I thought my libido was broken
It's not had my first sexual experience since leaving my ex and it was really GOOD and nice
I'm still not looking for a relationship so I guess you can call it a "hook-up"
It is good to know I am not broken, everything is working just fine.
8 comments posted: Monday, October 4th, 2021
Weird Text from the Ex
The xWS sent a strange text yesterday basically patting himself on the back for not freaking out when I left him and for not just showing up at places I'm at unannounced He said he knew I had already been through that treatment before in my past (abusive ex boyfriend before I met xWS).
Then he went on to say that he realized that I gave up 1/2 my time with kids to get away from him and how that is weighing heavily on him
I'm not sure what I feel. I kind of feel creeped out from it. I'm unfortunately still dealing from trauma from an assault I experienced a few months ago during a robbery so him texting me this just sent me over the edge.
I will not respond as this is unnecessary contact from him but am keeping in my records of texts in case I need a restraining order.
12 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021
WS going to default on legal separation
I can't believe it. How stupid can he be? I know he will blame me for this too. That I forced him to default somehow
10 comments posted: Friday, July 9th, 2021
He got served today
My xWS got served today and of course I get the scathing text that I’m dragging things out. I’m still grieving this M ending and there just seems to be no relief in sight I miss my kids when I don’t have them, struggle financially and live day to day in this surreal situation. Living in infidelity was bad too. I hope really hope I feel better one day.
12 comments posted: Thursday, May 13th, 2021
Depression after D
Anyone else feel depressed about their situation? I guess I'm depressed that this is my life. Now I don't want my other life back either, but it just feels so surreal and not what I expected. It wasn't like I was happily married and we had some wonderful life that I miss. I miss that I never got to experience a great marriage and a good life with a partner. When I see older people who are still holding hands it just baffles me.
I have no desire to date or be in a relationship again. I don't even want to try. Is this just me still recovering from the trauma of what my M was? I try to go out and do things with friends, my kids or just exploring by myself but I will find myself back in this depressing state. I'm depressed my kids are older and about to be on their own which will leave me totally alone (for some reason this thought causes me extreme depression and anxiety).
12 comments posted: Tuesday, May 11th, 2021
Ex is still blaming me 7 months later
It is unbelievable to me that my ExWS is STILL lashing out and blaming me for leaving the M. He is blaming me for his perception of how he is losing the kids (we have 50/50 plan so not sure how he is losing the kids). Says he has less control with them having 2 different households. Thinks that my leaving the M did more damage than anything he did to me. I just can't
Unfortunately I responded to this because I'm tired of being blamed for this and I'm also dealing with my mom being hospitalized for a mental breakdown and suicide ideation at the same time. The timing of his rant couldn't have been more perfect.
He also is driving the kids crazy telling them that they don't help out around the house (they do because they tell me all the chores he makes them do) and that they never come out of their rooms to spend time with him and why is he keeping his house if they don't want to come out of their rooms When the kids got to my place they said it felt so happy and peaceful.
Ex makes everyone around him miserable while blaming everyone around him except himself it is truly mind boggling.
21 comments posted: Tuesday, April 13th, 2021
His contact throwing me into depression
STBX has been contacting me once a week lately which I have given crickets to, but it leaves me depressed for a couple of days. Right now I'm struggling with this depression and it makes me angry at the same time that he contacts me.
His recent contact was "poor me this" and "poor me that" he NEVER asks how I am. He says now he is struggling with abandonment issues and that he has no one and is all alone. That he is really sad. I shouldn't feel bad for him but I do. I still have no desire to ever see him or talk to him again and that makes me hurt for him too that I feel this way.
I start to feel better about my life and then BOOM he contacts me and it just sucks all the life out of me again. It would be so much worse if I were living with him again so at least I have the physical separation from him. He is a miserable person whether he is with me or not and I'm tired of his contact. I want to text him to tell him to leave me alone that every time he does this it sets me back, but I know I can't he's not a normal person. He would relish that he gets to me and can make me miserable like him.
I feel like this will never end
7 comments posted: Monday, February 1st, 2021
Why do I even care
Why do I care if he becomes successful after this or if he finds someone younger and more beautiful? Why do I care if my daughter wants to live with him more than me? Why does this bother me so much that it keeps me up at night and makes me lose focus of my own life?
I don't want him back and I don't want to be back there. I want to move past this feeling. I know he won't ever magically become a good person. I know he'll treat the next woman with the same contempt he gave me. He will nitpick her to death (geeeze I hated that).
So why does it bother me if his life becomes better than when I left it? I need a lobotomy seriously
16 comments posted: Wednesday, January 20th, 2021
I’m not doing so good tonight. I guess I was hoping STBXs life would fall apart after I left but seems to be doing better while my life is falling apart. My son said his dad gives him $20 a week allowance while I struggle in an apartment now. He gets his mom’s big house, can afford to give the kids things I cannot and pretty soon he’ll probably find a nice attractive young woman and his perfect life will be complete.
