Newest Member: 10yearson


BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

Need advice about mold under my vinyl plank flooring

I had vinyl plank flooring installed in my house about 18 months ago. It's a one story house, on a concrete slab (in FLA). The installer had removed the old plank flooring in the living room and put down a base of plywood to make the floor level with the back half which was tile floor (from my front door to the back patio door is sort of one big room, the "great room" notion).

Last Spring there was a spot that felt a little squishy when I stepped on it but a person I knew told me it was just from the concrete expanding and contracting with the cold weather. So I just let it go.

Recently it got way worse and one of the planks actually started to bow upward. At first I attributed it to the cold wave we'd recently had but when it got warmer, it didn't go back down. So I called the installer who came right over and took a couple of planks out and we found the plywood was warped and full of mold.

I'm not sure what to do next and was going to call my insurance company for advice because I just don't trust anyone these days. But then it struck me, ask the good people of S.I. so here I am.

No water has ever been spilled on that floor. Even when I mop it, I use a damp mop and then I wipe it dry with a microfiber cloth.

But even if water had been spilled, it shouldn't make it's way through the planks because they're that tongue and groove. The planks J. took out were not damaged at all and the edges were in perfect condition. The only issue with them was the mold that on the backs of them from the plywood.

It's not near any of the plumbing lines but the dishwasher isn't real far away so if there had been a leak, it could have travelled to the low spot and then sat. But that doesn't work in my mind because the area is no longer wet so I believe it was a one time event, not something that's still going on.

Any ideas? Advice?

Also, I'll Google it but I need to clean the area and am not sure of the safest way to do it. I've been spraying it with bleach water all weekend so I think the mold spores are probably dead by now but I still want to be careful and not get it in any of my vacuum cleaners or shop vacs, etc. I'm guessing I should just get on my hands and knees with a bucket of soapy water and wash it with a rag that I then throw out? (And I'd wear a mask).

13 comments posted: Tuesday, January 24th, 2023

Rant about staying neutral

I've been stewing about the people who stay neutral and don't want to take sides, hiding behind the old "Betrayal is something between the two of you and since I'm friends with both of you, I don't want to get in the middle." But the fact is, it is NOT between the spouses, it's an act that one spouse commits against the other. If my XWH had shot me, they wouldn't remain neutral because it would be obvious to them that it was a wrong action by the WS. So, why is it so easy for them to think that XWH betraying me the way he did was between him and me and not a wrong action by him against me????

This has such long reaching effects for the BS. Being held at arm's length by the very people they believe are their friends, their people, the ones they think love and cherish them, the ones they think they can count on, just isolates them even more. So now, not only have they lost the person they love, the system calls for them to often also lose time with their kids, their financial security, their pets, their home. And then society stands by while they lose the love and support of the extended family they gained when they entered the marriage and no longer receive invitations to parties, weddings, etc. of their mutual friends.

As a BS, it means they believe I was 50% responsible for the betrayal and is no different than them kicking me while I'm down. If WS had put a bullet in me, they wouldn't pile on and remind me that the gun fight was between him and me when truth is, he shot me as I walked in the door, unarmed, unprepared, unprotected.

So here we are, in a society that spends obscene amounts of money on weddings, wedding gifts, parties to celebrate the union of 2 people, toasts to their continued happiness, etc. and then if one of them betrays the marriage vows, it's just a shrug of their shoulders and the belief that it's a private matter between the 2 spouses at the same time they observe the BS curled up on the floor in the fetal position and the WS having their best life.

Ah, I'm editing and changing words and rearranging sentences and paragraphs and I'm just going to post it cuz rants aren't always neat and tidy, right?

Oh, and the other point I wanted to make is, if MY father had done to my mother what my XWH has done to me, I would write him off. Perhaps remain civil but I would not want a warm, fuzzy relationship with him and the woman who now stands at his side in Christmas, wedding and graduation photos. AND, when he left, he didn't know if his kids would allow him to remain in their lives but he did it anyway. He was willing to lose them. And I can say without an iota of doubt, I would never have cheated on my spouse, I would never have walked away from my kids and I especially would never celebrate his new and improved live.

