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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 11:47 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Thank you @chamomiletea

As I sit here, I just feel so much pain in my heart.

Am I crazy to say that I miss him at times? I feel guilty for even thinking that

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753893
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:10 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

How could you not? He's what you knew. Anyone who's been married this long will recognize that brand of separation anxiety. You feel what you feel. Feelings aren't facts though and they're not wrong in and of themselves. It's what we do with them that matters. So, you try not to let the messy ones manage your life or make your decisions for you. Easy to say, harder to do. smile

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8753901
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 12:56 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Thank you @chamomiletea

I appreciate your support ((hugs))

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753910
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 3:01 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

You will hurt for awhile Ebz40. Heck I still find myself hurting and longing for the good days that we had. But on the other hand, I also realize how sick his mind and soul were. His alcoholism and sex addiction ruled him. And he was also obsessive compulsive. I know all of it goes hand n hand. The way he described his thoughts to me were like a snowball. Once he got fixated on a thought, the thought continued to grow and grow until it got out of control.

I just know that since he passed away there have been a few people who have come into my life, one of them was an old friend... saw the same patterns as my deceased WH and I immediately put a stop to the friendship.

Living with my deceased WH when he was alive has messed me up in some ways. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone fully again. I always wonder who else is that sick.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8753922
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

@hurtmyheart I can relate as I said the same thing. I’m not sure I can ever trust anyone ever again. Its scary to know that people like this exist.

I’m just grateful to be alive honestly and out of the marriage. It traumatized on so many levels.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753924
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 2:24 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I really need help. I can’t take this anymore

Now I’m having issues with my teen daughter.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754078
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icytoes ( new member #79512) posted at 7:21 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I am so sorry you are suffering. My heart aches for you. You and your children have been dealt such a terrible blow that it is going to feel unbearable. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I hope you can get a little fresh air and exercise each day. I remember being in so much despair I went to a track and walked/ran for hours until I was completely exhausted. If you aren't up for that, getting dressed and walking around the block is good. And if you aren't up for that, just stepping outside and letting the sun warm your face while the wind blows through your hair.

You are worth it. Your children are worth it. Don't give up. We are all rooting for you.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8754123
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Thank you @icytoes

I’m really trying. I did go outside for a few mins

This really hurts so bad

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754128
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:26 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

It is so painful. But the pain really is temporary. It WILL pass. Not today, but it will.

And the loving/missing someone while simultaneously hating them and being disgusted by them is such a mind f*ck. It’s hard to reconcile it all. But it is normal.

What support do you have locally? Please use them. And I am sure your kids are also going through a lot— it’s just so much for all of you.
Keep being gentle with yourself and ask for help from friends and family.
Hang in there…. It gets better.

(((Hugs)))

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8754130
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Does your daughter need some counseling?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8754135
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 9:55 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Thank you for your support

Yes my daughter is in therapy as we speak

I do speak to close family and friends

One of my friends just advised me to let go of the things he did and be a full mom to my kids

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754139
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 1:02 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Just wanted to encourage you to be kind to yourself. I really feel for you as do we all.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1319   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8754155
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 2:09 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Thank you so much @justsomeguy

I appreciate the support and encouraging words

I really needed it.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754162
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Stayinghopefull ( member #57957) posted at 1:54 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Hi EBZ40,

First want to say I am so sorry for your pain. I pretty much just read through this entire post. We have similar stories. I haven’t posted on here in a while. My H had multiple affairs and kept saying he was going to change and he wanted to be a family. I kept finding more things out. Finally got the courage to tell him I wanted to separate in October 2021. We separated June 2022. He passed away unexpectedly July 2022. I also have two teen daughters. My H and I were a little further along in our healing process. He had told me he was sorry and that he wanted to learn from this and be a better person and that he would always love me about a month before he died. That gives me comfort but also pain. Grieving from infidelity and death is something no one can comprehend until you face it personally. It is such an emotional roller coaster and it’s one you can’t get off. The pain is horrible. I just wish my H was still here. I miss him terribly. I’m still hurt by everything he did to me and my girls but i can’t help but miss him. We had 27 years together. Even through all the bad times the good memories are what I more remember now. Take care of yourself and your kids. That’s what I’m trying to do now too. The paperwork and everything that comes along with a spouse dying can been overwhelming. That is what I am dealing with now. But I know I have to do it to make sure myself and my kids are taken care of.

Just wanted to reach out to you since our situations are similar. Just know you are not alone.

