Newest Member: Goku06

Tanner

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

Recruiting Websites

A couple months ago my Son left his job of 10 years. He was a part-time forklift operator for them in college. After college he stayed and worked his way up 3 levels in management, he was doing very well. He came to me burned out and said he needed a change, I encouraged him to do what’s best for him, he found a great company through Indeed dot com, lower position, almost the same pay. Way less stress, and a great work culture. This company is a smaller privately held company and his position is in shipping / receiving. There is very little room for growth at the company.

When some of his friends or former colleagues in the freight industry found out he left, they started trying to recruit him. He misses the business but not his former company. Over the weekend he submitted his resume to a company through Indeed, Monday he got called in to HR to quiz him on why he’s looking for a job. They told him they have is resume flagged. He told them how much he appreciates the opportunity but he is weighing his options.

Bottom line, Indeed somehow informed his employer that he submitted a resume, this seems like such a violation, somewhere in the fine print they are allowed to do this? Thank God I’ve owned my business over 20 years. Here’s my question, WTH?

6 comments posted: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

How to Dispute This Charge

We went to a concert last night, it was an outdoor venue and the concessions were run by Live Nation. There was a beer vendor walking around selling beers. I got 2 for $35, ridiculous, I know. He ran my card and said ok, then said wait it’s declined. Then he’s messing with the hand held computer and said, its locked up you have to use another card but my computer isn’t working. He called his buddy over selling the same way and said take care of them for me. I used another card and had no trouble.

Today I discovered the first charge went through, this guy had me use another card and another vendor to avoid the appearance of a double charge. I was scammed and I’m pissed.

I want to dispute the charge but it’s my word against his, if I dispute both charges it should tie them together and show that I was charged again 1 minute later but a different card.

My question is, should I dispute both and eventually agree to one of the charges? Or only dispute the fraudulent charge?

10 comments posted: Sunday, June 26th, 2022

Happy Father’s Day to Those in R

Happy Father’s Day to those that chose to try R for your kids. I think for any of us (Mothers and Fathers) that was the major motivation for R.

Dday 2, I was done with my WW. It was a Saturday and on Monday I was finding a lawyer. I did not speak to her that weekend other than to set up IHS and prepare for D. I can say without a doubt, if we didn’t have kids, we would be divorced today.

Thankfully that motivation to protect my family from an attack within, was a wake up call to my WW. She was now outside looking in. Eventually she was offered another chance at R, and has really been solid. I’m happy in our M, it’s a much better relationship than before. It’s not without difficult times and tough communication, but I’m glad we had the kids to give us the pause we needed.

((Group Hug))

11 comments posted: Sunday, June 19th, 2022

I Had a Health Scare today

I had a health scare today. First of all I have been a very healthy person all my life. When I left the hospital with my Mom 55 years ago I never went back. No hospital, surgeries, no broken bones, and I still have all my wisdom teeth. I’m on no medication and am at my goal weight.

I love bees, I part time work with bees, doing removals and swarm capturing, I have always wanted to start beekeeping for myself. I have been doing this for over 20 years.

Bee hives have a feel, an energy they put off, you can sense the mood when you approach. I know when it’s time to wear a bee suit, and when it’s time to take it off. I have never been attacked, but usually walk away with a couple stings, I’ve never had more than 3 on any one occasion.

Today I set up the equipment I go up the ladder to get a look and feel for them and immediately get stung in the forehead, not a big deal they were just telling me where I stand with them. I go and lite the smoker and suit up. I go back up and they aren’t really paying attention to me, they are feeling calm but I started itching all over, I’m feeling funny so I load up the equipment take off the hot ass suit in the Texas 101 heat and my face is going numb and my tongue is swelling. I decided to take Benadryl and head towards an ER. I’m still not convinced that is serious because I’ve taken many stings, but i live in a rural area so I drove to the last ER before the 20 mile trip home. I sat In a parking lot next door thinking this will blow over and I’ll head home.

