fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
Perspective and Thoughts at 3000
Today I hit my 3000th post and ive been here about 4 years. This is probably only the 2nd or 3rd time I’ve started my own thread. But I thought I’d mark the occasion by just posting some quick thoughts.
First I’m glad I found this place. I came at a time of great self doubt in my own life and this community helped me learn what it means to be a true partner in a loving relationship.
Communication was a concept that I quickly absorbed above all others when nurturing a marriage. I had always tried to be open, but 4 years ago I amped up my game with my wife in that area and the dividends it paid have been exponential.
I also have fine tuned my thoughts over these past few years of the ingredients that make a successful relationship both pre and post infidelity.
For the BS’s I have worked with, I think the most important point I’ve made recently is that a wayward spouse is not worth trying to rebuild with until THEY are leading the charge in healing and reconciliation instead of you. If they have to be dragged kicking and screaming into doing the right things, taking the right steps, and saying/thinking constructive words, then you should probably not waste your time with them. Until you see or hear them saying the right words and taking the right actions, simply state your boundaries and conditions to even try for R and then start taking steps to move on without them.
And it’s NOT when they agree to take those first actions that R starts. Honestly it doesn’t start until they’ve taken the right path on fixing themselves and rebuilding and helping you heal. Don’t commit to R until they’ve almost completed all that. Words are meaningless without the steps actually being taken. Don’t believe them until you actually see it consistently for months.
As for the WS’s I’ve worked with, after DDay (and even before if you can make yourself do it) it all has to be about your BS and what they need to heal. You’ve pointed an emotional magnum at their chest and pulled the trigger, and now they’ve figured out it was you that did it. Throw out the book at this point about fixing a troubled marriage. You’ve put yourself years behind that process with what you have done.
Think about what your spouse must be feeling at this very moment. Think what they must have felt the moment they knew for sure you had given away to another the best parts of what you were supposed to share with each other. Breathe in their pain and hold it as long as you can before exhaling.
You now must be as perfect as possible in taking your BS’s side in almost every argument. Support them as if you had their back in a fight against someone who was threatening your own family. But now you have become that very threat. You need to start as many responses as possible with the words “you’re right” for a very long time time. Your betrayal has put you in this position, and everything you do must go toward your goal of building trust again with the person you were the most untrustworthy.
Over time, it’s been my thesis, that a BS can find love again for their WS. It’s not easy. And my conjecture states that the path to rebuild that bond is thru Pride. Pride in the way they see the WS conduct themselves. Pride in how selfless they see them become. Pride in the true work they do to become better people.
So think about that WS’s in every thing you say and every choice you make from this day forward. And a good unsolicited “I’m sorry” every now and then can’t hurt either.
Thanks again for letting me be a part of this community. (Almost) all of you are truly great people looking to make themselves better even if that means working thru the pain to find a life with someone else down the road. You’ve all given me a lot to help me in my own life and relationship and for that I say THANK YOU.
I’m not going anywhere, but I thought I’d take a break from day to day comments on mostly BS’s threads to document a few thoughts. Thanks for letting me be a little selfish for a moment.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:58 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]
13 comments posted: Saturday, June 26th, 2021