped HIM too . He WAS broken...I was just bent . We stand much straighter now...and we are doing it TOGETHER!! Like my tagline says...we were two IMPERFECT people...who have...TOGETHER...made this PERFECT marriage! I am LIVING PROOF that not only CAN you survive infidelity...you can THRIVE despite it !!! THANK YOU GOD...because with HIM...ALL things are possible !!!
5 comments posted: Monday, July 19th, 2021
All marriages end badly
I read an article once that stated that ALL marriages end badly. Either a couple divorce...or one...or both...of them dies. That made me sad when I started to read the article . Then it went on to say that LIFE ends badly because we ALL will die . Of course...then it added the point...it is what we do BEFORE this that makes our life...well...worth LIVING .
I happened to see a marriage that ended very suddenly...very badly...last week . A dear friend unexpectedly passed away . He and his wife were married about the same amount of time that my H and I were right before my H had his A. There was no reason to suspect that infidelity was involved in THEIR M. They were a very LOVING couple who seemed to absolutely ADORE each other. Then again...to anyone who knows us IRL...WE seem that way too.
His widow was in such despair...his sudden death was a shock to everyone...but it was devastating to her. It was heartwrenching to watch her at the wake...her PAIN was so raw . My friend was so FULL of life...and was just an overall KIND person. He will be sorely missed .
I have seen a few threads lately from some awesome people on here who are in R...but they are still feeling that DEEP ACHE from knowing that infidelity will NEVER fully go away. It is always going to be just under the surface...and even when happy times come...it won't EVER be as happy as it could have been if infidelity would have never become a part of their life . ALL of us on here know that feeling .
One of the advantages of being OLD is that I have experience with that feeling besides the infidelity. I know that EVERYONE is going to experience some type of trauma in their lifetime. SOMETHING is going to end BADLY for ALL of us. It is what we DO before that time that determines the QUALITY of our life .
I lost my beautiful Mama at a young age . Our relationship on Earth ended very suddenly...and very badly. It took me many years to realize that the PAIN I felt for her was because of the immense LOVE we had for one another. Not everybody gets to experience that in their life. THAT is the sad part . I will TAKE this pain I feel over my Mama's passing ANY DAY over NOT having that experience of pure...unconditional...LOVE.
Maybe it is because I had the experience of losing my wonderful Mama like I did that I can feel the way I do about my M? I don't know. What I DO know is that my M didn't end badly...yet. WE are still here and THRIVING . YES...there is this huge ugly scar that keeps our M from looking perfect...but scars only form on the living . Scars form when we are HEALING . If we kept picking at the wound...it wouldn't have healed. We needed to CLEAN the wound...take out ALL of the poison...and no matter how BAD it hurt...we needed to scrub the crud OFF.
It took a lot of work...over several years...but the wound is HEALED...and the scar proves it . We know the scar is there...and it is never going to go away. But we survived infidelity and we REFUSE to let that scar stop US from enjoying the BEST M we have ever had...until it ends...badly .
8 comments posted: Tuesday, June 1st, 2021
Yesterday was an Awesome Day!!!
Disclaimer: ALL of us have our own unique way of coping with the trauma of an A. This is MY way. As with every thread on here...take what helps YOU...and leave the rest .
SEVEN years ago yesterday was when the adultery co-conspirator told my H over dinner that she decided she would be coming to his hotel that weekend so he could fuck her...after only meeting up twice in person before . I know that this night was a very intense and erotic night for my H...from what he told me they did after he walked her to her car . In fact...when he was telling me about THIS particular night...it was the only time he got hard when recollecting everything they did during the A.
On Dday I issued ultimatums that my H had to do in order for me to consider R. One of these ultimatums was that my H had to PLAN a FABULOUS vacation for ME the following year...that would coincide with some of their "firsts". When I found out what happened on THIS particular night...I knew he had to do something really OVER THE TOP to combat my trigger over what THEY did. He sure came through .
SIX years ago yesterday...we arrived in Chicago...our first time ever in that city . We went to the Willis Tower...formally known as the Sears Tower...another first! We went back to our hotel and rested for a bit before taking an evening river cruise...you guessed it...this was a first for us as well ! We had a wonderful meal at a local restaurant and then went back to our hotel room to cap off a very awesome day !!!