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 1:56 PM, Friday, September 9th]

Joined SI 17 years ago when H had year long affair.
Found 5 new OW in the past 6 months. Heading towards D.
Two wonderful teen kids that don't deserve this.
Me: BS 48 H: WS 50 Together 27 yrs, Married 22 yrs

posts: 112   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8754525
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:13 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Stayinghopeful and Ebz40, I can relate. I am 2 1/2 years out from my deceased WH death and I still find it hard to cope at times. But I take things one day at a time and that mostly seems to help. I am also getting myself back into hobbies and joined the gym again. He wasn't able to rob me of everything I enjoyed in life.

I still struggle with how can I have loved someone who would do this to me. My therapist calls my relationship with him a love/hate relationship. He still manages to break my heart. I'm still in disbelief that he was who he was. I never thought he was capable of cheating on me. Swore he would never even consider it because he luuuuuved me.

Well, today I know that his love for me was different than my love for him was. I based my love for him on being faithful, honest, true, friendship, my one and only, etc. His love for me was well... different, I guess. I just know that I will never allow myself to be in a relationship with someone else that has these kind of traits. I just couldn't have a repeat of what I went through with my deceased WH.

Just curious, were either of your deceased WH alcoholic or an addict? Mine was an alcoholic and serial cheater. And early on in our marriage, he also told me that he was obsessive/compulsive. Said that while growing up his mother who was so mean and cruel to him used to tell him that if he didn't lock the front door when he left the house and she found out, she would beat his ass. He told me that he became so fearful of her that at times he would drive away then drive back home multiple times to check to make sure he locked the front door. She was a terror to him. Beat him severely on multiple occasions. His father also was also an alcoholic and objectified women. His older brothers and uncles were poor examples too.

I think that his father was the worst. His father felt it okay to walk around in his underwear around me. I told him to put clothes on and he got pissed at me. He also enjoyed watching porn and had a colletion of sex toys, not for the bedroom but sex toys. And he just had to show me. I think he also cheated on his wife from what my deceased WH had told me about his parents past. There is more but this is enough information to get my point across.

What a dysfunctional family he came from. And obviously I came from a dysfuctional family too. Serious drug and alcohol addiction, mental illness, constant fighting and chaos. Cops always showing up at our house because of these reasons. So embarrassing and humiliating thinking about what went on in my younger days. And I believe that my mom had issues with staying faithful and lying about everything. My deceased WH was also constantly lying too. It seems like everytime he opened his mouth, a lie would come out of it.

The pain of who my deceased WH was and his death definitely took its toll on me. Worst experience I had ever gone through in all of my life. It has been very overwhelming to accept at times.

I especially remember the last few years before his death. Seems like he was "coming out" and was beginning to reveal his true self to me. Was constantly flirting with and making comments about other women. I felt SO unsafe around him. It was horrible! And the sick part was that I thought that we were in R. But I now also realize that his behavior as a married man was so extreme that it confused me because my values were different than his were. Cheating to him was his norm. He just forgot to tell me.

But I guess that I am thankful that he did the right thing and took care of me in his death. I can look at this in two different ways though because the emotional and psychological toll has been so great. He gave me the opportunity to continue on with my life in comfort, or he prolonged my having to live on this earth. Most days because I have my kids to live for I still find reasons to live. And sometimes I don't want to live anymore because of the memories of who he was and what he put me through.

Just so you know, these feelings are absolutely normal. Life surely can suck and we have been given an almost impossible challenge to evercome. And this is why I choose to stay in one day at a time. And sometimes what he did still takes a heavy toll on my soul.

What are your deceased WH backgrounds? And can you see anything with their history that could have been red flags early on?

Just a reminder, I am not condoning what they did because of their history. We all have a past but still didn't use cheating as a coping mechanism.

I'm so sorry the two of you are having to experience this. I will say that my days for the most part have gotten better and I'm also so much more aware of the kind of people who exist in this world. And I'm no longer in denial. And I no longer have to deal with the continuous emotional pain that he was causing. Kind of disgusts me to think about this but he was also very kind to me. And at the same time makes me cringe from the thought of what I put up with from him. And I also believe my subconscious mind had accepted that he was cheating on me because my body and heart shut down early on in our marriage once he cheated. "I" truly wanted to believe in him and forced myself to believe that I still loved him eventhough at the time I stuck my head in the sand and was still in deep denial. Didn't really know how to see the truth and I was afraid to be divorced and raising my two kids alone. So I stayed in painful denial and stuffed my feelings down.

