Divorce IS scary but....
I read so many posts from new BS's about being scared to file. I was too cus divorce is objectively a scary thing to contemplate. But I thought it would be good to start a list from people who have divorced/are divorcing about the GOOD things about D. Not to try to influence anyone one way or the other, but to share some hope of a better future if D is the path you're on or heading towards.
To be clear - I am firmly in the D camp in almost all instances, but I don't judge anyone for staying either. It's such a hard choice either way.
I'll add mine. You add yours
Dday1: 11/07/2018, Dday2: 07/29/2019
D final: 12/13/2019
Since my D:
1. Life is much more calm without having to tiptoe around xwh's ego or edit who I am to make him comfortable. I live way more authentically now.
2. My successes are no longer resented (I always made more money etc and it got to the point that he was fine with spending my money but resentful of my work success, so much so that I did not even like telling him if I got a raise or promotion).
3. I was very lucky in that I kept our house and was able to sell it and make a handsome profit (which I also got to keep all of), but this has proven to be just amazing. I moved to a different state with a much cheaper cost of living and now live in a way smaller house. I did like my old house but didn't realize until I had left just how much emotional weight that place put on me - one because it was where ddays and the death of my M happened, but also because it was huge and maintaining it was so stressful. My living situation is so much simpler and emotionally light now.
4. Old timers might remember this anecdote, but.. my xwh didn't make the bed. I like the bed made. It used to make me crazy, being the only breadwinner, leaving the house at the asscrack of dawn, working all damn day, and then coming home to an unmade bed (when he would wake up at 10 or noon). It just..... steamed my clams man. And honestly? With hindsight, it was a total metaphor for our marriage too - I put in the effort and cared about the grown up things and adulting and asked for very very little, and he just did whatever he felt like.
My bed has been made EVERY day since 7/30/19.
5. Financially it has proven to be so much better and easier having just me to worry about. I was really worried about that before the D - whether I'd be able to afford things on my own - but happily it has worked out better than I ever thought possible. It took me a couple of stressful years to dig out of the financial hole I was in with him, but dig I did and today am in such a much better financial position than ever before.
6. Not to brag, but I get all the puppy and kitty snuggles now. ALL of them, anytime I want.
7. There are no longer socks all over the place. Not sure if this was a my xwh thing or a guy thing, but the boy changed socks at least three times a day and left them EVERYWHERE. Seriously, I was still finding them the day I moved out, 3.5 years after he left.
8. The people in my life now are ones that I love and trust (and that have proven to be worthy of my trust) and that reciprocate my efforts in the relationship.
9. BOUNDARIES. Still hard, still sucky to set, but I finally have that down. I also finally do not feel any need to apologize for them or explain them to anyone.
10. It is a lot easier to make decisions when I only have myself to consider. Again, one I didn't realize how much stress he added to my life putting all the adulting on me until he was gone.
11. I have embraced my feminine side. When he was around, from a spirit of compromise, I kept my decorating mostly gender neutral. But... I like butterflies, and flowers, and sparkles, and hot pink/aqua/green/yellow/orange/purple. It has been pretty awesome to get to buy new things that reflect MY aesthetic and has made my home so much more ME. Also looking forward to buying my next space and getting to paint and tile and do all the things that I want to do without having to worry about anyone else's opinion. Is gonna be amazing!
12. I get the remote and haven't had to watch any yt bullshit about engine mounts or whatever for years. Nor have I had to watch wrestling every week. Yeah don't miss those.
13. I get to sleep like a starfish in my bed.
14. I no longer have to give a diddly shit if anyone likes my hair or my clothes. I wear what I want and do my hair how I want.
15. When I have a house project that needs doing, I can just hire a pro to come do it. When xwh was around he would INSIST that he knew how to do a, b, or c. Spoiler: he didn't, or knew 'how' but did a half-assed lazy fucking job of it and then would get pissed if I said anything - and if I dared to suggest hiring someone to do it he would throw a hissy fit about how I 'didn't trust him' and how I was 'so critical' and 'never happy'. Which I see now for the manipulation it actually was. Yep, no longer have to deal with any of that nonsense.
