Newest Member: AcesEights

Stayinghopefull

Joined SI 17 years ago when H had year long affair.
Found 5 new OW in the past 6 months. Heading towards D.
Two wonderful teen kids that don't deserve this.
Me: BS 48 H: WS 50 Together 27 yrs, Married 22 yrs

He’s going to a hotel to meet OW. Should I hire a PI?

Based on text from my WH and OW are meeting at a hotel tonight. I saw the text on phone. Has anyone ever hired a PI?

9 comments posted: Sunday, November 7th, 2021

Help. Found burner phone

So I just found my WH burner phone in his car. Found text about them wanting to kiss each other all over. Do I put it back or do I keep it???

We are in the process of S and D but living under the same roof.

I don’t know what to do. I almost want to keep it. If anyone is still awake I would love some advice

23 comments posted: Friday, November 5th, 2021

Stbwxh spreading false information to mutual friends

I need some advice. STBWXH is telling our mutual friends false information. I have only told one of my best friends. Meanwhile since I told WH I want to separate he’s been telling everyone. He told one person that he has been unhappy for a year and I have been unhappy for 4/5 months. Which is a complete lie and he knows it. I have been practically begging him to be a better father for years. Even our kids know the truth and know that he is lying to everyone and not telling the whole truth.

I have 180’d and gray rocked him. How do I tell him to stop telling lies to people. I’m sure he won’t tell them that he had an affair 17 years ago and has had 4 EAs that I have found out about in the past 5 months.
And that he has a new OW in the past week that he has been talking to constantly when he’s not at home or I’m the middle of the night when I’m asleep??

I know there are two sides to every story. But I really want to tell him to stop saying I’ve only been unhappy for 4/5 months. That is completely untrue and he knows it

8 comments posted: Monday, October 25th, 2021

Any BS moved out of home before D was final?

My attorney advised me to stay in our marital home. However, WH is not moving out. We are going to be trying to sell our house. WH has another OW that he has been talking to on the phone constantly. Just last night they talked to almost 1am. I’m sleeping in our spare bedroom. He’s in our room. I just don’t know if I can continue to live with him. I feel physically sick when he is around. I have gone gray rock on him and not talking to him at all. I’m just enjoying taking care of the kids and spending my time with them. I’m going to ask my attorney about me and my kids moving out before we sell our house but wanted to see if any other BS’s have any advice.

7 comments posted: Sunday, October 24th, 2021

Just need to vent...stbxwh has another ow

I just can’t believe that this is my H. He isn’t even hiding it anymore. He’s been talking constantly to this new OW since last Thursday. This was the same day he was texting me that he wanted to be married and the best father to his kids. I told him 3 days ago that I wanted to separate because it’s obvious he will not change. This is the 5th woman in 6 months that I know of. All I have proof of is EA’s but PA/EA at this point doesn’t even matter. He disgusting and I can’t wait to be done with this. He is not moving out. We have to live together until we sell the house. I can’t stand being in the same room with him. I don’t even talk to him. I will not let him get a rise out of me. He got mad last night because I didn’t make his dinner. Ummm....excuse me, we are separating and divorcing and you have a side chick you talk on the phone to as soon as you leave the house. I am not going to put your dinner on a plate and bring it to you like I have for the past 26 years. I wish there was a way for me and my older teens to move out. He can be nice to them but can also be emotionally abusive to them at times. It breaks my heart. I’m so thankful I have a close relationship with them. They totally support me divorcing him. I just can’t believe someone can be this heartless but at the same time I so excited for the day I am free from him.

7 comments posted: Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

How accurate are the reverse lookup websites?

Just wondering how accurate the reverse lookup websites are. H has been communicating with a new number for the past three days. They have talked quite often. 8 times today over 2 hours total. 5 times yesterday for over an hour. 2 times Saturday for 30 minutes. The name that came up when I did a search on two websites was a female name in another state, far away from us. One website I pay for, the other was free. So far these searches have been accurate when I have looked up other numbers. I have no idea who this person is. We live in a no fault state, but a person can be held accountable for doing things that led towards D. I just wish I could figure out who this person is. H knows I can see the phone records, so maybe its nothing. Just still seems odd.