I would never want to be back with him but I just feel like I get the raw end of the deal. I got a marriage of lies being cheated and psychologically abused, but he gets to move on nicely in life. I don’t know why but I also feel like I’m losing the kids to him too.
I’m starting to get suicidal thoughts again like what is the point of this life. He gets whatever he wants and is able to move on while I am so damaged and now struggling financially, getting older that I’m sure he is enjoying watching my downfall. Life has been cruel to me and I’m beginning to think there is no justice or happy ending.
10 comments posted: Monday, January 18th, 2021
I married a lie
This is more of a vent than anything... but I didn't think it was possible to hate someone so much. I literally despise my ex. I just found out over the weekend that he had said awful things about my son after he was born and that he never wanted a second child. He also said something shitty to my mom after my daughter was born but my mom didn't tell me until a few years ago. After my daughter was born he said (as he was holding her hours after birth)"This isn't for me."
If I would have known ANY of this I would have left immediately. It is sick and I don't understand it. Today he acts like father of the year and I know he loves them but I can't get past this. We had discussed having kids and he was on board and now I find out these things NOW!!!
I feel like I'm going to have a coronary. I'm so sick in the head I am now praying for his death. What an awful awful human he is and I wish I never laid eyes on him. I love my kids though. Glad I had them with this fucking monster. If only I had been told this after their birth I would have kicked him to the goddamn curb. Sick mofo!
9 comments posted: Monday, January 11th, 2021
He contacted me again...
Thank god I have therapy today. I hate when he contacts me. I will not respond as it doesn't pertain to the kids rather his own emotions.
Just texted me "Don't think I'll ever get over losing you outta my life... just devastated every morning I wake up."
The empath in me feels sorry for him (why?! I wish I felt nothing). The other side of me remembers how badly he emotionally abused me and how many mornings I woke up feeling bulldozed. I still have mornings that I wake up feeling blah because it is surreal to be on my own after being with him 1/4 of my life.
I have nightmares every single night because of him. I just had one last night where we were back together and I kept saying I don't want to be back here. I never wanted to get back together again. So weird then his text this morning
My mind ruminates and now it is going to take probably this whole day to stop thinking about it. I hate this. I wish he would not contact me like this.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:15 PM, December 18th (Friday)]
14 comments posted: Friday, December 18th, 2020
Unwanted contact and information
Received unwanted contact from STBX the other day because he was inquiring about an address of one of HIS family members. I lost my address book and all my documents and my son's documents during my move and let him know (bad bad idea). My STBX then went on to berate me about it. Saying that if something happens with my son's information being compromised it's all on me and why would I take the kid's documents with me when I was the one who left and not the kids I had no other choice as I couldn't take living with his emotional abuse anymore. My kids' rooms are there that's why they didn't come with me and they see me 50% of the time but guess he had to rub it in
Also my daughter told me that he's been telling her about all the women he's been chatting up lately and asked her if she would be nice to them Just seems so unfair that he's already dating and I can't even contemplate dating. Now I have been having nightmares of him rubbing his dates in my face.
I am no contact with him except the kids so I have been good with boundaries there I just don't want to hear about any of his new love interests. Do I ask my daughter not to tell me? Ugh
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:08 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]
14 comments posted: Thursday, December 10th, 2020
Fear coming to realization
My daughter keeps changing her mind about how long and how often she comes over to my place. Right now we have 50/50 but my daughter is 17 and is old enough to do what she wants.
Since I had to move to an apartment and could only afford a 2 bedroom, my son has his own room and me and her were supposed to share bed but she preferred sleeping on the couch (which originally I was going to do). Any ways she just told me today she doesn't know if she even wants to stay with me and it just ripped my heart out.
I feel like I'm being punished for leaving the M, for moving out, and feel abandoned by my daughter too.
I hate my XWS for this. I wish I never moved to his mom's house and was still in our home (which is currently being rented with lease until 2021). It would have been better if I was in a situation to kick him out. Instead I had to move out.
This is the worst part about S/D it is killing me.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, November 18th, 2020
I love my new beginning
This is my first post here and I just have to say how much I love my new beginning. It feels like a new beginning for me as I can feel the peace of mind every day. All of the toxicity from my M is washing away. This is my life now and I get to do anything I want without having to get approval or hear any criticism about it.
My animals even seem happier at my new place. No more walking on eggshells or having a dark cloud over my head. It is like heaven and I'm embracing it.
No more thoughts of the A, why he had an A. The AP's are the furthest thing from my mind.
I never thought this would be possible. I thought I was going to be plagued by my Ex's A forever. While I am plagued by the time spent and how I was able to put up with abuse for so long, I no longer obsess about it.
My new beginning was gaining a new life with new hopes and aspirations. I plan to make the most out of the rest of my life and I can look forward to it now.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, November 10th, 2020
Stbx sending scathing texts
He sent a bunch of angry texts blaming me for the way things ended, blaming me for ruining his birthdays, saying he's no longer to blame and that I am to blame. My PTSD can barely handle this. I broke down crying and shaking just from reading the texts. I said to leave me alone but he kept on and on with angry texts.
