I'm Really Not Okay

I'm trying to heal the pain my LH caused me from his excessive drinking, emotional abuse and his infidelities. And also trying to work through the grief of his death (March 2020).

Lately I've been realizing that I'm needing to get angry at him for what he did to me, our kid's and our marriage. I want to heal my soul. And not having any anger towards him has caused me to feel stuck in my life. I understand how I should feel but can't seem to get there. I have a hard time feeling anger. I was taught to forgive dispite the circumstances. I was taught to suppress my feelings of hurt and anger. IMO that was wrong.

David Kessler, grief expert, said one way to allow the anger to come is to hit a pillow and use "I" statements such as, I'm angry with you because you cheated on me. I'm angry with you because of your lies and your betrayals. I'm angry with you because you ruined our marriage by not being faithful, honest and true like you promised you would be. I'm angry with you because you ruined my trust in you. I'm especially angry and want to hate you because you ruined my life and my desire to live.

I have struggled so much these past several years because of having to deal with his abuse. I am also angry with myself for putting up with it in the first place. I just couldn't grasp the idea that he would cheat on me. I was in denial. I knew the drinking wasn't acceptable but I never allowed myself to believe that he was capable of cheating on me. Yet he was.

Not everyone understands the depth of pain betrayal causes. I feel like I am struggling pretty badly trying to get to a better place. And grief has no timeline but I just want it to be over with because of his betrayals. I "want" to feel anger and hatred towards him. I want to quit giving him a pass because we had good times together or he financially privided for us. That was never enough. I don't want to excuse his behaviors anymore. I want to feel the correct feelings, anger and hatred towards him because that is what he deserves. He doesn't deserve any compassion from me. And I then want to move on to a better way of living.

My deceased WH was an alcoholic and sex addict and he had a choice to change his ways but he chose not to. Instead he acted like he was changing and instead he swept his lies under the rug so that he could continue on with his deceptive lifestyle.

I am so over this. I want my life back. I deserve to feel better. I deserve to be better. I deserve so much more.

I never signed up to be mistreated, especially by my husband. He made thousands of choices to hurt me behind my back. What he did was never a mistake. They were CHOICES! I'm so tired of having any positive feelings for him because he did me so wrong. He never deserved me. My soul is continually in so much pain. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel right again. I think he literally has destroyed me. Even the therapist keeps asking if I'm going to be okay.

I'm not okay. All of this has been going on far too long. I want better, I need better. I hope that someday the sun will shine for me once again. I am so deserving of so much more. This pain has got to stop. It has to.

10 comments posted: Monday, July 25th, 2022