Newest Member: WhatnowH

Tanner

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

Horse Questions

I watched the Kentucky Derby yesterday and was really amazed at how beautiful and powerful horses are. I’ve never been around horses until the last year or so, I’ve gotten to know the 2 in the pasture next to us. I’m able to call them to the fence and pet them.

My questions are, do you think the horses know they are racing? Do they know when they win? Are the horses pampered or abused? I don’t want to start a debate but curious how they are treated.

Here’s what I do know, the winner was a long shot paying 80-1. Sure wish I had put a couple grand on it.

9 comments posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Full Moon

I have a question about how a full moon affects people. We have 13 year old twin boys with Autism. One is high functioning and the other is severe and non verbal. Our more severe Son is about a 3 year old cognitive level and has behavioral issues.

Yesterday evening he was off the charts in behavior, we literally had to just stand by him and follow him around the house and out in the yard he will just take off running out the door. His attention span on a toy or task was about 15 - 30 seconds. This morning I took him to school and it took 5 people to get him from my car. He was throwing anything he could get his hands on and was hitting anyone that came near him.

He is such a sweet kid, loves people and is very social, he’s a hugger, but today and yesterday were off!!!

My W has always said the behavioral flares are around the full moon, I’m not so sure but wonder what y’all think about it.

11 comments posted: Thursday, March 17th, 2022

Our Wedding Anniversary

Today is 2.5 years from Dday, tomorrow is our 31 year wedding anniversary.

I gave an update recently so I won’t repeat it, but things are going well, I’m about 70% healed, and things feel "normal" again.

My W has done everything I’ve asked, and is the lady I couldn’t wait to marry 31 years ago. I’ve read it here many times "now you know who they really are". I don’t agree, I didn’t recognize that person, my W doesn’t recognize her either. She couldn’t hide "who she really was" for 30 years. What she did was show me what she is capable of, and I will always have to remember that. But for today, I’m happy with the person she "really" is.

As for our anniversary we are celebrating, I’m proud of our M, I’ve been a great, faithful H for 31 years. We have 2 adult kids that are successful, our grandchildren are a true blessing. We were able to adopt twins at birth 13 years ago, we have a successful (essential) business, and we live below our means.

What’s not to celebrate!!!

8 comments posted: Monday, March 7th, 2022

Update on R

I want to give an update because my last one was whiney and felt like a step back. After getting to the bottom of my feelings, from a couple months ago, I’ve determined I was in the POLF. I don’t know how I missed it, but it took 2 years to find it and understand it. In that state I felt nothing, I referred to my W as a live in girlfriend I wasn’t ready to propose to. Also during that time I was watching her very close and nit picking everything. Every day stresses, that all couples experience, I was blaming on her, selfishness, I had her walking on eggshells and if she defended herself, well then she’s just still defensive. Honestly things were good but I had to find something.

I’m nearing 2.5 years from Dday and am in the middle of the healing sweet spot. My W has been solid (not perfect) since 12/2019.

In the POLF, it was time to let some walls down and drop off some more baggage along the journey.

You cannot carry all of this for the 2-5 years it takes to heal, you have to lighten the load, not rug sweep, but deal with things and then discard them. I had a tendency to hold on to some of it because letting go meant giving in, or was I addicted to the pain? Processing and letting go actually helps the healing, holding on keeps you in the muck.

I have read here everyday since Dday. At first I couldn’t get enough, I would read every thread 3 pages deep, it was an obsession. I believe another sign of healing is that there are days I read here and I can’t comprehend what I’m reading, it doesn’t compute or make sense. I think, "I just can’t today" and I end up in off topic or playing the music game. This phase comes and goes for me, but I’m thankful for a place here to relax and engage in some shenanigans.

I want to thank the Vets and those running parallel with me for all the help and inspiration, I won’t mention any names because I don’t want to leave anyone out.

Things are going well right now, we have some major decisions coming up with our business and our future. I’m comfortable saying we are making these life decisions together and we are preparing to eventually retire and ride off into the sunset.

Thanks SI.

13 comments posted: Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Paying Respect

I feel a need to pay proper respect to Chili for your willingness to fall on the sword for the rest of us.

Killing a thread is already a shot to our self esteem, but killing a "thread killing thread" well that would be next level devastation.

We all knew this risk of getting involved but we went anyway. It takes a special leader, a martyr, to actually draw the sword of Sisoon and protect the rest of us.

Your bravery is unmatched and you are forever, heretofore, and henceforth crowned the ultimate thread-killer.

