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Again, Exactly how Stupid Am I

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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 8:03 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

My WH and I were invited to go out with friends tonight--fall fair thing--but I've been dealing with my lab bleeding with digestive issues and didn't want to leave her alone.

So, he went and had a good time. Texted me a bit, I was tired so said I was going to bed about 11:00pm or so. Kind of tossed and turned and then my big dog (not the lab) had to go out. So I grabbed my phone to light my way downstairs (1:47am) and let him out and waited.As I waited I skimmed through my phone (emails, messages, messenger) and noticed my WH has a Facebook messenger red dot. Yes, I can access his account and he had blocked his LTAP on Facebook and his phone after his "slip" in the beginning of July. (Turns out it was less a slip than bad timing to get caught).

I opened his messenger.

Did you know that someone can message on messenger with someone on their instagram account? I did not know. And there she was: "Good Nite heart emoji), 3 minutes before I opened his account. So he got home right then, a bit drunk, and staggered into the spare room to sleep but not before informing her that he was home safe, and in bed. Then messaged again to let her know he was in the spare room, not in my bed. I guess that was important to convey.

So, it is 3:02 and I cannot stop shaking and he isn't going to stop no matter what I do, is he?

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 8:05 AM, Sunday, September 18th]

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8755810
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 9:15 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I think you know the answer to your question.

It seems he isn't going to stop and I'm so sorry.

I don't know if he can't or if he just doesn't want to...or a bit of both.

So, you are again at a crossroads.

Do you stay and live with high boundary walls because you know he is not safe or trustworthy and won't be on the future?

Do you leave and take whatever financial and logistics hit that will bring?

Either way, the emotional hit is there. You're already feeling it.

What can you live with? What will make you happiest in the long run?

I'm so very sorry he won't quit maintaining girlfriends. "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." You can't stop his cycle.

You can choose whatever is better for you.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 9:16 AM, Sunday, September 18th]

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 215   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8755811
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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 9:21 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

It is always that same ex-girlfriend. My anniversary is in a month, 25 years. and as far as I've gathered in 2018 when the shit really hit the fan, this whole thing has been going on pretty much the whole time.

How does he look me in the face every day and make plans and tell me he loves me? I just don't get it. Why doesn't he just be with her if he obviously cannot live without her?

He's not ever going to let her go.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 9:22 AM, Sunday, September 18th]

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8755812
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 9:59 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

You've summed it up perfectly. It's just so messed up.

He doesn't want to let her go. It's ongoing and continuous with the exGF/AP.

Yet, he still "shows up" for you as a husband...but that's smoke and mirrors, not authentic.

How can he do it? That's the baffling part for all betrayed spouses. How can they do it????

All we are left with is to finally accept that they did. They can. And what are we going to do for ourselves in response?

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 215   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8755814
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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 10:10 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I need to finally let him go. He obviously does not want me or our marriage.

I have not been perfect. But I have honestly down to my toes and to the detriment of my physical, mental, and emotional health given my all to this man. And it was not what he wanted I guess.

I for some reason thought I could muscle through this. I can't. He doesn't want to stop, I can't stop him.

So, I guess that is pretty much it, isn't it?

I had that moment about 1 hour ago at 4:00am when I was going to block her on everything again, but why bother?

I also had that moment imagining that he will obviously be sleeping for quite a while and she will undoubtedly text him before he is awake. I imagined me texting her back with a screen shot of him texting me that "I love you sweetheart" on one message while texting her that he he home safe at the same time. But honestly, again, what is the point? I have been married to this man for 25 years and the idea of trying to prove to his AP that he values me TOO is so fucking sad. And you know what, he doesn't. So there is that.

I am just so sad and need to get my shit together to work. Finding it hard to concentrate currently.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 10:15 AM, Sunday, September 18th]

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8755815
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VezfromTaz ( new member #80815) posted at 11:01 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

The more I read these stories the more horrified I am people can be so cruel. I dont know what to say other than sorry. I hope you have people in your life who love and cherish you and can support you to get away from this person.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8755816
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:46 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Oh sweetie, I am so, so sorry. This is awful and no one should have to deal with this.

Your husband is cruel and doesn’t deserve you.

Take care of yourself. You’re not stupid; you’ve just been handed a really raw deal.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8755821
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Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 12:49 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

The more I read these stories the more horrified I am people can be so cruel. I dont know what to say other than sorry.

