Not so subtle messages
So, I had the great first date with Mr. Tall N. Sexy last Wednesday.
Thursday, he flew out to meet/see an entire branch of his family that he didn't know. He was nervous about it, and we talked a lot about it. Thanks to the modern wonder of text messaging, we were able to keep in touch and he shared his worries and concerns and I helped him through them. At moments when he was stressed, he'd text me, and I'd talk him through it. It was good, and we grew closer and learned a lot about each others' characters through the process. At night, when everyone else had gone to bed, he'd call me. Good conversations with a lot of depth. Last night, we played with the idea of me coming up to see him as soon as he's back, but decided that we both needed to be patient and wait until his birthday later this week. We had time, right?
He's coming home tonight.
This morning, I get a call from my baby boy (who is 26, 6' tall, and not so much of a baby any more). He and I had discussed him coming down this upcoming week, but then he dropped it, and I figured he couldn't get the time off. Last night, I FINALLY got a text from him with the info I needed to book his flight. Turns out, due to the no-so-wonder of text messaging, the message was delayed for a bunch of days, and I just received it last night. So I quick quick book him flights to and from here so he can come see me this week. He arrives tomorrow afternoon and is staying till Saturday evening.
Mr. T.N. Sexy and I had a pretty extensive conversation last night about how God sends us messages throughout our lives. And what we do with those messages. We talked about how sometimes, the messages are pretty subtle and it's important for us to pay attention. We also agreed that sometimes, they're a sledge hammer that we would have to be just plain stupid or in deep denial to miss. We also agreed that God has a wicked sense of humor and has no problem challenging us on a regular basis.
As soon as I got the call from my son this morning, it was a like a huge neon flashing sign of a message from God telling us to keep it in our pants for another week. Good one, God! I'm not appreciating the humor.
So my choice is to make what is essentially a booty run tonight or wait another week to get my hands on this man. I'm thinking. And yeah, I saw the sign! (grumble) Don't bother me while I'm thinking!
1 comment posted: Sunday, August 7th, 2022
A different kind of new beginning
I got a new job! It's less work than I have to do at my current position, and more than double the pay. I AM SO EXCITED!!! Is it August 8th yet?
What I do is pretty specialized. I'm a solar designer. I've been doing it for over 10 years now, on and off, and it really is my passion in life. So finding a new job at my level has been pretty challenging. Most positions when you search "solar designer" online pay about $35k, and are entry-level positions. When you first get into it, it's a weeder job (think all of those breadth courses you had to live through your freshman year of college). I managed to work my way up, but was still earning way less than I know I'm worth.
I will soon no longer have a wreck of a boss to boot!
I didn't sleep much last night - like 4 hours, I was so nervous about this call today. But they offered me the job and I was soooooo happy to accept. Now I need to go take a nap.
11 comments posted: Monday, July 18th, 2022
Well, that didn't turn out as planned!
Ok, so I had certain things in mind for my Friday night. Well, mine and Mr. Nicest Guy Ever's (aka "Saturday Date"). Let's just refer to him as the NGE.
So I decided at 5:30 a.m. that today is going to be the morning that I remember to text him first, so I did. Before 8:30. Nothing back by 10. 11, I text him and ask him if he's OK. At noon, I call and get his voice mail. I text him at 2:30, asking him to please let me know if he's OK. I call two more times, and no answer.
I flip back and forth between terrified that there was something really really wrong and angry that the guy that told me he'd never ghost me did exactly that. My anxiety disorder goes through the roof, but I have these damn contracts I have to get done for work, so I cram and get them done by 5.
At 5, I hop into the shower, bound and determined to head over to his house to find out what the hell is up. When I get out of the shower 10 minutes later, there's a text from him telling me that he is NOT OK and really sick. Then he calls me as I'm reading the text, and says "please come." He sounds like hell and I head right over.
Already long story short, I take him to the ER and they do a bunch of medical things and admit him to the hospital. So I stop at the Wally World and pick him up some essentials, and walk into his room at the hospital about 15 minutes after he gets there.
There on the wall is all of his info on a white board. There in the emergency contact section is my name and phone number and "(spouse)" after my name.
I stayed until 2 a.m., went back to his house, walked his dog, then came home to grab a few hours' sleep, and I'll be back at the hospital in the morning after I walk my dog and his.
I was planning on taking things to the next level tonight, but I never would have guessed I would end up being his assumptive spouse!
When I asked NGE about it after the medical staff cleared out, he told me they asked him for an emergency contact, and he gave them my name and number. They made the assumption that I was his spouse.
30 comments posted: Sunday, June 12th, 2022
How do you play the field?
I'll admit it straight off. I'm a serial monogamist.
I've tried playing the field before, but don't like it. Strike that - I hate it. It's confusing and I don't know the ground rules. So I have questions.
First and foremost, how do you explain when you're not available at times? I'm bad at lying AND being vague.
Second, how do you not feel like you're cheating on all of them?
