Stayinghopeful and Ebz40, I can relate. I am 2 1/2 years out from my deceased WH death and I still find it hard to cope at times. But I take things one day at a time and that mostly seems to help. I am also getting myself back into hobbies and joined the gym again. He wasn't able to rob me of everything I enjoyed in life.
I still struggle with how can I have loved someone who would do this to me. My therapist calls my relationship with him a love/hate relationship. He still manages to break my heart. I'm still in disbelief that he was who he was. I never thought he was capable of cheating on me. Swore he would never even consider it because he luuuuuved me.
Well, today I know that his love for me was different than my love for him was. I based my love for him on being faithful, honest, true, friendship, my one and only, etc. His love for me was well... different, I guess. I just know that I will never allow myself to be in a relationship with someone else that has these kind of traits. I just couldn't have a repeat of what I went through with my deceased WH.
Just curious, were either of your deceased WH alcoholic or an addict? Mine was an alcoholic and serial cheater. And early on in our marriage, he also told me that he was obsessive/compulsive. Said that while growing up his mother who was so mean and cruel to him used to tell him that if he didn't lock the front door when he left the house and she found out, she would beat his ass. He told me that he became so fearful of her that at times he would drive away then drive back home multiple times to check to make sure he locked the front door. She was a terror to him. Beat him severely on multiple occasions. His father also was also an alcoholic and objectified women. His older brothers and uncles were poor examples too.
I think that his father was the worst. His father felt it okay to walk around in his underwear around me. I told him to put clothes on and he got pissed at me. He also enjoyed watching porn and had a colletion of sex toys, not for the bedroom but sex toys. And he just had to show me. I think he also cheated on his wife from what my deceased WH had told me about his parents past. There is more but this is enough information to get my point across.
What a dysfunctional family he came from. And obviously I came from a dysfuctional family too. Serious drug and alcohol addiction, mental illness, constant fighting and chaos. Cops always showing up at our house because of these reasons. So embarrassing and humiliating thinking about what went on in my younger days. And I believe that my mom had issues with staying faithful and lying about everything. My deceased WH was also constantly lying too. It seems like everytime he opened his mouth, a lie would come out of it.
The pain of who my deceased WH was and his death definitely took its toll on me. Worst experience I had ever gone through in all of my life. It has been very overwhelming to accept at times.
I especially remember the last few years before his death. Seems like he was "coming out" and was beginning to reveal his true self to me. Was constantly flirting with and making comments about other women. I felt SO unsafe around him. It was horrible! And the sick part was that I thought that we were in R. But I now also realize that his behavior as a married man was so extreme that it confused me because my values were different than his were. Cheating to him was his norm. He just forgot to tell me.
But I guess that I am thankful that he did the right thing and took care of me in his death. I can look at this in two different ways though because the emotional and psychological toll has been so great. He gave me the opportunity to continue on with my life in comfort, or he prolonged my having to live on this earth. Most days because I have my kids to live for I still find reasons to live. And sometimes I don't want to live anymore because of the memories of who he was and what he put me through.
Just so you know, these feelings are absolutely normal. Life surely can suck and we have been given an almost impossible challenge to evercome. And this is why I choose to stay in one day at a time. And sometimes what he did still takes a heavy toll on my soul.
What are your deceased WH backgrounds? And can you see anything with their history that could have been red flags early on?
Just a reminder, I am not condoning what they did because of their history. We all have a past but still didn't use cheating as a coping mechanism.
I'm so sorry the two of you are having to experience this. I will say that my days for the most part have gotten better and I'm also so much more aware of the kind of people who exist in this world. And I'm no longer in denial. And I no longer have to deal with the continuous emotional pain that he was causing. Kind of disgusts me to think about this but he was also very kind to me. And at the same time makes me cringe from the thought of what I put up with from him. And I also believe my subconscious mind had accepted that he was cheating on me because my body and heart shut down early on in our marriage once he cheated. "I" truly wanted to believe in him and forced myself to believe that I still loved him eventhough at the time I stuck my head in the sand and was still in deep denial. Didn't really know how to see the truth and I was afraid to be divorced and raising my two kids alone. So I stayed in painful denial and stuffed my feelings down.
My eventual goal is to get to a point of indifference. Don't want to love him or hate. I want him to be a distant memory of someone I used to know and someone who wasn't right for me when all is said and done. Just a bad decision marrying him. But of course I love my kids. I just wish that I would have listened to myself early on when I saw those first red flags.