This started churning in my head when I realized I'm going to spend Christmas with a bunch of people I don't share values with, including several WS's and AP's and I admit, I'm feeling pretty crappy about it.

15 comments posted: Sunday, December 11th, 2022

My heart just broke all over again

I don't know which forum to put this in so I'll start here.

Oh, Gawd, I can't even write it out. Short version: I moved to the same town as my daughter. I don't like it much but it got me away from living where we used to live together. My DD and her family plus our mutual friends here in this town have a cruise planned together over spring break. I didn't sign up because I really can't afford it and it's helpful if I stay here and take care of my DD's 5 pets.

When I discovered he was cheating, he left within an hour and hasn't spoken to me since. He married the OW and lives a thousand miles away. He and the kids stay in touch but don't see each other a lot and neither of them have met the new wifetress.

DD just called to tell me that XWH and his wife are joining them on the cruise. I lost my mind. DD just keeps saying she doesn't want to be caught in the middle. I'm beyond disappointed in her attitude; it would be one thing if she wants to have a vacation with her Dad and party with the new fun wife. I wouldn't like it but I'd live with it. But now she's going to take him on a cruise with all of the people I know here. On a cruise that I was still debating going on.

To add another knife to my back, XWH quit paying the spousal support about 6 months ago (long story I won't go into here) so now only is this happening, I'm paying for it in a way.

I don't know what to do. I really hate living in FLA anyway but I stay because I thought we had a good relationship. I am beyond gobsmacked and so devastated.

58 comments posted: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Anyone experience Tendinosis of Foot?

I've been struggling with a foot problem for about 30 years and now I have arthritis in it at as well and I'd really like to find an answer. I've been to Orthopedic specialists and podiatrists and they can't figure out what's wrong.

Short version: Broke left 5th metatarsal getting thrown out of a raft in about 1991; wore a boot/cast, healed. About 2-3 yrs. later, I developed a pocket of fluid on the top of that foot. It restricted my movements, hard to describe but in my non-medically trained mind, the pressure from it was pressing on the nerves and my foot not only wouldn't obey my brain but it hurt like the dickens. Dr. DX ganglion cyst and drained it. It would occasionally begin to fill up again but he'd told me to massage it and wear a brace to squeeze the fluid out. I did and it worked. After about 10 yrs., no more issues.

But a few years ago, it began to act up again. No fluid but I described it as "something in the top of my foot feels like it got caught in the wrong spot and now it can't get loose." It would happen every now and then and I'd just walk on my heel until it released, usually a matter or hours, never for more than a day.

In Feb, 2020, I went on a cruise and my left foot had a huge, I mean really huge, pocket of fluid on the top. I could only wear flip flops but that's all I usually wear because I can't ever stand to have a shoe on that covers the top of my foot. I bought $200 sneakers and then added a $50 insert so I could take walks but after an hour, I'd be miserable and take them off.

Gee whiz, now that I write all that, I can see I should have put all the pieces to this puzzles together a long time ago!

Anyway, after the cruise I hobbled in to my podiatrist. He drained it (clear liquid like water, not gelatinous like ganglion cysts usually are), wrapped it tight and had me come back a week later. It filled up again. he drained it again. The 3rd time he drained it, he simply stretched the spot to open the little incision and the fluid shot out like a rocket, sprayed 8 ft. up the wall which was pretty funny but I digress. 5 times he drained it and then ordered an MRI which revealed nothing.

So I've just been putting up with it but after I moved, I went to a new doctor up here, an orthopedic foot specialist. She examined it, took an xray and sent me off with no answers. I do have a lot of stiffness in both feet at this point and end up walking like a penguin after I've been sitting, until they loosen up. So I think the doc ascribed my problem to said arthritis and that's so frustrating because they just don't listen when we explain things.

