Again, Exactly how Stupid Am I
My WH and I were invited to go out with friends tonight--fall fair thing--but I've been dealing with my lab bleeding with digestive issues and didn't want to leave her alone.
So, he went and had a good time. Texted me a bit, I was tired so said I was going to bed about 11:00pm or so. Kind of tossed and turned and then my big dog (not the lab) had to go out. So I grabbed my phone to light my way downstairs (1:47am) and let him out and waited.As I waited I skimmed through my phone (emails, messages, messenger) and noticed my WH has a Facebook messenger red dot. Yes, I can access his account and he had blocked his LTAP on Facebook and his phone after his "slip" in the beginning of July. (Turns out it was less a slip than bad timing to get caught).
I opened his messenger.
Did you know that someone can message on messenger with someone on their instagram account? I did not know. And there she was: "Good Nite heart emoji), 3 minutes before I opened his account. So he got home right then, a bit drunk, and staggered into the spare room to sleep but not before informing her that he was home safe, and in bed. Then messaged again to let her know he was in the spare room, not in my bed. I guess that was important to convey.
So, it is 3:02 and I cannot stop shaking and he isn't going to stop no matter what I do, is he?
49 comments posted: Monday, September 19th, 2022
I need to be talked off the ledge and some advice.
Things have been what I thought was ok. Not great but honestly, I thought all this was behind me because how could WH cheat again after seeing that it literally came as close as a whisper to killing me (or me simply giving up) last time. Maybe we weren't lovey dovey all the time but I was building a future. Thought he was too.
WH has a habit of having the tv up SO HIGH, which I hate because I don't watch it at all and I work from home, so need to concentrate. I ask him to turn it down, he grumbles. just a thing. On Saturday our indoor cat got out, panic, treat shaking ensued. He left after a while to go fishing by himself and I continued the vigil. Found the cat, husband came home about 2:30-3:00 and settled into the couch with something to eat. The TV was deafening. I said, (literally), "hey babe, can you put that down a smidge." He lost it and accused me of being all over him. I was baffled. And said, what is going on, I haven't said a word to you? haven't bugged you all day? He informs me that is because he leaves whenever he can to get away from me. I was hurt and removed myself to upstairs and he literally did not say one word to me. I stayed upstairs and tried to make a gesture (a whatever you call it from John Gottman) and he did not pick it up. So, I left it.
I was feeling a smidge...something...so I checked his Facebook messenger tonight around 8:00 pm, I don't do that at all anymore, or anything else. When I opened it I was confronted by the friends list at the top who were online? and low and behold felt a gut shot. There right in the first spot was his LTA AP. Like right there! I checked his friends list, nope, and googled it. Apparently "a person will be showing active you if they are not friend with you. you have messaged them recently or you have chatted them some time before or you poked them or you wave them a hi, That’s why they will be showing active in your active friend list."
I threw up. Checked the phone bill online. Haven't done that for almost 2 years. Starting yesterday at 7:23 pm (literally a few hours after he picked a non fight with me) he texted his LTA AP. Then for the next three hours until he went to bed, he and her exchanged over 100 texts. I threw up again.
Then I went into his bedroom (he doesn't sleep with me because "he doesn't get a good sleep") and woke him up. Climbed into bed with him. I don't know why I did it, he doesn't really want sex anymore even though I've been working out like a fucking manic since February and actually have a pretty smoking body right now. So, I don't know why, but pardon the TMI, I fucked him to put it mildly, like well.
Then I left and said I couldn't find my t-shirt in the dark. Picked up his phone to use the flashlight, he literally snatched it from me. Did it himself. I went back to my room and checked his search history on google. Another kick to the gut, couldn't breathe. There in the search history on June 11, Early June, April, March, Last year at least 20 times is a search for his Short-term AP that I caught him with Christmas Eve 2018. Like many, many searches for he phone number, address, where she worked, pictures, everything. WTF?
I am so so so shattered AGAIN for fuck sakes. OK, so what the ever loving hell do I do??
HE doesn't know I know any of this. I don't know if I have it in me to end it but HOW do I not when as far as I am concerned, he is cheating again??
