Fear of Missing Out
My UH’s PA ended few weeks ago. Now he says he wants to R but he’s afraid that if he comes back to the marriage, he might miss out on the dating life. He’s genuinely torn between two worlds: marriage/family and bachelor life of dating (with sex, of course) So he’s working through his issues with IC. I am not interested in R with him at this time or possibly ever because clearly he’s not ready and I can’t seem to understand his FOMO.
What is this all about? Immaturity? Stupidity? Lingering effects of limerance? Midlife crisis? Late bloomer? Was this an exit affair?
6 comments posted: Wednesday, January 26th, 2022
Do the unfaithful suffer?
How much do they suffer?
How do their lives change?
Are they suffering like the BS? Are they in emotional turmoil like the BS? They had fun during the A and now they either have their spouse back or are out of the marriage having fun as a single person.
All the while, the BS is left with the devastation of A.
I would love to know what happens to the unfaithful.
49 comments posted: Wednesday, January 19th, 2022
Any of had EMDR treatments to help with PTSD from your spouse’s affair?
If so, did it work for you?
11 comments posted: Tuesday, January 18th, 2022
Why did you stay?
Curious to know why some of you decided to stay and work on R
Was it the right decision? Or would you have done differently?
61 comments posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021
Not sure if this is the right forum to post this question.
I believe my WH might have a love addiction. He has FOO issues as well.
Any of you here with spouses with love addiction?
What is the treatment for that and prognosis?
Did your WH get "better" and become faithful? If so, how?
Is there any hope for these folks?
2 comments posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021
Stupid intrusive thoughts about the AP
My WH and I are currently divorced and possibly considering R.
In the meantime, I am struggling with stupid intrusive thoughts about the AP
In my head, I know she's no better than me and I cannot compare myself to her but my heart keeps hurting at the thought of my WH desiring her and having spent months and months with her. She's attractive and very well dressed (expensive designer clothes) while I am more of an everyday ordinary woman. I can't even go Christmas shopping at the mall because when I see nice clothes in the windows I think of her. I wonder what she wore when she met up with my husband for their dates. I wonder what she wore when they were physically intimate. I can't help myself but keep going to these dark places. And I wonder what my WH thinks of me when he sees me. Does he wish I were more like her? I don't know what is going to help me. I hate them both. and this is one of the reasons I don't think I can R. How could I ever get over something like this?
7 comments posted: Wednesday, December 15th, 2021
Actions vs Words
Look at WS’s actions, not their words is an excellent advice.
My question is, which actions? How? What if the WS has learned from their mistakes of getting caught and upped their hiding game, became really good at sneaking around, taken their current or new indiscretions underground, and so on.
WS who shows affection, comes home when he says he will, calls throughout the day, allows BS to look through their emails, phones can still be cheating, especially if they travel for work, have odd work hours, and are good with technology, can hide/delete stuff etc.
Do BS have to be hyper vigilant and do detective work to monitor WS’s actions closely?
What has worked in your experience?
8 comments posted: Tuesday, December 14th, 2021
Who here was promised by WS “I will never cheat on you again” and got cheated on again?
I know cheater lie a LOT. I know they are good at it.
When WS appear remorseful and want to R and say "I promise to NEVER cheat on you again" how much trust can BS put on those words provided that actions "seem" to substantiate their promise?
How many of BS here on SI heard those words from their WS only to be cheated on again?
27 comments posted: Monday, December 13th, 2021
Being betrayed sucks the life out of you
I am about 4 months post DDay. I am a mentally strong and emotionally stable person but being betrayed has done a number on me. The trauma, grief, anger, all that shit.
I don’t want to be a victim but I can’t help going to the place where I feel like a huge injustice was done to me.
I was an innocent devoted spouse who didn’t do anything to deserve this
My WH and AP had fun at my expense.
They destroyed a part of me and I am trying so hard to recover but some days, i am filled with so much anger
This is ironic but I believe I can forgive because of my religious faith but I don’t know if I can get over the anger. Anger is so deeply rooted. I am most angry that what they shared should have been only between me and my spouse. His affection, vulnerability, and intimacy were not supposed to be given to anyone else. I feel trampled upon. I feel devalued. I feel raped.