6 comments posted: Monday, October 18th, 2021

Telling H I want to separate

So after much thinking and planning I have decided it’s time to tell H I want to separate. I have two options. One, H leaves and rents an apartment while we sell or house. Two, H stays while we try to sell the house then we go our separate ways.

It was two weeks ago I found out that H met another girl at a bar exchanged numbers and then the next night invited her to a hotel he was entertaining customers at. I don’t think she ever came but that doesn’t matter. The fact that he did something like that again is so wrong. When I asked H about it he was sarcastic and rude and said "okay I won’t text her again". Just so disrespectful. I basically haven’t spoken to him in the past two weeks other than when I have too.

He hasn’t apologized to me face to face. He is acting like nothing ever happened. He wants me to rug sweep. But I’m not going to this time. The only somewhat apology he has given me was via text. Kind of sad.

This is the text from H sent this past week

Let me start by saying I do love you.

We need to figure something out, either we are going to try and work this out (that’s what I want)

Or

We need to figure something out. It’s hard to be around the house and you don’t want to talk, see or hang with me. It truly stinks. I wish we could get back to our old relationship. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Love you

This was my response

I think you need to decide if

you want to act like a married man with a father of two teenage girls or if you want to continue to act like a single man. You literally exchanged numbers with another girl at a bar and invited her up to a hotel less than two weeks ago. I am not going to continue to be treated like this. This is three other women in the past year (that I know of) that you have either spent the night at their house, text behind my back and inviting them to hotels. This is not appropriate behavior for a married man. If you think it is then we do not be to be together. I will not continue to be with someone that continues to disrespect me and our daughters. I would never want a man to treat Grace and Claire the way you have treated me nor would I want them to marry a man that would treat their future kids the way you have treated them.

You show no remorse for what you have done. I could never imagine ever doing those types of things to you. I would never communicate and/or do things with other men in the way that you have done throughout our marriage. We have had this same exact conversation numerous times and you say your going to change but you don’t. I can only forgive you so many times. When someone repeatedly treats you this way, with so much disrespect, it’s hard to forgive when they don’t even seem to care.

If you are going to continue to keep us on this roller coaster then maybe you need to move out and decide what you want. Do you want to act like a married man with two amazing daughters? Or do you want to continue acting like a single man?

The excessive drinking, hiding of text and not coming home at night needs to stop. If you can’t do these things then you are right. Things definitely need to change. I do not want to be going through this again 6 months, 2 years, 5 years from now. I want peace in my life.

His response back to me

I totally understand what you’re saying. I want to be married to you and be the best father I can be to our daughters. I love you and our family.

After this text I said nothing back to him. He’s been talking to me and the girls like nothing happened. Asking us about going to trips, etc.

I haven’t told anyone about this other than my parents. I’m nervous about telling him but I can’t go on like this. He just wants me to forget about what he has done and I have done that too many times.

He had an affair 17 years ago. I feel like if I stay this time it will just happen again 3,4,5 years from now. How can the only way he somewhat apologizes be over a text. He shows no remorse whatsoever. He doesn’t seem to get how his actions have hurt me and his kids. I’m just numb inside towards him. He’s lied to me so much that I just can’t see me continuing in the marriage. He has sucked all the joy and love out of me.

I don’t know why but I feel guilty for even posting this here but it does make me feel better to get it out.

15 comments posted: Monday, October 18th, 2021

Why am I so nervous...

I’m about to ask H who the girl is that he exchanged numbers with last Friday night at a bar, then invited her to the hotel he was entertaining customers at on Saturday night.

Why am I so nervous??

This is the third girl in the last 6 months that he has exchanged numbers with and I found them texting to each other.

