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Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 3:55 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Ebz40,

Sorry You have to experience this double, or more, loss.....

It's something I think of as well that my W will die without ever having come clean. It's unlike the regret we might have over never having the wealth or vehicles we wanted this is loss of life and happiness.

Likely many other betrayed spouses, especially those who never got a full confession or even a minimum of understanding have this thought. Although it's painful I'm glad you at least got the truth.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8748140
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:12 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Ebz

Have you followed up on the advice regarding the formal and practical matters regarding your husbands passing? The estate? The debts, insurance, pensions, savings…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8748142
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 2:40 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

@bigger I have taken care of most. Almost finalized all finances. He didn’t have much really.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8748199
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 9:52 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

He didn’t love you any less or love her anymore. It was all pretend IMO to d study his ego boost.

1stWife, I agree with this to a point but the difference is that your WH admitted his wrongdoings and stopped doing whatever he was doing and worked to change his ways once you confronted him. Neither mine nor Ebz40 ever stopped and never admitted to what they were doing, even when the opportunity presented itself. Hence, on my deceased WH death bed he still continued his behaviors dispite that it hurt me. Because why? Because he didn't care how I felt. And I even called him out on it but he still continued doing it with the nurses and the other health practioners.

1stWife I won't go into detail here and I know that you are are a religious person just from reading your posts. And I respect that. I also have a relationship with God. And I do now know that my deceased WH is very remorseful. And the only reason he is remorseful is because he got caught! Figure that one out!

I just don't know how I feel about saying that they loved us dispite what they were doing to us, cheating, lieing, putting our health at risk. I even brought this up to the therapist about mine being an alcoholic and sex addict. And granite that my therapist is a recovering alcoholic, her best comment was that he also could have made the decision to stop doing what he was doing and to get help. But he chose not to.

I am further along in my grief process and I have a ton more of clarity. I am still on the fence as to whether or not I would accept this as true love. I don't think true love looks like this. And I would never ever accept this behavior as true love ever again if. If I were to meet someone else along the way and they had these same traits, I would not stick around to see what the outcome is.

Ebz40, maybe try and look at things from another perspective. I understand that you are in the early phases of his death like it happened just a few minutes ago. Knowing what you know now about what he was doing behind your back, would YOU consider what he did to you and the kid's to be love, according to his actions?

Maybe I can save you some time in your grief process by helping you see things a bit differently. Do YOU consider his behavior loving, especially now knowing that he's even been at this for YEAR'S? It's not only about whether you think he loved you but also if you consider his behaviors as loving?

I am on the fence with how I now feel about my deceased WH. I am taking everything that I now know into consideration. My feelings for mine were all about love. His feelings for me were different. And as I have said earlier in my post, the only reason he isn't doing it anymore is because he got caught by the man upstairs. Otherwise, he would have continued doing it, dispite how his behaviors were hurting my feelings. He. Just. Didn't. Care. And he even seemed to enjoy how it made me feel.

I suppose now that I am in a somewhat better place I am beginning to look at my situation with my deceased WH more objectively. And I hope that you don't mind me telling this. Just don't forget to ask yourself if you feel your deceased WH actions is what you would consider is love. Very important for you to think this over on both ends, not just whether or not he loved you.

Believe it or not, you will be better in time. You just need to process what just happened. But it does take time.

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8748232
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 11:18 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Take your time feeling any and all of your emotions and you will have many and sometimes all at once. This is normal. You cannot grieve wrong.

After I wrote my post to you, I was thinking about forgiveness because first of all it would be for me. And also know that he wants it too.

BUT he knew me for almost 35 years which has translated to 35 years of lies, 35 years of cheating, 35 years of putting my at a health risk by being emotionally, and psychologically abusive. I am still dealing with the fallout of who he really was. And 35 years of not wanting to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Lots to consider dispite that fact that he is no longer here on this earth. But I am still here. 🤗

Now that the ball is in my court, I am in no hurry to figure out how I want to view what my life was with him. My decision, my choice when it is all said and done.

And with that said, I also will take my time figuring how I feel about him today. No hurry.

posts: 858   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8748243
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:01 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

HurtMyHeart.

Very valid points. I’m in agreement with you.

The cheater doesn’t care. The cheater often doesn’t want to change. The cheater is a Selfish person. All true.

But that is their flaw. They’re just incapable of being monogamous for so many reasons.

