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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

This has been very painful. In early May, found out my husband cheated on me. I suspected of his infidelity when he told me he was unhappy in the marriage (totally blindsided). In early June, he passed away. Shortly after his death. I found even more details of his infidelity - from text messages to explicit video footage. I was with my husband for 10+ yrs. When I confronted him about it, he obviously denied it. But I knew plus I had evidence (even video footage of him having sex with this girl. How sick??). I even spoke to the AP before I confronted him, which proved everything. She tried to deny and claimed they were just friends. He was paying her rent, taking her to restaurants, paying for her kids and more. I saw text messages to his so-called female friends, where he would portray himself as a victim in this marriage to get sympathy. These are female he has inappropriate conversations with or he has slept with. He was trying to smear me. He would these females intimate details about our marriage (mostly about our lack of intimacy). During our marriage I suffered a lot of emotional abuse (as well as physical abuse on two occassions). I never had a voice in our relationship. I believe my husband was a narcissist. Now that he died, I’m left with a big hole in my heart. According to his text messages, he loved this other person and it sounded like he was planning to leave me and our children. So many unanswered questions and accountability. I’m trying to figure out how to move on.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8741813
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

I would ask a mod to move this to JFO (Just Found Out). Even though your WS has passed you did just find out about the depth of the infidelity and you will likely get more and better responses in JFO than you will here in NB.

I am so sorry you're hurting right now. It's a special kind of awful when the WS has passed away around your dday too.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3513   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8741818
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:20 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

Agree with Ellie’s suggestion. Please read in the healing library and the bullseyed posts in the JFO forum. There are a couple others here how have had the same experience and hopefully they will come along and offer their perspective. But regardless, you need to heal the same as any BS.

(((Hugs)))

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4883   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8741834
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 10:09 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

  Moving to Just Found Out

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8741847
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 10:56 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

Thank you. I’m new here and wasn’t sure where I was posting. I appreciate the support

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8741852
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

Was his death sudden or had he been ill? How old are your children? Is the estate settled or are you still sorting through every thing?

I’m just asking for these details so I (and others) can give you advice on what’s appropriate for your situation. Also, if he had affair skeletons in the closet, I’m concerned he might have other secrets he’s keeping, too.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8741853
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 11:10 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

I believe my husband was a narcissist.
....
According to his text messages, he loved this other person and it sounded like he was planning to leave me and our children. So many unanswered questions and accountability. I’m trying to figure out how to move on.

If he was a narcissist, he only loved himself. He was buying AP attention. You have to remember his unfaithfulness was about him. Not you. Take care of yourself and your children.

posts: 1263   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8741854
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 12:02 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Ebz- so sorry you found yourself here on the best "club" NO ONE want to join.

There are some other BS (betrayed spouses) who went through similar circumstances, and I do hope they will come and post and share their healing journeys with you.

Your WS (wayward spouse, or WH for wayward husband) choosing to engage in infidelity has NOTHING to do with you or how you behaved. You were in the same M (marriage) but did not cheat. I think that piece can be hard for many of us BS to really understand. Grieving both the physical loss of your spouse and the emotional loss of the spouse you thought/hoped to be married to is rough.

I'm so sorry you had to see video evidence. That can add another layer of healing.

Odd as it may seem, even those of us whose WS did not pass away struggle with the unanswered questions and accountability, that is another piece we all must come to terms with.

We at SI are here to support you. This forum has been instrumental for me and my healing journey, and I hope we can help in yours.

Hugs!

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3824   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8741856
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 12:11 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Thank you for your support.

He died of sudden heart attack. He was 40. He had a heart situation before a few years back and had to have surgery.

He was at an event in another state with his AP when this happened. He called me from the hospital to tell me what’s going on but told me not to come (the AP was with him)

We have two children together. Both are teens.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8741857
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

I’m so sorry you had to find us. There are so many pieces to this puzzle that you will never get. But please understand this was not about you. This was a broken person that looked outside the marriage to find something that was missing within him.

You are safe here and will get all the support you need. Again so sorry for you are going through this.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1633   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8741858
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 12:20 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Thank you so much.

I’m really trying but it’s been so painful and hard to understand.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8741859
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 12:31 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Ebz
I am truly so sorry you are in this situation
It is probably the most painful thing you’ve experienced. I can’t even imagine all the emotions you must be feeling.
Please believe that your husband’s infidelity had nothing to do with you. I know this is so so hard to comprehend. I struggled with it for a very long time-until it clicked one day. You will get there as well.
Please find yourself a good therapist who can help you process your grief and all of your feelings
Please try to take care of yourself. I know it is not easy. But even if it means doing just one thing-like drinking a glass of water.
Reading up on narcissism will help you a lot. Dr. Ramani has very good videos on YouTube. They opened my eyes and helped me on the road to healing.
You are valued. You are loved. You are precious.
Your husband was a broken man. You are going to be ok. Lean on the folks here. They are the most generous and kind people you will meet without actually meeting them.

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 307   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8741860
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 12:35 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Very sorry you are here, but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library. Please access IC to help you process the trauma. You are dealing with conflicting emotions: grief at the passing of you WH, and devastation and pain at the revelation he was unfaithful and betrayed you while living a double life. Most importantly take care of you. Get support from family or close friends. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster going from sadness to anger and back again. Know that you are not alone. Also know that your life is real, and your children are real. Your WH was the fake. Strength to you moving forward.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3211   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8741861
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 1:26 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Hey Ebz40, what you are experiencing is called complicated grief because not only are you dealing with your WH death but you also are having to come to terms with his infidelities and the fact that he wasn't who you thought he was. In time though, you will be able to separate these two situations into individual avenues to explore. Sorry to word it this way but can't think of any other way to explain what I am trying to tell you for now.