Option 1: Text the cunt and tell her to fuck off. I would love to do that but might show my hand.
Option 2: Tell him everything I know and nip this shit in the bud and go back to living on quicksand wondering, wondering, wondering
Option 3: Track the ever-loving FUCK out of him, see if he keeps texting, etc. This option will kill me a little every day but might get me some information
Option 4: I don't know, die?
Advice is appreciated. This is honestly not any easier this time, maybe harder because he KNOWS doing it the first time took something away from me and left me ...less and barely alive.
I will not be sleeping tonight.
82 comments posted: Wednesday, July 13th, 2022
Argument number 8 million and whatever. I don't even know what or how it started, I think he was freaking out that I wanted to walk my dog twice a day. And gas prices, don't you know. Went from me figuring out it would cost me 86 cents a day to him outlining all my flaws and going back 25 years to my horribleness.
Then went to basically everyone I touch/met/gave birth to/married was worse for the interaction and I ruined them and their lives by being pretty much by existing. So, apologies to anyone who has experienced the destructive vortex that is me.
Then he told me he cheated, talked to other women because they are nice and he likes them and he is not sorry, never been sorry. And that as of today he is changing all his passwords on Facebook etc, unfriending me and my sister so we can't "spy" on him. And is going to start talking etc. with women again.
Honestly, my marriage obviously sucks, I am infinitely damaged, and pathetic as all fuck. But despite knowing I deserve better, I think if he starts talking to his exes or anyone again I might just die. I know I shouldn't care. I am simply too fucking tired to do this again and who knows, maybe whatever gods you believe in will just decide this has been enough punishment and pain, and the next life will contain a little peace. God, I'm tired.
end of my sad rant, sorry to make everything about me, apparently that is what I do. always. God, I am tired.
10 comments posted: Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022
I am 3 years past my last D Day and we are not reconciled, more of a detente. He is generally unrepentant for the cheating but we both seem to stay away from interacting about it anymore. Me because I am tired, and him because he is, well, unrepentant and generally clueless.
So, that brings me to my rant or question. WH went down to see his parents 6 hours away on Friday (coming back today). This is the trip he used to use as an excuse to stop and see his smoochie. I did not text or call him once, I answered politely when he called or texted me. He is on his way back now and was talking to me about news from his friends etc. They are not my friends and I often have no earthly idea who he is talking about because I did not grow up there. So I was listening with half an ear, multitasking and working, and a single word caught my attention. So I interrupted and asked him to repeat the story he was telling me about someone's brother "turning out" to be gay. The dude is in his 60s, never once had a girlfriend, so why is it news?? The thing that apparently caught my attention was the fact this guy is his LTA's brother. He had just casually thrown in a story about his AP's family, using her name, like he didn't cheat with her for almost 20 years. So, I said quite calmly it was too bad she wasn't gay (would have saved me a lot of pain) and told him I had to go work. And hung up. He called me back a bunch of times and finally texted how rude I was.
So, WT ever-loving F?? Is there a statute of limitations on him talking about her to me in casual conversation?? I am flabbergasted, not hurt, but more irritated. Honestly, does anyone else have a Wayward that is that dumb?
Rant over, but Seriously!? Ruined my day.
4 comments posted: Sunday, April 17th, 2022
Compliments with Qualifiers
Really quick rant...
This is an EXTREMELY minor issue in the light of a global pandemic and everything happening in the world, but it really bites my ass.
I let myself slide since my dad died. But, I have picked up my BeachBody workouts again and damn if I'm not seeing real results. you could bounce a quarter off parts of my body again (unfortunately I'm including my boobs in those areas! ).
Now, I OBVIOUSLY have intimacy issues with my WH, adding an old eating disorder to the mix isn't helpful either. HOWEVER, as a formerly very good-looking woman, I am not impressed with compliments that have qualifiers attached to them.
For example, my husband's go-to comment is "your body doesn't bother me." Now, I find that vaguely insulting and certainly NOT a turn on. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
Or "you look great for a woman who is 54." WTF? I get the "you look great" is probably the sentiment but the qualifier seems to negate the positive.
