Nightmares

Hi everyone at SI

It’s been a long time since I posted on here for myself. My dday was 18 months ago. I hope I am posting in the right forum. Forgive me if it isn’t the right forum!

I just wanted to get some advice re nightmares and feeling like I am still stuck feeling angry and resentful. Mostly it’s the nightmares I would like advice about and if this is normal? Especially well over a year later?

I was absolutely devastated for a long time post dday as my ex left me for the OW. It’s a long story but it was very unexpected. We were making very big life plans. It was a huge shock. He was also covertly emotionally abusive (I know now). I was a mess for about 11 months in total. I’ve had NC since Sept last year. I guess I thought I would be fully healed by now. I did all of the right things, IC for a long time and hobbies, yoga etc. I even have a new and very caring partner (early days, taking it slow). My new partner knows about my ex and what happened. He is very understanding.

I just have a lot of nightmares. I dream of him and her. At least weekly and often more. They are really detailed dreams where the OW talks to me. I know it sounds crazy, maybe I am crazy! I’m embarrassed to admit them but feel ok saying it here. The dreams are very upsetting. I know that I am still getting over what happened.

Has anyone else experienced this? I still feel angry. I never saw him again after dday. It was a brutal discard.

Thank you. Just talking about the nightmares here really helps! I would be really grateful for any advice you may have. I was hoping they would go away but they aren’t. I don’t feel able to talk to anyone else about this.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Just wanted to say thank you

Hi everyone at SI
I just wanted to reach out to everyone at SI to say thank you. I’ve been away for a few months now and I would consider myself well on the road towards healing, and a massive part of that healing was the support I received here.

It’s just over a year since since my world was upended by the person I loved and trusted. I know now that trust was misplaced and I ignored or was blind to red flags. Time and NC makes you see things very, very clearly.

I just wanted to say thank you to you all. You were there for me every step of the way. My rock. I could talk to you when my friends didn’t know what to say. You were there for me when I didn’t want to ‘burden’ my friends. You were there for me when I couldn’t go into work and went off sick. You were there for me when I was at my lowest. I didn’t have to be OK with you. I remember a night when I cried on my sofa all night- I sent a message and you were all there and your messages of support kept me going when I felt I couldn’t keep going. You have sound, practical and helpful advice. I never felt judged but your honesty-especially around the all important NC- helped me move forward.

Thank you all. It’s hard to put into words how your support pulled me through- and it did pull me through. I will never forget the support I received here and it is my hope that my future posts will help others.

Anyone that is new and going through the pain we all know only too well, please keep posting. It was my lifeline many times. I remember an SI soul posting that it gets better- I never believed it- but honestly, it does get better. It really does.

As for my XWS I’m glad he has gone! I never thought I would say that. I see now that I dodged a bullet as my SI friends said all those months ago. I blamed myself for his cheating, I don’t anymore. My self confidence is returning.

Newbies keep going and keep posting. It really does get easier. And SI is always there for you.

Thank you again.

10 comments posted: Friday, February 24th, 2023

Really Struggling Today

Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me posting again. Your supportive messages from my last post really helped me so much.

I’m really struggling at the moment- 4 weeks ago my partner of 3.5 years left me while we were in the process of trying for a baby and buying a house. He admitted to me that he had met an ex from 5 years ago for coffee to gain closure (she left him 5 years ago) so he could ‘fully commit to me’ and that the old feelings came back for both of them. He ended things with me to pursue her.

I just feel so heart broken by this. I can’t stop thinking if he is with her or not. I’m trying my very best to be strong through it but it’s so hard. The shock was just so awful. We had our whole future planned.

I don’t understand my own feelings as I still love him (we had a great relationship). He has reached out to apologise many times but not trying to reconcile- none of it makes me feel any better. It’s like there was another secret side to him that could do something like this.

I am now in no contact for 2 weeks. To be honest with you I had hoped that he would try to reconcile things- i feel really embarrassed to admit that.

I just didn’t expect to miss someone who has hurt me so deeply. Thank you for listening. X

9 comments posted: Saturday, February 5th, 2022

In shock and disbelief

Hi everyone. I’ve never posted on a forum before but I am so glad and grateful that I can reach out to people who understand what it is like to have the bottom fall out of your world when someone you love and trusted cheats on you.

This happened to me just over a week ago. I was with my partner for 3.5 years. He was like my best friend and partner rolled into one. I have never had such a close bond with any partner. Our relationship was really good, we laughed and had fun and the physical side of our relationship was always good. We never argued. He had commitment ‘wobbles’ on a couple of occasions but he would always come back to me and we would sort it out. Other than the wobbles he was a good partner, kind, gentle, supportive and romantic.

We always talked about our personal relationship issues and how our childhoods had affected our relationship styles, I felt he could be avoidant. But this bought us closer in a way and there was never any game playing. I really feel that we brought out the best in each other. I was and still am very in love with him.

Two months ago we decided to buy a house together and try for a baby, this was something he wanted. We had a long conversation and decided we were both ready. We viewed properties and picked a house together and put an offer in which was accepted. We spent all our time talking about our future and getting excited. Things were great between us.

Because things were so good it was a massive shock when last week he called me to say that he needed to talk to me. We met up abs he told me that he was having the same feelings again- wanting to run when things get serious which is his pattern in relationships. He told me that he feels that there is something ‘missing’ with me, that he doesn’t have the strong feelings like he did for his ex (they separated 5 years ago). At this point I just got a feeling and I asked him if he had met up with her- he admitted that he had. He said that he wanted to meet her so he could find out why she left him years ago, get closure so he could ‘give himself fully to me’. But he said that all the old feelings returned for both of them, that they had been messaging ever since and were going to ‘give things a go’.

I was unbelievably angry, as while they were messaging he was still taking me to view the house and also continued to try for a baby with me. The betrayal has cut me to the core. I still am in shock and cannot believe he was emotionally cheating on me (or more) while still being with me. I feel like my future has disappeared. I have had limited contact as I just couldn’t bear to read the messages he sent me about her ‘how he has never felt like this with anyone before’. I’m struggling to work, I can’t eat and I miss him so much. In his last message he said that he is truly sorry for hurting me, that he knows he has commitment issues and is going to stay with his family for a while (they live overseas) and will get therapy when he returns (I have suggested this for a long time).

I just feel like my best friend has stabbed me in the back and my confidence has been crushed. She is younger than me. My mind keeps going over and over what he was doing behind my back. I can’t sleep. All I want to do is reach out to him and try to sort this out but I am too vulnerable at the moment. I can’t bear to hear about her which is what I am most scared about- this is stopping me talking to him.

All I can think about was how good things were between us. It makes me so sad to think of them together and I have to force my mind not to go to that place. My emotions include feeling unattractive, foolish and a failure. I also feel really angry all the time.

Thank you so much for listening. It helps to get it out. I guess what I am asking is do I try to contact him? I really thought if someone cheated on me I would walk away with my head held high. Turns out it’s not like that at all- I still love him and that makes me angry with myself.

Thank you for listening. My thoughts are with all of you going through these tough times. Xx

15 comments posted: Monday, January 17th, 2022