16. The peace I have found is pretty hard to beat. And will take someone pretty spectacular to make me think of shaking that up.
I'm sure I'll think of more and will add as I do, but that's a good start!
3 comments posted: Friday, September 15th, 2023
I did it!!
Moved! I'm here! I legit live somewhere that there's palm trees and wild lizards 😁
My furniture should be here tomorrow, and looking SO forward to having my bed back, and my TV. My dogs and cats were amazing on the drive and my naked cat has been having the time of her life chasing all the bugs
And all the SI juju please that my CO house sells quick. That's the last piece of the puzzle...
16 comments posted: Tuesday, May 16th, 2023
It's really happening... eeeeeek :)
I've been away for a bit cus life has been crazy busy with getting my house ready to get sold.
But I now have my move date and IT'S A MONTH FROM TODAY. Whaaaat????
I still have a ton to do, but four years of dreaming and planning and working my ass off and it's finally really happening for really reals. This is the first time I have ever set a long term goal like this and actually gotten it accomplished and I am feeling very sassy with myself
I'm just so grateful for where I am in my life right now - looking back to where I was 4 years ago to where I am now feels like looking at two completely different lives, and I am just so damn proud of myself. Life is pretty sweet!
17 comments posted: Monday, April 10th, 2023
Change is awesome!
I bought my first piece of nice 'big girl' furniture years before xwh and I got together - it is a platform bed and a nice dresser. When we moved into my current house, "we" decided to buy a new bedroom set. It is pretty, but just has bad juju on it (xwh and ap had their lil slumber party on that bed). Plus it's way oversized and very masculine and dark. Also the bed is not a platform bed and I prefer not fuckin around with boxsprings and such.
I decided months ago that I wanted to get rid of the new set and go back to my old one that belonged to just me - one because I prefer the true platform and two I really don't need two king size bed sets (and don't want to move crosscountry with more crap than necessary) and last cus I am reclaiming ME dammit. I painted the old bed my favorite shade of green (coincidentally a shade xwh haaaated LOL) and bought new hardware for it and refinished the dresser too. They are both very 'me' now. Welp today I finally FINALLY had the mover guys come to help me swap everything around and OH EM GEEEEEE it's amazing!! My bedroom feels so bright and cheerful and so much bigger. I didn't realize how oppressed I really felt with that other set until it was out of there.
Ellie is a happy girl today!
12 comments posted: Thursday, February 2nd, 2023
What was your moment?
Whether you've reconciled or divorced, I feel like every BS has a moment when they are just done. Done dealing with their ws's crap, done with infidelity, just done. When they actually SEE the ws clearly.
I'll go first.
Towards the end of my disastrous attempt at R, my xwh and I had separated to give us both space to 'work on our own self'. He was staying with his parents about three hours away. My old dog Boomer, who was 16, took a turn and it was time to let him go. Xwh wanted to come with (he loved Booms too) to 'offer support'. So we did. And it was beautiful and awful like it always is saying goodbye to a beloved pet.
Later that evening his parents wanted to take us to dinner. I bowed out just because I was emotionally spent. Xwh went. He left his phone at the house to charge. I still don't know what made me do it, but I decided to go through his phone (like I'd been doing off and on all through R). I found a whole bunch of flirty sext-y messages with a completely different girl (other than his AP), including a lovely picture she sent him of her boobs. I looked at the time stamps.
Xwh was doing this convo while he was at the vets office with me while I held my dog (and best friend of 16 years) as he took his last breaths.
I felt the last vestige of hope or love I had for him, for our marriage, snap; I literally felt the snap happen in my soul. It was the first time since this whole shitshow started that I think I actually saw him clearly. All of a sudden this man that I was so scared of losing just looked utterly and completely revolting. I knew right then that I was done.