The only thing is...it wasn't very awesome during that time . Even though there were a few bright spots...I did a LOT of crying that first day...along with a lot of drinking. I knew it was going to be HARD...but I was determined that I was going to OWN...or take back...these dates...and that thought kept me going.
YESTERDAY...when I woke up...the thought of what THEY did on this day 7 years ago crossed my mind. It was immediately replaced by the memory of what WE did on this day 6 years ago . There were MANY things I did wrong during my healing...but OWNING triggers was one of the things I did RIGHT . I am now at a place where triggers are small blips on my radar...and OH MY GOSH...does it ever feel GOOD !!!
I learned about the Google timeline on here...around year 2 or 3 after Dday. I used to go through each day during A season by looking at the times that THEY were together . I was paralyzed...not wanting to do anything...until those times where the timeline showed that THEY weren't together anymore ended . EVERY year I felt like what they DID was happening in the PRESENT . I knew this wasn't healthy...so around year 5 I deliberately STOPPED looking at the timeline...until yesterday.
This time though...I looked at the Google timeline from 6 years ago . It was so cool to retrace the steps WE did during that day!! WHY didn't I think of that before???!!! I asked my H what it was he remembered about that day...and he said the train ride...and the little kindergartner .
Y'all know I can't write a post without giving thanks to God . He sure gave US a memory to let us know HE is always there for us! When we were at the Willis Tower...we had to stand in line to get to The Ledge...behind a class of kindergartners on a field trip. The group happily went on The Ledge that looked 103 stories DOWN to the street below...except for one little girl. She was PETRIFIED. Three of her friends were standing on the glass...and had their arms outstretched for her to take their hand. They were so encouraging...coaxing her to come on to the glass...to just take one step on. They were letting her know they were going to be right there with her . Ever so slowly...the young girl...with tears streaming down her face...made her way to her friends. When she stepped on to The Ledge her friends surrounded her...letting her know how awesome it was that she was with them . The young girl was CRYING...but you could tell she was very happy to be at that place with THEM . It was truly a beautiful thing to witness .
That scenario really stuck with us throughout our vacation. God was showing us that things can be HARD...especially when our thoughts paralyze us. But we aren't alone in this life...all we have to do is reach out to be helped...as well as to help . This site has HELPED me more than I can ever say...and hopefully this post can offer a little help to someone who is new to betrayal. You aren't alone...we are ALL here to HELP .
Edited to add...I thought I had used the HAPPY face emoji...so please excuse the sad face one! I don't know how to change it!!
[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 5:49 PM, May 23rd (Sunday)]
6 comments posted: Sunday, May 23rd, 2021
The Positive Reconciliation Stories thread is closed .
Please open it back up or start another one that is pinned to the top .
2 comments posted: Saturday, May 22nd, 2021
This has literally shaped our marriage
I have often talked about the daily "One Thing" emails I get...and the title to today's "One Thing" by Kim Kimberling from the Awesome Marriage website really intrigued me . As I read it...I realized this was so TRUE for OUR marriage as well !!
I am sure that there are successfully reconciled marriages that do not have God guiding them. For US though...it wasn't until we "Let Go and Let God" that we saw a HUGE difference in not only OUR marriage...but in the way we saw LIFE in general . I used to think I was a faith filled Christian...but as we all know...hindsight is 20/20. I have talked about how WE were straying so far off of the faithful path with the decadent lifestyle we pursued...until my H ended up on the infidelity path that nearly destroyed EVERY path for US . God showed us the way back though...and WOW...it has truly been the BEST path WE have ever been on !!!
Today's email really moved us...and I thought I would share this with those of y'all who are on a similar path . Kim talks about praying with his wife, Nancy, often. Today he laid out a few examples...and as I read them...I realized this was also true for US . Here is an excerpt from the email this morning:
...Knowing how it has literally shaped our marriage, however, may influence your view on prayer. So here are some ways prayer has impacted us.
It has been a daily source of consistent connection.
It has kept us from going to bed angry at each other. (Almost always!)
It has helped us see each other through God’s eyes.
