Newest Member: zurichtime

Tanner

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R BH 54 WW 47 M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

Email Help

I thought I would run this by the smartest group of people I know. I have an IPhone and 2 business email accounts. I have it clear the server after 7 days but the emails stay on my phone indefinitely. I now see that my oldest email is mid August. This is problem, I need some of the older emails as they are part of projects I’m working on.

I don’t really need to go back and recover them, but what setting have I hit that is automatically removing them from my phone? TIA

3 comments posted: Thursday, September 16th, 2021

2 Years From Dday

Today is 2 years from Dday, things are going well, triggers and mind movies are definitely decreasing. My anger is almost gone, I still have moments. 2 years ago we had a couple months of false R with TT but when she cleared the fog she has been solid for 21 months, not perfect, but a solid remorseful W working hard on herself.

A few days ago a Facebook (2 year) memory came up and it was a picture of my WW and I out on a date. Knowing the timeline, it was after she had spent time at APs house having sex that day. We have our arms around each other with smiles on our faces.

I looked at the guy smiling in the picture and felt so upset with him, I called that guy many names, pathetic, joke, head up his ass, etc. I didn’t like the guy in the picture. I was pissed at him.

He’s not the same guy I see in the mirror, I gave up the shame and self blame when I reclaimed my self esteem about a year ago. I’m so proud of the man in the mirror. He’s confident, doesn’t take any shit, doesn’t have her on a pedestal, he’s in better shape, and has an awesome beard. 😀

So I’ve thought about this for a few days, I asked myself, is this how I feel about other BSs? Would I call those names to others in his shoes? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Its not his fault. That guy in the picture was scammed, lied to, conned. betrayed. He believed, and had faith in the WW in the picture.

On this journey triggers are coming my way, I am at the point where working on processing, and learning from them. I can look at that guy in the picture and know, he has made it sooo far, he’s going to be great no matter what. He’s not plan B (she is free to leave anytime). He’s not letting infidelity take one more thing from him.

I am not healed, but taking control of these triggers has been a huge step. Instead of an anger response I want to learn from them, analyze, over think, and maybe start retraining my lizard brain.

Here’s to 2 years from the worst thing to ever happen in my life. Thank you members of SI, WS and BS. I wish none of us were here but so thankful we had a place to go. Best Wishes everyone.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

11 comments posted: Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

I survived a 2 year antiversary

I survived a big 2 year antiversary. Dday (denial day) 6/30/19. This was when I caught her in a lie for the first time. She explained it away and I bought it. This was the day she met a stranger in a bar and went home with him. I caught her day 1, by accident, I wasn’t even suspicious. From there she began a 2 month EA/PA with him.

I have had anxiety leading up to the day and the night before I had a trigger that knocked me down, but overall it was just another day. My W has been willing to help me however I need her. She sent me a really nice, encouraging message that day and then made me a steak dinner that night.

It really makes a difference to have a remorseful fWS willing to do the work, not perfect, we have bumps in the road, but she has made this journey to R worth it.

The nice message and the steak dinner help to make that date something positive in our M. I told her next year we are going to that bar so I can show her what it’s like to leave with a real man.

14 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Chasing Happiness

The year or two leading up to my WW’s A’s we chased happiness. We needed nice trips, a new car, let’s buy a new house, furniture, etc. This was due mostly to her constant discontent, and me trying to please her. None of these things brought us happiness and eventually she turned her unhappiness on me and had multiple EA’s and a PA.

After we started R my W became very content, she seems happy with where we are for the first time in years. We aren’t chasing things anymore. We enjoy simple things and little victories.

We have couple friends that I see this pattern playing out. They are chasing great trips, new house, new cars, they look so happy on social media. Recently the W of the couple confided to my W that they might not make it. They are miserable and the marriage feels dead.

My question is did you notice this chasing happiness especially from the WS, before the A? Is it a characteristic of the beginning of the slippery slope?

Thoughts?

WS input also welcomed.

22 comments posted: Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

Those triggers that set you way back

I’ve really been trying to encourage those that are in R and stay positive but as we all know it’s a journey filled with ups and downs.

I’m at the bottom of the hill right now. My W and I binge watched a series over the weekend. A lady in it reminded me of my W. It was entertaining because of the similarities with her, then a make-out scene came on, I closed my eyes and couldn’t watch, I fell asleep soon after. I had a nightmare/dream that brought on another Dday feeling. I woke up in a panic and haven’t felt the same since. I have actually done well with triggers but this looked like AP with WW right there on the screen.

I shared my trigger with her and she apologized but she has been walking on eggshells since. I haven’t been a jerk or anything, just quiet and to myself. This brings on the thoughts of why did I stay? Why did I agree to R? I know this is temporary and will pass but it sure sucks.

On a positive I took all the emotional energy and cleaned out drawers, closet, and storage areas. Those accomplishments made me feel better at the end of the day.

Two steps forward, one step back

13 comments posted: Thursday, March 18th, 2021

18 months from Dday 30 year anniversary tomorrow

Today is 18 months since Dday. I want to say a big thank you to everyone here, you are making a difference. We are currently working towards R. I would say we are in a good place right now, but not there yet. There are some mile markers along this journey. I would like to share.