Third, whom do you sleep with? Any of them? None of them? (If that's so, why bother?) Do you keep one sure one in the rotation to sleep with and not sleep with the rest? As a rule, I don't sleep with more than one man at a time (as opposed to the CB, who slept with ALL of the women at the same time).
I gotta tell you, the idea of dating somebody that I KNOW is out there dating other people is very uncomfortable to me. It's bad enough that I assume that everyone I date is seeing somebody else when we meet. OMG, I just realized something. I assume that every man I meet is cheating on somebody else when he meets me. Oh God, that's a huge red flag and a topic for another thread that I don't have time to start right now, but wait, it's coming while I pick that apart in front of y'all.
Jeeze, I cannot believe that I am 55 years old and have absolutely no idea how to play the field. I'm pathetic.
Also, here's a problem. I'm not what most people consider pretty. I do the best with what I've got, but to be brutally honest about me, I'm probably what most men would call a butterface. You know, as in, she's got a hot body, but her face....
My BFF tells me (and he's male, so I believe him), that I'm "smashable." What he means is that men will think I'm hot and want to sleep with me right off the bat, regardless of what's going on above the neck. Yeah, I'm still skinny at 55 and try to get to the gym at least once a week to keep my ass from sliding down the back of my thighs, and evidently, at this age, that's a rarity in these here parts.
I think that playing the field might be a good idea for me right now, but I want to do so without lying, feeling guilty, turning into a slut, or ending up sexually frustrated.
Please, oh wise ones, guide me...
24 comments posted: Wednesday, May 18th, 2022
No more ability to trust
It has been a looooong time since D-Day, the divorce, rebound flings, 5 years alone, then dating. I'm now amicably getting out of a 12 year marriage. Everything is done except the certificate and the check for my half of the equity in the house.
But I find that one thing still remains: lack of trust. And that has me so very angry right now. Why? Lemme 'splain.
The Cheating Bastard (the CB from here on out) took away my trust in people generally and men specifically. I've tried to get over it. Hell, I even remarried! You're over it, right? But I will NEVER be able to open myself up again like I did before. And trust me, I've tried. Throughout my remarriage and now that I'm out there dating again, I've tried.
So I'm going to be pissed at the CB until I die (or a miracle occurs and I somehow get over it) because he broke me. Irrevocably and permanently, he broke me. And I've done a lot of work to make me into a decent human being. And he came along, earned my trust, lied to me, and broke me.
Maybe it was because I was an active alcoholic when he met me. Then I got sober, and he didn't have anyone to rescue anymore. So he worked really really hard to send me into a tailspin. He did for a while, but I kept at surviving that damn disease, and I have. So far. I'm careful never to assume tomorrow is a given. That's just my disease trying to suck me back in.
But no, wait, the CB was cheating on me BEFORE HE MARRIED ME. Why did he even marry me?!?!?!
I want my f*ing trust back. And he took it from me. That f*ing bastard.
I want to be ecstatically in love and just be able to fall into my partner. To know he'll be there for me. To feel safe. That he has my six. I want to go back to being optimistic and naïve and trusting.
But I find myself always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just can't do it.
I'm ending a 5-month relationship with a guy that looks great on paper. Good job and just got a big promotion and raise. Owns 2 boats, 2 vehicles, his own house, great dog, very intelligent, and funny as hell. And I am not even close to being able to fall in love with him. I don't trust him and he has never given me any reason not to. If anything, I should trust him more than most because his first marriage ended when his wife left him for another man. But he tells me that he doesn't cheat, and I am like, "Yeah, RIGHT." He uses the words "trust me" and I scoff at him. That's not fair to do to him. So I'm ending it, because as soon as feelings start to develop, I freeze up, panic, and play cool like I don't care what he does. I'm not myself with him. I'm a façade that he thinks is great and chill and it's not in any way a reflection of what I'm really feeling. I'm terrified and running away.
I never used to dump guys. I was a serial monogamist (still am) and would try and try at relationships until they were irrevocably broken. But I always trusted that things could work out. Now, I dump men on the regular. I average less than 2 months. I've dumped 3 men hard in less than a year. One after 2 months, one after 5 weeks, one after 2 weeks. And they were all way into me. And I'm like nope, nope, nope. My best friend says I have high standards and applauds me for ending things as soon as I see red flags. Little does he know, I'm dumping them as soon as I start to have feelings for them. I'm terrified of falling in love.
It's been 18 years, and I'm not over it. To this day, the CB and I meet on a dark road? Bump bump as I run his ass over. Bump bump as I back up over him to make sure he's gone. Bump bump one more time as I drive away laughing like a crazy woman. It's a VERY good thing that I moved over 500 miles away so that won't happen.
And the reason I can't get over it after 18 years is because I can't trust anymore. Love terrifies me. And damn, that pisses me off.
How do I ever trust again?
13 comments posted: Wednesday, April 13th, 2022