You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.
Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts
Weird feeling and a few realizations - AP has been diagnosed with a serious medical condition
Background: WH and AP and OBS all worked together during the A. PA began in 2017 and ended in 2019 AP and OBS have divorced (as have we) but all three of them still work together. I have moved away but WH and I are still pretty close friends and frequently talk. Whether we will R remains unseen - but does not seem likely due to geography and my unwillingness to commit to much more than what we have now.
WH's work, aside from a pretty high govt security clearance, also has very strict medical clearances meaning a lot of things can make it so you can't work his job (anti-depressants are a no-go for example as are high blood pressure meds without 6 month checkups). I had forgotten, a few months back, WH told me that AP was out on medical leave - that she had been having some kind of balance issues or something, but I didn't think much of the medical issue due to his work being so strict about when people can work and when they cannot as things don't have to be medically "serious" to preclude you from being able to work. At his/their work if someone is gone/out it affects the whole schedule - people have to shift around to be sure things are covered - for safety reasons, so it is not odd that he knows. Also, there, everyone is waaaaaaay into everyone else's business due to their close quarters/tight schedules so people have been talking about APs absence being somewhat serious (which is why when the A came to light it was a major topic).
The first weird thought: I can hardly believe it but I FORGOT AP hadn't been working with WH for the last 2 (maybe 3) months - until he mentioned her medical problems last night. I haven't given it a thought since he told me back in May or April??? Not going to lie, it feels pretty awesome to not care about that at all anymore. Years ago I would have been so happy she wasn't there - it would have been such a relief - but now I forgot??? Crazy.
So WH and I are talking on the phone last night and he is talking about how bad the schedule has been lately and how they are short-staffed and sees no relief: someone recently retired, one of their trainees after 2 years in the training pipeline didn't pass, someone else is trying to transfer out and thinks they will be approved, and AP and another co-worker are still out on medical and it sounds like neither of them may never be able to come back. In AP's case, apparently she is faced with some sort of brain tumor which has caused brain hemorrhaging, a stroke, and may also be cancerous and it appears that operating on it may not be possible. WH heard this from several people at work and knows no other details aside from the general gossip-rumor mill.
AP is roughly 35 and has a young son and is still single (as in not married - rumor mill is that she is seeing someone else, not that it matters except maybe she has some support while going through this).
Second weird thought: Upon WH telling me this, my first thought was: Good.
The moment after I think that I immediately felt a big pang of "Ugh." Good??? That is not the person I am. I am very empathetic normally, almost to a fault, and while in the midst of all the infidelity madness I often fantasized that she would be abducted by aliens or become a nun and move to South America or something, I never ever fantasized that something bad - really bad - would happen to her. That just isn't who I am, yet my first thought is some sort of happiness that something really bad has come her way made me feel almost instantly sick to my stomach. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
I didn't say a word about my mental reaction and instead asked my WH how that made him feel. His reaction was "I would not wish that on anyone, but I don't feel any desire to reach out, and haven't spent much time thinking about it, other than I hope she recovers as I certainly don't wish anyone dead." So in this case my WH's reaction, at least to me, is the more appropriate one. I guess I am just immensely disappointed with myself for such a reaction, because it was so pure, so instant - I can't ignore that part of me - this vindictive part that is happy that someone may be dying because they were involved in hurting me.
Really aside from talking to people on this site, I rarely ever even give her a passing thought. I really do believe that my WH was the problem for our relationship - his choices, his decisions - and that she could have been anyone (some about which he also agrees) and aside from her harassment of me at the end (which really amounted to some mind-numbingly ridiculous messages and a few drunk phone calls, which were all about her anyway) she was a nobody or an anybody. Yet for a moment, I mentally celebrated what can only be categorized as a very serious life-threatening medical condition.
I know this is nothing other than a very shameful gut reaction. I am not harboring something deeper. It's just a weird feeling to know I can think something like that. This morning I woke up feeling a bit bad for her - for her son. It would be horrible to have such a thing happen to you - to feel so out of control. I would not wish such things on anyone. So, in other words, I feel more like me today.
24 comments posted: Monday, August 7th, 2023