Warning TMI. So here I am in a neighboring parking lot sitting in my truck and it’s only getting worse, my crotch is on fire, l discreetly drop my pants to investigate and my junk is so swollen it’s unrecognizable, now I’m scared, that’s it, I’m going to ER. As I make my way to the next parking lot everything outside is extremely bright, like the sunglasses that looks like everything is bright yellowish. There are large white spots, I can’t see I’m blinded. My chest is tight and I can’t swallow, my tongue is huge.

I parked (straight) and stumbled in the door. The Dr and 2 nurses came with a wheelchair and got me in a room. I can hear them but can’t see them. The Dr is calling all kinds of orders they put an IV started blood pressure and pulse ox readings. Then I hear him call for an injection. In about 5 minutes I’m feeling well enough to sit up, and talk to them. My BP was 68 / 30 heart rate very low and o2 was 92%.

They told me if I had delayed getting in there by just minutes someone would have found my body in the truck. My airway was closing and I would have been unconscious from the low heart rate.

They kept me for several hours for observation to make sure things kept improving and they did, but my W has no idea what I’m doing I waited till I was stable to message her, she would freak out if I had told her as it happened, she took it well because I was doing well at that point but the Benadryl was kicking in so I rested it was the best nap in the most uncomfortable bed ever.

I was able to drive home ok, I’m so sore, and swollen in the face, but my junk has recovered 😀 Told my W, heart and lungs, meh. But when the junk isn’t right "Call 911!!!’"🤣

I’m concerned that one sting was this bad, I hate that everyone is telling me to hang up the bee suit forever. I love the bees and I wasn’t even bumped (a bees warning) it was one guy, a fluke, the rest left me alone. The suits aren’t fool proof I still get stung with it on. I’m also concerned how fast symptoms hit and how I kept convincing my self i didn’t need help. Never again!!

So if you have read this far I’m not very educated on how the immune system works . In the past the localized area of the sting would be warm, like a fever at the sting site. Not today my body went into full attack mode, is this a change in my body because I’m older now, the new norm? I don’t know but this was a first for me, never needed a hospital before, but this was a close call.

There is unfinished business at the Tanner house, kids to raise, grandkids to spoil, dogs to reunite, and hopefully bees to re-home again.

Thanks for reading. I needed to write all this.

37 comments posted: Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Missing Dog (found)

We were sitting outside and a guy walked by and asked if we had seen a Yorkie, he is missing. I said no but we will keep an eye out for him. He said ok if you see him is name is Tanner. Wait what? We gotta find Tanner, I jumped on the community page and made a post and went looking. I didn’t actually find him but someone in the group did.

This is not to toot my own horn, but I’ll be damned if there is a lost dog named Tanner on my watch 😀

10 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022

Recent Trigger

I want to share a trigger I had recently. I was cleaning out a drawer and found an anniversary card from March 2018. It said how blessed she was to have me and that I was an amazing H and Father. She looks forward to growing old with me. Three months later she was in a long distance EA and started a scorched earth infidelity spree.

I got that tight chest feeling and set the card aside and kept going through stuff. She came in and saw the card and said "what is that?" I said "it’s a trigger I’m working through". She asked if she could see the card and I said "sure but it’s full of bullshit" and I stomped off, really just needed some space to process.

She told me those words are true and she meant them, but those are also the same words she says today. It’s hard to differentiate. She either didn’t mean those words or those words are only good at that moment.

The trigger has passed and I’m fine, but it taught me some things.

I will always believe her actions over her words. Love and ILY’s will not prevent infidelity.

I will always have to stay vigilant in my M because it can turn very quickly. Although I don’t expect anything to happen today, I will never believe it won’t happen again.

In a trigger I will ask for some space. They can hit out of nowhere and very unexpectedly.

I won’t let triggers cripple me, I will pay attention to what they might be teaching me.

I’m entering A season and this trigger was a wake up call.

