Newest Member: zurichtime

stubbornft

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

How to navigate new weekends

My WS and I were “best friends” and we did everything together. We have all of the same interests and we really enjoyed each other’s company. It is really what kept me hanging around trying. I ended things Tuesday and I am trying to prepare for the weekends because I know they will be so hard. I have friends and I love them and they are there for me. But they are married and busy. The stuff that I will miss is outdoor activities together, trying new restaurants together (we are both vegan so not everyone is excited to try my places lol), stuff like that. What were some good things you did to build up new routines on the weekends?

I am going to run with a friend on Saturday morning and walk with a friend Sunday morning. I found a women’s hiking group on MeetUp that seems active in my area – I will probably wait a little bit to join them.

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas or if you got new hobbies or interests after splitting up. Did anyone try MeetUp groups and if so did you feel you met people you liked & formed friendships with? WS and I did hiking trips together and I would be so sad to not do that anymore. None of my friends are in to hiking so fingers crossed that this women’s hiking group is a good fit for me.

I am not terrified of being alone. I am ok with being single and healing and all of that. I just want to rebuild a little. I don't want to just do all the things we did together - now alone - and just be a sad person. I want to find new ways to do the things I love or find some new things.

21 comments posted: Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Why did you tell others?

I am curious to hear from people who have told their family and/or friends about their WS's infidelity.

Basically I am wondering what was your reason for telling?

This is something coming up for me right now. I have told 3 friends and my sister about my WH's cheating. No one else. He has told his sister and a couple of close guy friends.

At first I thought I wouldn't tell anyone else unless we didn't work things out. R is going well at this moment but I know we aren't far along yet.

I haven't told the rest of my family (basically my parents and grandmother) or my kids (they are 17 and 19 and not his kids). He hasn't told his kids (they are in their very early 20s and do not live in the same state as us.

I don't want to tell my kids unless we are not able to reconcile. At that point I would tell them as a cautionary tale of what happens if you cheat. I don't really want him to tell his kids, either.

My mother is a fWW and it caused so much FOO issues for me.

A part of me kind of wants to tell my parents and grandmother but I am not sure why I want to tell them. My parents aren't people that are good in a crisis. My mother doesn't give me motherly advice, she never has. She is more like a needy girlfriend to me and my sister. I have the support of my friends, my sister and IC.

I don't feel any need to tell any other friends. I have told those that I am close with that are really supportive and I feel it was the right call to make, they have been supportive and loving.

I think that maybe one reason for telling them would be because I want to make sure I am not making this easy on WH. He is doing what he needs to right now. He told me he supports whatever I choose to do, said he would go to them and tell them if I wanted him to. I don't think I want him to go to them, I think I would talk to them.

But they likely won't make me feel any better. My grandmother is 78 and will be very sad to hear about this. She actually would be the most supportive of the 3 of them. I believe my grandfather was also a fWH. But I also think she would be heartbroken for me. And she really loves WH.

Sorry if this is disjointed. Trying to think this through and can't quite put my finger on why or why not to tell.

I think it is mostly not wanting it to be easy on him but I don't feel at peace with that. Because it isn't easy on him, I am making requirements for R that he is working on. We aren't legally married so he would technically be WSO not WH. And we don't have kids together. So in a lot of ways I feel he has chosen to R for the right reasons, not because it is easier.

What say you, Reconcilers? Wait a little while and see what I feel later?

[This message edited by stubbornft at 2:56 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

27 comments posted: Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Do you ever feel like you got the full story?

My SO is out of the house, wants to get therapy and come back home. I am doubtful I will be able to do that but I am also struggling a lot emotionally since he left. Some days are great. Some are awful. The weekends are terrible. Anyway, I just know I don’t know all of the details. He has been referred to a sex addiction specialist because the last 2 counselors feel he needs specifically sex therapy and the latest thinks he is a sex addict but wants him assessed.

Did you ever get to a point where you felt you had the whole story? I know it is impossible to know every detail. But I have very little info. What I have was found out by me mostly. He admitted to happy ending massages but says hand job is the most he did. Handjob is cheating. But I don’t believe that was the extent of it. He says he thinks he went for about 2 years. I found a disgusting website that reviews these places and I read up on the one he went to. The offer BJ, full sex, you can touch the women, etc. All for more money of course.

