DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.
Can a mod please contact me?
1 comment posted: Sunday, December 6th, 2020
I Don’t Need My Rear-View Mirror
Five years and I’m looking forward rather than backward. It is possible to be relieved of the dark cloud that infidelity brings. The awful trauma that comes with a betrayal deeper than life itself – when your spouse breaks their vows and disregards the life built together to gain some instant gratification. It sounds so simple, but its impact is so great.
While the trauma is now part of the fabric of my being, so are the constructs associated with its recovery, which have made me a new and better version of myself. So many things changed post-infidelity. So many setbacks have ensued as well. And with every setback came a gift – a set of unprocessed emotions that required me to look harder and deeper to gain back a healthier version of myself. With it comes a heck of a lot of strength that seemed so illusive in those first months and years. It seems as if we will never be okay and the feelings of doubt and pain that come with being so disregarded are so prescient making it seem impossible for them to ever dwindle.
I’m here to give hope – lots of hope. It is true that everything is different now. But with time I’ve learned to appreciate the difference. It isn’t that I’m grateful for infidelity – quite the opposite. I still wish it never happened but can accept that it has and can drive towards a different life that is more real, more honest, more mindful, and more rewarding. This is my post infidelity life and it is for me, for all of us, to (eventually) enjoy. If your WS also does the work then perhaps you can drive forward together.
Use the despair you feel now as a call to action. Leverage the great therapists out there who not only understand you, but who challenge you to tap those difficult emotions that are scary beyond words. Through this process your healthier self will emerge. Don’t back away from the pain – it will only eat you up alive. Confront it, confront your truths, be real with your spouse no matter how difficult the words and emotions. Many times I was 100% sure I would not stay in my M. I knew it and my WS knew it. The pain and the barrenness too much to accept left both of us drained and isolated. That’s what we needed though – we needed to be with ourselves, alone with our emotions, real with each other, and in various stages of therapy to get ourselves readjusted to something different.
I don’t need the rear-view mirror because it is always with me and already showing me the road traveled is mine to drive forward. Please know this is likely some of the most difficult work you will ever do. Don’t minimize your need to work on yourself – rather than your M or your spouse – in the beginning. You are worth it and when this trauma is processed you can forge ahead in any manner that suits you best. Then you can work on relating to each other. At the five year mark this anti-versary is much more of a blip than a take down. It is a reminder however, of the outcome we just cannot control.
I wish you well in your journey. Don’t stop trying to get better. It is worth it. The pain does subside and you will be happy again.
35 comments posted: Monday, November 23rd, 2020