Bows to the throne,

Respectfully

Tanner

5 comments posted: Sunday, February 13th, 2022

I Have a Secret to Keep

Our Daughter is expecting her 3rd!!!! I’m really excited about this because her first two were from her first M, and it was a very stressful time, in a M she needed out of. We love the grandkids dearly, but couldn’t enjoy the pregnancy journey and birth because of the drama.

Her second H is perfect for her, I couldn’t have picked better for her myself. He stepped in 5 years ago and became a great Daddy to the girls. He has always been content to not have bio kids, and just raise the girls as his own.

We will be able to rejoice and celebrate this as a family, this time.

I swore to not tell anybody, but y’all aren’t just "anybody" y’all are my SI family. laugh

20 comments posted: Saturday, February 12th, 2022

Crazy SI Dream

I had a dream last night that my W and I walked into a hotel ballroom we were dressed very nice, it was full of people. I looked down and had a name tag on that said "Tanner" then I saw a sign that said "SI Annual Conference". I wish it said "welcome to the conference no one wanted to be at". But I would be embellishing. laugh

My W hesitated at the door and when I realized what it was, a calm peace came over me, I said "we are safe here, these are my people". I remember walking past people and seeing so many familiar user names. That’s about all I remember other than everyone was beautiful, we all looked better than super models.

If this is a thing, sign me up, a meeting where we don’t have to reveal our identities but can meet IRL it was awesome!!!

11 comments posted: Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

Badass Habits Jen Sincero

My first visit to The Book Club. Have any of you read any of the Bad Ass books? Jen Sincero is the author of the series. I started with Bad Ass Habits, I’m hooked!! It’s a real attitude shift, I did this organically during my healing process, but to read it is very encouraging. So far it’s a great book.

0 comment posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

R I P John Madden now Betty White

Such bad news, first John Madden now Betty White. Two American treasures.

11 comments posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

Mod Please

Thanks

1 comment posted: Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

Survivor 41

Any other Survivor fans here? This season is a lot different than others. I have to say I think there are too many twists and advantages, I enjoy the social and strategic aspect of the game, and when you throw too many curve balls into it, it’s hard to follow.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

2 Year Dday 2 antiversary

Today is 2 years from Dday 2. This is a bit of a vent but I welcome input from WS in R also.

I went today and spent some time for myself. I got a haircut and got my sweet beard manicured and I feel awesome. My confidence is off the charts, today.

I’m at the end of false R season. I don’t remember it last year but this year is definitely triggery. False R is where, for me, the most damage was done. In false R I had a front row seat to just how cruel my WW could be. When I agreed to R on Dday, she pulled the knife out of back, then immediately plunged it into my heart, with 2 months of TT, manipulation and la la land. No further contact with AP but confided in her friend that she missed him. She also was telling her she was going to play nice until she could leave the M.

Since we started R for the second time in Dec 2019 she has been solid. Very supportive and remorseful. But, in the past couple of months I feel old habits and behaviors creeping back in. She is showing some selfishness, disrespect, depression and clamming up instead of communicating. My gut is good she isn’t up to anything, but this is the pattern that lead to the top of the slippery slope.

I have brought my concerns up to her as well as the triggers I’ve had this time of year and have been met with defensiveness. She has suggested I should be healed by now, but “SI just keeps me triggered”.

My healing is progressing just fine, I know that’s on me, my triggers are manageable. I don’t expect her to heal me, but don’t sabotage it either. It feels like our R has either plateaued or hit a wall for now. We enjoy our time together and we make a great team with our boys(special needs), but I feel like I have a live in girlfriend that I’m not ready propose to yet. I don’t feel stuck or in limbo, for now, but is this as good as it gets? Is it a phase of R fatigue? Not sure where we are honestly.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Email Help

I thought I would run this by the smartest group of people I know. I have an IPhone and 2 business email accounts. I have it clear the server after 7 days but the emails stay on my phone indefinitely. I now see that my oldest email is mid August. This is problem, I need some of the older emails as they are part of projects I’m working on.

I don’t really need to go back and recover them, but what setting have I hit that is automatically removing them from my phone? TIA

3 comments posted: Thursday, September 16th, 2021

2 Years From Dday

Today is 2 years from Dday, things are going well, triggers and mind movies are definitely decreasing. My anger is almost gone, I still have moments. 2 years ago we had a couple months of false R with TT but when she cleared the fog she has been solid for 21 months, not perfect, but a solid remorseful W working hard on herself.

A few days ago a Facebook (2 year) memory came up and it was a picture of my WW and I out on a date. Knowing the timeline, it was after she had spent time at APs house having sex that day. We have our arms around each other with smiles on our faces.