Unfortunately (for him) he was not a ws who ever got it or was ever going to change so 'our' story ended. But for me, the universe chose her moment well and got me the fuck out of infidelity. As skin-crawly (I never understood that in books before, but I felt it that day) as that moment was for me, I'm so very glad it happened. Changed the course of my whole life and put me on a brand new path.
39 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023
Just a wee bit of karma.
A few weeks ago I picked up the mail and there was a thing for my xwh in there. Me being me and nosey, I opened it. It was a form letter 'thank you for applying for this credit card, we are reviewing etc'. Well today, I got the follow up rejection letter that 'your credit sucks and you have too many late payments and your score is too low etc'. I read through it and his credit score is 520. Mine as of today is 790.
It's a small thing, but IN. YOUR. FACE. MOTHERFUCKER. My credit score when we divorced was in the low 600's cus of how financially draining it was keeping me and another non-contributing human afloat (though I didn't realize just how draining until we divorced and I got clear of him). I have busted my ass paying things off and getting back on solid financial footing these last three years, and this was just a delicious little validation of how my hard work has rewarded my life.
Is it wrong that I feel gleeful knowing he's suffering some actual consequences for his poor life choices? I promise I am working towards complete indifference, but I am just not there yet.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, January 17th, 2023
A huge life change.
Well now that I am weeks out instead of months out...
I am moving to Louisiana in late spring. I have lived in Colorado my whole life, in fact have lived within a 5 mile radius of where I am right now for the last 30 years.
Why you ask? Well for starters, have you freaking seen how expensive Colorado real estate is lately? After my divorce, I really wanted to downsize cus I definitely don't need a 2300 sf house with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms for just me. When I started looking into it (an mind you this was three years ago and prices have only gone up since), I realized that paying $300-400k for a condo with no yard, garage, or equity was just stupid. Right around that same time we visited family in Louisiana and the property values are like CO was 25 years ago. You can get a new house, brand new never lived in house, for $200k. So the initial thought was more financial than anything.
But as I have had junk haulers out this last year, and gotten rid of stuff, and gotten house projects done in prep for this move, I have started really thinking on what this move means for ME personally. I just have felt so stuck here for so long. Truthfully I did in my marriage too, tho I didn't fully realize that until after. I live close to my family, I do the same things day in and day out, here my path is set. And it's not that it's a bad path - I'm comfortable.
But that's the problem. I feel like for me, at this time in my life, getting out of my comfort zone is JUST what I need. I'm scared shitless of this move, but I am so very excited too. Is such a weird mental space to be in and not one I have been in for more years than I can remember. And it's the first time in SO long that I have done something like this for MYSELF. I want this year to be about embracing healthy selfishness for me. With the extra disposable income I will have as a result of this move, I am planning on investing in therapy and my bodily health. I am planning on traveling. Investing for my retirement. Buying a house and fixing it up as it pleases ME (without worrying about resale value or anyone else's opinions). And so many things that I simply cannot afford to do if I stay here.
These next few months are gonna suck logistically - I still have so much to do. But I can't wait to start this new chapter, in a new book, in a library somewhere far away.
21 comments posted: Sunday, January 8th, 2023
nakey nakey nakey
So the other day a friend of my mom's on fb (that I am friends with too) posted a pic of her new kitten - a male sphynx cat. I commented on it that he was so cute. I have wanted a nakey cat for as long as I can remember and the kitten pics always hit me right in the feels.
My mom. My crazy mom. I guess she found out in a roundabout way that the lady who had the litter had one little girl left. So my mom bought her for me whaaaaaaaat? I have to drive to Amarillo on Sunday to go get her, but I am finally getting my nakey cat!!! I am so beyond excited right now
I have decided to name her Nebula after the Marvel character, well also cus the actress that plays her played Amy Pond in Doctor Who (which is one of my favorite shows), and also cus I love nebulas and it's weird (like me) so it seemed to fit.
