Weird/messed up message from my ex WS.
Hi everyone. Thank you again for your continued support and care.
I have been getting much stronger the last 1-2 months. Last week I went to Mallorca with a friend and had a lovely relaxing holiday. It was the first time I felt truly relaxed since my ex left me in January. I was still sad but definitely improving 100%. My friend I was travelling with is a counsellor and we had long chats and I came away feeling really empowered and good about myself, which I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I decided to message my ex (rightly or wrongly I thought)- now I think wrongly! To say that I was so disappointed in the way that he treated me. To draw a line under it. It was a very short message. That it was over. I made that clear. That it was over, I did it for my own closure. We had been in NC for 4 months. But as I had healed somewhat I needed to say what needed to say to him.
He responded today. A very long, long message. He said that he is not happy, that he has been made redundant and got a new job but it’s a ‘nightmare’, complained about his new relationship, problems ‘ups and downs’ and with a baby in the way ‘it’s not helping!’ He said that he hopes they will be happy in the future as things settle down. He told me he misses me, our talks, our walks and our ‘friendship’. He said that he regrets hurting me.
He then said that he would never come back to me ‘even if become available in the future (which I hope I’m not) as he ‘has hurt me too much’ but hopes that he will bump into me one day in the future and that I am happy with someone else. That ‘ that would actually make me happy thinking about it’.
I cannot believe he is complaining to me about his pregnant AP! His message was very long and emotive, taking about our years together, long lockdown walks etc. All personal things to us.
It hit me that he must have sent this when he was with her!!! They must be living together if she is pregnant.
And the comment about ‘if I become available in the future ( which I hope I don’t). I can’t believe it.
In a way I’m glad to have got this message. It truly has been closure for me as it was so manipulative. It made me feel almost ‘icky’. But of course I am still hurt as this isn’t the person I thought I loved and trusted for 4 years. Who I thought loved me. Who I thought was a good person.
I would appreciate your insights as I’m kind of confused and blindsided. I’m ok right now but know that the crash will be coming soon.
Thank you. X
20 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022
Why was he so cruel when he told me about the affair and left?
Hi everyone, I hope you are all well and thank you again for your ongoing support.
As the months are going by and my healing is progressing I seems to have entered a questioning stage. I hope you all don’t mind me coming on here to ask for your advice. I’m hoping this is all part of my healing.
When my ex ended our relationship in January (he had been having an EA with his ex from about 7 years ago) he said some truly awful things to me. I was completely oblivious to the EA- as you all know we were buying a house and trying for a baby. I thought we were truly happy.
When he left me- literally overnight- he basically made it all my fault. He told me that he could never ‘make me number one’ I guess compared to her. He said that he had always tried to make me happy, but the truth was there was always something missing. He even gushed about her to me, that she had been learning his language (he’s Czech) while they were apart all these years, that their feelings were so unexpected! ! That they have been chatting and talking all this time. That all he knows is that he feels complete with her and that there was always something missing with me. That he has never felt this way about anyone.
I blocked those words out. It made me feel like the lowest of the low. I couldn’t believe that the man I loved, who was my best friend, that had never hurt me could say those things.
It was like he was a complete stranger, and was acting like a love sick teenager. I didn’t recognise him.
I am slowly starting to pick my self esteem back up. But its hard. Before this happened I was always confident but now I feel like a different person. But I am slowly getting there.
I have been in NC for 3 months now- he was contacting me in May to say he missed me but I shut it down.
Why do I miss someone that treated me so badly?! It’s crazy.
I guess what I want to ask is why was he so cruel? Why did me blame me for his A and compare me to her in such a horrible way? Why did he feel the need to do that when it just added to my pain? To make me feel worse.
It’s so hard to make sense of it.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, September 7th, 2022
Why do they cheat if they are planning to leave you? Why not just leave?
Hi everyone. I firstly want to thank everyone on this wonderful forum for your kindness, help and support these last 8 months. I really can’t express how grateful I am for you all pulling me through what has been the worst 8 months of my life. I want you to know that I am thinking of you all and sending you strength in your situations.
It’s quite a journey, I’m still processing what has happened. Being left overnight after 4 years from someone I loved and trusted. Who was having an EA while trying to get me pregnant. It still hurts and still feels surreal.
