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josiep

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs. DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

Photos - trigger, trigger, trigger

I was married to the Rat Bastard for 45 years. I met him when I'd just turned 18 so was with him my entire adult life until DDay. Short version of long explanation: I have photos on flickr, icloud, amazon photos, one drive and on countless flash drives, CD's, 2 external hard drives and 3 computers because I was so afraid of losing them and didn't really understand how to store them in a logical way so I just kept piling up storage upon storage. Some photos are backed up 6 or 7 times). For a few years now, I've tried to go through them and delete pics of and with him and black out his face if it's a photo I want to keep but don't want him in it. But then I realized I'd only deleted it from the device I was on. I'm preparing to dump them all onto the large external hard drive and run the duplicate file program so the end of the confusion/chaos is in sight but in the meantime, I still find photos of him here and there.

Anyway, yesterday, my DD, her mother-in-law, a friend and I were pulling up old photos and talking about out cute kids. This A.M. I went into my Google photos to find the picture of DD's first day of 6th grade (1986!) because she wants to see it and came across a whole slew of pictures of our family from the '70s & '80s. Birthdays, Disney World, first days of school, Christmases, etc. And I look at them and I want to feel nostalgic and warm about my life but I just can't because all I can see are his lying, soulless, self-centered eyes with the fake smile and how did I never notice it for 49 years? Or am I seeing something that isn't there because of how betrayed I feel? Maybe he was a good guy who went bad? How do we figure this shit out and decide whether we should enjoy our memories or avoid them?

And this is something people who haven't suffered infidelity can't grasp. The reach of it into our very souls is so crushing and saddening and infuriating and we can't escape it. We can't even look at old photos without realizing that our memories are now tainted and we don't know what to feel about our past: Was I happy or was I deluded? Oh, crap, did he actually hate being at the Graduation dinner? Here's a nice photo of us at the company picnic-oh, shit, was he having an affair then and was she there that day? Here's a picture of us on a cruise - did he love me at all then or did he just tolerate me?

I'm - holy cow, I was going to write that I'm about 5 years out now and realized it 5 years and 6 days to be exact. May 3 came and went without me remembering the anniversary. Now if I can just forget that the 50th anniversary of May 27, 1972 is right around the corner. Not sure what to do with myself that day - might just drink myself into oblivion. Which won't be hard - 2 drinks will do it but how long will that oblivion last? Will I have to have Alexa "remind me" to have another drink every 6 hours or so? What's the formula for staying drunk? So am I sad or am I angry with myself for wasting my life? But maybe I didn't waste my life - his life was definitely better for me having been in it even if he doesn't realize it and I was a great help to his parents and my kids are fantastic, wonderful human beings and so it goes and I don't think the wondering will ever end, at least not for someone like me who had it happen so late in life. People say to create new memories but at my age, even 2 or 3 years of new memories are a drop in the proverbial bucket. I'm pretty sure I'll be alone for whatever time I have left and I am sad about that because I wish I had someone to cook for and to talk to about the news and tv shows (I finished Ozark last night - oh my!!!) and sports and to travel with and, well, you get what I'm saying. I miss being connected to another human.

(And I'm ADHD and I have no routine and I REALLY need to live with someone so I stay centered, getting up within a 4 hour time frame everyday, showering at regular intervals (I DO shower but sometimes at night, sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the afternoons), fixing meals and eating at normal times, not making a sandwich at 10:30 for dinner cuz then I can't fall asleep and then I don't get up until 11 AM and by then it's hotter than Hades out there and I don't want to even open the door, let alone go anywhere. And why am I rambling so much? I need an increase in my meds. And I'd put a smiley face there but it's not really funny now that I think about it.)

Ah, Hell - sometimes we make progress and some days we regress, eh?

9 comments posted: Monday, May 9th, 2022

Financial advice needed for soon-to-be widow

This has been resolved and since no has responded, I'll remove my post.

(It was about a woman whose husband has only a few weeks to live and a drug addled daughter who has ruined her parents financially and I was trying to make a list of all the steps she should take now to protect what little she has left. But he's in a care facility now and the lady has gotten an attorney to deal with her financials. Thanks to anyone who read it and was thinking about it in the hopes of offering additional advice).

0 comment posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Glitter lives on!

My brain is finally starting to function again and so I've been cleaning out files and papers, etc. Last night I got all comfy in my recliner and went through the last 4 years of Christmas cards, including the ones from the S.I. exchange in 2018. It was great because although I'd read them when I got them, sitting and reading them at leisure and without a bunch of ugly stressors going on was wonderful. I also happened to watch the last 2 episodes of Call the Midwife and have so say, I ended the evening with lots of tear-eyed moments but for the first time in a very long, they were tears of empathy and joy and peace.

