Newest Member: 10yearson


Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

Why do waywards say such stupid things?

I posed this question in the other post "stupid things waywards say"
I am quite perplexed as to why and how waywards say such outrageous things
Is it because they are in a fog and can’t think clearly?
Is it because they were always crazy/delusional/messed up people who had warped sense of reality?
What do you think?

3 comments posted: Friday, August 26th, 2022

Why are affairs more addictive than other romantic relationships?

WS here on the forum are honest to admit that their A was like an addiction. They tried to break free but could not. And when they did, they often go back to the AP.
What makes affairs more addictive than other romantic relationships? Why the "fog/limerance" in an A and not in other dating relationships?
I would love to hear the opinions of both BS and WS

17 comments posted: Saturday, August 13th, 2022

How does healing happen?

It’s been almost a year since dday and I am reflecting on my healing so far. I think time and distance from ex wh have helped reduce the frequency of triggers and emotional breakdowns. Will time and distance continue to help healing or is there something more I need to do? I am in IC and have returned to my normal daily routine now but can’t help wonder if there’s something more I should be doing.

6 comments posted: Sunday, July 24th, 2022

It’s not cheating if there is no sex?

Something 1st wife wrote about EA and cheater’s views on it got me thinking because my story is similar

Many years ago my ex had a year plus EA that involved few pecks on the lips, hugging, gift exchanging, movies, theaters, fancy meals, and thousands of hours spent together but no sex. He wanted to have sex with her but she wasn’t interested She just liked the fun and the gifts.

Therefore he claimed and still claims to this day that what he did was not cheating. He believes it is not cheating/affair if there is no sex. Let’s just say for the sake of the argument that there was indeed no sex between my ex and the woman.

So What are your thoughts on EA without sex? Are the betrayed overreacting?

And why do many cheaters believe so firmly that EA isn’t a big deal?

I ask these questions for many reasons but one of them is this. Because my ex didn’t think his EA was a big deal, he had zero remorse after DDay. He didn’t do anything I asked him to do to help me heal. In fact he continued to travel with her saying nothings going to happen. Therefore I built a wall and our marriage suffered. So I blame myself for his most recent affair and departure. I feel like if I had understood where he was coming from (EA= not a big deal) then maybe I could have dealt with it better. Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I should have been forgiving and put the effort into the marriage.

Then maybe he wouldn’t have cheated and left and I wouldn’t have to go through this immense pain.

19 comments posted: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Solo journey after infidelity

Friends and family whom I have confided in about ex’s affair and abandonment have not experienced it so they don’t really know what I am going through. And as a result I feel very alone in my struggles. They are supportive but they just don’t know…. Being on SI helps a lot but I wish I had real person interactions with those who have been affected by A.
Infidelity is one of those things people don’t disclose and openly talk about so this journey feels awfully lonely. I feel like I am living a lie by putting on a happy face when I am slowly dying inside.

15 comments posted: Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

Health insurance

Obtaining and paying for health insurance has been hugely stressful for me.
It will be at least another 14 years before i am eligible for Medicare. And I am not physically able to work full time. I’ve been a SAHM for 20 plus years and just went back part time.
Any suggestions?

4 comments posted: Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Why did you stay?

Curious to know why some of you decided to stay and work on R
Was it the right decision? Or would you have done differently?

61 comments posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021

How much should I say to WH?

DDay was about 8 weeks ago. WH has been having PA for 7 months. He says he would like to reconcile and come back to the marriage but he’s not sure. So in the meantime he’s still carrying on with his affair. I know, right??? Anyway, are now legally separated, split our assets, and I am receiving alimony & child support. My question is do i even bother to tell him how much he has hurt me? Does this dysfunctional person even have the capacity to hear what I am saying? Is he capable of understanding the damage he has caused me and the kids? I know it would make me feel better to get some things off my chest but I don’t want to waste my energy

12 comments posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021

How to move on

I am not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this. I am new on SI so i am finding my way around.
I need to move on from my WH but don’t know where to begin. I am financially separated from him now. We settled amicably. I know i should do self care, do things that bring me joy, spend time with friends, meditate, etc. but that’s just all head knowledge to me. I feel like my heart isn’t following my head. I became an empty nester two months ago when my youngest left for college. So this is a time of great transition for me. What has worked for you? What concrete things can I do to not think about the cheater and find courage to move forward? How do I stop thinking that WH could have a wonderful life? Maybe it was me that made him miserable? These intrusive thoughts are so toxic!

2 comments posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Is affair fog real? How long did it last for you? (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Possible serial cheater or just confused?

WH would like to reconcile but doesn’t know if he can be 100% faithful because he wants to date other women. Therefore, he asked that I give him 2 months to think things through all the while carrying on with the AP. He says he needs to end it with the AP because she’s not right for him but he’s going to need time. He wants to end it the ‘right way” so that our reconciliation is successful and is trying to figure out the best way to do that. Ummm none of this makes sense. If he wants to reconcile, why not just end it with AP NOW? What’s with this ending it the right way, figuring things out stuff?

28 comments posted: Monday, October 18th, 2021

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