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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
Husband cheated and died shorty after

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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

I agree

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750011
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 4:36 AM on Saturday, August 13th, 2022

EBZ,
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard without the addition of his death. I remember wishing I would cease to exist. I wasn't suicidal, but also didn't want to live anymore. I will tell you....it gets better with time. You have to be gentle on yourself. It sounds like he was a master-manipulator. You are not to blame for that. When we love and trust, we ignore the red flags sometimes...because we do not want to see them. That does not mean we are bad or wrong...we just didn't see them.

I would imagine the texts and photos were them being in lust. I know it is hard to put it out of your mind, but you need to. One thing I did was give my self so much time an hour I could ruminate...say 5 minutes, then I had to give it up and think on something else. That really helped with my mind movies. You might try it and see if it helps. Take care of you! Be gentle to yourself.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2121   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 8750317
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 12:22 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

This is so painful. I can’t seem to get over my husbands infidelity. To think he had an emotional spiritual (and physical) connection with someone else really hurts. Plus he was in love with her. I’m convinced he would have married her and had kids (she was almost pregnant with his kid but results came negative. I only discovered this recently)
Just so horrible. I’m really trying to deal with this

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750441
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 4:57 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Thank you @brokenhearted

Do you really think it was lust?

I feel a lot of the texts where very heart felt but you maybe right.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750463
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 5:49 PM on Monday, August 15th, 2022

I feel like I’m dying. I can’t function daily.

I can’t give my kids the attention they deserve because I’m in so much pain

Pleas help

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750546
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 6:25 PM on Monday, August 15th, 2022

Ebz,

If you haven't please read the "Why are affairs more addictive than other romantic relationships?" thread that is currently active in the General forum. Specifically look at hikingout's posts(especially the first one). It really sums up what a person will do to lie to themselves to keep an affair ongoing. They know deep down what they are pursuing isn't real. They have to build up their partner so much to make it seem like something is special; that is why the communication seems so deep and romantic. Otherwise, it's just a dirty affair.

--Did your WH move monies around to start his 'new' life?
--Did he change or get any life insurance policies for the AP?
--Did he have a will? Was AP listed as any beneficiary?

Was there anything other than his messages to AP that showed he planned on leaving you? My guess is no.

It must be near impossible after reading those messages to believe that he wasn't leaving you. It is something that you will never be able to prove or disprove with absolution. I can only say, after 10+ years being here and reading other's stories, the soupy over-the-top romanticism is commonplace. It is more the norm than the exception. Don't give it more meaning than it really had.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4093   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8750553
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:48 PM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

What are you doing to cope?
Have you read my posts where I try to describe what his thinking might have been?
Have you followed up on the advice to talk to someone with experience of helping abuse-victims?

IMHO you are trying to apply a normal yardstick to a situation that needs different tools to measure.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8750661
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 5:27 PM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

@jb3199 thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yes I agree that I shouldn’t give it more meaning than it is. To answer some of your questions: yes he did have life insurance and I was 100% beneficiary. He didn’t move monies around per say but did provide financial assistance to the AP and her children. In the messages at the very beginning of the affair, he did tell the AP he was not leaving me, but then that changed shortly before he passed away. Please note the AP was a former teen crush he had and at the time rejected him. But fast forward years later, she gave him an opportunity.
Also he was spending time with her kids also and totally neglecting his own.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750688
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

Hi @Bigger
In terms of coping, I have been attending therapy.
I talk to my family and close friends a lot.
I still work (remotely)
I went to the beach this weekend
However mentally no matter what I do, this is still painful to process
Please bear in mind this happened very recently
I found he was cheating on me in May 2022, he died in June 2022. So this is still very brand new. It’s difficult plus we have two children and we are all in pain and shock.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750689
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 3:16 AM on Wednesday, August 17th, 2022

EBZ,
In answer to your question, do I think it was lust...yes. Think back to your teenage love. You might still have some feelings there...feelings that in this time are not the same. I remember my first love and will always love him from that time but have zero desire to do anything about it. With someone that needs their ego pumped...if that person fed them ego kibbles, it would be really easy to desire the old relationship. But, as much of that relationship was lust from long ago. A desire to be young again, a desire to have everything new, and uncomplicated. However...it is a fantasy...it does not exist. He was chasing a fantasy.

I know it is fresh. Please continue therapy. You need grief counseling if that is not part of your therapy. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, and the loss of the relationship you thought you had. I had to do grief counseling about 1 year post D-Day. I was grieving the loss of my marriage as I knew it, my mother had died, and my job was eliminated (I had to relocate). Through all of this, my grief became so intertwined I couldn't resolve any of it. The grief counselor helped me peel the onion back and work through it all.