That's the most awful part of so many of these stories I read. The utter heartlessness and cruelty of cheaters. I know from my own experience how my WW, who I thought was a good person, horribly betrayed me, lied to me hundreds of times and ultimately discarded me in the most horrible way could turn into such a terrible person.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. This doesn't sound like it will ever stop, and you are in basically a living hell with someone who will never be honest with you and doesn't love you. That part hurts so much. Knowing you gave everything you could, much like I felt I did, and they still do what they do.

I hope you find a path forward from here.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8755822
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:16 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I’m so sorry. Unfortunately only you can get yourself out of this abuse by talking to a lawyer this week. It’s impossibly difficult to do, I know. But this wont ever change from him.

If it were me I’d probably send a message to her on that thread of theirs (as him) and say "this is northern… you’ve both convinced me, you deserve each other as the dysfunctional pair you are. I’m done be a part of this triangle. Enjoy your lives as I’ll enjoy mine without the both of you "

I am sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:17 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3454   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8755823
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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 1:23 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

You are all right.

This morning right when he woke up (I have been up all night now and he is alone upstairs), he messaged her immediately.

This is obviously a daily ritual/pattern I was completely oblivious to until today. The first person he wants to talk to in his day is her.

He never stopped and is never going to stop.

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8755824
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GretaOto ( new member #80904) posted at 1:35 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

What has he done or said when you have confronted him in the past? Did he ever make effort to reconcile?

This is awful and unfair to you. I went through similar things with my ex husband, he didn't care and kept doing what he wanted to do.

I'm sorry you're going through this, no one should.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022
id 8755825
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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 1:42 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

GretaOto: He has never really been sorry. It was of course my fault. I thought he had at least stopped and was starting to trust him again until I caught him in July in a big text fest with her. Promises, promises, blocking, love you, need you, want you. We even bought a trailer together (kind of a cottage situation) and I thought were okay.

Then this again. And the absolutely unavoidable realization that he will never stop and probably just hid it better. He's a liar

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8755826
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:18 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

no matter what I do,

You can't control him. Nothing you do will make him stop.

How does he look me in the face every day and make plans and tell me he loves me?

Because he's a giant ass.

He has never really been sorry. It was of course my fault

He's never been remorseful.

If it were me,I wouldn't bother to confront.180. Treat him like an annoying roomate. If he asks what's wrong,tell him nothing. Don't make yourself vulnerable to him again. He uses that to further abuse you. File. Have him served. Talk to your attorney about getting exclusive use of the marital home so he has to leave. After he's been served, tell her husband. In the meantime,take screenshots of their communication, and then send a copy to her husband.

You are not the stupid one in this. Not even close.

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8755829
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:19 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I have been married to this man for 25 years and the idea of trying to prove to his AP that he values me TOO is so fucking sad. And you know what, he doesn't. So there is that.

Northern, I have noticed this in your posts since you joined here. Why won't you properly value yourself? Why won't you look at it through the lens of your self-worth first and foremost?

Stop asking yourself why he doesn't value you. Ask yourself why you, personally, would accept this behavior? Until then, you will not get yourself out of infidelity.

I'll bet that you are a very good partner. Yes, we all have our flaws, but hopefully, we acknowledge them and try to make positive change. That is what makes us evolve. Stop selling yourself short. HE is the stunted one; he is the one who lacks important values, yet you are trying to base YOUR worth on his value set. First off, it is never a good idea to base yourself off of someone else, and secondly, definitely not off someone who is clearly immoral...at least in some very important aspects of life. The question should NEVER be "Why am I not enough for him?", when it should really be "Why am I tolerating his behavior?".

Once you properly start to value yourself, the other pieces will start to fall into place. If you believe I am wrong, ask any other poster on this site--YOU ARE WORTH WAY MORE THAN YOU WHAT YOU CURRENTLY THINK.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4078   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8755830
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 2:38 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

You sound a bit like I was In that you don’t want "to lose" in that walking away is giving up and letting them win. I’m going to make a bet on something here that I can never prove, but I’m guessing it’s true as the grass is always greener for these people: if the situation were reversed and you were the EX/AP and she was the BS he’d be messaging you first thing…because you wouldn’t be there…the one who isn’t there needs to be reminded more how important they are - the distant one is the one more likely to be lost.

When you think about it that way she is no more special than you. When you look at it that way you realize no one is particularly special to your WS. So, you either decide to stay with him and share him with her or someone else or you leave him (be it divorce, move out, separate, grey rock - whatever - you stop engaging with him with his current behavior) and you control what you can for your own future.