16 comments posted: Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

Horse Questions

I watched the Kentucky Derby yesterday and was really amazed at how beautiful and powerful horses are. I’ve never been around horses until the last year or so, I’ve gotten to know the 2 in the pasture next to us. I’m able to call them to the fence and pet them.

My questions are, do you think the horses know they are racing? Do they know when they win? Are the horses pampered or abused? I don’t want to start a debate but curious how they are treated.

Here’s what I do know, the winner was a long shot paying 80-1. Sure wish I had put a couple grand on it.

9 comments posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Full Moon

I have a question about how a full moon affects people. We have 13 year old twin boys with Autism. One is high functioning and the other is severe and non verbal. Our more severe Son is about a 3 year old cognitive level and has behavioral issues.

Yesterday evening he was off the charts in behavior, we literally had to just stand by him and follow him around the house and out in the yard he will just take off running out the door. His attention span on a toy or task was about 15 - 30 seconds. This morning I took him to school and it took 5 people to get him from my car. He was throwing anything he could get his hands on and was hitting anyone that came near him.

He is such a sweet kid, loves people and is very social, he’s a hugger, but today and yesterday were off!!!

My W has always said the behavioral flares are around the full moon, I’m not so sure but wonder what y’all think about it.

11 comments posted: Thursday, March 17th, 2022

Our Wedding Anniversary

Today is 2.5 years from Dday, tomorrow is our 31 year wedding anniversary.

I gave an update recently so I won’t repeat it, but things are going well, I’m about 70% healed, and things feel "normal" again.

My W has done everything I’ve asked, and is the lady I couldn’t wait to marry 31 years ago. I’ve read it here many times "now you know who they really are". I don’t agree, I didn’t recognize that person, my W doesn’t recognize her either. She couldn’t hide "who she really was" for 30 years. What she did was show me what she is capable of, and I will always have to remember that. But for today, I’m happy with the person she "really" is.

As for our anniversary we are celebrating, I’m proud of our M, I’ve been a great, faithful H for 31 years. We have 2 adult kids that are successful, our grandchildren are a true blessing. We were able to adopt twins at birth 13 years ago, we have a successful (essential) business, and we live below our means.

What’s not to celebrate!!!

8 comments posted: Monday, March 7th, 2022

Update on R

I want to give an update because my last one was whiney and felt like a step back. After getting to the bottom of my feelings, from a couple months ago, I’ve determined I was in the POLF. I don’t know how I missed it, but it took 2 years to find it and understand it. In that state I felt nothing, I referred to my W as a live in girlfriend I wasn’t ready to propose to. Also during that time I was watching her very close and nit picking everything. Every day stresses, that all couples experience, I was blaming on her, selfishness, I had her walking on eggshells and if she defended herself, well then she’s just still defensive. Honestly things were good but I had to find something.

I’m nearing 2.5 years from Dday and am in the middle of the healing sweet spot. My W has been solid (not perfect) since 12/2019.

In the POLF, it was time to let some walls down and drop off some more baggage along the journey.

You cannot carry all of this for the 2-5 years it takes to heal, you have to lighten the load, not rug sweep, but deal with things and then discard them. I had a tendency to hold on to some of it because letting go meant giving in, or was I addicted to the pain? Processing and letting go actually helps the healing, holding on keeps you in the muck.

I have read here everyday since Dday. At first I couldn’t get enough, I would read every thread 3 pages deep, it was an obsession. I believe another sign of healing is that there are days I read here and I can’t comprehend what I’m reading, it doesn’t compute or make sense. I think, "I just can’t today" and I end up in off topic or playing the music game. This phase comes and goes for me, but I’m thankful for a place here to relax and engage in some shenanigans.

I want to thank the Vets and those running parallel with me for all the help and inspiration, I won’t mention any names because I don’t want to leave anyone out.

Things are going well right now, we have some major decisions coming up with our business and our future. I’m comfortable saying we are making these life decisions together and we are preparing to eventually retire and ride off into the sunset.