Make yourself do something every day for you. Even if you do not want to do it. You mentioned you were letting your kids down, are they aware of what is happening? If not, talk with your therapist about telling them. Keep posting, we are here for you.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2121   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 8750760
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 1:40 AM on Thursday, August 18th, 2022

Thank you @brknhearted

I sincerley appreciate your thoughts and suggestions

I just came back from one of my therapy sessions

One day at a time…

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8750916
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:27 AM on Thursday, August 18th, 2022

I know I sound tough on you but IMHO you might require some goading to move on…
The problem might be that you have a yardstick that you use to measure "love" and "commitment" and "marriage" and all that. We all have this yardstick and although it might vary in length between us individuals it’s more-or-less the same shape and form for all of us. My stick might be one or two inches longer than yours, or maybe a foot shorter. It’s still a tool that I can use to measure or evaluate what I think of as "love", what a marriage should be and how people should show and share care.
Only… your husband didn’t have the same stick. Not even one resembling a stick. He had a yard-square or a piece of elastic or whatever. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t capable of love and caring, only not in the way MOST of us see those terms.

In an earlier post I shared this:

As a cop I arrested men who had beaten their wives to inches from death. Like really battered them. As well as men that abused and subdued their wives so it was clearly visible. That look they had having been told a million times they were fat cows worth zilch… Yet these same men would profuse their love. They would claim having been forced to punch her or slam her to the floor because how much they loved them. They would cry in the ER wondering how they would make it if their honeybun didn’t make it, promising change and redemption… again.

These men felt "love" and "care" for their wives. The very same women they beat to near-death. Their yardstick – their concept of "love" and "marriage" and all that – was completely skewed and they used their bogus yardstick to define their "love". These people are a minority, and their sticks have little in common with what us "normal" people use.

So when you question if he loved you and all that… You are applying those terms as you see and define them to a man who defined them completely differently. It’s like trying to evaluate if a snake has a good running pattern. It’s trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.

Would he have left you? Well… based solely on what you share your husband was controlling and abusive – emotionally and occasionally physically. I repeat what I wrote earlier:

Would he have left you? We will never know, but I think he would have left the one that was the bigger problem. The one that demanded change. The one that forced a change. After all – he wanted to control and not be controlled.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8750919
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 3:23 AM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

@bigger thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it

Right now I’m just really to trying push through each day as best as I can. I’m no longer looking for answers at this time. I’m mentally and emotionally drained.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8752004
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:00 AM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

g
horrible story. I wish it was so easy as to compartmentalize it and walk away. Easier said than done. But if he was wllling to leave you and told you to stay home when he was dying and had AP at his side, then that would be my suggestion. Just take your history with him, put it in a photo book, tell your kids never to bring him up again, put that photo book in a safe and just move on. Focus on your interests, block him from your memory the best you can and live. Be free.

You truly deserved better. Better is out there btw

posts: 3581   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8752500
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 9:55 AM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

Thank you @Western

I want to support my kids and not prevent them from talking about him.

As far as my feeling towards him, there are alot of times where I think I hate him or maybe it’s just resentment for what he did .I typically don’t hate anyone.

I’m trying each day but it’s still painful.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8752512
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 7:31 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Get into some fb grief groups, especially with women only. Or join a grief group in person. You will hear or read similar stories and realize you aren't alone. Others have experienced this too.

No one knows the feeling of the death of a spouse until they experience it themselves. And to complicate things further you found out that he was cheating on you.

In time, you will resolve all of your emotions that you are currently experiencing. But it's a process and will take some time.

You seem like a caring, loving and kind person, Eb. Your deceased WH was the one with the issues and he chose to step outside the marriage to resolve his issues.

Looking back I can clearly see that mine decided that he didn't want to do the husband and dad role anymore and would rather enjoy all the other women who came at him. And that's exactly what he did. Thought the grass was greener on the other side. But it wasn't.

Yours did the same. She was just fresh and new to him is all. In his mind she probably looked and seemed more fun. But she wasn't. She was just a lonely woman wanting to steal another woman's man. Gave her some sort of ego boost and power trip. She thought it was LOVE but it wasn't. Not real.

We were the real deal and they blew it with us. And that is all that matters to me.


I'm sorry for you. The struggle is real but does ease up over time. I am finding myself more and more allowing my thoughts about him to roll right off my back. Kind of just allowing those memories drift away. Not allowing them to have such a stronghold on me anymore. You will get there too.

posts: 871   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8752637
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 12:23 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

Has anyone ever contacted or retaliated against the OW?

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753298
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:34 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

Lots of people do that.

Not advised. Here is why.

You both have kids. You don’t know if she will
Post on SM things that should not be posted. If your kids find out - they are doubly traumatized.

He is the one who betrayed your vows. Taking revenge on her only keeps you from healing.

What if she retaliates against you? What will you do?

What if she sues you for slander?

Things to think about.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8753336
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 Ebz40 (original poster member #80392) posted at 7:48 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to even ask that

I’m just so hurt

I know it sounds very immature and I know better. However she knew he was married with children and didn’t care. She is fully aware of who I am.

I definitely held my husband accountable when he was alive and he completely denied it. I’m just so bitter to think she is waking around living her life while I’m dealing with this pain.

She posted a video of him on her Instagram whilst he was in the hospital. How disrespectful? That makes me extremely upset.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8753346
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 8:06 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

She posted a video of him on her Instagram whilst he was in the hospital. How disrespectful? That makes me extremely upset.

Ebz, you're rightfully upset. What AP did was absolutely wrong and inconsiderate. But, you have to keep in mind that she's also a very broken person. This kind of behavior is normal to her as it was normal to your late WS mad .

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 216   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8753352
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