But I have met people in for who were exactly like your H and some of them have admitted the spouse was the best thing — they just blew it. They didn’t have the capacity to stop their poor choices. But they did in fact love their spouse. They just didn’t or couldn’t show it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748329
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 2:58 PM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

..so sorry you are here... but you couldn't have found a better site for really great advice. Read and learn Ebz.

In the finality of death, there is rebirth. Your rebirth and the freedom to make new choices. I'm glad you have your teens for mutual support.

Wishing you all the best for your new beginning.

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 6015   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8748600
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

Thank you @hurtmyheart

I would like to think there were times he did love me, but ultimately he didn’t want the commitment. I don’t think he was capable of truly loving anyone. If it wasn’t me, it would’ve been someone else. Someone like my husband is never truly satisfied no matter what.

@somanyyears thank you for sharing that. Right now everything is still new and extremely painful but I’m hopeful I can continue with my life one day

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8748712
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 1:00 AM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

I just want to say how very sorry I am for everything you are going through.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

posts: 964   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8748765
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 10:03 PM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

Thank you @shehawk

I appreciate the support

I had mental breakdown today. I still find myself getting angry and bitter and wanting revenge

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8749794
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:06 PM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

So sorry EBZ. Just know it’s all understandable.

It just takes time to accept it all and be able to move forward in some small ways. It’s also good yo get your feelings out.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8749796
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 12:32 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Thank you @1st wife

I feel sorry for my kids. I wish I was mentally and emotionally available for them. They’ve been so great. They deserve more

This makes it so painful. I feel like I’m slowly dying on the inside.

I know it doesn’t help but I cant get all the text messages and photos between my WH and his mistress out of my mind. They seemed so happy. Very much in love (could be lust, I don’t know). It just hurts so much. I gave him everything I possibly could. I don’t understand how he could this to someone he claims he loves.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8749808
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:18 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

That is what we all wonder. We have our cheating spouse he best - everything we could. Why would they decide to cheat?

It will always be a mystery. And something the cheater can never provide an adequate answer. There is NO GOOD REASON.

Any excuse is a justification. And it boils down to the fact that the cheater decided to cheat b/c they wanted to. That’s really the reason.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8749822
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:26 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

They were flawed and acted on their flaw because they wanted to. Deeply flawed. There is no other possible explanation. It has NO BEARING on who you are and how amazing you are. It hurts us, but we were just a bit of intended consequences, collateral damage. I think my XWS actually did love me. But he didn’t love himself, and there was nothing I could do, say, or be that would fill that giant hole.

I know the pain is excruciating. But I promise that it gets better just the tiniest amount every day and in a couple months you will be surprised to see your progress. But it takes time. And you have to let the hurt and anger out or it will fester.

Lean hard into your support system, vent here as much as you need, and love on your kids. (((Hugs)))

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8749824
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 2:34 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

I’m in so much pain as I write this

I’m so drained.

I feel like I don’t want to live

My WH made it seem like he was tortured in this marriage and was a victim. Meanwhile I endured years of emotional abuse from him and he never took accountability. I never had a voice in my marriage. I would walk on eggshells with him.

Looking back on my marriage, I believe my husband was cheating on me the entire time. There were so many red flags that I ignored.

This is too much. I can’t believe this is happening to me

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8749835
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Hey there. I know it feels unbearable, but you can make it through this. Your babies need you. You are needed and loved.

Your H was an ass- but that is not you. You put up with crap because you valued your vows. You trusted. You loved. You are good.

Please hang in there, and if you get overwhelmed, please reach out to 988 , the suicide hotline. They are trained to help people in crisis. For reals- call them if you have any inclination of doing something rash.

You are valued and loved. Hang on to that.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8749841
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 4:03 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Thank you @barelybreathing

I’m not suicidal at all. I just feel like not being here.

I feel like some of my friends don’t understand why I’m so hung up on this

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8749845
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:36 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

It is common to have friends not understand WHY you are reacting the way you are to the infidelity.

Especially if they have not been the victim of infidelity.

That’s why we are all here at SI - we get it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8749848
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 Ebz40 (original poster new member #80392) posted at 7:52 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Well one of my friends has been through infidelity several times. She wants to know why I’m so hung up on the betrayal (she wants to know specific whys)

Gosh this is so painful

I really can’t copes

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8749853
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:23 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Period.

Honestly - she should have more compassion and empathy given your situation.

🤦‍♀️ SMH.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8749855
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