My eventual goal is to get to a point of indifference. Don't want to love him or hate. I want him to be a distant memory of someone I used to know and someone who wasn't right for me when all is said and done. Just a bad decision marrying him. But of course I love my kids. I just wish that I would have listened to myself early on when I saw those first red flags.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8754665
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 1:49 AM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

I found that the first several months after his death were the hardest... I was in shock. Deep, deep sadness. Continuous nonstop crying. Despair. Could barely get out of bed unless I had to. I pretty much lied around for a year, except to take the dog out for a walk and only because she needed it. COVID hit so pretty much everyone was forced to stay indoors. Those first several months were especially brutal.

It was surreal that he died. Dispite who he was and we were in false R imo, we had plans and I wanted to be with him. I had hope for us and our future. I honestly didn't have intimate feelings for him anymore but I loved him. He was more like a friend to me. Just not in love with him anymore. And of course hoping that he would want to change. I lived on hope.

I felt repulsed by him because of what he did to me, us and the family. I put walls up. That is why I fell out of love with him. I lost those good feelings for him immediately once I subconsciously realized that he was cheating on me. Up until then, I thought the world of him. It felt like our marriage was heaven. I felt safe and loved by him. I never in my wildest dreams thought he would cheat on me. But he did over and over and over again.

I am allowing myself to feel how I feel now. No more pushing my emotions down and denying his truth. He was a cheater, liar and drunk, and did not come home from work several days a week so he could live his double lief.

He conveniently moved us almost two hours away from his work so he wouldn't have to come home and be a fulltime husband and father. And he was cruel at times because of his other women girlfriends. They were more important than we were.

That is who he was. And I've gotten plenty of answers since his death. The answers were those red flags I chose to ignore early on and there were also things he told me prior to his death. I think that he was trying to save face.

Now I can't ignore the truth anymore. Hitting it head on. No more denial and I get to feel how I feel. And that actually is beautiful because I am learning to be my authentic self. I am working on facing the truth of who he was and he doesn't need to be here for that.

Neither of you are as far along as I am in our journey's but time will help you to heal. Part of me is relieved because I don't have to put up with the abuse from him anymore. I loved him but he made our marriage very difficult and emotionally painful. I don't have to deal with that anymore and that is a fair statement.

Why would I want to continue to deal with that? I didn't want him to die but damn. And it was hard to leave him because I loved the good side of him. I would have continued staying with him if he were still alive. I just loved him but today I also see the conflicted side of him and what he did. And for that I am going to continue to face and express my feelings about who "he was." And I am not going to allow myself to feel guilt if I choose to hate him for the day. And yes, I also question how he could have loved me. I don't think he loved me in the best way possible. If he did, he would not have done the things he did. Today I am more open to good, honest love.

His death caused me to face reality. And everything began to emotionally boil over. And everything came out into the open. No more denial. It's like a light came on. I shared our story with family and friends. They were unbelievably shocked. They had a hard time believing this. Well, so did I! We were all let down because we all loved him and thought the world of him. But he was just a sham. Who he presented to us wasn't real.

And did they truly love us? Do we love them now because of their behavior? Would someone who truly loved us do this to us? Do I blame the disease of his alcoholism and addiction on his behaviors?

My therapist who has been sober for 18 years reminded me that my deceased WH COULD HAVE STOPPED DOING WHAT HE WAS DOING. PERIOD. But he chose not to. I agree.

And I knew that but it also helps to hear it from others because sometimes the truth gets blurred where there is so much confusion and conflict going on. So bottom line is that they chose to do what they chose to do dispite the fact that they didn't seem to care that they were hurting us. That is my bottom line.

Our grief is so complicated because not only did they cheat on us but to compound it they died too! They didn't have to face their concesquenses while on this earth.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8754689
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:00 AM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

Thank you @stayinghopeful for sharing your story. I sincerley appreciate your support.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754694
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:07 AM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

@hurtmyheart I definitely believe my husband was addicted to porn (I found evidence of this recently). I now believe this was a big contributing factor in the demise of my marriage and infidelities.

I wake up every morning with pain in my chest. It just hurts so bad. It hurts even more to know he didn’t love me at all

However I pray I can heal from this. Too soon for me right now. I’m not sure how I’m able to type this. Sometimes I just want hide in bed and never get out.

😞

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754696
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:00 AM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

You will heal. It just takes time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8754701
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 12:32 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

EBZ - just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping for relief from the pain. It will come...but it's hard to even comprehend anything when the pain screams so loudly. You have a family here for you - to support you through the pain.

(((EBZ)))

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2832   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8754705
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