Just got back from a family trip where my foot was a hassle the whole week so I sat down and googled "pictures of tendons in the feet" and I think the problem is with the one tendon so I read about it and came across an article about tendinosis (as opposed to tendinitis) and how it's a chronic thing because it's do to damage rather than inflammation and so now I have a kazillion questions like maybe I injured that tendon when I broke the foot in 1991? I'd sure like to get some answers; even if it's a permanent condition, I'd at least like to know so I can quit spending time trying to figure it out. And I'd really love some suggestions about how to prevent a flare up.

So, ify ou've read this far, thank you! Any thoughts, recommendations, ideas, etc. a very welcome.

2 comments posted: Saturday, July 30th, 2022

Anyone up for making a Limerick?

I have this bright idea but have developed writer's block so if anyone wants to join in, I'd be every so grateful.

I'm going to my XWH's cousin's 80th birthday celebration/Family Reunion of the cousins in Rhode Island in September. We have a lot of fun and play crazy games and do antics and have a talent show over a period of 5 days. This particular cousin lives on the Naragansett Bay. Originally from a small farming community in Iowa. Studied to be a nurse and met her future husband at the chiropractic school next door. Has lived in R.I. for 57 years now and adapted quite well to the culture there. Her husband was a chiropractor and she was an R.N. His parents had a house with a large lot on the water so they divided the lot and let J&E build a house next door. Which they did, with their own 2 hands, working nights and weekends. Hubby was also a lobster-fisher-man and had strong ties to the rustic fishing community - just like the ones you see in the movies. Sadly, he passed away just a few months after he retired.

Their son is married and has 2 children, built a house next door to hers.

She skis in New Hampshire, stays up there most of the winter. She sails and goes clamming. She has canoes and kayaks.

On a personal note, she dresses very tailored style, in very high quality clothes. She wears little makeup and has naturally curly hair that she washes, sort of arranges with her fingers and away she goes, riding her bike to town. So it's hard to call her glamorous but she sort of is. I suppose it's more about the way she carries herself, I guess.

So here's what I've got so far:

There once was a gal in Naragansett
Who very early on swore off her corset.
She grew up loving corn but then fell in love with........

0 comment posted: Saturday, July 30th, 2022

Photos - trigger, trigger, trigger

I was married to the Rat Bastard for 45 years. I met him when I'd just turned 18 so was with him my entire adult life until DDay. Short version of long explanation: I have photos on flickr, icloud, amazon photos, one drive and on countless flash drives, CD's, 2 external hard drives and 3 computers because I was so afraid of losing them and didn't really understand how to store them in a logical way so I just kept piling up storage upon storage. Some photos are backed up 6 or 7 times). For a few years now, I've tried to go through them and delete pics of and with him and black out his face if it's a photo I want to keep but don't want him in it. But then I realized I'd only deleted it from the device I was on. I'm preparing to dump them all onto the large external hard drive and run the duplicate file program so the end of the confusion/chaos is in sight but in the meantime, I still find photos of him here and there.

Anyway, yesterday, my DD, her mother-in-law, a friend and I were pulling up old photos and talking about out cute kids. This A.M. I went into my Google photos to find the picture of DD's first day of 6th grade (1986!) because she wants to see it and came across a whole slew of pictures of our family from the '70s & '80s. Birthdays, Disney World, first days of school, Christmases, etc. And I look at them and I want to feel nostalgic and warm about my life but I just can't because all I can see are his lying, soulless, self-centered eyes with the fake smile and how did I never notice it for 49 years? Or am I seeing something that isn't there because of how betrayed I feel? Maybe he was a good guy who went bad? How do we figure this shit out and decide whether we should enjoy our memories or avoid them?

And this is something people who haven't suffered infidelity can't grasp. The reach of it into our very souls is so crushing and saddening and infuriating and we can't escape it. We can't even look at old photos without realizing that our memories are now tainted and we don't know what to feel about our past: Was I happy or was I deluded? Oh, crap, did he actually hate being at the Graduation dinner? Here's a nice photo of us at the company picnic-oh, shit, was he having an affair then and was she there that day? Here's a picture of us on a cruise - did he love me at all then or did he just tolerate me?

