Newest Member: InkHulk

BreakingBad

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

Experience? Advice? Telling HS age kids way after Dday

We are almost 2 years out from Day1. Still working toward R.

As part of developing a wider net of support for me, my WH & I are planning to tell my parents about the betrayals.

Because our extended family is pretty close and because the LAST thing I want is for our kids to find out accidentally from an extended family member or to find out sometime in the future from us--but then to realize that we had told other family members first,
we have decided to tell the kids after Christmas. So, the kids will know before my parents do. We will likely tell my parents after the new year.

So here are the details:
2 amazing kids (10th & 11th grades)

They have been aware that we are in counseling (IC & MC) since almost the beginning--but don't know more than "we are going through a very difficult time and are trying to get to a place of health and joy in our marriage again"

They have been aware that WH & I have more closed-door talks and that we go out for drives to talk.

They are aware that only they know we are in MC and that the extended family doesn't know.

From the beginning, we told them that they can tell their friends if they wish; it doesn't have to be a secret from their friends.

We have had a follow-up conversation this summer and asked if they had questions or if there was info they knew and had questions about. They did not seem to know the "why" and we just shared that we were still working on the marriage. They did ask why at that point and we said that we weren't comfortable sharing that yet.
(This follow up conversation was partially due to the fact that I always wondered if our DS did know some of the why, since he came to our closed door during Dday 1 to ask an unrelated question and could tell we were having a very strained conversation. I told DS to go, but he heard enough to ask if I was OK and later texted to ask if I was really okay.) DS has never admitted to me that he knew anything specific about that Dday, but I figured, if he did, he likely shared it with his sister.)

So, DS never let on that he knows anything specific...but I always wondered.

We don't plan to get into nitty gritty details of the affairs with the kids. We are still working with our MC to do a final plan for the approach (what/how/when). WH will be the main explainer initially during the conversation with the kids (and also later with my parents).

So, that's the groundwork.

Experiences in telling older kids still living at home?

Experiences telling kids way after the fact?

Advice?

Warnings?

What not to do?

5 comments posted: Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

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