I told him this and he says that he never knew that and would never have done it, and they never tried. Which I just have to believe is total bullshit. He was a regular, went a minimum of once a month, sometimes twice a month. In September every week. I only know that because he let me look at his credit card bills once I found out.

I am driving myself crazy. I have begged for him to tell me the truth. I have told him reconciliation is more likely if he would tell me something new, that I don’t already know. That I would feel like he is ready to be honest and move toward being healthy.

I don’t want him to trickle truth for months. I am already I agony and I want it over with.

I am going to hopefully be joining a group in the next month that is partners and ex partners of sex addicts and/or cheaters and I am sure that will help.

I feel so anxious all the time. I just want to make sense of my life for the last 9 years because it doesn’t make sense right now.

43 comments posted: Friday, March 26th, 2021

Massage parlor was final straw

Not sure if this belongs in JFO, even though I just found out, because I feel like so many here are going through more than I am. I basically just need advice about how to coexist in as healthy a way as possible until we can afford to move into our seperate places. I have 2 teen sons that don’t know any of this and won’t know we are splitting up until it is time to actually move apart.

My partner is male and is 50. I am female and 40. We have been together almost 10 years.

We have been in a dead bedroom for years. We have sex about once every 6-8 weeks. It used to be slightly more because I used to initiate more often. But that gets less appealing when your partner doesn’t seem that in to you.

When I get upset he says he is attracted to me, loves me, doesn’t know what is wrong. He doesn’t kiss me or tell me I am pretty, nada. I have communicated plenty, told him I feel lonely, all of it.

I am in good shape, take care of myself. A decade his Junior. Nothing has changed physically since we met.

He had a previous porn problem (watched all day, between work calls, etc). Says he stopped porn because he felt it was contributing to the problem. I haven’t ever been one to have an issue with porn but do think it was odd how much he watched.

He had been getting testosterone shots starting probably in 2019. I didn’t notice a difference but he said he could tell a little, was starting to wake up with a erection again, thought it was the right path. He also started counseling because I was at my breaking point (again). Well around November 2020 he stopped the shots and the therapy to “see” if he was ok without them. Things weren’t great with them but I guess I at least felt like he was putting forth effort.

Well predictably things got worse. I got more upset. I said I am done if we can’t get this fixed. I said I would do couples counseling.

We did 2 sessions and then by a crazy mixup on Tuesday I found a credit card statement showing he has been going to a massage parlor in secret. I had no idea, no gut feeling, etc. I confronted him and after many changes to his story he said that he goes about once a month, they massage his dick, he feels like shit about it. I mean he goes back so....

Anyway. Am I alone in this? Anyone else have this happen?

I am done. I am very sad but I am done.

There are other issues with the relationship but this is the biggest and there isn’t enough positive for me to want to work it out anymore. It will take some time to get finances seperated and we will have to keep living together for a few more months at least.

How do you get through it until you can seperate fully? I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. So no custody and all to worry about although this will be hard for them. I have started counseling myself to see why the fuck I have stuck around so long when my needs aren’t being met.

He is claiming to be devastated and wants to work on things but he has said that so many times and nothing ever really changes. He has some trauma in his FOO that is very sad but I just can’t keep sacrificing my happiness.

I actually have had a SI profile for a long time because he has done other untrustworthy things in the past, but the massage parlor is a boundary I can’t let go.

TLDR: my partner gets handjobs at massage parlor. I need to figure out how to keep living together until we can part ways fully.

Edited to add - I posted this on another forum (not infidelity related) and was told I sound flippant about this. I am not, I have cried more in the last few days than the last few years. I was and am in shock and then weepy, and would love tips on how to stop crying when it isn’t convenient. Thankfully I am working from home.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 4:16 PM, January 25th (Monday)]

9 comments posted: Monday, January 25th, 2021

keylogger for iPhone 5?

I think he has a 5! I can see his disgusting YouTube viewing history, but his YouTube search history is always just the G rated stuff he watches. Could he be using private browsing on his phone? He watches all of the YouTube stuff on his phone. And I can see his Google history and activity and the nasty videos are not showing up under the browser history.

Is there a good keylogger for iPhones? He is NOT tech savvy at all. And I can get to his phone when he is sleeping.

1 comment posted: Friday, May 20th, 2016

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