I never got closure. Just a phone call and text messages. Now the OW is pregnant and living in the house we chose together.
I just don’t understand why he cheated while making serious life plans with me. Why cheat? He could have just ended our relationship. Started things with her afterwards. It’s like my mind keeps going over it, trying to work out why he did it? Why would someone do that to someone that loves them? He took me away for my birthday, it was really romantic, now it just makes me feel so sick and almost violated that he was seeing her during in this time. He ended things less than 2 weeks later.
Then there was the contact. Messaging and phoning me to say he missed me.
I am 11 weeks no contact now. I know that I will never get the answers from him. I won’t contact him. When I asked him why he made those plans with me his excuse was ‘I don’t know how to say no to people’ which is pathetic.
I don’t want to go back. I’ve worked so hard on myself. Counselling, meds, keeping busy. I get confused by my own feelings as I still miss him. I’m researching trauma bonds and that was definitely an issue in our relationship as he was moody and I was always trying to please him. But it was very subtle,
But I just feel so angry at what he did. The cruelty of it. Why do it? Get my hopes up and then take it away and not even have the decency to talk to me person. Even a face to face talk which might of made things slightly easier for me.
Thank you for listening. I guess I’m trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me.
16 comments posted: Monday, August 22nd, 2022
7 months in and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better
Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing ok. Thinking of you all in your situations.
I just feel like I am trying to do all the right things to recover from my ex’s cheating, abandonment and leaving me for the OW. I’m in weekly therapy, taking anti-D’s, keeping busy, yoga, reading the books and journaling. These things are helping a little but I just feel like every day is a battle at the moment. I’m so tired of waking up every morning feeling sad and like every day is a battle.
The anti-D’s are helping with the ruminations. But I still have intrusive thoughts about them being happy together- I still feel extreme anger and injustice about him making me wait 3 years for a baby (now too late for me due to age) and getting her pregnant 4 months after leaving me.
I have gone total NC since he told me about the baby at the beginning of June. Prior to that he contacted me in May and told me he missed me and I thought he wanted to R. It’s just been such a horrible process to go through. I know that I shouldn’t have had contact but I was in such a confused and sad space at the time and thought we were going to R.
I really am trying to control my thinking and do positive things. I read the lists of every bad thing he ever did. But I don’t seem to be able to move on from it. My feels range daily, missing him, anger, grief, rage. It feels like I will always be this way.
The A was such a shock to me as we were moving in together and trying for a baby. I thought we were so happy. Now he has given that to the OW.
I was always a happy person, but I feel this experience has shattered me. I have turned into a person who calls helplines in tears, lost my sense of humour and have no hope for the future. I don’t understand why the person that I loved so much and cared for has damaged me so much.
Why do I miss him still? Why do I want to reach out to him? I don’t understand my own feelings. I want to move on from this but everyday is a battle. I just wish he had never told me about the baby. That’s the part that hurts me the most. Im triggered by babies and families as this reminds me of what they now have and what I have lost.
When will it get easier? I’m still struggling to eat, work and move forward from this truly horrible experience. Thank you for listening.
21 comments posted: Tuesday, July 26th, 2022
I feel like I’m letting everyone down
Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me reaching out again. I just find it so helpful to post on here, to let my feelings out and to also get support.
I started anti-d’s last week (last resort) as I just felt that I couldn’t carry on feeling lower every day. I just wanted to get some level of normality back into my life, to be able to concentrate at work. It felt like my anxieties were getting worse. I needed to try and get some control back over my life.
D day happened 3 days before I started a new job at the beginning of January. I’ve always been focused at work before this happened. I’ve always been a good performer at work, never off sick, reliable and rational and calm. I have managed to hold it together at the new job. Held it together and did my best. But to be honest I feel like my new employer/colleagues/manager have never really known the real me, how motivated I can be. I feel like I’ve let them down. They know what has happened and are very understanding. I held it together until about 4 weeks ago when I found out that the WO was pregnant. Emotionally I really struggled after that. I spiralled down but tried to keep it together.
This week I had to call in sick because of the side effects of the medication. It my first sickness.