"You look great for a 54 year old woman who has had two kids, doesn't sleep enough, lives in a harsh climate, lives on coffee, etc..." is NOT a panty dropper!
Or am I wrong?
2 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022
Any advice for the lost
I don't really post here anymore although I do read every week and the Friday pictures are sometimes the highlight of the week. Thanks for those!! However, even if I kind of failed as a success story here, I don't really have anywhere else to connect.
I am a wee bit lost. My father died in January 2021 after a long illness (multiple myeloma) and I was his caregiver and connection to the world. Lost my mom a decade earlier to cancer, as well. The last year in particular, it was a 24 hour thing with him living in my home until 6 days at the end spent in hospice until his medically assisted end. I still worked (inexhaustibly) and managed to finish a university degree but Dad was pretty much my focus. During his illness I was hit with my husband's infidelities as well and both my kids moved out (which is as it should be).
I'm not thriving. I've gained some weight back, nothing catastrophic but not welcome, and feel just blah. Nothing except my dogs and cats makes me feel joy, I am exhausted all the time, and am, well, lost. 2021 was awful. my dad dies, my dad's brother (uncle) dropped dead of a heart attack in August and on the same day my aunt (dad's sister-in-law) died. then in December another aunt on dad's side died. Just been dropping like flies.
I can't seem to get it together emotionally and mentally and am not used to this type of weakness. Is this reaction normal?? Has anyone else dealt with this type of life stalling? Any advice besides therapy to pull myself out of whatever this is?
Thanks to anyone who read my kind of pathetic problem.
8 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022
longterm affair partner just messaged husband on Facebook
Holy Hell, Just need to get this out somewhere, and NOTHING has really happened yet but I'm freaking out. I actually have an Apple Watch reading of my resting heart rate going from a usual 56 to 107 in LITERALLY a second when I saw the name on the message.
My husband is at work and has no access to his phone until he is off. He found out yesterday that he would be staying an hour later from now on but would usually be carpooling home now. So she would have thought he was out of work and driving home when she sent it.
I was working and went on my own Facebook messenger to answer a message and saw my husband had one (I have access to it) and it was in the message request section. The message itself is a request that he return something she gave him like 20 years ago. (I threw it out after Day 3 , so Fuck off).
I guess I am freaking out because here is where the rubber meets the road. If he looks at it and answers her and does NOT tell me, then fuck, no where to go is there? I am actually shaking right now. why is this affecting me so much???
108 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
Neighbour arrested on Friday
So, I am blown away at how generally gross people are. I looked out the window on Friday and saw a whole fleet of vehicles parked on my street including a police cruiser. Didn't think much until we realized they ALL were law enforcement. Long story short they appeared to be investigating the house next door (we literally share a driveway). Lovely couple live there, we share snowplowing duties, general neighbour stuff. They are very nice and he works for the same company as my husband, different mining camp (he is gone two weeks home two). They have a gorgeous 2 year old daughter.
Anyway, he had just got home the night before at 11:30 pm and the cops showed up by 7:00am. The wife left with the daughter to go shopping or something. We watched them take his computer, and he came out to have a smoke cool as a cucumber talking about them going camping when their visitors left. Like so normal and calm and well normal. An hour later he was led out by 6 cops, hand cuffed. She came back about an hour later, we spoke to a cop in the interim who obviously didn't say what the deal was but did say he had to tell the wife, was waiting. She came out visibly shaking and crying and said she still didn't know what is going on.
So nothing in the papers. he came home yesterday, cool as a cucumber still with the wife and daughter, barbecued, etc, went camping. Normal normal. Showed up this morning, all three, really early.
THEN just came out in the paper with is name that he was charged with 2 counts of child porn possession and 1 count of making child porn available!!! YUCK!
How in ever loving HELL can she still be there with that beautiful little girl and look this guy in the face?? I would have NEVER thought this of him and am appalled at how good a liar he is. What the hell is wrong with people and how does a wife come back from THAT shit???
21 comments posted: Monday, May 17th, 2021