What a perfect time for it too - monday is my 4 yr dday antiversary, so I won't even be thinking of it this year!
Look at this lil nakey raisin ❤
19 comments posted: Thursday, November 3rd, 2022
Today is awesome!!
My lil baby nephew was born today at 9:22 am! He's 2 weeks early, weighed 6 lbs 5oz and is about the cutest damn thing I've ever seen!! My sis is doin good too
15 comments posted: Saturday, October 8th, 2022
Do you ever wonder? (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Friday, July 15th, 2022
I have way too much shit.
I had the junk hauling folks out yesterday. They hauled an ENTIRE TRUCK of crap out of my house, and I still need to have them back to get more (but won't be an entire truck next time I don't think). One of the big things they took yesterday was a huge monstrosity of a couch the xwh built during our false R that has been chilling in my garage since March of 2020. I didn't realize how much resentment I felt towards that fucking thing until it was gone and it feels SO crazy good. That was the last big thing of his left.
The good news is - my house is way emptier today AND I can actually park my car in my garage (seriously it's in there and I can shut the door and everything!!) for the first time in 3+ years. Feels like a weight off my shoulders!!
7 comments posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
[insert philosophical title here]
I found out today that my sister is pregnant with her second - I'm gonna be an auntie again!! My niece (who is the bestest cutest most awesomest kid evah!!) will be 8 in Nov and the baby is due in October. When she had my niece she was really young and the dad was a total shitshow (abusive and horrible and the family couldn't stand him) and I was dealing with infertility when xwh and I were trying for a baby, so it was really really hard. My sis told me today and felt bad, which made me feel bad that she felt bad... it was a whole catholic thing This time around though - I love my future brother in law who is just a sweetheart, and though I did still feel a little pang I am 98.5% thrilled about it and so so happy for them!
The only kinda bittersweet part is that I am planning to move in July/August. I'm going to be moving to a different state for the first time in my 40+ years, moving to cajun country!! In prep for that, I had my realtor come by a couple weeks ago to do a walkthrough with me and give me some direction on fixes and such. Her company offers a service where you can do an interest-free loan against your equity to do fixes (which, side note: I have WAY more equity than I thought - after commission and everything, I should walk away from closing with a check for almost $200K whaaaaaat???). You have to do an application for it, which takes your credit into consideration, and WOW. When fucknugget left, my credit was in the mid 500's. As of today, my credit score was 774 All the work I've done in the last two years to pay down debt and get myself on more solid financial footing has paid off hugely - and how much easier it is to be financially good when you don't have a man-sized toddler sucking the life out of you cannot be understated. Finding out just how much better my finances/credit are been so unbelievably validating for me.
Just... life man. No matter how low a spot you're in, it always moves forward and it almost always gets better. You can be in the darkest of places and emerge into a better brighter spot than you ever believed possible. Today I am just so damn grateful for all the dark paths that led me to this place in my journey because it's a pretty damn beautiful place to be. And knowing that I'm gonna get a check that big in a few months that's all mine (seriously - fuckin suck it xdouche!) for me to design the next chapters in my life? *chef's kiss* That is priceless.
5 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022
Any tips and good juju please!
I'm sick of smoking. Sick of it. I'm tired of coughing and sore throats and headaches, spending money and smelly clothes, and being scared of the health consequences. So I'm attempting to quit for the umpteenth time and I REALLY want to make it this time. Wish me luck!
I have patches and lozenges, and pretty sure I have the proper motivation in place. I work from home so hopefully the stabby feelings won't be so terrible
Any tips to help a girl out? If you successfully quit, what helped you?
14 comments posted: Saturday, January 15th, 2022
New decade :)
I am forty today.
My 30's were.... interesting. I learned a lot. About how strong I am. About how resilient I am. About my humor and my compassion and all the things that make me, ME. I honed in on a lot of things I want to work on too, which I am thankful for because I still have so much to learn and so much opportunity and capacity for change.