I just feel like I am letting everyone down. Like my WS and the A is taking other areas of my life away from me. Taking my reputation at work. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t hold it together enough to go to work. I’m only taking a week off but I feel like what has happened is chipping away at other areas of my life that are important.
I’m in IC weekly, medication (sleep meds but still waking) friends are supportive.
I’m trying to do the right things but it feels like I’m getting everything wrong. If I was in my previous job I’m sure I would feel less anxious due to my years of service.
It just all so much to deal with. The worry of work along with dealing with the trauma and missing my WS. Thank you for listening. Xxx
9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 13th, 2022
Quick question about medication- advice please
Hi everyone, thank you so much again for your ongoing support.
I just wanted to ask if any of you have any advice/experience with anti depressants? If you found this helpful in dealing with grief?
I have been struggling since DDay in January and was holding it together. But since May I really have been really finding things much harder. Due to WS contact and also finding out that the WO is pregnant in June. (I now have no contact with WS).
I have lost a lot of weight and have trouble with sleep and seem to be crying and ruminating all the time. My work has started to suffer.
At the moment I have been prescribed sleeping medication and beta blockers for anxiety. But I starting to feel like I might need anti depressants in the short term to lift me out of your my low mood. Im in IC.
I’d be really grateful if any of you guys have any advice?
Thank you. X
7 comments posted: Sunday, July 3rd, 2022
Grief wave in the morning
I hope this message finds you all well and coping with your situations. I want to thank you all for your help and support these last few months.
I am sure that you are all aware of my story. Unfortunately due to lack of better judgement I was in contact with my WS throughout May and it did set me back. I thought at one point we would R. But that did not happen as he confessed he was still with the WO. But he said he was sad and miserable, missed me, maybe he made a big mistake etc. But all just words really.
I have now gone full NC since 7th June when he dropped off my things. I wasn’t there I told him to leave them outside. He wrapped them with care and told me to contact him if I wanted anything else.
I’ve noticed in the last few days that when I wake up in the mornings I am hit with such a overwhelming wave of grief. It makes me not want to get out of bed. I don’t want to sound dramatic but it feels like being hit by a train of grief, shock and betrayal. I still feel in the shock stage as there were NO indicators at all that he wasn’t happy in our relationship. I considered him my family. The grief is so overwhelming and I have to force myself out of bed and into work. My work is suffering. But work have been understanding.
I am still shocked, and I hate to admit it but I miss him. Which is crazy I know.
I’m doing everything I can to help myself, IC, medication, booked a holiday, keeping busy.
The grief wave really makes me want to contact him, but I won’t for my own dignity.
I just wondered if anyone had experience of this? Of how to manage it? I am worried I may cave and contact him in a low moment.
Thank you all
17 comments posted: Friday, June 24th, 2022
Do WS/OW feel remorse?
Hi everyone. I’m sorry if I keep going over the same stuff. The last few weeks have been really tough since I found out my WS WO is pregnant. I have learnt from this and would urge anyone to go full NC with their ex if possible. I stupidly took his call, in which we were on the phone for 2 hours I thought he was trying to reconcile, the following week he TEXT me to say that she is pregnant. It shattered my world.
The last 6 months have been the worst of my life. My ex made me wait 3 years to try for a baby and she’s pregnant within a few months of him leaving me. That REALLY haunts me. They are moving in to the house we were buying together. They are living the dream.
He left me and replaced her with me. He doesn’t even seem sorry. I thought we had a great relationship, never argued, no red flags, was kind and helpful. Best friends with a great sex life. I really loved and trusted him. He was my partner of 4 years. I never in a million years would think he would cheat on me and leave me.
The betrayal feels overwhelming at times. He has never actually spoken to me face to face, all the communication has been by phone or text, which I think makes it so much harder. He just never cared enough to speak to me face to face. He has been cold as ice towards me. I don’t recognise him at all, he is like a stranger.
I look in the mirror and I look dreadful. I’ve lost a stone in weight and just look haggard. My eyes look like the light has gone out of them. I’m on sleep and anti anxiety medication. I’m under performing at work. I feel sick and just force food down once or twice a day. I grieve for my partner, pregnancy plans and my old life, I was close to his family and miss them too.
