I truly hope I can find some peace. But right now, this is way too painful and I’m not sure how I’m going to cope. I feel like I’m dying on the inside
However you’re absolutely right, my kids need me. I don’t want to let them down.
My emotions are all over the place. Most of the time I’m angry, the next I’m sad, hurt, confused. Sometimes I feel guilt. I keep questioning if I could’ve done something better.
I can’t do this. This is so horrible. Why me? Why my kids?
Yes! Absolutely normal! Everything you are saying and feeling is absolutely normal! Everything you are feeling is spot on! Feel whatever you need to feel. I screamed, yelled, cried, said hateful things, thought I was going to die on multiple occasions, wanted to die on multiple occasions... the list goes on and those feelings are real! And intense! But in time everything begins to settle. Most importantly, allow yourself to go through this...
What I find fascinating is that there are millions who have died before us and yet these experiences of losing a loved one are so individual and so personal!
I have already lost so many family members and yet the death of my spouse floored me, turned my world completely upside down. Never felt anything like this before.
You get to choose how you deal with your WH death, just try to stay away from alcohol or drugs. But I did get on a prescription of an antidepressant. That helped me out so much. Exercise was a lifesaver for me, my family, friends and animals too. I am also talking to a therapist but I didn't reach out to her until about a year after his death. Take your time in whatever you choose for support. It will be there when you are ready for it.
Here are a few more thoughts to ponder... I agree with you, the stress of leading this double life probably did take a toll on him. And you will get your answers. And you can still talk to him because (now this may be too much for others to understand) he still CAN hear you.
Talking to him is part of your healing process. And as I said before, every emotion you feel is legitimate. Take in the positive help and get rid of the rest. Honestly, sometimes getting help too early on isn't very helpful because your emotions are so raw and all over the place. There are less invasive ways to get help like SI, finding a grief group with other grievers, family, friends to help you get through each day for now may be your best bet. Or maybe find a therapist who specializes in grief could be helpful. Do whatever works for you for now. And remember you do have lots of options and the options will be there when you are ready to accept help.
I promise you that in the end everything will come to light. You will have so much clarity, it is mind blowing!!! If it weren't so darn painful though... that is the hard part. Just be careful who you get your support from because most won't understand the depth of pain that you are feeling due to his death and infidelities.
When did you say he passed away? I will go back and look.
Remember, one day at a time, sun up to sun down. And sometimes you will need to stay in the moment while you are in those deepest, darkest of emotions.
Bigger is right on about the finances. There was one credit card debt that was forgiven for me because it had his name on it only (and I am pretty sure that he racked up some debt with his affair partners). I just left it alone. I didn't need to see the truth of what I already knew.
And don't let the financial institutions try to intimidate you. They know that you are in a VERY vulnerable state right now and may try and take advantage of you. Better to have an emotionally stable family member help you.
I am glad that your WH passed before he decided that he was moving forward to be with her. I hope that you will be well cared for the rest of your life (I am) and the last laugh will be on her (I hope that I said that right). I want you to be able to laugh at her for what she did to you and your kid's. She had no right being with your husband. And yes, he is the most guilty.
I hope she gets nothing out of this but sheer pain. She deserves it and I have zero sympathy for her. Trust me when I say in time this all will be important too.