I'm - holy cow, I was going to write that I'm about 5 years out now and realized it 5 years and 6 days to be exact. May 3 came and went without me remembering the anniversary. Now if I can just forget that the 50th anniversary of May 27, 1972 is right around the corner. Not sure what to do with myself that day - might just drink myself into oblivion. Which won't be hard - 2 drinks will do it but how long will that oblivion last? Will I have to have Alexa "remind me" to have another drink every 6 hours or so? What's the formula for staying drunk? So am I sad or am I angry with myself for wasting my life? But maybe I didn't waste my life - his life was definitely better for me having been in it even if he doesn't realize it and I was a great help to his parents and my kids are fantastic, wonderful human beings and so it goes and I don't think the wondering will ever end, at least not for someone like me who had it happen so late in life. People say to create new memories but at my age, even 2 or 3 years of new memories are a drop in the proverbial bucket. I'm pretty sure I'll be alone for whatever time I have left and I am sad about that because I wish I had someone to cook for and to talk to about the news and tv shows (I finished Ozark last night - oh my!!!) and sports and to travel with and, well, you get what I'm saying. I miss being connected to another human.

(And I'm ADHD and I have no routine and I REALLY need to live with someone so I stay centered, getting up within a 4 hour time frame everyday, showering at regular intervals (I DO shower but sometimes at night, sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the afternoons), fixing meals and eating at normal times, not making a sandwich at 10:30 for dinner cuz then I can't fall asleep and then I don't get up until 11 AM and by then it's hotter than Hades out there and I don't want to even open the door, let alone go anywhere. And why am I rambling so much? I need an increase in my meds. And I'd put a smiley face there but it's not really funny now that I think about it.)

Ah, Hell - sometimes we make progress and some days we regress, eh?

9 comments posted: Monday, May 9th, 2022

Financial advice needed for soon-to-be widow

This has been resolved and since no has responded, I'll remove my post.

(It was about a woman whose husband has only a few weeks to live and a drug addled daughter who has ruined her parents financially and I was trying to make a list of all the steps she should take now to protect what little she has left. But he's in a care facility now and the lady has gotten an attorney to deal with her financials. Thanks to anyone who read it and was thinking about it in the hopes of offering additional advice).

0 comment posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Glitter lives on!

My brain is finally starting to function again and so I've been cleaning out files and papers, etc. Last night I got all comfy in my recliner and went through the last 4 years of Christmas cards, including the ones from the S.I. exchange in 2018. It was great because although I'd read them when I got them, sitting and reading them at leisure and without a bunch of ugly stressors going on was wonderful. I also happened to watch the last 2 episodes of Call the Midwife and have so say, I ended the evening with lots of tear-eyed moments but for the first time in a very long, they were tears of empathy and joy and peace.

But, not sure why I wrote all that because what I came here to say was I've got glitter all over my house. On the tile floor in the bathroom, on my easy chair, the end table, my phone and probably more places that I haven't noticed yet. So thank you all again who participate in the Exchange and I'm really hoping I can get my act together to do it again this year.

Who knew that the fun of it could last for so long????

1 comment posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Their "love story" has given them celebrity status (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Monday, March 21st, 2022

Anyone have any idea what's wrong with my cat?

I'm getting a bit frantic here and thought who can I talk to about this. Well, that was a no-brainer, eh?

Anyway, back in November, my 7 yr. old rescue (had been abused) cat started sneezing, 2-3X/day and a couple of times, sneezed a small drop of blood. It seemed to go away and I was gone most of December and she stayed at my daughter's house and seemed OK. But after I got home, she was really congested in her left nostril. Took her to the vet. Had antibiotics. No change so they put her on allergy med. Those didn't seem to help and then she wasn't eating well and I went through every gyration known to mankind to get food in her, resorted to treats. Well, ended up back at the vet because she was lethargic, still congested, not eating, etc. I was beside myself, thinking I hadn't pursued it strongly enough. They did xrays and turned out she was badly constipated so they gave her an enema. She immediately was a lot better although still badly congested. They also did blood work and except that her calcium was one point over the normal range, it was all fine.