He was at an event in another state with his AP when this happened. He called me from the hospital to tell me what’s going on but told me not to come (the AP was with him)

I am going to refrain from saying anything negative for now but what a horrible thing he did to you and your kid's! On my WH deathbed, he was flirting with the nurses! How humiliating is that?!?! And yes, I had to take it because he was so sick! And I didn't want to argue about it.

Anyway, right now everything feels extremely intense. To be expected. You will go through lots of emotional highs and lows as you learn to adjust to your new discoveries and your new life. But I will say that in time the emotions will calm down, and everything will become clearer to you and you will begin to see your deceased WH in a different light.

I am two years out from my deceased WH death. The first year was horrible! I spent most of my time in bed because I could barely handle the realization of what had just happened.

Just you do you. And don't allow anyone to tell you to get over it because of what he did to you. You will still need to grieve the death of your spouse and the death of your marriage. It's a rough road... just take it one day at a time. It is a sad journey but there will be peace on the other side of it.

In the beginning I would tell myself to just to try and make it through the day, sun up to sun down. It helped me out a lot! And also when you go into those very dark emotions, remember that your kid's still need you! You will just need to roll with the punches. There is no way around this except facing it head on and moving through it. And you will get through it.

Stick around here on SI. It's a great place to find comfort, support and understanding. They don't know it but I believe a lot of the support I received here saved my life.

Most here on SI don't understand the permanence of the death of a spouse but they do understand the pain of just finding out and infidelity! So lean into them because they will help you unravel the mystery of who your WH really was. And also will help you climb out of that deep, dark hole your deceased WH push you into. I'm so sorry about that.

Take care of yourself. I promise in time you will feel better and have so much more clarity in everything! ❤ But it will take some time to get to that point. Nothing about this will be easy.

Oh yes, I don't want to forget to mention that there are many grief sites out there on fb (or also in person). I found David Kessler's Grief Site to be a really good place. I also joined his private site where I get to watch a lot of one on one therapy sessions David has with others who have gone through the pain of losing a loved one. This has been so helpful to me. He has lots to offer, especially in the private group.

No hurry though in whatever you choose to do in the way of getting some kind of mental help. Took me some time before I reached out for help with my grief. I was so raw in the beginning after his death, I found it best just to try and breath.

I'm sorry you also have to go through this. So sorry. 😞

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8741866
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:08 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

EBZ,

Also suspect financial infidelity as well which you may need to protect yourself from.

Once the lies start they grow and grow.

My aunt for example found out that her husband took out a bunch of credit cards and maxed out on buying booze before he died.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8741869
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 2:30 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Thank you so much @hurtmyheart for the advice.

I sincerley appreciate it.

I’m so glad I found this site.

I truly hope I can find some peace. But right now, this is way too painful and I’m not sure how I’m going to cope. I feel like I’m dying on the inside

However you’re absolutely right, my kids need me. I don’t want to let them down.

My emotions are all over the place. Most of the time I’m angry, the next I’m sad, hurt, confused. Sometimes I feel guilt. I keep questioning if I could’ve done something better.

I can’t do this. This is so horrible. Why me? Why my kids?

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8741870
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 3:36 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Ebz40,
I’m so sorry for everything for you! Wow!

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8741875
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:55 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

I can’t do this. This is so horrible. Why me? Why my kids?

There is no explanation for this, it’s horrible!!! You will get through it, it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will get through it. It is the most crazy roller coaster ride of emotions you will ever experience, and I can’t even begin to imagine the loss of your spouse at the same time. Just breathe and process all the feelings and emotions, don’t bury it or hold it in, seek professional counseling.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1633   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8741879
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:04 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

I am so sorry for you and your children. You have been hit with not one but two very traumatic situations at the sane time. His affair. And his death.

Your children are hurting too. They need your help and support and maybe some professional grief counseling as well.

I don’t know how much they know about your H’s final hours and being with the OW — but if they do know — that is a terrible shock for them too.

You don’t have your H to confront and get answers regarding the affair. That is a disadvantage for you. So you are going to have to come to terms with this in your own. That’s a tough road both emotionally and mentally.

Please just do your best for now. Get your each day and eat well and drink plenty of water and go your best for your children. That is all you can do at the moment.

You can do this. You will do this. You will surprise yourself at times b/c you will survive this. I say this b/c I watched friends who lost their spouses on 9/11 who had children, and you don’t have the luxury of just giving up and not being present for them.

Saying prayers for you. Please continue to post here so we can support you.

PS don’t believe your H was really going to leave you. Cheaters say things to keep the affair going — meanwhile they have no intention of Divorcing or leaving. It’s a charade. A fantasy.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8741894
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 7:34 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Hi Ebz40,

I just wanted to say that there is nothing you could have done to make this better. He made that choice to do this to you and the kids. He knew what he was doing and you were clearly blind sided by it like nearly all of us on here.

You will be in alot of pain so please just let the plain flow through. You will feel sad and angry and you have every reason to be. You will question everything and thats ok. You wont get all the answers to your questions and thats ok too.

You will get through this. The trauma you are feeling is real and it will hit you in deepest part of your heart. You may need counselling for yourself and maybe for your children. This will help you come to terms with a lot of things. By talking to someone face to face this will help you process alot of the feelings.

It will take alot of time and you will recover. Please look after yourself and your children. Life is truly beautiful. You just need to start living.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8741897
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