But maybe once I fully forgive, anger will dissipate too.
I just wanted to vent. Thank you for reading.
15 comments posted: Friday, December 10th, 2021
I want to contact the AP
My WH’s affair recently ended. AP knew he was married she got involved with him. She doesn’t know I know about her or the affair. She dumped him shortly after WH and I legally separated. WH and AP are business colleagues and they will unfortunately continue to work together.
WH and i may or may not R.
However, I want to contact her (email, SM, snail mail to work) and let her know that I KNOW about her. I have a lot of hatred and anger toward her but my message to her will be just introducing myself. No threats. No foul language.
Is this a good idea?
10 comments posted: Sunday, December 5th, 2021
Is it easier to heal/recover if betrayed leaves infidelity?
Is the recovery and healing process for the betrayed quicker and easier if he/she leaves infidelity? If BS is no longer with the WS, does this help the recovery process? Does reuniting with the WS slow the recovery process for the betrayed due to triggers, fear of relapse, hyper vigilance, being in the presence of the perpetrator?
28 comments posted: Saturday, December 4th, 2021
Single women who sleep with married men
Who are these women and why would sleep with married men knowing the possible outcome?
My WH’s AP dropped him shortly after our marriage ended and gave him the excuse that she doesn’t have time for a relationship.
Do people like her ever feel guilty for what they’ve done?
I would love what you think of women who sleep with married men.
29 comments posted: Tuesday, November 30th, 2021
Should I tell my young adult children about WH’s affair?
My WH D 4 weeks. My 3 kids (ages 19-23) do not know why we D. That their father cheated and left to be with AP.
They never had a good relationship with their dad because he was selfish and critical of them.
1st question: Do I tell the kids the truth about their dad?
2 question: How did your children cope with their cheating parent?
3 question: What can I do to help my kids process the truth and cope so that they don’t have issues later in life?
11 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021
Being betrayed has made me an idiot
I am an intelligent and highly educated professional. I am also a rational and reasonable person who has lived a very stable life.
However, since DDay 8 weeks ago, I have become a total idiot. I behave in ways that are just stupid stupid stupid
I did the “pick me dance” for a few weeks (i am so ashamed!) until I said enough and demanded we don’t have any contact. We’ve D since. But in his mind, D papers are just legalese. He says he wants to reconcile but he just has to “figure things out” while he still carries on with the AP.
I am failing at No Contact… He would text me and say he’s been drinking a lot and can’t remember what happened the night before. Or tell me he wants to die. So I call him because I am worried about him. But on the phone he seems fine. He goes on to talk random stuff. I KNOW he’s preying on my kind heart. I KNOW he’s using me for emotional support when he’s not with AP and is lonely. But why the do I keep biting the bait? How do I stop this?? We have 3 children so we can’t completely be cut off from each other. I can’t believe I have turned into this person I do not recognize. So pathetic and I am beginning to hate myself.
15 comments posted: Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Feeling badly for the WS
My WH and I are D for 6 weeks now. DDay was about 8 weeks ago. It was a quick D process. He says he hopes we can R one day. I don’t know about that.
Anyway, I can’t help feeling so badly about him. I worry about him a lot.
He’s really messed up. Drinking excessively, depressed, missing days from work, wishing he were dead, etc. Seeing him this way breaks my heart. He is an intelligent, successful man who has made a complete mess of himself. I wish I could help him but I know I cannot. He is spiraling out of control and I worry something might happen to him. How to I proceed from here?
6 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021
Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
I am seeing here on SI that many WS have had more than one extra-marital relationships. So is it somewhat true that a cheater is more likely to cheat?
I think it is true because they loved how they felt during the affair so they would want it again and again. And also because they lack moral character, are disordered, etc.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
24 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021
Do cheaters get away with it all?
I would love to know how cheaters fare after they abandon their marriage and family, after D, after they marry AP, etc.