First girl was 28, H is 50. They went out one night and he spent the night at her house because he said he had to much to drink. I was out of town with our girls for one of their activities. He didn’t tell me about this. I found out because my girls said his location was off. When confronted he told me he spent the night at her house but nothing happened.

2nd girl is 24. Found a text where she was asking him when he was coming up to said bar again. He said soon. Tell another girl I miss her and that " I love you ladies".

Now this girl. H goes out with customers Friday night. I find a text from a random number that just says "Jennifer!" At 11:00 at night. H gets home that night at midnight. The next morning he send a selfie to her of him and a friend drinking a beer on the golf course at 8am. She responds "OMG y’all are crazy. Let us know where the party is at later". Around 6:30 he text her "I’m at said hotel with customers. Come up". She responds she was at another bar and if he was coming to the bar they were at the night before. He said no. He was staying at that hotel with customers.

That was the last text. H never came home that night. I haven’t said anything to him about it yet. I’ve just been getting my ducks in a row with my attorney and a realtor when we have to sell our house quick because we separate.

The kids are not here now so I have a chance to ask him who Jennifer is. I know he will just say a friend. But why the heck did he invite her to the hotel. Also he knew from the last girls he text that he was crossing boundaries but he still did it again. He didn’t even invite me up to hang out with the customers and have a drink.

I’m nervous to ask him. 1 don’t know what he is going to say and don’t want him to blow up. He’s going out of town tomorrow until Sunday. I really want to know his response about who this new girl is before he leaves.

I have one foot out the door already and this is going to be interesting to see what he says about this one. Somehow he will probably turn it around on me, blame me and call me names.

He already had a 1 year long affair 17 years ago with an 18 year old girl. I stayed because we had a 6 month old baby at the time and I couldn’t bare to leave him and have to share custody and I wanted to give him another chance.

I’m just nervous. Not sure why. I really don’t care what he says. I haven’t told him I want to D yet. Just trying to get everything set up. My kids are older teens and they totally supporting me leaving him. They love him. But they know he has treated me and them like crap. He’s a textbook narcissist. Does what he wants, lies and cheats. Then love bombs us with money. We are done. I just want to see what he has to say about this one.

Also. If anyone is still reading this. If your H or W was texting women/men half your age and hiding it, would you care? Just want to make sure I’m not overreacting. I don’t feel like I am but with D looming in the future I want to be sure

19 comments posted: Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Selling a house quick

Has anyone that has gone through a D or in the process of a D ever used one of those realtors that will by your house quickly? I don’t want to go through showings etc. I’m ready to sell now and go our separate ways asap. Any advice or help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance

17 comments posted: Monday, October 4th, 2021

I need strength. It’s over. I am done.

So I have sadly been here off and on for the past 18 years. I really feel like my H has a personality disorder or something going on. I’m just need to vent. From what I can tell from the text on his Apple Watch that he left at home he met another 20 something girl last night. He’s entertaining customers at a fancy hotel in our city tonight and invited her there. He said I’m at said hotel, come up. Wtf. I am so done. He is such a selfish sob.
I’ve already been in contact with the attorney I spoke to when he had an affair when our oldest was a baby. 18 years ago. I’m scared and nervous. But not sad. He’s not worth the tears. I’ve talked to my parents some about what’s going on recently and they are super supportive. I just haven’t told any friends and feel very alone. I have so many amazing friends that think our relationship is great. I’ve always been one to put on a happy face but I really need to talk to some friends on real life. I feel like that time has come. He’s pretty much doing this blatantly in front of my face. Feels good to vent. I’m done

9 comments posted: Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

“You keep bringing it up”

I know I sounds like an idiot. I read back through my post and wonder why I stay. I guess life is more complicated than just reading a few post. If it was someone else writing what I have I would tell them to run. But here I am trying to work things out with my H again.

H said today, "He loves me, he’s sorry and he wants to work things out". And also says "you keep bringing it up". I literally just found out about this other 21 year old he’s been texting and talking too last week!