I wish he would leave me alone. At least I'm in my own place but it kind of shook me up tonight and don't want this keep happening.
25 comments posted: Sunday, October 25th, 2020
Being blamed for poor relationship with son
Omg this guy infuriates me My son is struggling in school and I asked STBX to talk with my son about it since he has the kids this week. Instead he starts blaming me for his relationship with our son stating that he has no respect for him and won't talk to his dad. I simply told him that he needs to foster his relationship with him that he is his dad.
STBX goes on to say that it's happened since "All this went down" meaning since the separation. Narcs are a special kind of stoopid.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, October 20th, 2020
Struggling with not seeing the kids
How do you deal with not seeing your kids everyday? It is what I am struggling with the most. I miss them so much when they are not with me I try to keep busy, but sometimes will get anxiety from it or just a sadness. I'm not lonely as I have my furbabies with me.
This was one of the major reasons that stopped me from leaving was knowing I wouldn't be around my kids everyday. I REALLY could not stand to be around my STBX everyday as it was toxic to me. Sometimes I feel like I abandoned my kiddos. I hope one day they realize that I had to do this for myself and for them to have a healthy mom.
What do you guys do to help keep your mind busy? Does this feeling go away?
9 comments posted: Monday, September 28th, 2020
I did it! I moved out
Well I can’t believe it! I did it! I’m in my own place and it is so peaceful. The hardest part is not seeing the kids as much because I don’t have internet yet, but getting there. I don’t miss him and that really says a lot.
Of course he made the move as difficult as possible for me we even argued in front of the movers and I was crying for most of it, I am just happy it’s all put behind me now.
What’s interesting is I was never able to be alone when I was younger and feeling alone in the marriage all these years must have really done a number on me because I like being alone right now.
Kids love the new apartment! My son is already decorating his room the way he wants. Me and daughter have to share a room. It’s temporary until I can move back to my home when my renters move out.
Just can’t believe I did it I have overcome my greatest fears.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:43 AM, September 11th (Friday)]
31 comments posted: Friday, September 11th, 2020
Having nightmares again
I haven't had nightmares about cheating since the early days after D-Day, but they have started up again and I'm not sure if it's because the finality of this and my moving out in a few weeks. It's hard because it affects my whole mood and I can feel myself slipping into depression again.
8 years of this and I'm still in pain. Does it really ever end? I feel like this is going to be a lifetime sentence, it has been the worst experience of my life. Worse than being raped and worse than my physical abuse that I suffered with an ex-boyfriend, worse than my childhood sexual abuse. I am starting to question what life is all about. I didn't want this life
2 comments posted: Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
It should not have to be this way
Is what my STBX told me this morning. He also said it is really sad.
I agreed and said no it should not have to be this way and you should not have done what you did all those years. I know NC NC NC.
Why did I feel the need to defend myself. I'm getting better, but that just gets to me. Like I've caused this
Unfortunately it has to be this way. I need to heal and find peace and clarity. I have been living this nightmare for far too long and it's about time I felt some happiness again!
6 comments posted: Monday, August 24th, 2020
He's ramping up and I'm scared
Today he found out I am transferring services to his name for the house we are in (his mother's house) and he absolutely lost his shit on me. Saying that he is mad that I didn't try to save the M and that I sabotaged it. Said "Ok Let's Play" I am shaking and crying at work. I was in a physically abusive relationship before this M and I'm really scared what he might do. Is being harassed by text while you are IHS sufficient to get a restraining order?
25 comments posted: Wednesday, August 19th, 2020
Why does my mind keep flip flopping?
Well I got approved for the apartment I found, move out is on Sept. 9th. I'm excited and sad at the same time. This morning I woke up feeling strange like I'm not connected to my body I don't know how to describe it.
Why does the mind not sort itself out I keep thinking am I making the right decision? What if I fail? What if I don't like this? Logically I know this is the healthiest decision for me. STBX has still not shown any kind of last ditch effort to save the M only texts or lovebombs. I have no hope left for the M unless STBX became a nicer person and not a liar or cheater.
I don't know why this feels so hard for me when we have been IHS for almost a year now
It feels really uncomfortable, this change, and I hate feeling like this.
I really hope I find my footing and stability soon. It's been a long time since I've felt ok.
13 comments posted: Thursday, August 13th, 2020
Hanging on by a thread
I am sitting here forcing myself to work with tears running down my face. I cried the whole 30 minute drive in too. This morning me and STBX got into it. Basically he is blaming me for where the M is at, but he didn't stop there he berated me saying I have done nothing to help out. That's all I do is help out I keep the household running, take care of the kids and animals, work a very stressful job 40 hours a week. I know he is disordered and I shouldn't listen to any of it, but it's hard not to take it personally and I'm tired.
On the up side I found an apartment that I really like. I had to look for another way out because my renters won't be able to move until March 2021 and my current living condition with IHS is starting to break me down. Today I felt suicidal but I will not act on it nor will I hurt myself. My kids are too important than to have a mother that can't get her shit together.
17 comments posted: Friday, July 31st, 2020