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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:21 AM on Friday, September 2nd, 2022

Thank you @hurtmyheart, 1st wife and truthispower

I sincerley appreciate all your support

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753422
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 2:24 PM on Friday, September 2nd, 2022

I feel like the whole world is against me

This is so unfair sad

This hurts so much and can’t get passed it

[This message edited by Ebz40 at 2:24 PM, Friday, September 2nd]

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753473
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:16 PM on Friday, September 2nd, 2022

You're right. It wasn't fair. You did NOT deserve to be treated like that and you certainly didn't deserve for your WH to be gone like that without any kind of explanation at all.

(((((Ebz40)))))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8753580
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 11:45 AM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

This is a text my WH sent to his mistress shortly before he passed:

I would be lying if I said that any of this was easy. The fact is, it is not. This is 20 plus years and 11 of them within marrige that I'am walking away from. If there was any love in my heart for her it should be hard for me at this point and time. As I mentioned before even if I wanted to work things out with her there's just too much to ignore. Plus I know that things would never really be fixed. She has too much underlying things that seems to have surfaced and never been resolved. Furthermore, we just aren't a good match. There's too many variables to make me feel like she's not the person that I should be with.

Having our discussion earlier open my eyes to something between you and I. That thing is that you don't know ME. Perhaps you have an idea and maybe you can predict my actions in certain instances, but today I felt like you didn't know me. After we spoke and I put aside my emotions, I had to remember your past and how apprehensive it has made you. Like you said "I've dealt with this with Jose". But like many other things with Jose, he and I operate differently, even in this space. So I ask you to give me the opportunity to severe ties with her respectfully. There is so much raw emotion and pain on her end that I don't expect her to be ok with either of this at the snap of a finger everyone processes things in their on way.

You mentioned to me that you wanted to take things one day at a time with us. Which if I'm reading you correctly; you're saying that you don't want to rush things. It is evident that we want to be with one another but under the right conditions, with the right foundation. I ask that you trust the process of what I have going on. 4 months ago I never knew I would be in this sitaution but things have led up to this point and things will lead past this point. Whenever I prayed to God the word that keeps coming to mind in all of this is "Patience". I have to apply it in everything right now. I would never string you along and that is the part that bothers me. That you would think that I would willingly do so. The one thing I want to be with you is transparent and honest. When I told you what happened it wasn't meant to make you feel like I'm stringing you along, it was to keep you in the loop. So that you can feel the pulse on what's happenig. But when you said you was better off being by yourself it came off as cold and that's something that I didn't appreciate, because I know that deep down in your heart you know that I want YOU.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753680
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:57 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

This is a man in limerence. All of a sudden there is someone to drool over and the bs is looked at as the bad guy. Because he was very articulate in this letter means nothing. He was caught up in a new, unreal, romance. They are playing mind games with each other and themselves. He had no idea the amount of work that it takes to dismantle a marriage. You accumulate a ton of stuff in 20 years.

I might have missed it, how did he die?

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8753683
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 1:15 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Thank you Cooley2here

He died from a rupture in his aortic valve (heart aneurysm). This happened 4 weeks after I found out he was cheating on me. He was shocked by my discovery of his infidelity.

I believe the realization of this in conjunction with this affair he was having took a toll on him. He knew he was losing me as I was planning to divorce him. Plus I heard he was consistently having arguments with his mistress, so there was always problems there. In addition he was not living a healthy lifestyle. When he started seeing this person, he was drinking more, vaping and eating foods he was not suppose to (please note: he had a similar situation with his heart back in 2018 where he had a valve placed due to a rupture).

He bought this all on himself

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753685
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:18 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Ebz40,

As I read the text you shared my heart breaks for you.

Many/most of us in this site discovered texts that our spouses sent to others that reveal feelings, intent, and intimate details about how our spouses perceived their relationship with their A partner and even how they perceived their relationship with us.