What do you say when they say "you keep bringing it up? It’s like no shit I keep bringing it up. I want answers. I want the truth. I know at some point you do need to stop bringing it up but it’s been a week. And I am not going g to rug sweep this.

He swears they are just friends and that he will not talk to them again. I’m just so confused. I read all of these other post and the amount of hurt that some others have gone through with having proof that their partner was in a PA. I don’t have any proof of anything other than phone records and text. Sometimes I wonder if I am overreacting but I don’t know any woman that would be okay with what my H has done.

26 comments posted: Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Text not showing up on phone records

Is there a way for WS to send text to other women and it not show up on our phone records? I just went to look on our phone company’s website and the text chain I found is not on his phone log. I found it on his Apple Watch. Is there an app that people use that may not show up on records but would show as a text? I’m so glad I got pictures of the text chain the other night between him and those girls. Otherwise it looks like I have no other proof. Why do people have to be so dishonest. I’m tired of wasting my time investigating but I feel like this is part of the process of knowing that my H will never change. I am oddly at peace with this. I am not sad or anything. The only thing I am mad at is how he is hurting or kids

4 comments posted: Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Please help! Need advice on what to do

Backstory for me.....I was here 17 years ago when H had a 1 year long EA with a co-worker (pretty sure it was a PA too). A little over a month ago I was out of town with our kids and H picked up a woman, went to a bar and then spent the night at her house. He didn't tell me, but I found out and he admitted it. Said nothing happened. I am not sure what to think, but have just been trying to figure out what my next step is, while also enjoying the end of the summer with my kids.

H has been turning his phone off at night, hiding it on occasion, and deleting emails, text, etc. Not alot of history on his laptop and also he deletes his text alot. H is playing golf with friends today but left his apple watch at home. I decided to take a look at it and found this text message from last night.

text from H:

Hey, Please tell _____ I said hey. See you guys soon.

reply from other person: She said "like how soon"

text from H: I love you ladies so much

reply from other person: We love you most!!

reply from H: big red heart emoji

reply from other person: Me and ______ are begging you to come up here tonight!!

reply from H: Exhausted. Ran 4.8 miles in 42.20 this morning at 7am Then changed oil, cut grass, and fertilized the yard. Had a guy run into my car at the gas station while I was pumping gas. Not tonight.

reply from other person: :( okay!! See you soon

The other persons name is a name that could be guy or a girl. But from H's reply....he said "I love you ladies so much". So it sounds like another woman. I also have no idea who Steph would be. We don't know a Steph.

Also, H said a guy hit his car at a gas station. The car that was hit was mine! Why didn't he say....a guy hit my wifes car...

He also was talking about his run he had yesterday morning. He was running because I asked him to do a race with the gym I work out at. We ran that race together, but he is just talking about himself.

I'm just not sure what to do with this info. I want to ask H who the heck these people are, but I also am not sure if I should wait to see if I can find out more. I looked on his laptop but this text is deleted from there. He knows I can look at his laptop, but I don't think he realizes that his apple watch can show text, because he leaves it here sometimes.

Should I get a burner phone and try this number and see who answers? not sure what to do or how to handle this. Is it just me or is that text conversation not a conversation a married man should have??

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 4:49 PM, August 2nd (Monday)]

53 comments posted: Sunday, August 1st, 2021

H hiding his phone at night

H had an year long EA with co-worker 17 years ago. Probably was a PA too but he would never admit it. Fast forward to now...I was out of town with our kids about a month ago and H picked up a woman, they went out together that night and he spent the night at her house. He tried to hide it but I found out and he admitted it and said nothing happened. He said he had to much to drink and couldn’t drive home so they walked to her house. He deleted her from his phone and supposedly isn’t talking to her anymore. Maybe nothing did happened but he still crossed a major line.

Anyways, H has been hiding his phone at night. Friday night it was under our bed. Last night is was under a couch cushion. This is just so dumb and childish. I found it both of these night and could not find anything on his phone that seemed off. So if nothing is on his phone why is he hiding it? Dumb question I know, he’s got to be hiding something. I haven’t asked him why he’s hiding his phone. Wanting to see how long this last and also maybe I will find something one of these days? I have access to our phone records so I can see any numbers he is texting or calling. I just hate that he put us back in this situation again.