Taking all that learning I did in the last decade, my 40's are gonna be fucking amazing I feel
18 comments posted: Thursday, July 22nd, 2021
I bought a new car today! I went through that Carvana place and my new wheels will be delivered a week from tomorrow Is crazy that you can buy a whole ass car online now...
I ended up going with a 2018 Mazda CX-3 in that gorgeous juicy red color so I also then know exactly what color my nails are gonna be next week LOL (OPI An Affair in Red Square - so fitting for so many reasons)
I just can't believe what a difference a couple years have made in my life. 2 years ago my credit was so shite I would have needed a co-signer to do this, but not having someone around bleeding me dry financially has allowed me to pay things off and turn things around more than I ever thought possible. Ellie is a happy girl today!
27 comments posted: Friday, April 30th, 2021
So I posted over in NB about getting a bathroom reno done. I am withdrawing some 401k money to do this.
Welp. Found out today that my old 401k place still has me as married and they are asking for a spousal consent form! UGH. It'll be okay - called them and I just have to send them a copy of my certified divorce decree (which I had to dig for but did find).
I was right at the start of the name change process when covid hit and it just kinda got moved to the back burner cus so many of the government offices got so backed up. But I am getting this name change done, immediately.
So... I seem to remember that changing to my married name wasn't this big a pain in the arse. Does anyone have any good services or tips for me to get this done? I'm sick of looking at that last name now and want my old one back!
17 comments posted: Friday, February 19th, 2021
So I am getting my master bathroom renovated - my guy was here today to go over final estimate and details and will be starting March 1.
I have picked out all my tile and things, got my vision in my head of what it's gonna look like and I think it will be really nice! Plus I am doubling my closet space (woo hoo), and will FINALLY be able to organize my shoes. I am so excited I can hardly stand it...
Just got me to thinking though. The bathroom in it's current state is a mess. There was a leak when douchewad was still here - his solution for it was as lazy as the rest of his life, he just flex sealed EVERYTHING. And while I was picking out my tile and stuff, it just made me remember the fights we used to get in whenever home renovation type things came up. I would always ask that we hire a pro, and xwh would get all pissy and snippy because he thought he knew how to do things like tile and drywall and such (spoiler alert - he didn't). Just so happy that I was able to hire a pro to come and do this project and pick out all the stuff to make it how I want and didn't have any of the tactfully tiptoeing around a tiny fragile little ego. Not to mention that my financial state is so much better not having someone sucking the life out of me and my checking account
It's just one more little example of HOW MUCH BETTER my life is without him. Things like this hit me occasionally and make me feel almost unbearable gratitude that I am free of all the bullshit that came with him. And bonus! I don't have to share my closet with anybody
30 comments posted: Thursday, February 18th, 2021
Am I the only one....
...Who literally has ZERO desire to date? I keep telling myself I won't always feel like that, but honestly right now the thought of dating just makes me feel like slapping things.
I was talking with a friend the other day and it came up and I just told her that I really feel like he killed the part of me that gave a shit about being in a couple. Don't get me wrong - for right now I am 90% happy being on my own and not having to deal with someone else's crap. But I do still ruminate on that 10% bit. I'm young and I don't necessarily think I want to be alone forever but I do wonder and fret over it sometimes.
Could be too that I have gone full-on cuckoo's nest cus of you know, the WORLD right now. I dunno, just rambling I suppose.
22 comments posted: Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020
New job - wooooot!!
So my boss when I was dealing with dday1 and all the subsequent bullshit with exdouche was WONDERFUL. She was SO supportive and amazing - I honestly don't know what I would've done at work without her... (no lie, I was so useless for a couple months, I probably would have been let go if I had a shitty boss). Just one of those rare bosses that are so few and far between.
