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Newest Member: Col2gar6681

Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 1:17 PM on Saturday, September 10th, 2022

Thank you so much @isurvivedsofar

I’m trying

I really appreciate the support

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754710
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 7:27 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

I just want to scream!!

I can’t sleep and have pain in my chest

How could he do this to me and his children? I swear I f***ing hate him. I have no piece in my life. And that stupid b**th he was sleeping with, gets to walk around free.

Before anyone says anything, I held my WH fully accountable before he died (even though he kept denying it and never admitted it). This b**th knew he was married and knew he has children. She was a co conspirator and willing participant.

I’m so tired of this! I want her to know that I know everything and what a slut she truly is. Yes everyone advises against this but I don’t care anymore. I have no f***ing peace on my life

[This message edited by Ebz40 at 7:28 AM, Monday, September 12th]

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754898
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NowWhat106 ( member #35497) posted at 7:41 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

I hear you. I understand that feeling of knowing that your husband did not value you or his children enough to want to be a decent person for his family. I understand the anger of feeling that the person who helped him conspire against you and your family is walking around with no consequences. I’m holding you in my thoughts tonight because I’ve had a surge of anger around that issue myself in the last few weeks—mostly on behalf of my children who have been so hurt by his dysfunction.

I respect your right to do what you think you need to with regard to the AP. I know that my WH’s AP would probably feel special and a little triumphant to know that she was in my head because she’s just the kind of person to feel that means that I was threatened by her. Honestly, they’re very similar types of people and probably deserve each other although they are both so disordered that they’d never tolerate each other in the long run.

I also know the mental cycling that robs your sleep and brings on anxiety attacks and chest pain when you try to sleep. Don’t let them steal your health. You need to be able to shut down at night. I’ve used breathing exercises, GABA, and CBD with some success.

Most of all, I just wanted you to know that you’ve been heard and that we’re here. Sending virtual hugs of support.

Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
My marriage didn’t survive but I did

posts: 592   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012
id 8754899
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 8:20 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Thank you @nowwhat106

I’m just having such a hard time

I appreciate your support sincerley

I wish I could shake this off but I can’t

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754900
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NowWhat106 ( member #35497) posted at 8:42 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

I understand completely. This is pain and life disruption like nothing else. And for you, the grief that comes from horrific betrayal is also confused by grief at the death of your WH.

Please be kind, gentle and patient with yourself, and try to find comfort in your children, your family and all of us out here who truly understand and hold you in our thoughts.

Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
My marriage didn’t survive but I did

posts: 592   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012
id 8754901
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:00 AM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

I don’t think anyone is either expecting you to shake this off or to magically recover. Your pain is real and it will take the time pain needs to recover before you feel OK again.
Maybe what I’m trying to get across to you is that your husbands actions aren’t "normal" and therefore you shouldn’t be applying "normal" parameters to what he might have done.
In some ways the OW is probably a victim too. I’m guessing he lied to her just as he lied to you – its extremely unlikely that he was so 100% false towards you and 100% true to her. I wouldn’t be surprised that if she knew about you then it’s some vision of an estranged wife, semi-insane, clingy and dependent on him therefore making his planned exit from his marriage to commit to her so hard. As I have previously said: I think he would have chosen the one making less trouble and better to control IF he had been forced to make a choice.

I stick to my original suggestion: Get the legal aspects out of the way and make 100% his estate is closed. You DO NOT want a collections agency to be calling you 18 months from now because of a credit-card taken out while married to you. You want 100% certainty that any debt, back-taxes etc is completely off your table.
In fact – if there is any money in the estate I would suggest squirreling a small amount into an envelope hidden in your socks-drawer for a year, just to have a backup fund for possible claims. I somehow doubt a man that had such a checkered personal life had a clean financial one.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12310   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8754903
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:29 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Unless I missed what caused his death I am going to assume his lying, exciting, miserable, cheating life killed him. That is his Karma. He doesn’t get to enjoy old age, kids growing up, vacations. Don’t let his stupidity own your life. His OW is now nobody. What does she have? Nothing.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4213   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8754923
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Newenglandmom ( new member #79495) posted at 3:00 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Your situation is heartbreaking. However, what Cooley said is spot on. Thinking of you. Try to do one thing a day for you. Even if it is a hot shower.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: USAa
id 8754927
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 5:57 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Thank you all for your support

I was having one of many moments yesterday

@bigger she absolutely knew all about me and my children (I have all the proof in the world of this). He didn’t lie about being married, she already knew this. Everyone in their community who he and I are. She even said in the text message she doesn’t mind being with him even though he’s married. Plus she said she doesn’t mind sleeping with him unprotected. Believe me she’s no victim at all. She has a track record of sleeping with married men (she also shared this with my WH). Trust me if it was a situation where she has no idea, I wouldn’t even bother. But she knew!

