Just wanted to say thank you

Hi everyone at SI
I just wanted to reach out to everyone at SI to say thank you. I’ve been away for a few months now and I would consider myself well on the road towards healing, and a massive part of that healing was the support I received here.

It’s just over a year since since my world was upended by the person I loved and trusted. I know now that trust was misplaced and I ignored or was blind to red flags. Time and NC makes you see things very, very clearly.

I just wanted to say thank you to you all. You were there for me every step of the way. My rock. I could talk to you when my friends didn’t know what to say. You were there for me when I didn’t want to ‘burden’ my friends. You were there for me when I couldn’t go into work and went off sick. You were there for me when I was at my lowest. I didn’t have to be OK with you. I remember a night when I cried on my sofa all night- I sent a message and you were all there and your messages of support kept me going when I felt I couldn’t keep going. You have sound, practical and helpful advice. I never felt judged but your honesty-especially around the all important NC- helped me move forward.

Thank you all. It’s hard to put into words how your support pulled me through- and it did pull me through. I will never forget the support I received here and it is my hope that my future posts will help others.

Anyone that is new and going through the pain we all know only too well, please keep posting. It was my lifeline many times. I remember an SI soul posting that it gets better- I never believed it- but honestly, it does get better. It really does.

As for my XWS I’m glad he has gone! I never thought I would say that. I see now that I dodged a bullet as my SI friends said all those months ago. I blamed myself for his cheating, I don’t anymore. My self confidence is returning.

Newbies keep going and keep posting. It really does get easier. And SI is always there for you.

Thank you again.

10 comments posted: Friday, February 24th, 2023

Weird/messed up message from my ex WS.

Hi everyone. Thank you again for your continued support and care.

I have been getting much stronger the last 1-2 months. Last week I went to Mallorca with a friend and had a lovely relaxing holiday. It was the first time I felt truly relaxed since my ex left me in January. I was still sad but definitely improving 100%. My friend I was travelling with is a counsellor and we had long chats and I came away feeling really empowered and good about myself, which I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I decided to message my ex (rightly or wrongly I thought)- now I think wrongly! To say that I was so disappointed in the way that he treated me. To draw a line under it. It was a very short message. That it was over. I made that clear. That it was over, I did it for my own closure. We had been in NC for 4 months. But as I had healed somewhat I needed to say what needed to say to him.

He responded today. A very long, long message. He said that he is not happy, that he has been made redundant and got a new job but it’s a ‘nightmare’, complained about his new relationship, problems ‘ups and downs’ and with a baby in the way ‘it’s not helping!’ He said that he hopes they will be happy in the future as things settle down. He told me he misses me, our talks, our walks and our ‘friendship’. He said that he regrets hurting me.

He then said that he would never come back to me ‘even if become available in the future (which I hope I’m not) as he ‘has hurt me too much’ but hopes that he will bump into me one day in the future and that I am happy with someone else. That ‘ that would actually make me happy thinking about it’.

I cannot believe he is complaining to me about his pregnant AP! His message was very long and emotive, taking about our years together, long lockdown walks etc. All personal things to us.

It hit me that he must have sent this when he was with her!!! They must be living together if she is pregnant.

And the comment about ‘if I become available in the future ( which I hope I don’t). I can’t believe it.

In a way I’m glad to have got this message. It truly has been closure for me as it was so manipulative. It made me feel almost ‘icky’. But of course I am still hurt as this isn’t the person I thought I loved and trusted for 4 years. Who I thought loved me. Who I thought was a good person.

I would appreciate your insights as I’m kind of confused and blindsided. I’m ok right now but know that the crash will be coming soon.

Thank you. X

20 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Why was he so cruel when he told me about the affair and left?

Hi everyone, I hope you are all well and thank you again for your ongoing support.

As the months are going by and my healing is progressing I seems to have entered a questioning stage. I hope you all don’t mind me coming on here to ask for your advice. I’m hoping this is all part of my healing.

When my ex ended our relationship in January (he had been having an EA with his ex from about 7 years ago) he said some truly awful things to me. I was completely oblivious to the EA- as you all know we were buying a house and trying for a baby. I thought we were truly happy.

When he left me- literally overnight- he basically made it all my fault. He told me that he could never ‘make me number one’ I guess compared to her. He said that he had always tried to make me happy, but the truth was there was always something missing. He even gushed about her to me, that she had been learning his language (he’s Czech) while they were apart all these years, that their feelings were so unexpected! ! That they have been chatting and talking all this time. That all he knows is that he feels complete with her and that there was always something missing with me. That he has never felt this way about anyone.