But, not sure why I wrote all that because what I came here to say was I've got glitter all over my house. On the tile floor in the bathroom, on my easy chair, the end table, my phone and probably more places that I haven't noticed yet. So thank you all again who participate in the Exchange and I'm really hoping I can get my act together to do it again this year.

Who knew that the fun of it could last for so long????

1 comment posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Their "love story" has given them celebrity status

I thought being abruptly discarded and dismissed after 49 years of being together, when I thought we were fine, and then refusing to acknowledge that I exist, was the worst possible thing that could happen to me. Well, no it wasn't. They are now TikTok celebrities! And have been for quite awhile but I didn't know about it until recently. And it's absolutely revolting to me to see hundreds of thousands of people swooning over them, celebrating them, even asking to be "adopted" by them because they're such great grandparents/parents.

And I have to admit, I used to fear exactly what has happened although I expected to see them on Oprah or Ellen or other show becoming famous with their remarkable love story @50th Class Reunion.

But I'm holding it together and I occasionally watch them because while he's enjoying the celebrity (always did need to be the center of attention), his eyes are empty and he appears very awkward and self-conscious and I'm honest enough to admit I sort of enjoy that as well as it reinforcing that I'm better off without him because the person he is now is not appealing to me on any level. I hope I'm reading it right and that he's feeling like a hypocrite for what he's doing. His wife's DD is an active TikTok filmer (?for lack of a better word) and creates the scenes and gives them their lines, etc. so it's not like he has any editorial control.

OK, I'm going to hit the "post message" button. I've reworded these sentences so many times, trying to be concise and tell the story, that I'm gonna be late for an appt. if I don't stop now. I've been wanting to share this for a couple of months but couldn't seem to write it coherently. Just another of those residual side effects of the Trauma.

Edited to add: As far as I know. I've let nothing that shows that I've even watched the videos and I sure as heck haven't commented - I'd LOVE to but I won't because I will not give anyone any ammunition to use to label me the bitter old woman. Nor have I told anyone I know that's he's on there.

34 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022

Their "love story" has given them celebrity status (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Monday, March 21st, 2022

Anyone have any idea what's wrong with my cat?

I'm getting a bit frantic here and thought who can I talk to about this. Well, that was a no-brainer, eh?

Anyway, back in November, my 7 yr. old rescue (had been abused) cat started sneezing, 2-3X/day and a couple of times, sneezed a small drop of blood. It seemed to go away and I was gone most of December and she stayed at my daughter's house and seemed OK. But after I got home, she was really congested in her left nostril. Took her to the vet. Had antibiotics. No change so they put her on allergy med. Those didn't seem to help and then she wasn't eating well and I went through every gyration known to mankind to get food in her, resorted to treats. Well, ended up back at the vet because she was lethargic, still congested, not eating, etc. I was beside myself, thinking I hadn't pursued it strongly enough. They did xrays and turned out she was badly constipated so they gave her an enema. She immediately was a lot better although still badly congested. They also did blood work and except that her calcium was one point over the normal range, it was all fine.

Vet suggested a CT scan so we booked the mobile unit for today. But last Thursday, she had some really strong sneezes again and the congestion went from sounding like a blockage to sounding "juicy" (for lack of a better word). So I called and asked if we could postpone the CT scan for a couple of days, that maybe she'd had something up her nose and that sneezing had dislodged it.

So, Murphy's Law is alive and well because over the weekend, her appetite is off again and I noticed her left eye is bloodshot. I woke up this A.M. and not only is it bloodshot, it's not its normal round shape anymore but sort of oval, like an almond.

The vet had originally guessed it might be a polyp in her nasal passage or a growth or even a brain tumor. I moved here from Ohio where I had access to The Ohio State Univ. Veterinary Clinic AND Medvet and I'm so out of my comfort zone, not knowing where to go or what to do. My vet is nice enough but I've only known her during this (I just moved here in July) and so I'm finding myself wondering if I should be doing something different.

The CT Scan will cost $1000-1500. Depending on what they find, we'll be referred to a specialist. So my mind is racing all over the place because what if the specialist wants to do their own tests? Will I have to pay again for a CT Scan?

And, of course, now I butt up against the other questions that I won't even articulate yet but how far do I go with all of this? But what if it's just something benign and can be fixed? I had a one-eyed cat for years and he got along just fine and I could do that again. But of course, I don't know if it will be something benign.