Meanwhile they are embarking on their new chapter. They must be so happy, excited and showered with congratulations from family and friends. It’s like they are in a happy bubble and I have been deleted, brushed under the carpet and forgotten about . Although I do wonder what his family must think as they knew I was trying for a baby before Christmas.
I feel so angry at the injustice. I feel robbed. He dropped the last of my things over yesterday and text me ‘all the best!’. It’s such an insult. It’s like he never loved me. He’s just been so cold and calculated. There has never been a sincere apology.
Do they feel sorry? Do they feel remorse? Do they ever miss us? Do they feel guilty?
It’s like my old loving and caring WS died overnight and changed into a cold stranger.
17 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022
Feel like I lost my dignity
Thanks for all your posts of support. I feel like I’ve been calming down a bit over the last few days. I’m starting to worry/regret the phone call and texts I sent my WS after I found out that the WO was pregnant.
Up until that point I managed to go NC for a good 3 months. I wish I had kept it that way. Instead I stupidly responded when my ex called me and spoke for 2 hours. Following the phone call he messaged me to say she was pregnant.
As we were trying back in January I responded really badly to the news- I sent really long emotional messages saying that this had broken me etc. ( I didn’t get aggressive) i also boxed up everything he ever bought me and left it at his front door along with the boxes of ovulations kits I was using.
Now that I’m starting to calm down I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment . I feel really embarrassed that I did all of this. It’s very out of character for me. I was really strong after the break up but finding out about the pregnancy tipped me over the edge and I lost control of my emotions.
I wish I could take it all back and have maintained my dignity.
15 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022
I’m a mess
I am so sorry to keep posting on here but I am just so down and desperate. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this level of pain.
I’m sitting on my sofa, after again waking up at 4am. I can’t eat, sleep and am dealing with racing thoughts all the time. Everyday is painful. I just feel like I don’t want to be here anymore- although I so I wouldn’t do anything silly. But I definitely don’t want to wake up in the mornings. I’m trying everything to make myself feel better and nothings works.
I just sit smoking and crying. (I haven’t smoked for 20 years) I am ashamed of how low I have become. I don’t know if to go into work or not. I am a mess. I don’t want to see anyone.
My thoughts are consumed with how the OW has taken everything from me, my partner, my future, my baby.
When I spoke to my ex last week he told me that he missed me. That he may of made a massive mistake, that he was sad and miserable too.That gave me hope. Then this week he found out she was pregnant.
He sent me a long message saying that he was low. But that he what he did because he his instincts (I know he wants 2 children) and he always believed I would not be able to give him that/ he didn’t say it like that but I know that is what it is. He said that he had to push his feelings for me aside and follow his dreams. He said he feels ashamed of what he has done and that I will always be in his heart.
All I want to do is talk to him, I’m consumed with thoughts of going round his house. I am ashamed to admit it but I miss him everyday. I want our old life back. I want him back. I want to message him all the time. I know that we do love each other. The urge to reach out is there all the time.
It’s so hard to get through each day. The racing and intrusive thoughts, the extreme anger. The fantasies of reconciliation and then the racing thoughts of them having a baby- going to scans together etc/ just floor me. We were trying for a baby. It’s supposed to be me. He said he couldn’t handle leaving me if I couldn’t get pregnant.
My friends and family have been amazing. My mum is helping everyday. I have IC today. But none of it really helps, none of it makes me feel better. It’s the intrusive thoughts of them together, having a baby together that I really struggle with. It’s like a constant thought wave that just keeps coming.
Thank you for listening.