@Cooley2here he suffered a heart aneurysm a few weeks after I found out he was cheating. Plus he still cheating after I found out. Therefore I know he has no remorse. I was in the process to file for divorce but he died. I believe my discovery of his infidelity probably got the best of him and he knew I was done with him. I have zero tolerance for adultery.

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8754948
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:38 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

So, Kama did not tap him on his shoulder, it killed him. I’m pretty sure of the two of you his cheating ways did not fix his life it actually killed him and you still have a good life ahead of you.

You want revenge. It is human nature. It is what starts wars. You don’t have him to hit him, sue him, divorce him. Just take it that he did all that to himself.

People who get cheated on never can even out the playing field. We will never be able to hurt them the way they hurt us. I am practical by nature. What do you want of this one life you have? Of course you have to grieve and rave and rant. Grief is a terrible part of life. Give yourself some time to be angry and sad, then get busy with the rest of your life.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:43 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4213   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8755117
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 1:57 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

(((Ebz))),

to add to Cooley's...

People who get cheated on never can even out the playing field.

I believe they can, by living the authentic and best life they want. By learning the lessons and using them going forward. Life is a never-ending school. This way they can rise way above the playing field.

and

We will never be able to hurt them the way they hurt us. I am practical by nature.

Because they even had no clue, they were hurting their BS. Something very important is missing in all of the WS's. Can they find this something? Big question. WE feel that with their behavior and thought processes they inflicted very painful emotions on us; these are OUR feeling as a response to their actions. What I want to say is that they don't have this something in them to feel the hurt or even being hurt and experience/feel that hurt. This something I know is consciousness.

And what's the purpose to hurt them in some illusive way that they MAY experience any feelings? They work on their own destiny, and the results as we can see, might be very gloomy.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 1:58 PM, Wednesday, September 14th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 241   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8755208
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 11:59 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Thank you @cooley2here and @truthispower

I had better day today where I wasn’t emotional or angry. I’m not sure what that means. It’s scares me a bit because it’s temporary. Everyday is an emotional and mental rollercoaster. Not sure how I feel sometimes.

I know everyday I wake up with pain my chest from sadness and hurt. I’m hopeful this will change.

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8755299
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 10:02 AM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

I just want to die and make this pain go away

I can’t sleep

All I feel is hurt

my WH got the easy way out. F***ing A**hole!!! I hate him!!! and that stupid ugly b**ch he was f**king with. I know karma will come for her too

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8755719
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:23 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

Bump per request.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3327   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8786394
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, September 8th, 2023

Bump by request

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8807066
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Dreamdaisy ( member #67729) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Ebz40,

I am a latecomer to your thread & just tears rolling down my face when I read your story, the most heartbreaking of circumstances I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and suffering you have been through.

While it is comforting to come to the SI community, no-one can take away the horrendous pain you must be feeling, whatever we say.

I am truly so very sorry you have had to endure this xx

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8808632
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greenirisheyes ( member #7983) posted at 4:32 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

"I know a young woman whose valve was slowly pulling apart and they had a hard time finding a doctor who would do the surgery. It is a tricky one, very dangerous, but she is now married with children. Unless there was a doctor suited up I don’t think your h would have stood a chance. I am not a dr so I have no clue."

I am not a doctor either, but my dad died of an aortic aneurysm at 58, on my second day of a new job at one of the best heart hospitals in the country. I later asked one of the heart surgeons about his death and he told me that my dad could have been on the operating table with his chest cracked and they still might not have been able to save him.

Reconciled since 10/2002 Married 45 years - 2020!We're better then ever, but I won't be sending the skank a thank you card.

"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin" –​ André Bert

posts: 413   ·   registered: Aug. 24th, 2005   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic Coast
id 8808668
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

I too am late to your thread. Ma'am, allow me to express my commiserations and condolences on both your loss and betrayal. This is what I refer to as compounded trauma and the impact is exponential.