Any advice? Words of wisdom? Anyone know of a clinic like a Medvet near Orlando? I see there's a Medvet in Jupiter but do I drag her that far? How many trips? Is she in pain?

I hate being a grownup. And it's not helping that I'm having so many memories of 45 yrs. of visits to the veterinarian with my XWH and how much we loved our cats and dogs. And then my cynical side comes out and I think maybe he didn't love the pets any more than he loved me but was faking. And, well, please talk me out of all this mind ****ery.

19 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022

Draggo website

I've been using a website called Draggo to store all my favorite places. I love it because I can put them in categories and they're laid out very easy to see and find (I do genealogy so I love having so many categories).

It's been down for 3 days and I'm about to panic because I NEED my favorite places.

Has anyone heard anything about them? I'm so hoping it's just a software failure and they'll get it back up but I'm beginning to lose hope.

0 comment posted: Sunday, June 13th, 2021

Cell phone towers and garage doors

I hang out a lot with a young woman who lives nearby. She has a son, age 6, who I'm sort of a surrogate grandmother to.

Sonny is a bit different. No emotional maturity. Very naive about the world and doesn't quite understand that other people are people just like him. But he's super smart. Too smart.

The kid is smitten with garage doors. He videos mine going up and down every time he comes here. He wants to stand on my ladder (with me holding him steady) so he can watch the mechanism. He plays make believe garage door opening all the time. Stands at one end of my living room and slowly walks forward, bending his arms just like the garage door bends as it moves. He even makes the right noise.

Driving with him is insufferable because we have to look at every cell phone tower and discuss what kind it is. And if there are lights blinking, why? Then when he gets home, he pulls Google Earth up on his Ipad and shows us on the map where we saw each tower. Every broom, mop, rake and vacuum in my house is strategically placed against something so it stands upright making my first floor a cell tower heaven.

So, would it be possible to get really lucky and find someone among my 70,000+ friends here who would have any idea where I might be able to find a model of a cell phone tower or a garage door opener? These aren't exactly the type of things the toy companies make and his mother and I can't figure out how to make our own. She did buy him a picture of the Eiffel Tower to hang in his room but that's as clever as we've managed to get.

And, there is one more thing he's fascinated by: car washes. There are a couple of juvenile toy ones on the market but he's not fooled by them. He used to wrap himself in my drapes and spin around, pretending to be the spinning brushes. Another friend made a box with toilet brushes that you can spin and he can run his cars through it but of course, he's beyond that stage now and wants to really see one and how it's put together and how it works. His Mom created a car wash costume for him for Halloween by attaching strips of fabrice all over a pair of pj's so he could spin and look like a car wash. Anyway, a model of a car wash would also be a great find.

8 comments posted: Saturday, March 20th, 2021

Anyone get an Ikea kitchen?

I'm not quite sure what to do about the kitchen in my new house. I haven't sold my current home yet so my hew home is sitting vacant at the moment and if ever there was the perfect opportunity to revamp the kitchen, this is it.

I just love the European/IKEA kitchens. I like their cabinets and countertops and backsplashes, etc.

But I'm wondering about the quality and how it holds up. Have any of you put in an IKEA kitchen and if so, what do you think of it? And do you have any tips?

6 comments posted: Saturday, January 30th, 2021

I'm moving

I've been trying to write this post for weeks now but I can't seem to figure out how to say it. I think I've figured out why I'm struggling - it's because I'm very ambivalent about it all and not sure I'm doing the right thing. One minute I'm happy about it and the next minute I'm sad.

Anyway, my DD and her family are moving back to their old neighborhood here in FL. She and SIL will both work from home permanently with their jobs so they're packing in the ice and snow and heading back down here. They've got it all figured out and and part of their plan is for me to move near them. Which is a good idea actually. So I bought a one story house in their same neighborhood, about 3/4 mile away from their new house.

I'll write more later but at least I got that part out there.

The house I bought is nice enough but it's not what I wanted. It also needs a lot of elbow grease and updates. A widow bought it new and lived in it for 16 yrs. until she died so it's in good condition but she never did one thing to it so it needs painting, etc.

I'm struggling to get my current home listed with real estate. I just keep finding any excuse to not do the cleaning or the decluttering.

I can't afford to own 2 houses for very long so I need to work through this.

I'm either in the throes of depression still or I'm lazy or my sleep disorders (narcolepsy/hypersomnia and sleep apnea) are in high gear.

On a happier note, I got the first dose of the Covid vaccine this week so that's a positive toward being able to travel again.