We have seen God answer prayer after prayer after prayer.
It has given us a place to take our deepest needs and hurts.
It has calmed our fears.
It has given us confidence in our decisions.
It has made us feel like we have a private audience with God.
My list could go on and on, but you get the idea. The bottom line is that if you and your spouse pray together, it will have an amazing impact on your marriage.
Right after Dday...I lost my faith in God . I truly was at a loss...not only from my precious marriage that died...but from the faith that died too . However...God wasn't going to let me go that easily . He allowed me to rant and rave at Him...knowing that my anger came from a place of deep HURT. Then He gently showed me the fallacy of my thoughts...He's kind of cool like that .
I got my faith back...and MORE . It also helped me to see that what I THOUGHT was gone forever...really wasn't. IF I could get my faith back...maybe my precious marriage wasn't completely lost either?
I knew my H would have to be willing to do the WORK as well though...and WE weren't ever a couple who prayed together regularly. My H assured me he was very willing...and we started doing a daily Bible Study...as well as praying together every morning and night. I have to say that the saying "Prayer Changes Things" never registered before like it does NOW !! Needless to say...OUR precious marriage is BETTER than EVER .
NO...I never got the blind trust back. NO...I am not free from the pain of betrayal. YES...there are times when the memory of what he did can bring me to my knees . But when I get there...I am in the position to PRAY .
NO traumatic event is erased from our memory...and we on this site have infidelity as part of the trauma in our life. EVERYONE goes through trauma...and on this site we have this experience. We can all share our experience in healing from this particular trauma...and help each other . MY experience isn't for everyone...but I hope this helps those who are going through the same experience I did in my faith .
YES...I trust my H. YES...I can look at my H with pride and respect. YES...we are totally...unashamedly...and head over heels IN LOVE with each other !!!
R is HARD...but if BOTH spouses are ALL IN...it is totally WORTH IT !!!
6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 19th, 2021
Monoclonal antibody infusion
I had gone to my doctor the other day and we were talking about therapeutics for Covid. My doctor told me about a monoclonal antibody infusion that is readily available in all 50 states .
She said that if I felt I had Covid...to call her office and they would perform a test. If the test came back positive...she would write an order for the infusion. She told me the infusion would be done at our local hospital...but on an outpatient basis. It takes a few hours. My doctor said that it is very effective if done within 10 days after having the symptoms...so she encouraged me not to delay if I ever feel I have it.
She was very encouraged by it ! She said that of all of her patients that had received the infusion...none of them had to be admitted into the hospital and there were NO deaths.
The infusion was first given for free...but I don't know if that is still the case. I also don't know if the facility giving the infusion is charging for its use or not. To ME though...it is worth passing this information on .
3 comments posted: Monday, May 17th, 2021
Hi there all you SI Reconcilers !! It is a GORGEOUS day in NOLA...and I am feeling pretty good today. Especially since I saw another AWESOME post in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread which is pinned at the TOP of this Forum !! THANK YOU sunwillshine!!!
Maybe we can have a breather from thoughts of infidelity for a bit and come up with some things that bring us happiness in our reconciliation . I'll start!!!
The other night I told my H that he was my whole world. He responded by saying that I was his whole universe PLUS one planet . I asked WHICH planet...thinking that he was going to say VENUS...the planet of LUUUUUVE.
His response...with that cute grin of his...URANUS !!! We had a big laugh about that...laughter truly IS the best medicine isn't it ?!
So...maybe that book is wrong...men aren't from MARS...they have a whole different mindset !!!
Anyone else have a cute...funny...thankful...HAPPY story to tell??? I am looking forward to reading all about it !!
351 comments posted: Sunday, October 4th, 2020
NtV...does this count???
My H was preparing jalapenos...stuffing them with cream cheese and wrapping them in bacon . He made the comment that he, "can cut the cheese with a butter knife" .
Will THIS be enough for the favor you said you would do for me ???!!!
What do the rest of you dear SIers say...is THIS an appropriate fart joke???!!! Help me out people...I am NOT very good at this kind of stuff...but I need y'all to help me convince NTV that this is good enough .
33 comments posted: Saturday, December 23rd, 2017