Big bloody vent
Okay, vent here.
Do you ever feel, while reading particular threads from newly minted and even veteran members, like you just want to say,
I mean, things are so fucking obvious, a child could see the writing on the wall, but they just won't listen! I mean, you can see the light and hear the horn from the train approaching, but they refuse to acknowledge the obvious. I mean, it's like yelling at the movie screen, telling the the supporting actress that no, the perfect time to take a bath is not when the homicidal psychopath is on the loose!!! And then they return, time and time again, saying, yup, should've listened. But no number of should've listened post will make the next person listen. It's like bloody groundhog day.
It's not because I am an uncaring asshole, but just the opposite. I am sick of watching the membership number grow as more and more faithful partners are abused, blamed, gas lit and the lot. IT kills me. I'm sick of seeing the anvil descending, while powerless to warn them.
A couple months ago, I checked the membership number. It was just over 70K. Now it's almost 10K more. 10K more! That's how much it grew while I wasnt paying attention. And that's just a drop in the bucket in regards to the real pain and devastation out there!
It's just so fucking disheartening...
Okay. Vent over.
21 comments posted: Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Big bloody vent
[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:56 AM, July 6th (Tuesday)]
0 comment posted: Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
I hit 1000!
Not sure where to post this. So mods, move it if you feel the urge...
So I made it to 1,000 posts, and I struggled with what I should post. I wanted something significant as SI has been such a big part of my life for so long. The problem is that by the time I was done writing this post, it was already inaccurate. But, my fellow, what do we call ourselves? Felliw wounded, veterans, I don't know... You motley crew of anonymous internet strangers, you bloody, battered and wonderful people, you have carried me through some of my greatest struggles, walked with me through my darkest hours, and often you had no idea. There were nights I did not think I would make it to morning, but make it I did. I measured my day in segmented portions, trying to make it till I got to work, then trying to make it till break, and lunch, and the end of the day, hoping I could hang on long enough until I could get drunk and end the day, praying I could make it to the morning, only to repeat. Often, I felt like Prometheus, only it was my heart that was eaten out.
I remember how, when attempting reconciliation, I looked for even the smallest crumb of hope. When I chose divorce, I looked for confirmation that I had chosen properly. You gave me neither. Instead, you gave me your stories, your wounds, and most of all, your honesty. You did not speak in one, single voice, but rather in a chorus of differing opinions and perspectives. This, I believe, is the greatest strength of this place.
We all were brought here in the unity of trauma, the wounded, and sadly, those who have caused the wounds. Most are looking for healing, hope, and in some cases redemption. Some are looking for something else, but they do not stay long, as they realize the true purpose of this place.
In the years and through the days of discovery, I have felt every emotion possible, some I hope to never feel again. For those who told me I would come out stronger, I hated those words, but you were right.
So where am I at 1,000? My divorce is nearing the end, my oldest is graduating, my younger is doing well, and I am still full of fears. I've learned to keep pushing forward, while allowing myself to stop and rest. I've learned to take pleasure in the moments life gives me. I've become selfish, putting myself first and only allowing the highest quality people in my life. Ive learned to say no and I e learned to tell pepe what I think, in all of its unvarnished truth. I'm learning to hope again, and laugh again, if mostly to forgive myself for not meeting all of my own expectations. I've learned that it's okay to be alone, that I don't need to be completed by anyone. I've gone from victim to survivor to the cusp of my next stage with a determination to thrive. I have no idea what the future holds, and I am nowhere near healed, but I have purpose and direction once again.
So will I ever be fully healed? Probably not. Bu
So that's my thousandth post.
And thank you all for just being the most amazing people I've never met.
[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 9:18 PM, May 8th (Saturday)]
9 comments posted: Saturday, May 8th, 2021
Looking back on my birthday
This started out as an update on my other dating/not dating thread, but screw it. It's my special day, so I'm starting a new thread. Plus, I'm trying to make it to 1000 posts. Almost there.
Well, it's my birthday and I am having a mini solo celebration between grocery shopping for the week and getting back to my side hustle job. Yes, my life is an adventure. Oh, oh, tell me, am I living my best life yet?
Currently, we are on Province wide restrictions, so we can only sit outside. Nice day for it.
Today I turn 54. And as I reflect back on my life, I try not to throw up in my mouth, just a little. Man, I did not picture myself here. A career professional who works orchard work on the side, plus small job renos, just to pay the bills. It used to be good with a wife and kids and house... Oh well. But I do what needs to be done.
