Newest Member: AcesEights


Me=BW WH had online affairs Married 30 yrs now 2 kids, both in HS Dday#1=2/7/20 Dday#2=2/12/20 Dday#3=2/17/20 Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

How to exist in limbo?

So, I'm about 11 months out from Dday 1, when I realized that the marriage I thought I was in was not reality, and just over 1 month out from Dday 4, when WH admitted that the 1st A with a married coworker actually lasted for about 2 1/2 years. Lots of TT and me dragging info from him after spending hours searching what he didn't delete.

He has provided some info that I couldn't directly prove with my own digging:

AP 1 was a sexting relationship with pics & video, not just an EA.

Exchanged videos with AP 3 too (OW #3 admitted he sent her a D pic and also forwarded some of their messages, at my request--but WH also admitted to exchanging multiple pics and videos)

He initiated sexting about as often as the APs did.

The "flavor" of the sexting (he had deleted all of the messages and I asked for examples of what the sexting communication was like).

The much longer length of time 1st A lasted.

A couple of personal contacts AP 1 has attempted since shortly after Dday 2.

A bit more background:

WH is still coworkers with AP 1.

WH broke it off with AP 1 in Dec. of 2019 (and I didn't discover until Feb. of 2020). I discovered proof of the break off myself (which is also how I discovered the affair). He went NC with AP 1 (at least any personal contact) after he broke it off, and this is further confirmed by postings on her own FB page. He felt that his relationship with her was not meeting his emotional needs anymore and was becoming somewhat toxic...thus the online flirtations with single AP 2 that then fizzled...and led to online EA & sexting with single AP 3--which I blew up when I exposed him to her as a married man (not the single man he had led her to believe). I do believe that he is NC with all three of his APs.

One thing he did right from the early days was to own his actions as his fault, his failing.

This next part is to explain the "why" that he has unpacked, NOT to justify his choices to have multiple affairs.

His "why": very negative self image and self confidence since childhood. His lack of confidence and negative self image stems from childhood physical abuse (the extent of which was only revealed to me this past fall, after he disclosed it in his IC and then disclosed to me with much trepidation).

These feelings were intensified about 5 years ago when he was laid off from a job he loved and then switched to a job he found very stressful (the nature of the job requires regular negative interactions with customers and also requires lots of training and experience before a person is very competent in the job). So, a couple of years into the new job, WH stopped talking to me about his negative feelings and started talking more and more to AP 1 who had been a key person in training him for the new job (although a colleague, not a supervisor).

So, here I am in the very uncomfortable limbo.

The last Dday is too fresh and too surprising (DAMN, 2 1/2 YEARS??) for me to begin attempting trust at this point.

Also we were in, apparently, false R prior to Dday 4 in November...since, of course, he had looked me straight in the face and lied that "you know everything" back in August. I'm not even trusting that we are really in R now. He knows this. He also knows that I'm very concerned that, based on the number of Ddays and TT, I'm feeling that there is an anvil of more information to know hanging over my head. He knows that I can't trust new reassurances that I really do know it all now.

Since Dday 4, I've been focusing on his actions. And that's when I initially found his actions lacking. I had been doing WAY too much of the work. We had difficult and productive conversations about this, and it has gotten better.

He has been in IC since Feb of 2020. (We have also been in MC and I have been on IC since then.) He is working in IC on positive self image and on self forgiveness.

WH has conflict avoidance tendencies and difficulty initiating meaningful conversation--particularly if there is a chance that the conversation may spark conflict.

He has been working with his IC and with me to practice initiating difficult conversation more.

We have read Not Just Friends aloud together and discussed along the way.

We did a timeline together...although that timeline is crap because of the revelation in Dday 4.

Since Dday 4, WH has added the following actions (at my request): He initiates nightly check-ins about how I'm feeling about us. He has started reading a book about shame and codependency. He has watched videos about shame and self image.

He is supposed to present me with a new timleine of A #1 that he does by himself within the coming week.

We are WAY better at communicating and not derailing into defensiveness. We are prioritizing time together--both for work on the M and for just enjoying each other.

So...what's my problem?

I'm still holding resentment that I've (at this point) out worked him since Dday 1. I've read WAY more, researched, journaled, initiated conversations, and sleuthed. I regret that I didn't separate or hard 180 initially. I told H last night about these regrets and that it felt like on Dday 1, I woke up to my house on fire, and he'd set the fire. That I had been working my ass off since then to put out the fire because I was in utter desperation. But that he never seemed so desperate. He said that maybe the work we were doing was different and he talked about how much time he'd spent thinking about things. I said that thinking was passive, not active. That I'd, course, been thinking too...but I'd also taken LOTS of action.

He IS doing a lot more productive work in the last month.

My ability to trust is based on this work happening and resulting in positive and lasting changes. I've have communicated this to him clearly.

But the limbo, while this is happening, is so MISERABLE!!!

I want to be in a trusting relationship again...and I think I've come to grips with the fact that it won't ever be the blind trust I once thought I could have. But I am no where close to the beginning of trust in him. And it's so very painful.

How do I detach to a healthy level without going to an "I don't give a shit" level that I can't come back from?

We have been together for 36 years and married for 30 of those. We still love each other and want to get to a healthy, joyful relationship again.

How do I make it through the limbo?

15 comments posted: Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

Needing some support D day #4

WH admitted last night that the first affair was not the 4-6 months that he claimed, but more like 2-3 years--likely starting some time in 2017 and ending (his choice) in Dec. of 2020. It was with a cOW, but online--EA and sexting. He is adamant that it was never physical. I actually do believe that (but we both did get STI testing this past summer).

Just so, so sad today. Not sure how to process this. Feeling like I have no one to lean on emotionally. I have told only a few peripheral people (a few good people I work with--but not the kind of friends I see frequently/socially). I am in IC, but my appointment was yesterday, before this revelation.

So lonely and uncertain. How can I process this? Can I heal from this 4th Dday? How can I heal?

How do I balance the devastation I feel about this revelation with the gratitude I have that he did finally tell me the truth about the length of his affair. And I am grateful, it is another step toward truth and transparency. I asked for this information...yet it is still such an awful aftermath.

2 years? 3 years? Does it matter? It feels like it. It's a fucking long time. 2 or 3 years of having a secret relationship

2-3 years of lying . Hard core lying. While his emotional and self-esteem needs were being met and fuck my needs for an honest and secure and truthful relationship. It was all about him.

Can someone like that care for me? Does he have the capacity? How? When I have I ever seen that? Why does this relationship feel so lonely for me? I carry too much of the burden--emotionally and communication-wise.

I think I can stay and maintain if there is progress on his part in healing his issues and showing me more active support in the hard/important ways.  What would that look like?

Just really needing to be heard and supported today. Really needing some kind and wise words.

5 comments posted: Thursday, November 26th, 2020

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