I looked at the guy smiling in the picture and felt so upset with him, I called that guy many names, pathetic, joke, head up his ass, etc. I didn’t like the guy in the picture. I was pissed at him.

He’s not the same guy I see in the mirror, I gave up the shame and self blame when I reclaimed my self esteem about a year ago. I’m so proud of the man in the mirror. He’s confident, doesn’t take any shit, doesn’t have her on a pedestal, he’s in better shape, and has an awesome beard. 😀

So I’ve thought about this for a few days, I asked myself, is this how I feel about other BSs? Would I call those names to others in his shoes? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Its not his fault. That guy in the picture was scammed, lied to, conned. betrayed. He believed, and had faith in the WW in the picture.

On this journey triggers are coming my way, I am at the point where working on processing, and learning from them. I can look at that guy in the picture and know, he has made it sooo far, he’s going to be great no matter what. He’s not plan B (she is free to leave anytime). He’s not letting infidelity take one more thing from him.

I am not healed, but taking control of these triggers has been a huge step. Instead of an anger response I want to learn from them, analyze, over think, and maybe start retraining my lizard brain.

Here’s to 2 years from the worst thing to ever happen in my life. Thank you members of SI, WS and BS. I wish none of us were here but so thankful we had a place to go. Best Wishes everyone.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

11 comments posted: Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

I survived a 2 year antiversary

I survived a big 2 year antiversary. Dday (denial day) 6/30/19. This was when I caught her in a lie for the first time. She explained it away and I bought it. This was the day she met a stranger in a bar and went home with him. I caught her day 1, by accident, I wasn’t even suspicious. From there she began a 2 month EA/PA with him.

I have had anxiety leading up to the day and the night before I had a trigger that knocked me down, but overall it was just another day. My W has been willing to help me however I need her. She sent me a really nice, encouraging message that day and then made me a steak dinner that night.

It really makes a difference to have a remorseful fWS willing to do the work, not perfect, we have bumps in the road, but she has made this journey to R worth it.

The nice message and the steak dinner help to make that date something positive in our M. I told her next year we are going to that bar so I can show her what it’s like to leave with a real man.

14 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Those triggers that set you way back

I’ve really been trying to encourage those that are in R and stay positive but as we all know it’s a journey filled with ups and downs.

I’m at the bottom of the hill right now. My W and I binge watched a series over the weekend. A lady in it reminded me of my W. It was entertaining because of the similarities with her, then a make-out scene came on, I closed my eyes and couldn’t watch, I fell asleep soon after. I had a nightmare/dream that brought on another Dday feeling. I woke up in a panic and haven’t felt the same since. I have actually done well with triggers but this looked like AP with WW right there on the screen.

I shared my trigger with her and she apologized but she has been walking on eggshells since. I haven’t been a jerk or anything, just quiet and to myself. This brings on the thoughts of why did I stay? Why did I agree to R? I know this is temporary and will pass but it sure sucks.

On a positive I took all the emotional energy and cleaned out drawers, closet, and storage areas. Those accomplishments made me feel better at the end of the day.

Two steps forward, one step back

13 comments posted: Thursday, March 18th, 2021

18 months from Dday 30 year anniversary tomorrow

Today is 18 months since Dday. I want to say a big thank you to everyone here, you are making a difference. We are currently working towards R. I would say we are in a good place right now, but not there yet. There are some mile markers along this journey. I would like to share.

The first was breaking through the fog, my WW ended her PA on Dday, but continued to believe all lies and justifications she had told herself to make what she doing “ok”. This involves, TT, blame shifting, minimizing, and gas lighting . This was a very difficult part because this where I believe most of the damage is done, the aftermath. At 2 months I found SI and discovered I was not in R, not even close. I studied and implemented the 180 and it saved me. I put myself first started taking care of my health. I “grew a pair” and basically told her she was free to go, I was going to a lawyer preparing for S and probably D. We spent a month of hell, like an exorcism removing all the shit out of our lives. This is where the fog broke. She was showing true remorse but too little too late and I wasn’t buying it anyway.

The second mile marker was offing R for a second time. She begged and told me she would do anything. I got the written timeline and it matched up with what I had, and then some. The main thing was my gut was good. I had known her 30 years and she was a terrible liar. I knew when I had the truth, her eyes came back, corny yes, but I hadn’t seen those eyes in over a year.