On the bright side, we always seem to have just enough. Last month i had to dip into my tooth fund, broken molar that needs a crown, so I was quite disheartened. My goal is forward. Even if I have to measure it in inches, it's still progress. So when i broke my rule of never touch the savings, I felt pretty defeated. But the next week, i get a call from the orchard guy that he needs work, and he even hired my kids! So now they have a bit of pocket cash and i can begin topping things up. Just hope the tooth doesn't break...
And this is the kicker. As I was leaving the orchard, he gave me a beef tenderloin. I was floored, but it wasnt until I got home that my kids pointed out the price. It was more than half of what I spend on groceries for a week. Hell, I dont even walk by the beef cooler because I know I can't afford the hood stuff.
This gesture moved me to tears. I mean, my life has been shit for do long, I just assume that shit things will be the new normal.but I also feel tremendously guilty accepting charity, so I was spinning all afternoon. I ended up calling my friend who gave me shit for not receiving. It's just so hard to receive help or kindness when it seems I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We had a good laugh talking about some of the shit we did to cope with a tight budget during our divorces. He was so broke, paying alimony, that he would hit up the food bank just to feed his kid and he, even though he taught university. I would be invited out with "the boys" and would eat before I left, so I could tell everyone I wasnt hungry and just nurse a beer. He's doing great now and is my "you can make it" go to guy.
So, just enough money seems to show up just when its needed. Go figure. Lillies if the field I guess. Thanks big guy.
So here I am, drinking the cheapest beer I can find in town and celebrating another go around the sun. Still not thrilled about life, but not hating it either. I'm learning to find peace in being alone and just enjoying my own company. Covid has certainly helped with that. The future scares me and I still shake pretty regularly. My panic attacks are fewer and I see myself as a victim no longer. So that's pretty good for year 3ish.
Now if the divorced could just be finalized so I can send the ex a Skank You card...
13 comments posted: Monday, April 5th, 2021
Vent: online dating and women
So this is purely from a binary Male perspective. I have yet again, yes I know om an idiot, dipped my toe int the cesspool of internet dating. So, I am getting matches and likes. Fine, I'll bite. I send women a smile and comment, almost always a question. They will respond, if the don't ghost, with an answer, so I will respond with yet another fucking question. The respond with an answer, and usually an emoji. So now I am left wondering if the woman on the other end is a fucking moron. Really???? Think of it as a game of catch with one FUCKING ball! Toss it back. It's not like I have a whole thing of balls here. You could feign some level of interest by asking me an actual question!!! You know, I'm an actual human being, with some depth here. Stop being do passive! It's the 21st century. And dont give me crsp about being pursued. This is not how grownups gave conve5sations. Even if you adhere to Victorian standards, they covered this shit in finishing school..
God, that felt good...vent over.
73 comments posted: Sunday, January 31st, 2021
Hand overs with the ex
Don't know what to title this. I did the handover with the STBXWW yesterday. We have an arrangement that we pick up the girls on our week. I look forward to having my girls all week, though I do enjoy the me time as well. I know transition days can be hard, so I make comfort food on Sundays, most times a roast with mashed potatoes, gravy, and a nice salad. I want them to associate coming to my place with the smell of a nice meal waiting for them.
So I get to my STBXWW'S lair and she tosses the kids bags at me and says thank God its Sunday and she can get rid of the kids. She looks like hell as well. I guess the stress of this exciting single life has lost its sheen... Yup, it's no fun when you have to shoulder all the shit your husband did quietly in the background. Should have read the other side of the infidelity brochure.
Anyway, if that's not enough, she start sputtering about how hard she has it. I'm listening, the whole time thinking she has me confused with someone who gives a shit. Yes, I fully realize that she is baiting me, but 2.5 years of detoxing from her flaming dumpster of a life has taught me to grey rock quite effectively. I stood stone faced and told her that I'm sure she would figure it out, then packed up my kiddos went home and had roast.
My STBXWW just doesn't get it. She is destroying her relationship with the kids. Even the girls have commented that I'm always happy to get them, while mom is always happy to get rid of them. But again, not my monkey, not my circus. I got fired from that job. Looking forward now...
20 comments posted: Tuesday, December 15th, 2020
Just going it alone, anyone?
I think I've gotten to a new stage three years after Dday#1 and 27 months separated. Maybe I've lived through too much shit or maybe I just read too many tragic stories hear. Maybe the hey, we are now fully recovered, oops I guess we aren't ones have really hit me. I don't know, but I feel done with people. I've seen first hand how darkly selfish people can be and it sickens me. I know I'm now jaded with trust issues, so that dosen't help either.