Thanks SI.

13 comments posted: Saturday, February 19th, 2022

Paying Respect

I feel a need to pay proper respect to Chili for your willingness to fall on the sword for the rest of us.

Killing a thread is already a shot to our self esteem, but killing a "thread killing thread" well that would be next level devastation.

We all knew this risk of getting involved but we went anyway. It takes a special leader, a martyr, to actually draw the sword of Sisoon and protect the rest of us.

Your bravery is unmatched and you are forever, heretofore, and henceforth crowned the ultimate thread-killer.

Bows to the throne,

Respectfully

Tanner

5 comments posted: Sunday, February 13th, 2022

I Have a Secret to Keep

Our Daughter is expecting her 3rd!!!! I’m really excited about this because her first two were from her first M, and it was a very stressful time, in a M she needed out of. We love the grandkids dearly, but couldn’t enjoy the pregnancy journey and birth because of the drama.

Her second H is perfect for her, I couldn’t have picked better for her myself. He stepped in 5 years ago and became a great Daddy to the girls. He has always been content to not have bio kids, and just raise the girls as his own.

We will be able to rejoice and celebrate this as a family, this time.

I swore to not tell anybody, but y’all aren’t just "anybody" y’all are my SI family. laugh

20 comments posted: Saturday, February 12th, 2022

Crazy SI Dream

I had a dream last night that my W and I walked into a hotel ballroom we were dressed very nice, it was full of people. I looked down and had a name tag on that said "Tanner" then I saw a sign that said "SI Annual Conference". I wish it said "welcome to the conference no one wanted to be at". But I would be embellishing. laugh

My W hesitated at the door and when I realized what it was, a calm peace came over me, I said "we are safe here, these are my people". I remember walking past people and seeing so many familiar user names. That’s about all I remember other than everyone was beautiful, we all looked better than super models.

If this is a thing, sign me up, a meeting where we don’t have to reveal our identities but can meet IRL it was awesome!!!

11 comments posted: Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

Badass Habits Jen Sincero

My first visit to The Book Club. Have any of you read any of the Bad Ass books? Jen Sincero is the author of the series. I started with Bad Ass Habits, I’m hooked!! It’s a real attitude shift, I did this organically during my healing process, but to read it is very encouraging. So far it’s a great book.

0 comment posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

R I P John Madden now Betty White

Such bad news, first John Madden now Betty White. Two American treasures.

11 comments posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

Survivor 41

Any other Survivor fans here? This season is a lot different than others. I have to say I think there are too many twists and advantages, I enjoy the social and strategic aspect of the game, and when you throw too many curve balls into it, it’s hard to follow.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, December 8th, 2021

2 Year Dday 2 antiversary

Today is 2 years from Dday 2. This is a bit of a vent but I welcome input from WS in R also.

I went today and spent some time for myself. I got a haircut and got my sweet beard manicured and I feel awesome. My confidence is off the charts, today.

I’m at the end of false R season. I don’t remember it last year but this year is definitely triggery. False R is where, for me, the most damage was done. In false R I had a front row seat to just how cruel my WW could be. When I agreed to R on Dday, she pulled the knife out of back, then immediately plunged it into my heart, with 2 months of TT, manipulation and la la land. No further contact with AP but confided in her friend that she missed him. She also was telling her she was going to play nice until she could leave the M.

Since we started R for the second time in Dec 2019 she has been solid. Very supportive and remorseful. But, in the past couple of months I feel old habits and behaviors creeping back in. She is showing some selfishness, disrespect, depression and clamming up instead of communicating. My gut is good she isn’t up to anything, but this is the pattern that lead to the top of the slippery slope.

I have brought my concerns up to her as well as the triggers I’ve had this time of year and have been met with defensiveness. She has suggested I should be healed by now, but “SI just keeps me triggered”.