To see your spouse's feelings, perceptions, and intent captured in written form is wrenching. Writing seems so permanent. There it is...captured for all time. Written down.

As betrayed spouses we go back to those written messages and rip our own hearts out again as we reread them. They become words we can recall from memory as we try to make sense of the nonsensical. "This person who I trusted with my love, with years of my life dedicated to this relationship, could live a separate life of betrayal." It seems beyond comprehension. Yet, we are left to try to process that new reality and comprehend it--so that we can heal.

You, Ebz40, have such complicated grief. The very sudden loss of your husband. The certain knowledge of his betrayals. The fact that he told you not to come to him just before he died because he was with his AP. Your own children and their grief. I can't even imagine it all... And yet I know it feels overwhelming. I see that. We hear you in your tremendous pain. If we could wrap around you in a huge hug and just not let go in real life, we would. So, we wrap around you with our words.

It it so very unfair that your husband can't face you as you process the grief of the betrayal. Yet you have to process it. Even though, they would be one-way conversations, write your conversations to him through letters or journals. Speak your thoughts out loud to him...at home, in your car, at his graveside. Vent your horror and anger and frustration and pain to him. Vent them to us. Vent to a counselor and to trusted friends or family.

You deserved so much better from him. His betrayals were due to his own flawed character.

You deserve healing.

We hear your pain and reach out to you. Keep posting, Ebz40. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 227   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8753686
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 1:41 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Thank you for your understanding and support @breakingbad

I’m not even sure how I’m writing any of this as my mind is everywhere

This has all been incredibly painful

I was a good wife to him even when he abused me. Yet he had the audacity to make me look like the bad spouse. All the while he was using and cheating on me.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753687
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:25 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

He was the typical midlifer. Hopes and dreams did not work out as planned. He felt his faults and failures too much and BINGO a woman was in the right place at the right time. She was no better than you. She was a figment of his imagination. I know several cheaters who married their AP. Those marriages have been ordinary, run of the mill relationships. People don’t leave themselves behind. I am quoting someone, wherever they go there they are. His crazy limerence made him believe in a whole new hopes and dreams. Guess how long they last.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8753692
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:30 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

I know a young woman whose valve was slowly pulling apart and they had a hard time finding a doctor who would do the surgery. It is a tricky one, very dangerous, but she is now married with children. Unless there was a doctor suited up I don’t think your h would have stood a chance. I am not a dr so I have no clue.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8753694
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:02 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

I believe now that he was in limerence. Remember this mistress was an old crush he had when he was a teen. Apparently she wasn’t interested in him back then. Fast forward she gives him an opportunity. Guess what? His ego is bigger than ever and feels accomplished that he got the girl of his dreams. He is reliving his youth.

I know that relationship was not going to last. It was already on the brink of being a disaster. Then he would’ve ended all alone

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753703
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:11 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

I'm in agreement with Cooley. I think what you're looking at is limerance and most likely.. future-faking. My WH said pretty much the same crap about me, and how he was going to leave me, and how he needed time, etc. etc. If you notice though, that whole message was about fobbing her off and making sure she wasn't mad at him for it. He even invokes God at one point when he MUST have known that adultery is a sin and God wasn't going to be on his side for it.

Imagine a masquerade mask, one that's hand-held with a long stick, and then imagine your WH holding it up to his face while he recites those words you posted. For many cheaters, my own fWH among them, this is the cheating experience. They put on a persona, like an actor with a mask hiding their face, and they say what they need to say (their lines) in order to keep the fantasy going. Mine said as much and worse as yours, but he was "in the moment", functioning INSIDE that particular box of his own compartmentalization, where his fantasy was real. Bringing the fantasy to life was the thrill, the point of the exercise. The OW herself had very little to do with it. She could have been anyone. What my fWH was looking for is the excitement of falling in love and the egoistic validation of sexual conquest. It wasn't meant to replace his real life, hence the lies and sneaking. He might have told her that he planned to leave me, but in real life he made no such plans.