I just find myself tremendously uninterested in the risk of a relationship, even though I love the connection. I tried OLD for a whole 5 minutes before quitting. Felt sleazy. I walk around in my own cacoon now. I am decently attractive, so I get eye contact and smiles from women, but I have no desire to smile back. Just yesterday in the grocers, a woman was smiling at me and it seemed like she always ended up in the aisle I was in. At one time, I would have smiled and said at least something. Now all I do is look at her and think about risk, percentages, possible history, basically deconstruct every possibility etc, and think, shit, probably not worth the effort.
And if I do say hello, then what? Drinks, conversation, maybe a little hope before I find out that her last relationship ended because they grew apart? Find out later she cheated and now I'm forced to bail with all the emotion that goes with it.
I find myself wanting to be alone and just go my own way.
Am I off base here? Do I need a kick in the ass? Can anyone identify with me?
41 comments posted: Wednesday, October 21st, 2020
Signed up for old and got liked
So I broke down and signed up for OLD after my buddy was giving me shit for just sitting at home and having no life. So, I answered the questions with honesty and authenticity. I figured with the crap I've been through, the last thing I need is more untruthfulness. Plus, I think I'm a pretty decent guy if you can get past the age and profile pic.
Well, I've gotten a couple of likes. I know this is not a huge deal for some, but for me, it is exciting. I've let the likers know that I am totally good with just making new friends and having some hopefully stimulating conversations. Wish me luck navigating this "brave new world that has such people in it".
30 comments posted: Sunday, August 30th, 2020
Vent: stbxww just cannot change
Okay, quick vent hear. We recently changed our switch over day from Friday to Sunday and it has been better for the kids. A little background on my STBXWW. She has ADHD, but I think she is cluster B as well. My IC thinks she is missing a critical part. Her life is a chaotic shitshow and she has great difficulty managing things. As well, she is a terribly negative and discontented person. As a result, she is always chasing something to fill her empty hole, hence the A and questionable behavior with men her whole life. As the hard working grown up in the relationship ship, I functioned as the fixer. My kids called me the responsible one. I am never late, get things done, and keep my word. My STBXWW on the other hand is a controlled fall.
So, two Sundays ago, I was expecting to pick my kids up between 5 and 6. I had dinner made and then got a text from my eldest daughter that their mom had them it of town on a swimming trip and would be late. My STBXWW did not contact me. They rolled in at 10 PM and my STBXWW expected me to come grab them. I said no and told them that either she could drop them off of they stay another day. They stayed.
Now this Sunday. She is to pick them up between 5 and 6. Same drill. My eldest daughter tells me that her mom is out of town at a lake and will be late. Nothing from STBXWW mind you. Now I am pissed. Of course, I did get wind of a breakup between my STBXWW and her latest boyfriend in which he called her crazy, so I am assuming she did something in keeping with her character. Not my business, but my kids did say she was going through something and suggested I be supportive. Nope, not my roll anymore. Got fired from that position. She has friends and family.
I texted my STBXWW and made it clear that she is to abide by the arrangements to which we have agreed. Her response was, and I kid you not, was that since the kids stayed an extra day st her place last week, she thought it was no big deal. I walked her through things yet again and explained that it was her actions that di rated that. Either she is a profoundly selfish person or a profoundly stupid one...poor both. I am so glad I'm not with that POS anymore.
5 comments posted: Monday, August 17th, 2020
If, how, and when do you ask about infidelity?
I and 2 years S and 5 months single from my first post M relationship. I sort of fell I to that one and it was a rollercoaster to say the least. I gave myself 6 months to heal and then do a reevaluation of my healing. I'm not sure if I'm ready to date, but my best friend is giving me shit for being so closed to the idea, so I am considering it.
I am a guy who lives in his head, so I read and I research. I will not, and I mean will not date a former cheater any more than I would allow a former sec offender to sit my kids. The research on recidivism is pretty solid on once a cheater... and I am too screwed up after the last one.
What I am asking is if, how, and when do you bring it up? After how much time? I've read some shitty advice on other boards about the past remaining in the past and it's none of my business. After I threw up in my mouth and hit the back button, I figured this is literally the most trusted forum anywhere and has centuries of combined experience. So have at it. Both barrels.
