Reflections On Infidelity And The Death Of A Spouse

There are times when I just want to lie down and give up and let the world pass by me and do nothing except to lie down on my bed. But I know that this can't happen because I still have life left in me. And I also have others who are waiting for me to rise above my heartache and to live life fully once again.

Honestly, I don't think that is going to happen. Those days feel like they are gone. Now I'm living in full on reality and my life sucks... with my grief and sadness wanting to pull me into deeper, darker depression.

I don't want to let them down. They want to see me get better and to live a full and happy life once again, like they once remembered me living. But this journey that I have been on has been so hard to deal with.

The struggle of dealing with infidelity abuse, emotional and psychological abuse, alcoholism and then death of a spouse is real. I feel like he took so much from me before he died. I feel like he took my happiness and individuality away from me by his constant attractions to other women. This was at the time when he was "coming out" and beginning to show his true colors. Thankfully, I only had to endure this the last several years before his death. Yes and I did have to endure this torture because first of all I had no idea how bad of a person he really was at the time. And I also was financially dependent on him which today I think was a mistake to be.

All I ever wanted was to be able to take care of my kid's and to live a happy, fulfilling life with my husband and my family. That is all I ever wanted but he had to go and destroy what I worked so diligently to build.

His actions were horrible and they pretty much did me in! Such difficult things to endure. I'm so glad it's over. But during those moments he robbed me of so much and I didn't even realize and understand how bad things had really gotten. I was in complete denial and even stuck my head in the sand. I am still hurting to this day because most of my memories of us as a husband, wife and family have been warped by his abuse. So sad.

I feel he took so much from me. I was such a happy and joyful person before reality stepped in and reared its ugly head.

Yes, I was in deep denial. I didn’t want to believe my husband could do such horrible acts toward his wife, me! And to his kid's!

Infidelities, emotional and psychological abuse, abandonment, alcoholism. Thankfully there wasn't any physical abuse but I do believe it was heading in that direction, especially because I feel that he was agitated because I was standing in the way of him being with his mistress. I now hate to look back and see what a terrible person he was/became, however you choose to see it. At least in the early days of our marriage he could hide the fact that he was cheating on me and act like he was a loving, doting husband and father who loved and cared for his family... I know, image control.

I feel that he robbed me of my will to try. I feel like his abuse has robbed me of my desires, my looks. I feel while he was still alive, holding onto what I wanted him to be just about destroyed me. I thought that I could weather the storm. And I did weather the storm but now I feel like it reduced me to wreckage, just like after a hurricane hits land and destroys what was once a beautiful, authenticate, little town. I feel this is what he did to me. He destroyed me, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my looks, my will to live happily. His hurtful behavior and his actions changed me forever. I am just a shell of who I once was.

This aftermath of the destruction he caused has definitely been the hardest fight in my life. And I believe this was what he set out to do, destroy me. But I don’t want to be destroyed anymore. I want to live. I just don't know how to live anymore. He took that from me too. It's been over 3 years since his death and I still feel devastated, brokenhearted and destroyed. Do I need to allow myself more time to heal?

I had a therapist until recently. She told me to check in weekly through texting. We would do a Zoom meeting once a week and she would also tell me to text her, especially if I was feeling low because sometimes I would sink into deep sadness and she offered her support to me.

Maybe I misunderstood her request but I would tell her when I was feeling down and the first words out of her mouth were, you aren't going to do anything, are you?

I spent two years talking to this therapist, telling my deepest, darkest hurts and I never talked suicide to her. But when it was brought up by her I would tell her, sure I have my down days but I am not only dealing with the pain my now deceased WH caused to me but now his death. I told her that I had a lot of deep hurt and grief on top of everything else. And the best thing she could say to me was, you aren't going to do anything to yourself are you? And each time I told her no I wasn't going to but this sadness I feel can get so overwhelming. I feel like her constant asking this to me has pulled me down even further.

Needless to say she finally has understood that my grief and sadness are too complicated for her to help me with and I am now waiting to see a therapist who will be performing EMDR therapy on me. I just hope it helps. And I am also through with this therapist because it got to be too much when everytime I told her that I was feeling sad, she suggested I was going to hurt myself.

I honestly can't see how a therapist can be helpful putting these thoughts into my already sad heart and head. I feel like her words were beginning to break me down even further down than I was already feeling.

So glad our sessions are over. I need real and genuine support, not someone who is going to keep wanting to put bad thoughts into my head.

Maybe I am just being too sensitive over her constantly asking me if I was going to commit suicide, especially since I told her that I wouldn't do it because I would not want to hurt my family futher than my deceased WH had already done.

Anyways, I just wanted to express how I've been feeling. I am on fb group grief sites but it is very difficult to want to open up to those who don't understand the pain and emptiness infidelity causes. I wanted to be able to open up here because all of you do understand how destructive infidelity is.

I am having better days but it has been such a struggle to try to rise above the hurt he caused to me. At this point all I'm trying to do is to keep my head above water and hopefully my life will take a turn for the better, in time. But I do feel like he destroyed every ounce of the old me and I just haven't figured out how to rebuild a new me.

Thank you for listening. Any and all advice is welcomed. Thank you.

8 comments posted: Thursday, July 27th, 2023