The first was breaking through the fog, my WW ended her PA on Dday, but continued to believe all lies and justifications she had told herself to make what she doing “ok”. This involves, TT, blame shifting, minimizing, and gas lighting . This was a very difficult part because this where I believe most of the damage is done, the aftermath. At 2 months I found SI and discovered I was not in R, not even close. I studied and implemented the 180 and it saved me. I put myself first started taking care of my health. I “grew a pair” and basically told her she was free to go, I was going to a lawyer preparing for S and probably D. We spent a month of hell, like an exorcism removing all the shit out of our lives. This is where the fog broke. She was showing true remorse but too little too late and I wasn’t buying it anyway.

The second mile marker was offing R for a second time. She begged and told me she would do anything. I got the written timeline and it matched up with what I had, and then some. The main thing was my gut was good. I had known her 30 years and she was a terrible liar. I knew when I had the truth, her eyes came back, corny yes, but I hadn’t seen those eyes in over a year.

The third mile marker was the anger stage 6-12 months. I think my fog and shock was lifting and I was like WTF just happened? I was very angry with myself for putting up with it, what a pathetic loser I was. I have never been verbally abusive but boy did I say some things that were out of character for me. She walked on eggshells and would panic if she burnt dinner. Most of my anger was with myself. It was also during this phase that I got my self esteem back. I don’t need to compete with her AP. I’m a better man because I would never touch a married woman, I had integrity, I have always protected my M. I am more than enough for my WW and if she ever stops believing that, it’s her loss. She can find richer, she can find better looking, but she will never find a better man for her.

The fourth mile marker came in late June at the first of the antiversaries also when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. He came home on hospice, my W was absolutely a blessing to my parents, she was selfless, going over to their house cleaning, scrubbing, running errands, tending to my Dad. Helping administer medication. You name it she was there, and it all lined up with the PA timeline a year before. The antiversaries landed with a whimper, I had more anxiety leading up to them than the days themselves.

The fifth mile marker is where I am today. Personal growth. After my Dad passed I had a whole new view of my W. The anger served a necessary purpose but was now a burden. Someone posted in R about anger, I did not make any comment in that thread but it changed the course of our R journey, it was time to let go of the anger, my W actually told me soon after that, “thank you for being patient with me and not throwing me away”. She was thanking me for being patient in the false R, I didn’t know any better back then because I hadn’t found SI. My anger was that I put up with false R. All that to say it meant more to me than 1000 apologies, I was ready to let go of the anger. I’m now in the dropping baggage phase. I can be upset about a thousand different things but what is at the core? It’s that she took something so precious to me and threw it away. We will never get it back. She betrayed me!!! That’s it. I’m focused on healing that and the thousand other things that go along with it will fall away.

When we wake up tomorrow it will be our 30th wedding anniversary. You know what? I’m proud of it. I kept my vows. My W doesn’t fully understand what I’ve been through because she has never been a BS and I’m damn proud of that. I have a great friend here that said reclaim that anniversary. I won’t let infidelity take one more thing from me. We will be celebrating!!!

Thanks everyone.

9 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

F-ing Tom Brady

Sorry I’m a very frustrated Cowboys fan, congratulations Tom you are definitely the GOAT!!!

15 comments posted: Sunday, February 7th, 2021

A new outlook on R

Seeing my W go through the trauma of her Mom’s suicide has me really rethinking what I’m doing in R.

Some of us BS’s wish our WS could get a feel for what we are going through with the betrayal trauma. Seeing my W suffer sucks, because I know what she is feeling, no it’s not the same as a tragic death, but our bodies and minds react the same.

My W can’t sleep, no appetite, closes her eyes and has haunting images, it’s on her mind all day, says “how could she do this?” “If I was a better daughter she wouldn’t have done this”. “If she would have talked to me first, it wouldn’t have happened”. I have been helping her work through these feelings and I have told her that I know how it feels because it is very similar to the trauma a BS experiences.

When I started the R journey, my W had fulfilled all the requirements, I promised myself we would deal with the A and not rug sweep it. Late last week I had a bit of an oh shit moment, I haven’t thought about the A in a week!!! I had put the A on the back burner, and didn’t realize it. TBH it felt really good. But wait, if I do that am I rug sweeping?

In a panic I ran to a dear friend, that is years ahead of me in R, and asked what do I do? The A is on the back burner? The response, “leave it there and light that shit on fire!!!”

No way! that is rug sweeping right? No, I didn’t rug sweep it, I have analyzed the A forward and backwards, I have asked every question multiple times multiple ways. I have lived in this mess for a year and half and I’ve choked down that shit sandwich. My gut is good I have all the info I need.

So here was Tanner’s R journey plan. I carry this shit in my lap for the 2-5 years and one day poof, I’m healed!!!

Does carrying this shit keep my W from ever doing it again? Of course not, it only hurts me. If it’s a journey shouldn’t I dispose of it as I process and “accept” it? Start to deal with the triggers and begin to not let them control me. Won’t I be better prepared in that 2-5 year place if I stop dragging it with me? Am I picking a healing wound just to watch it bleed?

Health and fitness is also a journey. If it takes 9 months to hit your goal weight and you sit and eat cake and McDonald’s for that time, at 9

months you won’t go poof goal weight. It takes hard work. Same with R, we need goals along the way to make sure we are progressing.

Could this be why a BS comes back years later and they are not any better off? I know this also depends on the effort of the WS but in my case I have no excuse, my W is working hard at R.

I realize I’m still on the roller coaster, but it’s time to pack some shit away. Could my W do it again? Sure, I’m much more prepared if she does, but I know her and I will spot it immediately, and next time I will believe my gut and not dismiss it.

Best Wishes to everyone here.

7 comments posted: Monday, January 25th, 2021

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