30 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020
Ran into posom
Well that was interesting. I guess it had to happen after two years S, I ran 9nto my STBXWW'S former AP while running on a trail. He was taking some people out on a trail ride; it's what he does. I saw him before hd saw me. He tried to look away, but I locked eyes o him and said hello. Actually, I'm paraphrasing. It may have been hey tucker... hd laughed it off to save face. Me, I just enjoyed seeing the loser be, well, a loser.
2 comments posted: Saturday, July 18th, 2020
My very first post on New Beginnings!
I thought it might be appropriate to post here, even though I am not yet divorced. Last New Year's, I chose a word for my year, FORWARD. Then I asked my colleagues to create a bucket list with activities that they think I should do. I have a jar with almost 50 things. No idea what they are yet due to covid, but I did pull one. I am going to spend half a day volunteering.
Anyway, being alone has shown me a few things. One is that the world is definitely not but for me. Based on double occupancy and table for two are just a couple of ways in which a single person stands out. I am growing accustomed to taking myself out for a meal or coffee. Basically, I do most things along as I am the only person I k ow that is alone. Since I dont read get invited over anymore, being a 5th wheel, I've gotten used to flying solo.
Since I had a week off with no kids coming up, decided to do a solo bike trip along a section of the Trans Canada trail. This will be my first solo trip as a single guy, although I did take a motorcycle trip alone to decide if I was going to divorce or not.
I've no idea what to expect. I bout a used bike trailer and a few things I didn't have, and have packed them up and leave in two days. I've got a micro camp chair, Cuban cigars, and a bottle of cheap whiskey, not mention a pack fly rod. I have no idea what to expect, but I feel something like excitement. Not sure what it is, but it approximates some of the positives emotions I remember once having.
I am looking forward to new experiences and new friends.
18 comments posted: Thursday, July 2nd, 2020
This just seems like the right place
At first, this was going to be a post about how tired I am of reading the sad stories that we have all gone through and continue to. Cheaters take so much away and it seems the cycle of hurt never abated, wash, rinse, repeat. But as soon as I started typing, something happened. As my GF would put it, something needed to come out, so here it is....
I struggled with what to name this thread. I've been a member here since July of 2018 and have read possible hundreds if not thousands of posts. They have been invaluable to me. The collective wisdom and experience here has proven more beneficial than any therapist could be. You people have saved me in more ways than you can possibly imagine. I am now 3 years post dday#1, 2 years post dday #2, and roughly 19 months seperated. In dog years, I guess I'm a vet. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal, but since I am divorcing, it feels faster.
So many positives have happened to me recently. They might seem small to those outside SI, but I think you all get it. I no longer spend all of my time wishing I was dead and when i do, it is just because i an low or tired and life feels to big at times. I dont feel pain anymore, just irritation, like my STBXWW is a pebble in my shoe and i just need to find the nearest opportunity to shake it out. I have a woman in my life that i care for very much, though I have no assurance of it lasting, but hey, I apparently did not have assurance in my last relationship. I was just unaware of that.
I laughed a couple of weeks ago. Not a chortle or a smirk, but really laughed and smiled in a way I had not done in many years. I felt, for a brief moment, joy. I was with my GF and I mentioned it, but did not want to convey it's full impact to her. I wanted to save that as mine and mine alone. I wanted to sit and really think about it.
I have learned to find moments of peace and contentment. I am now of the opinion that happiness is a fool's errand. It is fleeting and superficial because it relies on situation rather than attitude. For me at least, I want to learn to bend and not break, to accept and not resist the troubles life gives me. I'm working on this.
I've so learned what intimacy is and what an honest and authentic physical relation can feel like. It turns out that I had never really experienced that before but was blissfully unaware. Won't ever go back to mediocre sex, I'll tell you that. I will not accept a partner who is not emotionally all in. And I will not defraud someone by not doing the same.
Holy shit, this is a long post. My bad.
So my GF does this thing every year. She comes up with a order for the next year, sort of a theme to live by. I thought about this. I guess my word for last year would have had to be "unbroken". I had been hammered last year and I felt it. I am going to spend the day thinking about a word, but one seems to be in the forefront, "foreward". I have decided to see myself, not as a victim or even a survivor, as they suggest, to me at least, a passivity which I am leaving behind. I now feel that something good and big and wonderous is coming, and I need to stand up and go to meet it head on. So I guess it rucksacks on and get ready to move into 2020. Happy new year my friends. And thank you for being there for me, all of you wonderful, hurting, loving and anonymous people.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, December 31st, 2019