My healing is progressing just fine, I know that’s on me, my triggers are manageable. I don’t expect her to heal me, but don’t sabotage it either. It feels like our R has either plateaued or hit a wall for now. We enjoy our time together and we make a great team with our boys(special needs), but I feel like I have a live in girlfriend that I’m not ready propose to yet. I don’t feel stuck or in limbo, for now, but is this as good as it gets? Is it a phase of R fatigue? Not sure where we are honestly.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Email Help

I thought I would run this by the smartest group of people I know. I have an IPhone and 2 business email accounts. I have it clear the server after 7 days but the emails stay on my phone indefinitely. I now see that my oldest email is mid August. This is problem, I need some of the older emails as they are part of projects I’m working on.

I don’t really need to go back and recover them, but what setting have I hit that is automatically removing them from my phone? TIA

3 comments posted: Thursday, September 16th, 2021

2 Years From Dday

Today is 2 years from Dday, things are going well, triggers and mind movies are definitely decreasing. My anger is almost gone, I still have moments. 2 years ago we had a couple months of false R with TT but when she cleared the fog she has been solid for 21 months, not perfect, but a solid remorseful W working hard on herself.

A few days ago a Facebook (2 year) memory came up and it was a picture of my WW and I out on a date. Knowing the timeline, it was after she had spent time at APs house having sex that day. We have our arms around each other with smiles on our faces.

I looked at the guy smiling in the picture and felt so upset with him, I called that guy many names, pathetic, joke, head up his ass, etc. I didn’t like the guy in the picture. I was pissed at him.

He’s not the same guy I see in the mirror, I gave up the shame and self blame when I reclaimed my self esteem about a year ago. I’m so proud of the man in the mirror. He’s confident, doesn’t take any shit, doesn’t have her on a pedestal, he’s in better shape, and has an awesome beard. 😀

So I’ve thought about this for a few days, I asked myself, is this how I feel about other BSs? Would I call those names to others in his shoes? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Its not his fault. That guy in the picture was scammed, lied to, conned. betrayed. He believed, and had faith in the WW in the picture.

On this journey triggers are coming my way, I am at the point where working on processing, and learning from them. I can look at that guy in the picture and know, he has made it sooo far, he’s going to be great no matter what. He’s not plan B (she is free to leave anytime). He’s not letting infidelity take one more thing from him.

I am not healed, but taking control of these triggers has been a huge step. Instead of an anger response I want to learn from them, analyze, over think, and maybe start retraining my lizard brain.

Here’s to 2 years from the worst thing to ever happen in my life. Thank you members of SI, WS and BS. I wish none of us were here but so thankful we had a place to go. Best Wishes everyone.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:40 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

11 comments posted: Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

I survived a 2 year antiversary

I survived a big 2 year antiversary. Dday (denial day) 6/30/19. This was when I caught her in a lie for the first time. She explained it away and I bought it. This was the day she met a stranger in a bar and went home with him. I caught her day 1, by accident, I wasn’t even suspicious. From there she began a 2 month EA/PA with him.

I have had anxiety leading up to the day and the night before I had a trigger that knocked me down, but overall it was just another day. My W has been willing to help me however I need her. She sent me a really nice, encouraging message that day and then made me a steak dinner that night.

It really makes a difference to have a remorseful fWS willing to do the work, not perfect, we have bumps in the road, but she has made this journey to R worth it.

The nice message and the steak dinner help to make that date something positive in our M. I told her next year we are going to that bar so I can show her what it’s like to leave with a real man.

14 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Those triggers that set you way back

I’ve really been trying to encourage those that are in R and stay positive but as we all know it’s a journey filled with ups and downs.

I’m at the bottom of the hill right now. My W and I binge watched a series over the weekend. A lady in it reminded me of my W. It was entertaining because of the similarities with her, then a make-out scene came on, I closed my eyes and couldn’t watch, I fell asleep soon after. I had a nightmare/dream that brought on another Dday feeling. I woke up in a panic and haven’t felt the same since. I have actually done well with triggers but this looked like AP with WW right there on the screen.