19 comments posted: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022
A text to my ex- I’m sharing here instead of sending to him
Hi everyone. I wanted to share the text I wanted to send my ex- I won’t, so I’m putting it on here as I think it might be cathartic. 😄 thank you for reading. X
I just want you to know that what you have done to me has broken me. I hope you realise that. All I ever did was love and care for you. To me you were my best friend as well as my partner and I loved and trusted you completely. I thought you were a kind and safe person in my life. It turns out that you are a lying cheat. Calculating. Going behind my back. Lying, cheating and only thinking of yourself. You didn’t need to tell me that she’s pregnant, I would never have known. I guess you did that only to hurt me more, as I can only assume you get pleasure from hurting me, twisting the knife like that. I would never have found out. I didn’t need to know. And to send it by text as well- but that is typical of you. Sending hurtful bombshell texts to me. I gave you 4 years of my life. You made me wait 3 years before even trying for a baby. And look what you have done, she’s pregnant in 5 months of you leaving me. I feel like I have never known you, because I can’t put the two people together in my mind- Steven who was my kind partner and my best friend- who I went on walks with and laughed and loved- and this cold calculating cheat. I just want you to know that you may have got what you wanted, but it came at the worst price for me. 4 years of my life. 4 years when I could have met someone and had a child of my own. You took that from me. So I hope you enjoy your new life, because the cost of that was my life. My happiness. My baby. And thank you again for telling me she’s pregnant by text, for twisting the knife, for blowing my world apart get again. I wonder how your ex would feel knowing that you spent 2 hours on the phone to me last week? Telling me you missed me? To me now you will always be the person that was trying to get me pregnant while cheating on me. Do you have any idea how that feels? It was one of the most intimate, trusting and loving feeling to try for a baby with someone you love- it took huge trust, and to know that you were doing that while seeing her behind my back will be something I will have to carry for the rest of my life.
14 comments posted: Monday, May 30th, 2022
I just found out that my WS (of 4 years) who left me 5 months ago is now expecting a baby with the woman he left me for.
I am in so much shock. He left me in January while we were trying for a baby. I thought my future was with him. This whole time I’ve been grieving him. I’m in shock.
We spoke on the phone last week for the first time in months, he told me he missed me etc. we were on the phone for 2 hours.
I guess what I am asking is how do you deal with the shock? How do you move forward? How do you disconnect?
Thank you x
14 comments posted: Saturday, May 28th, 2022
WS Refusing to have closure conversation
Hi everyone, I’m here again hoping for some advice from this amazing and supportive community.
As some of you folks are aware my long term WS left me for an old flame in 4 months ago. They were having an EA while my WS and I were trying for a baby and buying a house together. I cannot begin to describe the shock I went into- I know that you all are only to aware of the pain and trauma deception creates. I like to think that I am a strong person but it completely floored me. I thought we were devoted to each other and he took me to the house the day before DDay to measure for furniture and I was ovulating and we tried that night. The next day my world fell apart when it all came out that they had been secretly meeting and having an EA, maybe more I don’t know.
The last 4 months have without doubt been the worst of my life. But I think I have finally come out of shock and the reality has sunk in. Thank you to each and every one of you- you have literally been my life line and reading the books you recommended has really helped.
When DDay happened I was not able to talk about it with my WS. I was in total shock and couldn’t handle seeing him to talk about it or even discuss it on the phone. I couldn’t hear about her. I sent him some text messages asking why he had planned a future and baby with me as the plans came from him, he pushed for it. I wanted to know why. But he never answered those questions and instead kept saying that if I was pregnant he ‘would be the best father ever’ and that it would be ‘meant to be’. This infuriated me as I knew it could be my last chance at 46 and he had ruined it, I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but didn’t tell him that. To date he has not given me an answer. We stopped communicating after about 2 weeks after DDay and have been in no contact since.
Now that the shock as worn off I just feel like I need answers from him. I want him to tell me why he did what he did. I wanted to hold him accountable, he’s had it too easy!! So I sent a text message asking to meet, I made it clear I wasn’t looking to meet up or reconcile (although I’m embarrassed to admit that I do). I said we don’t have to meet in person and could talk on the phone. I couldn’t have made it clearer that it was not about reconciliation. This came up in my IC to do this but I didn’t tell him that.
He responded by saying
‘ Not at the moment. I am sorry. I am depressed and have anxiety and signed off work. I know you deserve a conversation about this and we will in the future. I really hope you are well’.
I can’t believe it! How difficult is it to have a phone call! I’m raging! The very least he could do is have a conversation with me. I do feel that this would help me and now I can’t even have that! Now I feel like I’m in limbo waiting to see when he decides to talk and that he has the power back. I guess I am asking why would someone do this? Although I must admit that I feel slightly pleased that his fantasy fell apart! He does suffer with depression but it’s no excuse.
