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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

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HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

Your husband was the way he was. You have no control over him. There was nothing you could of done to change anything. It’s all on him. You still have a big part of your life ahead of you. You must stop looking for answers you will never get. That part of your life is over with.
You must start looking to the future

posts: 62   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8745256
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earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 9:02 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

I'm so sorry you are going through these issues.

This book might help shed some light on your WH and your life together - "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

And I'd agree that you should consider having someone you trust take care of financial issues related to WH, so that if there are any infidelity/AP related ones, they can be taken care now instead of coming up later.

Take care of yourself and your kids. None of his choices were things you could control.

I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8745306
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:23 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

I want to suggest one more thing:
Go find a local domestic abuse hotline. Call them and tell them about your situation. There are very often good, free therapy sessions available. Sometimes group sessions akin to AA. You would benefit SO MUCH by hearing what others have gone through and seeing the comparable aspects.

Infidelity and then death is VERY traumatizing. It's brutal.

I really do understand your pain you are experiencing. Infidelity is painful enough. And then to add death to the equation takes the trauma and pain to a whole new level.

You may want to consider getting on an antidepressant. It has helped me out so much. I also talk to a therapist once a week and frequently visit grief sites. SI is also a great place to find relief when I am feeling down.

I may also do what Bigger suggested and call the abuse hotline and try to attend some meetings. I want to rise above the depression and grief pain my deceased WH caused me and learn to live a good life again but it will also take some work and time to get there.

My deceased WH was a sex addict. He cheated on me on multiple occasions. He always told me about his escapades in the second person. I even questioned his faithfulness to me. He always told that me would NEVER cheat on me which today I know was a lie.

He also was an alcoholic and alcohol came first. He was emotionally abusive to me, especially when he had his girlfriends on the side. He would stay gone several day's a week in his room near his work. He had one life and then came home and had his other life with me and the kid's. To him this was his norm. To me it was shitty but unfortunately I didn't actually know he was doing this. I was in the dark because I could never believe that he could do this to me.

I remember telling my deceased WH a story about a man who also did this to his wife. I told my husband that was so sad that the husband could do this to his wife. I would also tell my husband other things pertaining to cheating and lieing. My husband never really had a response to the stories I told him about Infidelity. He stayed quiet. Now I know why because he had his own guilt and shame that he was dealing with.

He moved us to the boonies so that he wouldn't have to come home everyday and be a husband and a father. Having the distance between us gave him the opportunity to live a double life.

It is really sad what he did to me and the kid's. Broke my heart because I thought he was a great husband and father... until I realized he wasn't.

I was and still am so disappointed in him. I don't hate him anymore because hatred takes too much energy and sends me into darkness.
I don't need to go there anymore.

I feel sorry for him because of the choices he made. And like Bigger said, their choices aren't considered normal.

Sadly our husband's stories end here. There is no going back to try and make things right with us. And I also can agree with others when they have told me that God could no longer stand the pain that he was causing me. And I believe this.

I know that there is hope for me though to have a renewed life once again, I'm just not there yet. But in the meantime, I do things to help me to feel better while I wait for my life to get better once again.

Hopefully, in time you also will get to a better place and realize that your deceased WH behavior was abusive and inappropriate and his behavior belonged solely to him. Had nothing to do with you. In my case, I just wished that mine would have come to terms that maybe his feelings changed for me and instead of living the double life he chose, he could have set me free. But instead, mine chose the selfish cowards path that imo led him to his early death.

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8745315
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:36 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

I want to say one more thing. My deceased WH used to flirt with other women in front of me eventhough it would hurt me. Flirting with other women and hurting me I'm sure gave him another special kind of high.

Again, not normal.

I realize today that he was functional but obviously was mental.

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8745317
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 11:01 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Thank you for sharing your story @hurtmyhheart

I’m currently seeing a therapist twice a week. It’s still early days for me and my kids.

I understand what you mean when you said "you wish your WH would have set you free instead of living a double life". I said the same thing. I didn’t understand why my WH would keep me around if he was truly unhappy. I believe he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He was shocked that I found out about his infidelity (probably thought I was stupid).

I have all the evidence of his infidelity from his phone after he died. What I found on that phone has traumatized me on so many levels. I don’t know if I will ever heal at this time, but I sincerley hope I do.

