Newest Member: zurichtime


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

The new site layout - let's give it a chance and appreciate what's going on!

I have noticed some unhappiness amongst some posters with the recent changes on this site.
Let me begin with saying I’m not in the loop as to what’s being changed, why and how, but based on my experience in IT and EBS implementation I can guesstimate why MangledHeart (MH) is making all these changes.

Web-sites, forums and such are created using some underlying platform. These platforms offer varying levels of services, features and support. It’s my guess that MH selected a platform back in the early days and built SI on that platform. Since then we don’t know how that platform has developed or even if it’s still supported. The IT graveyard is full of great products that were merged, updated, sold or simply didn’t survive the competition or stand up to ever-changing requirements. I’m fairly certain that the change is mainly driven by an impending need to change the very base the site was developed on/for. I can also share that changing an active ongoing site like this can maybe best be compared to open-heart surgery. Frankly – I’m in awe at how smoothly and how well the transmission is going.

Then there is this pesky thing called the "future". Way back when this site was created today was the future. I don’t think anyone could have guessed the number of members, the number of posts, amount of data, interaction, access-needs, bandwidth, databases… this site would need and consume. I’m also guesstimating that the change is due to updates in databases, access, security requirements…

When making major changes like the ones being done here it’s inevitable that some things don’t go as planned, or things need tweaking and adjusting. I’m amazed how MH had managed this (probably or mostly) single-handedly considering this is a volunteer site with no paid staff. Changes like this usually require a team of people with demands being defined, programing, testing, fixing, testing, implementing, testing and fixing.

I also see that since the switch-over changes have been made. In typical fashion I see that the layout has "tightened up" a bit and is becoming crisper and cleaner than it was first after the change. Small ticks and nibbles are also clearing up and/or disappearing.

I encourage all posters to be patient with the changes and appreciate the effort being placed in the implementation.
The smaller bugs will go, there is already more leeway in templates, font-size and such from the old site and several other new features. After a week of the new site I’m already appreciating it more than the old one – despite experiencing some quirky behavior every now and then. The old site had over a decade to be stable, let’s give this one a few months…

If you do have real bugs there is a forum (survivinginfidelity dot net) where you can let MH know of them. You can also ask for new features. Just remember that (once again guesstimating…) bugs are prioritized, some "bugs" are permanent features and that there is only one MH.

Finally: If you can’t appreciate what’s being done and think this is a reason to leave SI:
This isn’t an airport.
You don’t have to announce departures.

26 comments posted: Monday, August 16th, 2021

Fantasy versus reality

I don’t really know what obligations and limitations being labeled a Guide have on my contributions to SI. The following is something I would have shared no matter what title I have on this site, only this is 100% a personal vent rather than anything official:

A lot of us that try to help new posters deal with infidelity state that infidelity is fantasy.

That’s why we suggest people implement actions like exposure, learning about divorce and its processes and effects and so on. Actions based on reality. Actions that are (amongst other things) aimed at pulling the WS head out of their derriere so they might realize that the AP isn’t a unicorn, but only an ass with a paper-cone taped to their forehead.

We have terms for it like the affair fog. We also know that often the first days or pages of advice need to focus on making the newly traumatized betrayed spouse snap out of his/her fog and face reality. The mist of war is real, it exists, and the best tool to deal with it is information and reality. Skip fantasy, it doesn’t help.

Fantasy can also occur with us – the BS and sometimes in the advice we BS give. It’s given with the best of intentions, but it’s still fantasy…

There is the classic “throw him/her out” despite this being illegal in most states/countries. I have personally escorted more than one man from his home to the nearest jail for trying to throw a spouse out of a home.

There are other variants like dump his/her stuff out the window and torch his/her car. There is the install hidden cameras, trackers on the vehicle and VAR’s. Or the more recent “plaster what you have on social media”. We have the cut her/his cards, close all accounts, remove his/her name…

We have the “go for sole custody because he/she cheated” and the “take him/her to the cleaners in D”, despite reality showing neither is likely to happen. It’s all fantasy, with the possible outcome that the BS following the above might end up in a motel with a restraining order preventing him/her from their home, and a pending charge for vandalism that would support their spouses claim that their mood-swings might make them less capable of prime custody.

THAT is the reality of the fantasy-advice. This is why reality-advice trumps fantasy.

I’m not advocating treating the WS with kid-gloves. I have often suggested the use of VAR’s and trackers. But there are limitations to how you can use these things. A CORRECT way to get the result you want and need.

You CAN ask or demand the WS leaves the house, but you can’t make them. You CAN create conditions where they decide to leave, but you can’t make them. Basically, you CAN do most of what is suggested – only you need to do it in a legal manner or in a manner least likely to cause you legal issues. You CAN post on social media that your spouse had a “friendship” with OP and that’s vague enough to avoid possible legal disputes but clear enough to get the message across.

Unfortunately, “legal” and careful tends to be less dramatic. Less… fantasy. For the new BS fantasy seems so appealing. It’s a break from the reality they are dealing with. But it’s not reality, and reality is what we strive for. I think we need to base our examples on reality. That reality might flow with our experience, so experience-based sharing is usually quite good and grounded. But I do think we really need to offer realistic and implementable advice rather than suggest some magic-wand, Hollywood-script type of advice.

Then there is the other type of fantasy. The fantasy stories some seem to get a kick out of sharing on infidelity sites. In many ways these are the worst because many take them as gospel and they often offer a tantalizing and exciting fantasy-based escape from infidelity, with recovery and revenge and the OP riding into the sunset wearing a big white hat.

There have even been threads here on SI that have been proven to be based on pure fantasy. Maybe the most blatant example was the now-banned poster who claimed to be an active-duty Navy SEAL. For those that missed him he shared a compelling story full of decisiveness and action. His writing-style was so salty it was only missing the occasional can of spinach, a parrot, and a wooden-leg.

The problem with fantasy threads like that one is that they offer false solutions and false hope. Like the afore mentioned SEAL (who turned out to be more of a walrus). He divorced in a timeframe that is technically not realistic, plus he stated he got all the assets for the infidelity – despite a quick search showing that the state law clearly outlines that infidelity does NOT impact division of assets.

There have been several fantasy stories that have made it big here on SI IMHO. Sometimes factual errors like the ones the fore-mentioned Popeye made are the red flag. Sometimes faults and inconsistencies. Sometimes improbabilities.

There are some common themes and developments in these threads. Something I think everyone from us guides up to the Admins recognize and are on the lookout for. I’m not going to share the themes in detail since that will only be a baseline for a better lie, but generally the OP arrives claiming to have doubts or being confused, doesn’t listen to any advice, has few hindrances in finances, time or resources and has implemented some elaborate exposure sting before his fifth post. The threads then develop into long punish the WS focused threads. If the OP is losing the crowd, they add a post stating doubts and maybe offering a path to reconciliation or some plot to further punish the WS like seducing the OMW. That generally guarantees 10-15 pages of indignant responses or cheers.

Some poor suffering poster comes here, reads these fantasy threads, and thinks he can file and a week later it’s all over and he can start a new non-impacted life, bed the OM wife, and leave his ex-wife missing what she finally realizes was the best man on Earth… It sounds good, makes you feel all fuzzy and warm, but it’s about as realistic as basing your future on the lottery you plan on winning next week.

Anybody here that’s gone through infidelity willing to raise their hand and share that the process was linear, no hitches and easy?

Let’s do what I think this site does BEST: Share reality to help them survive and get out of infidelity.

33 comments posted: Saturday, April 10th, 2021

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