Vet suggested a CT scan so we booked the mobile unit for today. But last Thursday, she had some really strong sneezes again and the congestion went from sounding like a blockage to sounding "juicy" (for lack of a better word). So I called and asked if we could postpone the CT scan for a couple of days, that maybe she'd had something up her nose and that sneezing had dislodged it.

So, Murphy's Law is alive and well because over the weekend, her appetite is off again and I noticed her left eye is bloodshot. I woke up this A.M. and not only is it bloodshot, it's not its normal round shape anymore but sort of oval, like an almond.

The vet had originally guessed it might be a polyp in her nasal passage or a growth or even a brain tumor. I moved here from Ohio where I had access to The Ohio State Univ. Veterinary Clinic AND Medvet and I'm so out of my comfort zone, not knowing where to go or what to do. My vet is nice enough but I've only known her during this (I just moved here in July) and so I'm finding myself wondering if I should be doing something different.

The CT Scan will cost $1000-1500. Depending on what they find, we'll be referred to a specialist. So my mind is racing all over the place because what if the specialist wants to do their own tests? Will I have to pay again for a CT Scan?

And, of course, now I butt up against the other questions that I won't even articulate yet but how far do I go with all of this? But what if it's just something benign and can be fixed? I had a one-eyed cat for years and he got along just fine and I could do that again. But of course, I don't know if it will be something benign.

Any advice? Words of wisdom? Anyone know of a clinic like a Medvet near Orlando? I see there's a Medvet in Jupiter but do I drag her that far? How many trips? Is she in pain?

I hate being a grownup. And it's not helping that I'm having so many memories of 45 yrs. of visits to the veterinarian with my XWH and how much we loved our cats and dogs. And then my cynical side comes out and I think maybe he didn't love the pets any more than he loved me but was faking. And, well, please talk me out of all this mind ****ery.

19 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022

I'm moving

I've been trying to write this post for weeks now but I can't seem to figure out how to say it. I think I've figured out why I'm struggling - it's because I'm very ambivalent about it all and not sure I'm doing the right thing. One minute I'm happy about it and the next minute I'm sad.

Anyway, my DD and her family are moving back to their old neighborhood here in FL. She and SIL will both work from home permanently with their jobs so they're packing in the ice and snow and heading back down here. They've got it all figured out and and part of their plan is for me to move near them. Which is a good idea actually. So I bought a one story house in their same neighborhood, about 3/4 mile away from their new house.

I'll write more later but at least I got that part out there.

The house I bought is nice enough but it's not what I wanted. It also needs a lot of elbow grease and updates. A widow bought it new and lived in it for 16 yrs. until she died so it's in good condition but she never did one thing to it so it needs painting, etc.

I'm struggling to get my current home listed with real estate. I just keep finding any excuse to not do the cleaning or the decluttering.

I can't afford to own 2 houses for very long so I need to work through this.

I'm either in the throes of depression still or I'm lazy or my sleep disorders (narcolepsy/hypersomnia and sleep apnea) are in high gear.

On a happier note, I got the first dose of the Covid vaccine this week so that's a positive toward being able to travel again.

I wish I had some friends to talk to and to help me sort all this out. I hate the Rat Bastard for isolating me from my former friends because I haven't managed to "un-isolate" and it's just not my normal self to not be surrounded by legions of adoring friends. :)

Anyway, anyone wanna come to FLA and help me clear out one house and fill up another? Free room and board - work until Noon and then beach, etc. the rest of the day....................

[This message edited by josiep at 10:01 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

6 comments posted: Saturday, January 16th, 2021

2 books I want to read

A friend posted an interesting comment on Facebook today and it led me to finding this book that I'm interested in reading. Has anyone read it and if so, what's your opinion?

One, None and a Hundred Thousand Paperback – May 15, 2017

by Luigi Pirandello (Author), Samuel Putnam (Translator)

And after I put that book in my cart on Amazon, an ad popped up for this book which also sounds very intriguing and I'd love feedback on it as well.