I just can’t put my partner and this cold person together.
Thank you for listening.
14 comments posted: Sunday, May 1st, 2022
Feel like I’m going crazy!
Hi everyone, I’m sorry I seem to be posting on here a lot recently. But it really helps to reach out to people who understand.
Today I just feel like I’m driving myself crazy! My WS left me 4 months ago following an EA with his ex. It happened suddenly with no warning. I don’t know if they are still together. It was awful. When he told me I was so angry I ended up shouting and swearing at him. We were due to move in together. We were in a long term committed relationship.
That was the last time I saw him.
Following the meet up he text me (I wouldn’t take his calls) saying that he wanted to be with me. The next day he text to say he had changed his mind again and wanted to be with his ex. It was awful, he said he ‘could never make me number one’. Which twisted the knife. He was so blunt it bordered on cruel. It was like he was a completely different person, I don’t understand why he was so cruel.
It eats away at me. I’m so angry that he got off so lightly. All he had to do was send some text messages! He never answered the questions I asked about why he made major plans with me prior to this (baby and buying a house). He text and apologise on several occasions after that.
I just want to snap out of how I am feeling. I am still not eating properly, not sleeping and look so old and haggard! (I’m 45). I don’t recognise myself. I used to be quite confident before this happened. I drag myself into work and do the bare minimum.
Today I stalked the WO on FB and she is really attractive. I know I shouldn’t do it it’s like a compulsion. I hate her for stealing my future. I know it’s awful to say that but I do. I’m glad I can’t find her profile as I wouldn’t trust myself not to direct my rage at her!
I’m trying everything to make myself feel better, seeing friends, keeping busy, IC but none of it makes me feel better. Despite everything I still love and miss him, it’s all so confusing.
I guess the thing that hurts the most is that he hasn’t contacted me. It feels like he disappeared overnight and deleted me from his life. We were together for years. I thought we were taking the steps to build a future together. I thought he was my best friend.
It has come up in IC that the thing I am struggling with most is the lack of answers and communication following him leaving. But I can’t face contacting him as I am scared of feeling worse and my pride is stopping me.
When will I start to feel better? Are these feelings normal? What should I do? Thank you all so much. X
7 comments posted: Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
Advice Needed Please. Thank you. X
Hi everyone. Well it’s roughly 10 weeks today that my ex partner of 3.5 years left me out of the blue for an old flame, who dumped him over 5 years ago. I had no idea (as mentioned in my previous threads) I was blissfully happy as our relationship was going really well, we were trying for a baby and buying a house. He met her in secret for coffee and he decided all the old feelings returned. I suspect they were in touch for longer but can’t be sure.
It’s now no contact for 8 weeks. I don’t think they got into a relationship but can’t be sure.
I’m just so hurt still. Every day I hope to feel better but it actually feels like it’s getting worse. Despite everything I still love him and miss him all the time. I guess I thought he would have reached out by now. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me at all.
My emotions are all over the place, some days I am angry, want to contact him to tell him never to hurt anyone like that again. Tell him how he snatched my future away. It feels like he threw our future away on a whim. I want answers. I just don’t understand it as I believed we were so happy, we had a good physical relationship and things hadn’t got boring. The night before he cuddled me in bed and talked about our future. Why would this happen?
All I want to do is reach out to him and ask these questions, why? Is this what you want? Why did you do this when we were trying for a baby? Why, why, why? Although saying that he has got cold feet in the past.
It consumes my thoughts all the time. I’m in IC but nothing seems to help. Nothing at all.
Do you think I should reach out for answers? I didn’t ask anything when we separated in January as he was literally gushing to me about her- how he ‘has never felt like this before’ it was like a knife to my heart. I don’t understand why he felt the need to say that to me. I felt like the boring dependable girlfriend and she was something new and exciting. Have any of you reached out for answers? On reflection it all happened in the space of 2 days. We haven’t really spoken since apart from him apologising and asking to be friends, I said no.
It was like I didn’t recognise the man I loved and trusted.
Thank you for listening and for reading this. This forum is a blessing to me at this dark time. X
18 comments posted: Sunday, March 20th, 2022
Really Struggling Today
Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me posting again. Your supportive messages from my last post really helped me so much.