Anyways, she left in January for another company and it's just not been the same without her there. She called yesterday and wants to hire me to work for her again at her new company. We talked about the nuts and bolts for a bit, but she met with the big boss today and it's a go - 6k more a year, I get to set my own schedule, better work that is more suited to me... and the best part? I was planning on eventually leaving CO (looking for more affordable place to live) and I can keep this job and work remotely!
I am so SO excited and happy. Other than divorcing his dumbass, this is the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time.
Just needed to share
25 comments posted: Tuesday, August 4th, 2020
Bang boom mofo. Smell the freedom!
Prefacing this by saying I have utmost respect for vets and I know 'murica day is usually not their fave holiday.
But my exdouche was a vet. And he haaaaated the fourth. I love fireworks, and the smell of gunpowder, and the booms and bangs. When he was here if I acted like I was enjoying all that, he would be so pissy with me. This is the first fourth of July in a decade that I've been able to enjoy without having to tiptoe around him and his jumpiness
Hope you're miserable and jumpy as fuck shithead! Cus I'm enjoying my fucking freedom!!
Yeeeaaah. Still haven't gotten to meh yet. Working on it
12 comments posted: Saturday, July 4th, 2020
Holy shit am I so goddam happy that my D got finalized right before the world went tits-up... Aside from the fact that my xdoouchehole went through a roll a day of TP on his own, he was also completely incapable of existing with himself. I can't even imagine how sick of his shit I would be if I had been stuck in a house with him for the last month. So grateful that things worked out with the timing.
And speaking of houses - I bought my house in 2015. For 'us'. We had a laundry list of things we wanted to do to it, number 1 of which was replacing the revolting carpet. We used to get into arguments about what we wanted to do to the house, mostly because he had no taste at all. Also he had a very overblown sense of his abilities to do 'house stuff'. Welp - my bonus from work this year was enough for me to replace my carpets finally! I cannot tell you how happy doing that makes my home feel. Plus i am taking all this time I have to purge things. I am going one closet/room at a time and shedding all the crap I had accumulated during my M.
My next project I am super excited for - starting on my homemade 'me' ornaments and decorations for my awesome Christmas tree. I decided that in December - I am tossing all the christmas stuff I had with him and making my own stuff that is tres moi. Should be some fun!
Just wanted to share those thoughts for anyone still in the hell of separation or facing a divorce and feeling scared about it. Hard and heart-breaking as it is/was, life after is really not so bad. Different, but better in a lot more ways than I anticipated.
Hope everyone is surviving the apocalypse OK!!
8 comments posted: Friday, April 10th, 2020
1 comment posted: Wednesday, February 26th, 2020
This is my first post in NB. Started it in D/S... but you know? I think it goes here.
Nothing huge. I got my hair cut last weekend (I have had short spiky cuts for years), and did something kinda different. I *almost* have a mohawk. Its way short on the sides and back and all crazy long and spiky on the top and longer in the middle on the back. But not like punk mohawk... like... business mohawk. And this weekend am dying it black with big hot pink chunky highlights. Cus I can that's why.
I have been feeling extra spicy this week and I'm not sure why, but I realized this morning that the x would have haaaated this haircut (which was not consciously in my head last week at all) and I really love it. It's the first (visible) thing I've done that feels like ME. Feels like the me before all that other shit happened.
I dunno, it just made me very happy realizing that. It's like all these little things keep happening and the doubt and negativity and 'bad' that was my M at the end is shedding off, piece by piece. I still have my days, but overall my soul and my being just feels lighter. I'm... happy. Is that what that feels like?
5 comments posted: Thursday, February 6th, 2020
Good for a laugh
Just MHO, but I think we need some funnies.
So what are some of your favorite funny/cute gifs?
28 comments posted: Wednesday, December 4th, 2019
Any G2G's in CO?
I would love to attend a G2G, but I really can't travel far this year for financial reasons. Are there any members in Colorado or surrounding states that maybe we could plan something in the not too distant future?
9 comments posted: Tuesday, September 10th, 2019