Do they go onto have happy lives? Do they get what they thought they were getting?
Of course, I would like to believe they go on to live miserable and pathetic lives. Please share stories of how your WS ended up after your D.
18 comments posted: Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021
When did you know to walk away?
So many of BS here seem conflicted after DDay. Many of us (including me) who believed cheating was a 100% deal breaker have second thoughts when they find out about their spouse’s infidelity. Maybe it’s shock? Trauma? Whatever it may be, it seems like our rational mind gets hijacked.
So my question is when/how did you know with absolute certainty to walk away? What made you say "I am done. I’m outta here?" And how did it work out for you and your cheater?
I want to get to that point and never look back because I find myself wavering back and forth like an idiot!!!
12 comments posted: Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021
How much should I say to WH?
DDay was about 8 weeks ago. WH has been having PA for 7 months. He says he would like to reconcile and come back to the marriage but he’s not sure. So in the meantime he’s still carrying on with his affair. I know, right??? Anyway, are now legally separated, split our assets, and I am receiving alimony & child support. My question is do i even bother to tell him how much he has hurt me? Does this dysfunctional person even have the capacity to hear what I am saying? Is he capable of understanding the damage he has caused me and the kids? I know it would make me feel better to get some things off my chest but I don’t want to waste my energy
12 comments posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021
How to move on
I am not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this. I am new on SI so i am finding my way around.
I need to move on from my WH but don’t know where to begin. I am financially separated from him now. We settled amicably. I know i should do self care, do things that bring me joy, spend time with friends, meditate, etc. but that’s just all head knowledge to me. I feel like my heart isn’t following my head. I became an empty nester two months ago when my youngest left for college. So this is a time of great transition for me. What has worked for you? What concrete things can I do to not think about the cheater and find courage to move forward? How do I stop thinking that WH could have a wonderful life? Maybe it was me that made him miserable? These intrusive thoughts are so toxic!
2 comments posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021
Is affair fog real? How long did it last for you?
I recently discovered WH’s 7 month affair and am trying to understand some things as I move forward.
There’s a lot of talk about the "affair fog" Is this just a cop out, and an excuse to get the cheating spouse off the hook for their behavior? How much of this should BS be patient with and try to be understanding of? It sounds like bull@&%$ to me. I’ve read a lot of articles but I would like to hear it from real people who have lived through it.
If some of you can share your experiences with your affair fog and how long it lasted, i would appreciate it.
19 comments posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021
Is affair fog real? How long did it last for you? (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021
Is affair fog real? How long did it last for you?
I use 'fog' as a shorthand way of saying, 'the WS willingly gave up their connection to reality.' It's absolutely NOT an excuse; again, I use it to save keystrokes.
Some BSes see it as an excuse, and there's no excuse. Some WSes and some new BSes who are only beginning to take in being betrayed use it as an excuse, and that's bullshit, as you suspect.
My suggestion is to look at the context it's used in. If it reads/sounds like an excuse, ignore or confront it; if it's used as shorthand, fill in the complete meaning.
0 comment posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021
Are there people who are faithful???
I am a BS D-day was 2 months ago. As I read on the internet about infidelity and how common they are, I wonder if there are folks who are actually faithful?? I mean clearly there are since all BS here on SI have been devoted and faithful spouses. But I still can’t help wonder…. What are the chances that I could meet someone in the future who is believes in commitment and actually lives it out?
I am losing hope!
4 comments posted: Tuesday, October 19th, 2021
Possible serial cheater or just confused?
WH would like to reconcile but doesn’t know if he can be 100% faithful because he wants to date other women. Therefore, he asked that I give him 2 months to think things through all the while carrying on with the AP. He says he needs to end it with the AP because she’s not right for him but he’s going to need time. He wants to end it the ‘right way” so that our reconciliation is successful and is trying to figure out the best way to do that. Ummm none of this makes sense. If he wants to reconcile, why not just end it with AP NOW? What’s with this ending it the right way, figuring things out stuff?
28 comments posted: Monday, October 18th, 2021