Allow me to share a bit concerning the impact crater in my own life. As a young husband and father, I discovered that the two most important people in my life, my then best friend and my wife, had betrayed me by having an affair. As a survivor of a tumultuous and wildly unstable & abusive upbringing, I thought Id finally hit a sweet spot in my life, only to find it shattered as well. I spent a torturous decade trying to piece my marriage back together to no avail. It was awful. Concern for my kids played a part but I now deeply regret not moving to divorce her in that first year following DD. Long story short, she got sick and eventually passed away. I was left with a broken heart from the betrayal and exhausted from supporting her through and extensive battle with the disease only to lose her and end up alone...again. No answers to anything. To say that I was empty is an understatement. I had a black hole of emptiness in my soul that swallowed up any light of hope. I had to claw my way back to functionality as I had young children to take care of but those decades were brutal.

I am doing much better now albeit many years later. Good therapy and the love and support of a great woman, my wife (also a survivor of a brutal betrayal), has brought healing and peace to me the like of which I could not have imagined those many years ago when I could not see the light of day.

Why share my hurt this extensively with you? In part because of this:

I just want to die and make this pain go away

I take this statement very very seriously. One of the things that prompted me to open up on boards like this and share my own experience and path to healing was the loss of a good friend who took their own life due to the pain of infidelity. It broke my heart and enraged me. Betrayers just dont get that they are playing russian roullete with their own lives and the lives of others.

So, I am reaching out to you now. This is why I have shared my own compoundeded pain and trauma with you. To commiserate and to tell you hes not worth your life. Please, if you have not already, discuss this statement with a therapist. Call a hotline (dial 988). We hear you.

Keep posting.

(((Ebz40)))

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:05 PM, Thursday, September 21st]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 294   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8808681
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, November 21st, 2023

Bump by request

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3327   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8815890
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:18 AM on Sunday, November 26th, 2023

Ebz40, just checking to see how everything is coming along.

I can't believe it has been almost 4 years since my WH death. Shocking how time flies, really.

I still think about him everyday and I even spend time thinking about what he did throughout our marriage. Such a confusing time being married to him. And here I thought we were a happy and solid couple. My brother used to call us the perfect family. I suppose from the outside it appeared that way but subconsciously, I knew differently, that that was not the case.

One thing for sure, the memories of his infidelity don't have that hold on me like they did before. I am now able to think about the past and can also let it go and move on with my day. Not saying every day is easy because it isn't. I still have very sad and in shock moments and still deal with my heart broken. But I also have found that time has eased my emotional pain and heartache somewhat. Not 100% though but enough where I am having better days.

This is a very sad time for you and I am so sorry for you and your family. It is sickening what your wh did to all of you (her too), departing from this earth in such a horrible, selfish and cowardly way. My WH did his last deed, flirting with the nurses, not even concerned about my feelings. And my having to witness this during his last few days of life. Damn. Disgusting and such a turn off. Such an ego trip. I just wanted to spend those last few moments loving him but he blocked my heart by behaving in this way. I even called him on it but decided to just let it go. He got his way dispite hurting my heart.


Anyways, those memories of what he did with the nurses are some of my last memories of he and I together.

It's such a shame that what we thought were loves of our lives were actually the most brutal, unloving men in disguise. And I also believe that this was their karma for treating us this way. Blows me away that your wh passed before you divorced him. Mine passed away a couple of years before his retirement. And all he used to talk about was his retirement and us traveling full-time. I feel that God wasn't going to allow him to continue to hurt me.

I hope that your wh left you a large amount of compensation because you deserve it for the hell he put you through. And I am sorry for that. Makes my stomach churn thinking about what he did to you.

I hope that you are in therapy. I found a trauma therapist and I am also doing EMDR. I've done two sessions so far, not back to back, but after the sessions I felt so much peace, even if it lasted only for a moment.

I really believe that EMDR is helping me. My trauma therapist also wants me to attend a retreat that has to do with spouses who has been traumatized, let me think how to say it, traumatized indirectly through our spouses line of work. My wh also had other addictions that helped in destroying our marriage and my love for him.

I hope that you check in and let us know that you are okay.

Please check in and let us know you are okay.

posts: 906   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8816306
Topic is Sleeping.
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