Diary of an Oxygen Thief (The Oxygen Thief Diaries)

By Anonymous

The description reads "Hurt people hurt people.

Say there was a novel in which Holden Caulfield was an alcoholic and Lolita was a photographer’s assistant and, somehow, they met in Bright Lights, Big City. He’s blinded by love. She by ambition. Diary of an Oxygen Thief is an honest, hilarious, and heartrending novel, but above all, a very realistic account of what we do to each other and what we allow to have done to us."

And that blew my socks off because that's exactly what happened to me and my XWH. And when I wasn't able to be blinded by that love anymore, he began to sink and then he met his old girlfriend who provided that for him and so off he went. I get it now.

0 comment posted: Wednesday, November 21st, 2018

Short story on Amazon

I just finished reading "Evidence of the Affair" by Taylor Jenkins Reid on my Kindle. I think it's part of the owner's library or maybe free on Prime, I can't recall.

Anyway, the story is very easy reading and sort of grabs the reader emotionally and although it ends in a way I didn't see coming, it was good in the sense that it stirred up some stuff in my head and now I can sort it out and maybe put it to rest instead to continuing to stuff it all.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, November 6th, 2018

When alcoholism is involved

There are many, many great books about alcoholism and it's partner, co-alcoholism, which has morphed into the term codependency.

Understanding the alcoholic can go a long way toward healing. In some cases, having the addict complete a treatment program and get sober can help the couple achieve R.

So I encourage any of the good folks here at S.I. who are married to someone who drinks, who used to be married to someone who drinks or who had a parent or grandparent who drank, to read the following:

Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet Woititz

I read it in 1983. I remember it as clearly as if it was yesterday. We had just moved to a little tiny town and I didn't know anyone. An old friend had called me because my life and my marriage were a mess and during the course of the conversation said that XWH was an alcoholic. I was aghast. Horrified. No, no way. Not him. He was never drunk. He didn't drink everyday. Every concept in my head of what an alcoholic says and does just wasn't him. But her husband had been my X's mentor, his boss, and they'd drank a lot together. Her husband had gone into treatment and was very involved in AA and she had started living the Al Anon program.

So after we talked, I sent the kids over to the neighbor's house and I went to the library. I looked in the card catalog (remember, it was 1983) and they had one book under the category alcoholism. So I took it home and sat down in my chair to read it. It was a Saturday afternoon, cold but sunny and crisp. There were so many things I needed to do, still hadn't even finished unpacking all the moving boxes. But by golly, I was going to set my friend straight and I was going to prove to her that she was wrong, that she was just caught up in what she and her family were going through and was projecting onto me. You know, sort of like one person goes gluten free and suddenly everyone they meet should do the same. And I was going to use a book to counteract her. So I sat in that chair and after the first chapter, began to bawl like a baby. That book saved my sanity and might have saved my life. I know it saved my family. And even though we ended up like we did, we had another 30 good years before we failed.

I won't say anything more but if there has ever been any drinking by people in your life, I encourage you to read this book. It changed my life and I can't recommend it enough. And in hindsight, I think if I'd kept the concept of this book and what I learned in AlAnon closer to my heart, my marriage wouldn't have ended like it did 34 years later.

Janet Woititz has written several books and they're all excellent.

1 comment posted: Monday, June 11th, 2018

A fun read

Skinny Dip by Carl Hiasian (spelled wrong but you can google it) is a hysterical easy to read laugh out loud book about a woman getting revenge on her husband.

I don't want to say anymore than that but it's really, really good.

I love all his books but Skinny Dip is the one the good people of S.I. would all enjoy. Well, most of you anyway. :)

1 comment posted: Friday, May 18th, 2018

Help, please?

My WH is sailing off into the sunset with the love of his life and left his phone behind. He deleted a bunch of apps and I'm wondering if there's any way for me to figure out which ones he had and to re-install them?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, June 13th, 2017

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