I shared my trigger with her and she apologized but she has been walking on eggshells since. I haven’t been a jerk or anything, just quiet and to myself. This brings on the thoughts of why did I stay? Why did I agree to R? I know this is temporary and will pass but it sure sucks.

On a positive I took all the emotional energy and cleaned out drawers, closet, and storage areas. Those accomplishments made me feel better at the end of the day.

Two steps forward, one step back

13 comments posted: Thursday, March 18th, 2021

18 months from Dday 30 year anniversary tomorrow

Today is 18 months since Dday. I want to say a big thank you to everyone here, you are making a difference. We are currently working towards R. I would say we are in a good place right now, but not there yet. There are some mile markers along this journey. I would like to share.

The first was breaking through the fog, my WW ended her PA on Dday, but continued to believe all lies and justifications she had told herself to make what she doing “ok”. This involves, TT, blame shifting, minimizing, and gas lighting . This was a very difficult part because this where I believe most of the damage is done, the aftermath. At 2 months I found SI and discovered I was not in R, not even close. I studied and implemented the 180 and it saved me. I put myself first started taking care of my health. I “grew a pair” and basically told her she was free to go, I was going to a lawyer preparing for S and probably D. We spent a month of hell, like an exorcism removing all the shit out of our lives. This is where the fog broke. She was showing true remorse but too little too late and I wasn’t buying it anyway.

The second mile marker was offing R for a second time. She begged and told me she would do anything. I got the written timeline and it matched up with what I had, and then some. The main thing was my gut was good. I had known her 30 years and she was a terrible liar. I knew when I had the truth, her eyes came back, corny yes, but I hadn’t seen those eyes in over a year.

The third mile marker was the anger stage 6-12 months. I think my fog and shock was lifting and I was like WTF just happened? I was very angry with myself for putting up with it, what a pathetic loser I was. I have never been verbally abusive but boy did I say some things that were out of character for me. She walked on eggshells and would panic if she burnt dinner. Most of my anger was with myself. It was also during this phase that I got my self esteem back. I don’t need to compete with her AP. I’m a better man because I would never touch a married woman, I had integrity, I have always protected my M. I am more than enough for my WW and if she ever stops believing that, it’s her loss. She can find richer, she can find better looking, but she will never find a better man for her.

The fourth mile marker came in late June at the first of the antiversaries also when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. He came home on hospice, my W was absolutely a blessing to my parents, she was selfless, going over to their house cleaning, scrubbing, running errands, tending to my Dad. Helping administer medication. You name it she was there, and it all lined up with the PA timeline a year before. The antiversaries landed with a whimper, I had more anxiety leading up to them than the days themselves.

The fifth mile marker is where I am today. Personal growth. After my Dad passed I had a whole new view of my W. The anger served a necessary purpose but was now a burden. Someone posted in R about anger, I did not make any comment in that thread but it changed the course of our R journey, it was time to let go of the anger, my W actually told me soon after that, “thank you for being patient with me and not throwing me away”. She was thanking me for being patient in the false R, I didn’t know any better back then because I hadn’t found SI. My anger was that I put up with false R. All that to say it meant more to me than 1000 apologies, I was ready to let go of the anger. I’m now in the dropping baggage phase. I can be upset about a thousand different things but what is at the core? It’s that she took something so precious to me and threw it away. We will never get it back. She betrayed me!!! That’s it. I’m focused on healing that and the thousand other things that go along with it will fall away.

When we wake up tomorrow it will be our 30th wedding anniversary. You know what? I’m proud of it. I kept my vows. My W doesn’t fully understand what I’ve been through because she has never been a BS and I’m damn proud of that. I have a great friend here that said reclaim that anniversary. I won’t let infidelity take one more thing from me. We will be celebrating!!!

Thanks everyone.

9 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

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