I’m really struggling at the moment- 4 weeks ago my partner of 3.5 years left me while we were in the process of trying for a baby and buying a house. He admitted to me that he had met an ex from 5 years ago for coffee to gain closure (she left him 5 years ago) so he could ‘fully commit to me’ and that the old feelings came back for both of them. He ended things with me to pursue her.
I just feel so heart broken by this. I can’t stop thinking if he is with her or not. I’m trying my very best to be strong through it but it’s so hard. The shock was just so awful. We had our whole future planned.
I don’t understand my own feelings as I still love him (we had a great relationship). He has reached out to apologise many times but not trying to reconcile- none of it makes me feel any better. It’s like there was another secret side to him that could do something like this.
I am now in no contact for 2 weeks. To be honest with you I had hoped that he would try to reconcile things- i feel really embarrassed to admit that.
I just didn’t expect to miss someone who has hurt me so deeply. Thank you for listening. X
9 comments posted: Saturday, February 5th, 2022
In shock and disbelief
Hi everyone. I’ve never posted on a forum before but I am so glad and grateful that I can reach out to people who understand what it is like to have the bottom fall out of your world when someone you love and trusted cheats on you.
This happened to me just over a week ago. I was with my partner for 3.5 years. He was like my best friend and partner rolled into one. I have never had such a close bond with any partner. Our relationship was really good, we laughed and had fun and the physical side of our relationship was always good. We never argued. He had commitment ‘wobbles’ on a couple of occasions but he would always come back to me and we would sort it out. Other than the wobbles he was a good partner, kind, gentle, supportive and romantic.
We always talked about our personal relationship issues and how our childhoods had affected our relationship styles, I felt he could be avoidant. But this bought us closer in a way and there was never any game playing. I really feel that we brought out the best in each other. I was and still am very in love with him.
Two months ago we decided to buy a house together and try for a baby, this was something he wanted. We had a long conversation and decided we were both ready. We viewed properties and picked a house together and put an offer in which was accepted. We spent all our time talking about our future and getting excited. Things were great between us.
Because things were so good it was a massive shock when last week he called me to say that he needed to talk to me. We met up abs he told me that he was having the same feelings again- wanting to run when things get serious which is his pattern in relationships. He told me that he feels that there is something ‘missing’ with me, that he doesn’t have the strong feelings like he did for his ex (they separated 5 years ago). At this point I just got a feeling and I asked him if he had met up with her- he admitted that he had. He said that he wanted to meet her so he could find out why she left him years ago, get closure so he could ‘give himself fully to me’. But he said that all the old feelings returned for both of them, that they had been messaging ever since and were going to ‘give things a go’.
I was unbelievably angry, as while they were messaging he was still taking me to view the house and also continued to try for a baby with me. The betrayal has cut me to the core. I still am in shock and cannot believe he was emotionally cheating on me (or more) while still being with me. I feel like my future has disappeared. I have had limited contact as I just couldn’t bear to read the messages he sent me about her ‘how he has never felt like this with anyone before’. I’m struggling to work, I can’t eat and I miss him so much. In his last message he said that he is truly sorry for hurting me, that he knows he has commitment issues and is going to stay with his family for a while (they live overseas) and will get therapy when he returns (I have suggested this for a long time).
I just feel like my best friend has stabbed me in the back and my confidence has been crushed. She is younger than me. My mind keeps going over and over what he was doing behind my back. I can’t sleep. All I want to do is reach out to him and try to sort this out but I am too vulnerable at the moment. I can’t bear to hear about her which is what I am most scared about- this is stopping me talking to him.
All I can think about was how good things were between us. It makes me so sad to think of them together and I have to force my mind not to go to that place. My emotions include feeling unattractive, foolish and a failure. I also feel really angry all the time.
Thank you so much for listening. It helps to get it out. I guess what I am asking is do I try to contact him? I really thought if someone cheated on me I would walk away with my head held high. Turns out it’s not like that at all- I still love him and that makes me angry with myself.
Thank you for listening. My thoughts are with all of you going through these tough times. Xx
15 comments posted: Monday, January 17th, 2022