I have daily dark moments, but my kids keep me from going there.

I know I didn’t deserve any of this. Nevertheless this is extremely painful. One of my friends also suggested anti depressants but im afraid to take it.

I think im coming to terms with the fact (from what I saw on his phone) that he was in love with this other person (or it could’ve been lust). One of his family members had shared a convo they had with him days before he passed that he was trying to get out of the affair due to being incompatible with this person and probably realized that he had a good wife. This doesn’t make me feel any better, if anything it makes me feel like I was his last resort since things weren’t working out for him

Anyway I’m taking it one day at a time. Inreallly appreciate everyone’s support

[This message edited by Ebz40 at 11:02 PM, Friday, July 22nd]

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8745965
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 11:05 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Thank you @harryd

I’m trying. It’s still early days (he died on June 1st 2022). Therefore I’m still trying to really process everything that has happened.

Nevertheless I agree with what you are saying and hopefully can get to this point

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8745966
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 11:06 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Thank you @earlydetour

I will definitely look into your suggestion. I’m just willing to try anything at this point. The pain is just unbearable.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8745967
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cass ( member #24261) posted at 10:27 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Ebz, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You've had great advice from truly knowledgeable folks who have walked in your shoes (maybe not dealing with both infidelity and death at the same time). They/we have survived it all and you will too but that doesn't help your pain right now. Time helps but that's no comfort when you're feeling such a depth of pain. It is very early days for you, not even two months.

Firstly you need to know that you WILL survive this, secondly that you will thrive and go on with your life and that that life will be without this current pain - when you're walking through hell, keep walking. Better, pain free days will come. Please hold onto that. Human nature is to survive and you will. If we on S.I. could do one thing for every person who turns up here in the depths of pain - it would be to wave a magic wand and take that pain away - but we can't. We can only be here for you every day, hour and minute to reassure you that you will get through this.

Previous comments are telling you the truth. You won't find the answers to 'did he love me' because ultimately one day it won't matter, you will recover and need to know that nothing of this is your fault or could be laid at your door. Your husband wasn't who you thought he was. All of us here have had to come to accept that our spouses were not who we thought they were. It's a very tough reality BUT you know yourself and know who YOU are, and YOU have a future ahead of you - hang onto that.

There are ways to help you deal with the awful overwhelming pain right now - some use anti-depressants, particularly in the early days, others learn the techniques of deep breathing, exercise (really helps), counselling, switching thought therapy (CBT), keeping busy, finding people who will listen and let you talk for as long as you need to. Emotional pain is draining, makes you not want to eat and can cause physical illness. I swam for miles, smashed old crockery into refuse points, punched cushions, lit candles and sat with my pain when I needed to. I drank too much wine, screamed at the moon, and cried rivers - whatever gets you through it, do it.

We are with you for the practical and the emotional, here for you and always listening and supporting.

DDay - April 2008
Me - 58 and doing great, alone.

Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket!

posts: 5187   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2009   ·   location: Scotland
id 8747073
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:06 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Your H did love you. You need to understand that live and being a good spouse has NOTHING to do with the affair.

It’s just a bad choice by a person who is missing a chip - monogamy for one, compassion for another, ability to choose right from wrong but above all, the ability to not be selfish and out their own wants first.

My h was kicking me to the curb for the OW. Funny thing is he would never leave. He thought he exited a D but when the time came, he realized he was in over his head and the affair was not what he wanted.

In any event your H lived you. He just had other issues.

I’m sorry for you. It’s been less than 8 weeks and you are doing everything you can. You should be proud of that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8747075
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 7:02 PM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

Should I erase all the evidence of his infidelities from his phone? (Videos, text messages and photos)

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8747778
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:08 PM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

I don’t know if you should erase everything.

Part of me says - YES! Erase the pain from your life.

Part of me says no b/c in the future you may want to see it again with a different t perspective. It may no longer get hurt you as much one day.

Maybe out it all in a folder or on a thumb drive and then erase everything off the phone.

You can always get rid of the thumb drive.