I remember when you joined. I had joined a year earlier and had been reading on here for about a year before I joined. I’m sorry you are still in this JFO type scenario. Something s got to change and as it’s not going to be your WS it’s going to have to be you. You can do it and you’ll be glad you did in the long run.

"Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human." - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1877   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8755833
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 3:05 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I challenge you to do nothing related to HIM. Don't:

Ask

Accuse

Yell

Discuss

Cry

Threaten

Beg

Nothing. Not a word about it to him. Can you do that this time?

Then put all of your time, energy, planning into working on YOU to fix this suffering:

Talk to lawyers. Pick one.

Make copies of accounts, policies, bills

Cancel what you can

Find a place where one of you can be (spare room?) and separate your personal things and your space

Tell your kids and your family what is going on and that you are separating

Follow the lawyer's directives

Step-by-step, detach from him and his problematic behavior. It's not yours to own or correct.

If you cannot do this, then get into IC immediately and work on your Whys. Ask the IC to help you help yourself. Work on finding the strength to get away.

Sigh.

I wish you luck, but in the past you have always put your energy into changing and fixing him because you are too afraid to leave. And so the cycle keeps repeating. He is a mean man who has never been kind or supportive or good to you, all while you wait on him hand and foot and make his life easy. Please take care of yourself this time. You are the one who needs to change, not him. You are the one who needs to change how she is handling this situation. I hope you can one day realize this and stop putting any energy in his direction. He is a lost cause and always has been. For 25 years. He cannot be fixed.

Let go.

If you can't, prioritize IC until you can.

Stop being your own worst enemy. Be your own support system and best friend.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:07 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5630   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8755838
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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 3:22 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I haven't actually said anything to him and don't plan to this time.

I reached out to several past and current clients and am trying to secure a couple contracts that will take me into next year. I need a documented income (even though my freelance income should be enough, but isnt) to get my own mortgage on the house. we just renewed it unfortunately a year ago, so the penalty will be steep to cancel it. I want this house.

I made an appointment with an IC person I really like. He actually tried to do couples counselling with us last year and WH didn't like being called to the mat. I did one session after alone and the IC offered to help me disengage and move beyond this. The appointment is on Wednesday.

I am not doing anything anymore. Just living my life, gathering what I need with respect to money and contracts. I have done the math at least 30 times and I know down to the penny what I need and where I can cut my expenses. I know exactly what the breakdown will be financially and how to leverage the things he wants to keep. My kids will be 100 percent behind me. My sister wants to fly here and do something anatomically incorrect to him.

I just can't anymore. He is never going to stop.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 3:27 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 450   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8755841
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:46 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I’m Sorry for you. You do deserve better.

He’s just selfish. Plain & simple.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8755842
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 4:04 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Stay strong, NorthernMSB. I know from my own enmeshed and difficult relationships that it will get worse before it gets better. You will have to stay strong.

When he finds out what is going on, he will do what he's always done. He'll make promises, threats, play on your heart strings, whatever. And being an empathetic person, it will mess with your head and heart. But you have to emotionally block all he is saying and tell yourself, "These are lies. Always have been," and keep focusing on you. It's very difficult.

I can remember that I cried a lot of tears for my ex years ago. I felt so badly sticking to my guns and leaving him. But that was my own codependency and enmeshment talking, and I had to just cry and cry and feel my feelings but stay strong. My guilt was unwarranted. It was misplaced. It was simply wrong, so I shut it down in my head and stuck to what I had to do. And I finally got out and got happy.

You sound clear and strong and ready. You can do this. You can save yourself and have a happy, peaceful life. Stay strong. We're all with you.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5630   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8755845
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:07 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

I am so sorry he is continuing to emotional abuse you and your marriage. And I am also happy you have reached your limit and are making concrete plans to get out. I know you have to work the finances to get free- that is where you energy should be. And yes, he doesn’t really need to know any of this until you file.

My XWH and I were together for over 25 years. It’s a hard habit to break. But a lot of it IS habit, comfort, familiarity. Kinda like an old pair of slippers. They don’t support your feet anymore, they have holes and don’t keep them warm, they kinda fall off as you try to walk. They really don’t do what slippers are meant to do - but you’ve had them forever and you remember how comfy and cozy they were when you first got them. Time to trade in that pair for something that actually supports you— and that would be you.

My therapist told me for the year that I hung on that I would be ready to leave when I was ready. He was 100% right— there was the point where the pain of staying was more than the pain of leaving. I hope you are there.

Sending support and strength. You can do this.
Get yourself free.

-BB

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4966   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8755846
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