Yeah, it's hurts like a son-of-a-bitch to read those things, but they aren't necessarily the real truth about your late WH. They were the truth of the moment, sure, but that's ALL that can be assumed of them.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8753704
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:33 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Exactly!

And yes he has no plans to leave me. However I had plans to divorce him the moment i found out he was cheating on me (I have zero tolerance for that)

I think he found out I was planning to divorce and sends a message to his mistress saying "that’s fine let her send those divorce papers. She needs to take accountability for her part in this"

What accountability??

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753707
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 3:54 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Exactly!

And yes he has no plans to leave me. However I had plans to divorce him the moment i found out he was cheating on me (I have zero tolerance for that)

I think he found out I was planning to divorce and sends a message to his mistress saying "that’s fine let her send those divorce papers. She needs to take accountability for her part in this"

What accountability??

YES!! And the most important part of this story was that he indeed was married!!

Keep going. You are on the right path to figuring out how ridiculous his behavior really was. And he knew it.

Maybe continue on with the divorce in your heart. There was another women on SI who did just that, divorced her cheating deceased WH in her heart. She even told others that she was divorced from him.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8753709
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 4:17 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Thank you @hurtmyheart

I’m just venting here

It’s frustrating to think after everything he put me through and all the trauma he caused me, he has the nerve to cheat on me and put the blame on me for the demise of our marriage. Meanwhile he was cheating me the entire time. So ridiculous

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753712
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

I understand Ebz40. My deceased WH told his coworkers all sorts of lies about me just so that he could continue to cheat with several women at his work. And some believed him! He was that good! He was handsome, a charmer and in a power position. And to think that I supported his growth with his job not knowing any of this of course. The women loved him apparently. And they loved how he made them feel. But he also knew how wrong he was.

I'm just so glad that those memories don't have a hold on me anymore like they once did and you will get there too. I am still amazed when I look at my past with him what a farce he was. I can almost laugh about how absurd his behavior was but I'm more disappointed and discussed more than anything. Such a disappointment.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8753715
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:45 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

I am also thankful I no longer am living in darkness and denial. I hated never understanding why my life felt like such a mess and a sham all of the time. But it wasn't me who had the issues, it was him! Unfortunately, I just married into his issues, not knowing how bad they really were of course. I could NEVER even phantom that he would ever cheat on me. And he did it right under my nose. Brought one of his girlfriends into house under false pretenses. And I believed him when he said that he loved me and would never cheat on me.

When I think about these things today, I feel like I want to kick myself in the butt for being so nieve and gullible. But then again, why wouldn't I have been? He was my husband who stood before God and promised fidelity, honesty, protection, love... he promised that he would take care of me.

What he did to me and us were his failings.

When I read the text message your WH sent to his mistress, I was thinking the whole time, but you were a married man!!! Who were you kidding?

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8753717
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 7:56 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Exactly! He was a married man. Smh

I couldn’t believe when I saw that!

Unbelievable!!

Meanwhile the day before he passed, his mistress says "is there something I need to know. I don’t want to be strung along" what an idiot

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753744
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 4:39 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

I believe my WH was addicted to porn.

I found a lot of evidence of this recently also. I saw in his web search history that he was in alot of sex chat rooms, websites.

Shockingly I also found evidence of animal porn. How sick???

I couldn’t believe it. Just typing this makes me feel sick to my stomach

It’s very disturbing. I definitely believe this probably played a huge role in the demise of our marriage.

I sit here wondering who the hell was I married to?

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753837
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 9:46 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Oh wow. That sucks. I know the online chat/porn stuff is awful and the feelings of betrayal they invoke are simply stunning. I remember ten years before my fWH's physical betrayal how awful it was, and honestly it was bad enough that I saw an attorney before I even confronted him. I'm so sorry, Ebz40. ((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8753876
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