Is it just the way men are?
Not sure what I am asking about here, or just need another perspective if my past experiences are colouring my reactions.
I have not really made it out of infidelity; barely survived it, honestly. But I am still with my cheating husband because financially, I cannot leave. And currently can't leave physically either, my dog just had a total hip replacement and I'm literally stuck in my house (one room mostly) for 10 more weeks. 
Anyhoo, the issue I am having generally is my husband's daily (multiple multiple! times a day) looking at and searching out women to look at online. Groups on Facebook, reels, instagram, etc. Just constantly. Incessantly. I know this because I look at his phone every once in a while to see what he is doing. I shouldn't, but I do. It isn't even a jealousy or anger thing, I just will NEVER be blindsided again.
I am 55. I work out very hard, lift weights, cardio, MMA workouts. I'm certainly not in perfect shape but I'm fucking strong, have great abs, and nothing really shakes around anymore. BUT I am not the most feminine woman in the world. I don't really (or ever) wear makeup, have long painted nails, wear girlie stuff, or have the apparently requisite huge boobs. Little comments here and there point out these areas where I fall short.
I have nothing really against porn (I know this is an unpopular opinion here), watch it myself occasionally, and can understand if someone wants to do that. I actually wouldn't care if my husband did that occasionally. But this onslaught of boobs and asses and all the searching them out seems more personal somehow.
We do not have sex at all. He has had an ED issue for maybe 2 decades, so when he was interested, it was all about him. He blames me for no sex, but I am not the reason. Although now I find the Ick factor plays into it.
He's away on a trip to a cottage right now with a friend and picked a fight last night over text for no reason. I got up this morning at my usual 4:45 am and looked to see what he was doing last night on Facebook. Sure enough, a slew of women, searched out and looked at. I felt so sad. Actually cried a bit at the sheer waste of being satisfied with looking at what are sometimes beautiful young women, and completely ignoring the real woman in your life. I will never look like that. Not even at my most beautiful at 25 to 30 did I look like that or have those assets. No matter what I do, how many reps I do in the gym, diet, skin care, whatever: I will never ever look like that. And it is okay.
But am I wrong to feel like all this shopping around and ogling of young women is gross and borderline cheating still? Has my previous experience with his online bullshit made me overly sensitive? Is this just a man thing and I should let it go internally?
Thanks for any insight. Just a shitty way to start the day.
30 comments posted: Friday, September 1st, 2023
Arnold Special
It's not even 7:00 am yet and the day is pretty much ruined. WH is a MASSIVE Arnold Schwarzenegger fan, like worships him...and of course watched the Netflix special yesterday. Things have been tense (understatement) lately and I've spent the last week pretty much hiding upstairs to avoid the unpleasantness.
Well, Arnold's affair with the housekeeper came up this morning when I asked how the special was, just offhand, I didn't push it. My take is Arnold is a piece of shit. Full stop. My WH blamed Maria Shriver saying she was a rich stuck-up bitch probably and the housekeeper probably offered the required adoration. I refused to engage, just reiterated the piece of shit opinion.
Ugh! I fucking hate my life. Just a wee rant...
11 comments posted: Friday, June 9th, 2023
Working for an Escort
I am working for a client who has been a high end escort for eleven years. It has been incredibly illuminating to hear her stories and insights into the estimated 80 percent of her clients who are married. She is married too, same partner for over 16 years. Not going to lie; it has been triggering, too.
I am balancing my professionalism with my impulse to rant about the wives (and husbands) left oblivious at home. Has anyone ever dealt with a job situation where this scenario is happening? And what did you do?
5 comments posted: Sunday, April 30th, 2023
Compliments with Qualifiers
Really quick rant...
This is an EXTREMELY minor issue in the light of a global pandemic and everything happening in the world, but it really bites my ass.
I let myself slide since my dad died. But, I have picked up my BeachBody workouts again and damn if I'm not seeing real results. you could bounce a quarter off parts of my body again (unfortunately I'm including my boobs in those areas! ).
Now, I OBVIOUSLY have intimacy issues with my WH, adding an old eating disorder to the mix isn't helpful either. HOWEVER, as a formerly very good-looking woman, I am not impressed with compliments that have qualifiers attached to them.
For example, my husband's go-to comment is "your body doesn't bother me." Now, I find that vaguely insulting and certainly NOT a turn on. Maybe I'm too sensitive.
Or "you look great for a woman who is 54." WTF? I get the "you look great" is probably the sentiment but the qualifier seems to negate the positive.
"You look great for a 54 year old woman who has had two kids, doesn't sleep enough, lives in a harsh climate, lives on coffee, etc..." is NOT a panty dropper!
Or am I wrong?
2 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022
Any advice for the lost
I don't really post here anymore although I do read every week and the Friday pictures are sometimes the highlight of the week. Thanks for those!! However, even if I kind of failed as a success story here, I don't really have anywhere else to connect.
I am a wee bit lost. My father died in January 2021 after a long illness (multiple myeloma) and I was his caregiver and connection to the world. Lost my mom a decade earlier to cancer, as well. The last year in particular, it was a 24 hour thing with him living in my home until 6 days at the end spent in hospice until his medically assisted end. I still worked (inexhaustibly) and managed to finish a university degree but Dad was pretty much my focus. During his illness I was hit with my husband's infidelities as well and both my kids moved out (which is as it should be).
I'm not thriving. I've gained some weight back, nothing catastrophic but not welcome, and feel just blah. Nothing except my dogs and cats makes me feel joy, I am exhausted all the time, and am, well, lost. 2021 was awful. my dad dies, my dad's brother (uncle) dropped dead of a heart attack in August and on the same day my aunt (dad's sister-in-law) died. then in December another aunt on dad's side died. Just been dropping like flies.
I can't seem to get it together emotionally and mentally and am not used to this type of weakness. Is this reaction normal?? Has anyone else dealt with this type of life stalling? Any advice besides therapy to pull myself out of whatever this is?
Thanks to anyone who read my kind of pathetic problem. 
8 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022