You just may need it one day. For a variety of reasons - like someone decided to contest the will or some OW alleged he promised her something. Those emails or evidence may be of use.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8747780
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:26 PM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

Should I erase all the evidence of his infidelities from his phone? (Videos, text messages and photos)

Make a copy and store it away. You never know what could come up in the future.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1633   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8747787
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 12:37 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

Ok. Thank you for the advice

This is very painful. My husband gave this woman everything. He was trying to be a hero to her and more.

I don’t understand why he would keep me around if he was that unhappy. Why he never said anything and instead decided to cheat on me. Apparently he found his soulmate. That was the most hurtful part. He even supported her kids and spent time with them like a father. Meanwhile we have 2 kids of our own.

As I think about it, I wonder who I was married to all this time. After he died, I found he cheated on me several times.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8747812
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:54 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

You will get through this. Trust me!!

You keep thinking he didn’t love you and he cheated b/c he was unhappy. I don’t think that is true.

He felt he needed to be the KISA - Knight in Shining Armor. It’s a syndrome. Google it. It fed his ego to "rescue" people and play the hero.

My H was the sane way. He was flirty b/c it fed his ego. He had an EA for 4 years b/c it fed his ego. He wanted to D during his second mid life crisis affair b/c the OW "needed" him and he believed I didn’t.

Because I was self sufficient in running our house, kids, working F/T while he traveled all over the world for his career. He didn’t need to "rescue" me like the drama Queen OW.

I read stuff my H wrote too. Funny thing is he’d tell me he wanted a D during his affair. I’d say ok b/c I knew I could not make him stay. But yet he’d never leave.

Your H was just engaged in this fantasy wherein he pretended to be something he wasn’t. He may have told these OW all kinds of lies. And made promises to them. Just know it’s all part of the fantasy of the affair.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8747815
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:33 PM on Sunday, July 31st, 2022

I 100% agree with 1st wife— Your WH had some major issues but that doesn’t mean he didn't love you. Your past is your TRUTH because you were honest and authentic. He loved the best he could- he just had some major issues— and he does sound like he has KISA.

It will take time to heal— it’s the worst 4 letter word. But you will get there. You really truly will.

Keep posting, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sending you support-

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4883   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8747830
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 12:36 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Thank you both for your insight.

Just to offer more details, he always told the OW he loved her. He even told her he was ready to leave me to be with her.

I remember when I confronted him about his cheating weeks before he passed, he denied it. He told me she was a friend and he was her support system. However he mentioned he had an emotional connection with this person. He even said to me "everything I have with her, I really want with you". Can you believe this?

This makes me question his love for me.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8747880
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 1:00 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

I found a fb group site that pertains to our situations. When you are allowed to message me, I will give you the name of the group.

I also felt that my deceased WH didn't love me either. Or at least his actions didn't insinuate love. But more so today, I think besides that he was an alcoholic and sex addict, his belief system was different than mine was.

He grew up learning that it was okay to objectify women. His dad and brothers set this example. They were involved with porn, strippers, making rude comments about other women. And in my deceased WH own words, they were pigs. His family's behaviors taught him that it was okay to step out of the marriage for a little sex and fun. These roots ran deep.

Grief is a journey. The pain doesn't go away but we learn to live with it. And it's okay to be not okay. Why would you be? You've been hit pretty hard with trauma. Not something any of us has asked for.

Time and understanding does help to ease the pain though but it probably will never completely go away. We just learn to live with it. And you will get into a better place in time. And a lot of your questions will be answered.

Try your best to just take things one day at a time as I also am doing.

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8747965
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 1:41 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

How did you find out that he cheated on you several more times?

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8747969
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 1:02 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Before he passed away, I found out from phone log records. After he passed away, it was confirmed further when I retrieved his cell phone. There were text messages, emails, photos and initimate videos (very graphic unfortunately)

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8748124
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

In cheating, actions trump words.

Your H was free to go at any time. But he didn’t.

Your H was free to be with the OW, but when confronted he lied and tried to downplay the Affair.

What stands out is how he really is/was a typical cheater. Pretending to be two different people to two different women.

He didn’t love you any less or love her anymore. It was all pretend IMO to d study his ego boost.

My H was THE SAME as your H (except no graphic sex as his was mostly anEA). But he lied and planned to kick me to the curb. Difference is he’s alive to tell me how much of a huge mistake it was. All of it.

And I would hope that had your H come out of the affair fog he would have felt the same way. And that he regretted it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748134
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