25 comments posted: Monday, July 26th, 2021

How to do the 180 when you have kids around

How do you do the 180 around the kids (mine are 17 & 15) with out looking like I’m the mean one? Long story short H had an A 17 years ago. We obviously R’d and things have been okay with bumps in the road. Just recently I was out of town with my daughters at one of their sporting events and he had to much to drink at a bar and spent the night at another woman’s house. He even picked her up to go to this bar. Then also spent the night there. He tried to hide it and but I asked and he said he spent the night there but nothing happened. I am having a hard time believing that nothing happened but even if it didn’t he still shouldn’t have done that. He admits he was wrong..blah blah blah. I couldn’t imagine ever doing that to him and our girls. anyways....just trying to figure out how when we are doing family things or just at home and he’s trying to act like nothing happened how do you do the 180 in front of the kids without seeming like a bitch. I don’t even want to talk to him right now. Still trying to decide my next step and don’t want to rush to Separate or D because of the kids and how much this will affect them. My girls know what he did because they are the ones that saw his location turned off that night. So sadly they know some of the details.

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 8:09 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

8 comments posted: Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

This decision doesn’t just affect me...

I think what is so hard about deciding it’s time to D is that it doesn’t just affect me, it affects my kids too... if it was just me it would be so easy. I think I’ve sucked things up for so long to keep things normal for my girls. But it don’t think I can do it anymore

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 10:22 PM, July 5th (Monday)]

10 comments posted: Monday, July 5th, 2021

Seeing other couples happy..

My first time here was 17 years ago when H had a year long affair. We stayed together and have had some good times. Two weeks ago I found out my H spent the night at a woman’s house after drinking too much. I’m sitting outside listening to neighbors having a 4th of July party and just miss being happy. Why did my H have to do this again. Things could be so much better. I miss that carefree feeling of being happy with my spouse. I still have happy times with friends and kids. But feel like he crushed our chances of happiness again.

13 comments posted: Sunday, July 4th, 2021

Just found out...again

I found this place 17 years ago when my H had an affair with a co-worker. I’ve been here on occasion over the years when he has done something else suspicious but this past weekend he did something I don’t know if I can forgive. Our daughters are now 17 and 14. My daughters and I were out of town this past weekend. DH was going out with friends on Saturday night. The next morning my daughters were going to text him Happy Fathers Day and noticed that he had turned his location off on his phone. The last place it said he was at was the bar he went to. This was very suspicious because he never turns his location off. He turns it back on when he got home Sunday morning. I went to our phone app and noticed he had called a female “friend”Saturday evening before he went out. He also called her around 1:00am. This was a huge red flag for me. I knew something wasn’t right. We got home Monday, I didn’t say a word to him about it because the kids were around. Tuesday morning I asked him if he spent the night at home Saturday night. He said no. I asked him were he stayed and he said the female “friend’s” house. I asked why he cut his location off. He said he didn’t, that he always turns his phone off at night, which is a lie because his last location was the bar he was at. He intentionally cut his location off because he knew he was doing something wrong and didn’t want me to know where he was. He said he drank too much so he spent the night at her house. I’m just so mad that he would do something like this again. He said nothing happened, but I’m having a hard time believing him. He’s out of town until Sunday and I’m so glad he’s out of town so I have time to process what just happened. We’ve been married over 20 years but I just don’t know if I can forgive him again. Even if nothing happened, a married man should never spend the night at another women’s house. Why didn’t he get an Uber? Or go home with a male friend? So many questions I need answers too. So I guess I’m at a cross roads. I forgave him once, do I do it again? Or is this my chance to be free of this type of relationship since he knew if he ever did something again it would be over? Just sad we’re even in this situation again.

22 comments posted: Thursday, June 24th, 2021

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