I wish I had some friends to talk to and to help me sort all this out. I hate the Rat Bastard for isolating me from my former friends because I haven't managed to "un-isolate" and it's just not my normal self to not be surrounded by legions of adoring friends. :)

Anyway, anyone wanna come to FLA and help me clear out one house and fill up another? Free room and board - work until Noon and then beach, etc. the rest of the day....................

[This message edited by josiep at 10:01 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

6 comments posted: Saturday, January 16th, 2021

2 books I want to read

A friend posted an interesting comment on Facebook today and it led me to finding this book that I'm interested in reading. Has anyone read it and if so, what's your opinion?

One, None and a Hundred Thousand Paperback – May 15, 2017

by Luigi Pirandello (Author), Samuel Putnam (Translator)

And after I put that book in my cart on Amazon, an ad popped up for this book which also sounds very intriguing and I'd love feedback on it as well.

Diary of an Oxygen Thief (The Oxygen Thief Diaries)

By Anonymous

The description reads "Hurt people hurt people.

Say there was a novel in which Holden Caulfield was an alcoholic and Lolita was a photographer’s assistant and, somehow, they met in Bright Lights, Big City. He’s blinded by love. She by ambition. Diary of an Oxygen Thief is an honest, hilarious, and heartrending novel, but above all, a very realistic account of what we do to each other and what we allow to have done to us."

And that blew my socks off because that's exactly what happened to me and my XWH. And when I wasn't able to be blinded by that love anymore, he began to sink and then he met his old girlfriend who provided that for him and so off he went. I get it now.

0 comment posted: Wednesday, November 21st, 2018

Short story on Amazon

I just finished reading "Evidence of the Affair" by Taylor Jenkins Reid on my Kindle. I think it's part of the owner's library or maybe free on Prime, I can't recall.

Anyway, the story is very easy reading and sort of grabs the reader emotionally and although it ends in a way I didn't see coming, it was good in the sense that it stirred up some stuff in my head and now I can sort it out and maybe put it to rest instead to continuing to stuff it all.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, November 6th, 2018

When alcoholism is involved

There are many, many great books about alcoholism and it's partner, co-alcoholism, which has morphed into the term codependency.

Understanding the alcoholic can go a long way toward healing. In some cases, having the addict complete a treatment program and get sober can help the couple achieve R.

So I encourage any of the good folks here at S.I. who are married to someone who drinks, who used to be married to someone who drinks or who had a parent or grandparent who drank, to read the following:

Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet Woititz

I read it in 1983. I remember it as clearly as if it was yesterday. We had just moved to a little tiny town and I didn't know anyone. An old friend had called me because my life and my marriage were a mess and during the course of the conversation said that XWH was an alcoholic. I was aghast. Horrified. No, no way. Not him. He was never drunk. He didn't drink everyday. Every concept in my head of what an alcoholic says and does just wasn't him. But her husband had been my X's mentor, his boss, and they'd drank a lot together. Her husband had gone into treatment and was very involved in AA and she had started living the Al Anon program.

So after we talked, I sent the kids over to the neighbor's house and I went to the library. I looked in the card catalog (remember, it was 1983) and they had one book under the category alcoholism. So I took it home and sat down in my chair to read it. It was a Saturday afternoon, cold but sunny and crisp. There were so many things I needed to do, still hadn't even finished unpacking all the moving boxes. But by golly, I was going to set my friend straight and I was going to prove to her that she was wrong, that she was just caught up in what she and her family were going through and was projecting onto me. You know, sort of like one person goes gluten free and suddenly everyone they meet should do the same. And I was going to use a book to counteract her. So I sat in that chair and after the first chapter, began to bawl like a baby. That book saved my sanity and might have saved my life. I know it saved my family. And even though we ended up like we did, we had another 30 good years before we failed.

I won't say anything more but if there has ever been any drinking by people in your life, I encourage you to read this book. It changed my life and I can't recommend it enough. And in hindsight, I think if I'd kept the concept of this book and what I learned in AlAnon closer to my heart, my marriage wouldn't have ended like it did 34 years later.

Janet Woititz has written several books and they're all excellent.

1 comment posted: Monday, June 11th, 2018

A fun read

Skinny Dip by Carl Hiasian (spelled wrong but you can google it) is a hysterical easy to read laugh out loud book about a woman getting revenge on her husband.

I don't want to say anymore than that but it's really, really good.

I love all his books but Skinny Dip is the one the good people of S.I. would all enjoy. Well, most of you anyway. :)

1 comment posted: Friday, May 18th, 2018

Help, please?

My WH is sailing off into the sunset with the love of his life and left his phone behind. He deleted a bunch of apps and I'm wondering if there's any way for me to figure out which ones he had and to re-install them?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, June 13th, 2017

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