The third mile marker was the anger stage 6-12 months. I think my fog and shock was lifting and I was like WTF just happened? I was very angry with myself for putting up with it, what a pathetic loser I was. I have never been verbally abusive but boy did I say some things that were out of character for me. She walked on eggshells and would panic if she burnt dinner. Most of my anger was with myself. It was also during this phase that I got my self esteem back. I don’t need to compete with her AP. I’m a better man because I would never touch a married woman, I had integrity, I have always protected my M. I am more than enough for my WW and if she ever stops believing that, it’s her loss. She can find richer, she can find better looking, but she will never find a better man for her.

The fourth mile marker came in late June at the first of the antiversaries also when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. He came home on hospice, my W was absolutely a blessing to my parents, she was selfless, going over to their house cleaning, scrubbing, running errands, tending to my Dad. Helping administer medication. You name it she was there, and it all lined up with the PA timeline a year before. The antiversaries landed with a whimper, I had more anxiety leading up to them than the days themselves.

The fifth mile marker is where I am today. Personal growth. After my Dad passed I had a whole new view of my W. The anger served a necessary purpose but was now a burden. Someone posted in R about anger, I did not make any comment in that thread but it changed the course of our R journey, it was time to let go of the anger, my W actually told me soon after that, “thank you for being patient with me and not throwing me away”. She was thanking me for being patient in the false R, I didn’t know any better back then because I hadn’t found SI. My anger was that I put up with false R. All that to say it meant more to me than 1000 apologies, I was ready to let go of the anger. I’m now in the dropping baggage phase. I can be upset about a thousand different things but what is at the core? It’s that she took something so precious to me and threw it away. We will never get it back. She betrayed me!!! That’s it. I’m focused on healing that and the thousand other things that go along with it will fall away.

When we wake up tomorrow it will be our 30th wedding anniversary. You know what? I’m proud of it. I kept my vows. My W doesn’t fully understand what I’ve been through because she has never been a BS and I’m damn proud of that. I have a great friend here that said reclaim that anniversary. I won’t let infidelity take one more thing from me. We will be celebrating!!!

Thanks everyone.

9 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

F-ing Tom Brady

Sorry I’m a very frustrated Cowboys fan, congratulations Tom you are definitely the GOAT!!!

15 comments posted: Sunday, February 7th, 2021

A new outlook on R

Seeing my W go through the trauma of her Mom’s suicide has me really rethinking what I’m doing in R.

Some of us BS’s wish our WS could get a feel for what we are going through with the betrayal trauma. Seeing my W suffer sucks, because I know what she is feeling, no it’s not the same as a tragic death, but our bodies and minds react the same.

My W can’t sleep, no appetite, closes her eyes and has haunting images, it’s on her mind all day, says “how could she do this?” “If I was a better daughter she wouldn’t have done this”. “If she would have talked to me first, it wouldn’t have happened”. I have been helping her work through these feelings and I have told her that I know how it feels because it is very similar to the trauma a BS experiences.

When I started the R journey, my W had fulfilled all the requirements, I promised myself we would deal with the A and not rug sweep it. Late last week I had a bit of an oh shit moment, I haven’t thought about the A in a week!!! I had put the A on the back burner, and didn’t realize it. TBH it felt really good. But wait, if I do that am I rug sweeping?

In a panic I ran to a dear friend, that is years ahead of me in R, and asked what do I do? The A is on the back burner? The response, “leave it there and light that shit on fire!!!”

No way! that is rug sweeping right? No, I didn’t rug sweep it, I have analyzed the A forward and backwards, I have asked every question multiple times multiple ways. I have lived in this mess for a year and half and I’ve choked down that shit sandwich. My gut is good I have all the info I need.

So here was Tanner’s R journey plan. I carry this shit in my lap for the 2-5 years and one day poof, I’m healed!!!

Does carrying this shit keep my W from ever doing it again? Of course not, it only hurts me. If it’s a journey shouldn’t I dispose of it as I process and “accept” it? Start to deal with the triggers and begin to not let them control me. Won’t I be better prepared in that 2-5 year place if I stop dragging it with me? Am I picking a healing wound just to watch it bleed?

Health and fitness is also a journey. If it takes 9 months to hit your goal weight and you sit and eat cake and McDonald’s for that time, at 9

months you won’t go poof goal weight. It takes hard work. Same with R, we need goals along the way to make sure we are progressing.

Could this be why a BS comes back years later and they are not any better off? I know this also depends on the effort of the WS but in my case I have no excuse, my W is working hard at R.

I realize I’m still on the roller coaster, but it’s time to pack some shit away. Could my W do it again? Sure, I’m much more prepared if she does, but I know her and I will spot it immediately, and next time I will believe my gut and not dismiss it.

Best Wishes to everyone here.

7 comments posted: Monday, January 25th, 2021

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