I blocked those words out. It made me feel like the lowest of the low. I couldn’t believe that the man I loved, who was my best friend, that had never hurt me could say those things.
It was like he was a complete stranger, and was acting like a love sick teenager. I didn’t recognise him.

I am slowly starting to pick my self esteem back up. But its hard. Before this happened I was always confident but now I feel like a different person. But I am slowly getting there.

I have been in NC for 3 months now- he was contacting me in May to say he missed me but I shut it down.

Why do I miss someone that treated me so badly?! It’s crazy.

I guess what I want to ask is why was he so cruel? Why did me blame me for his A and compare me to her in such a horrible way? Why did he feel the need to do that when it just added to my pain? To make me feel worse.

It’s so hard to make sense of it.

Thank you

7 comments posted: Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Why do they cheat if they are planning to leave you? Why not just leave?

Hi everyone. I firstly want to thank everyone on this wonderful forum for your kindness, help and support these last 8 months. I really can’t express how grateful I am for you all pulling me through what has been the worst 8 months of my life. I want you to know that I am thinking of you all and sending you strength in your situations.

It’s quite a journey, I’m still processing what has happened. Being left overnight after 4 years from someone I loved and trusted. Who was having an EA while trying to get me pregnant. It still hurts and still feels surreal.

I never got closure. Just a phone call and text messages. Now the OW is pregnant and living in the house we chose together.

I just don’t understand why he cheated while making serious life plans with me. Why cheat? He could have just ended our relationship. Started things with her afterwards. It’s like my mind keeps going over it, trying to work out why he did it? Why would someone do that to someone that loves them? He took me away for my birthday, it was really romantic, now it just makes me feel so sick and almost violated that he was seeing her during in this time. He ended things less than 2 weeks later.

Then there was the contact. Messaging and phoning me to say he missed me.

I am 11 weeks no contact now. I know that I will never get the answers from him. I won’t contact him. When I asked him why he made those plans with me his excuse was ‘I don’t know how to say no to people’ which is pathetic.

I don’t want to go back. I’ve worked so hard on myself. Counselling, meds, keeping busy. I get confused by my own feelings as I still miss him. I’m researching trauma bonds and that was definitely an issue in our relationship as he was moody and I was always trying to please him. But it was very subtle,

But I just feel so angry at what he did. The cruelty of it. Why do it? Get my hopes up and then take it away and not even have the decency to talk to me person. Even a face to face talk which might of made things slightly easier for me.

Thank you for listening. I guess I’m trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me.

16 comments posted: Monday, August 22nd, 2022

7 months in and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better

Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing ok. Thinking of you all in your situations.

I just feel like I am trying to do all the right things to recover from my ex’s cheating, abandonment and leaving me for the OW. I’m in weekly therapy, taking anti-D’s, keeping busy, yoga, reading the books and journaling. These things are helping a little but I just feel like every day is a battle at the moment. I’m so tired of waking up every morning feeling sad and like every day is a battle.

The anti-D’s are helping with the ruminations. But I still have intrusive thoughts about them being happy together- I still feel extreme anger and injustice about him making me wait 3 years for a baby (now too late for me due to age) and getting her pregnant 4 months after leaving me.

I have gone total NC since he told me about the baby at the beginning of June. Prior to that he contacted me in May and told me he missed me and I thought he wanted to R. It’s just been such a horrible process to go through. I know that I shouldn’t have had contact but I was in such a confused and sad space at the time and thought we were going to R.

I really am trying to control my thinking and do positive things. I read the lists of every bad thing he ever did. But I don’t seem to be able to move on from it. My feels range daily, missing him, anger, grief, rage. It feels like I will always be this way.

The A was such a shock to me as we were moving in together and trying for a baby. I thought we were so happy. Now he has given that to the OW.

I was always a happy person, but I feel this experience has shattered me. I have turned into a person who calls helplines in tears, lost my sense of humour and have no hope for the future. I don’t understand why the person that I loved so much and cared for has damaged me so much.

Why do I miss him still? Why do I want to reach out to him? I don’t understand my own feelings. I want to move on from this but everyday is a battle. I just wish he had never told me about the baby. That’s the part that hurts me the most. Im triggered by babies and families as this reminds me of what they now have and what I have lost.

When will it get easier? I’m still struggling to eat, work and move forward from this truly horrible experience. Thank you for listening.

21 comments posted: Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

I feel like I’m letting everyone down

Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me reaching out again. I just find it so helpful to post on here, to let my feelings out and to also get support.

I started anti-d’s last week (last resort) as I just felt that I couldn’t carry on feeling lower every day. I just wanted to get some level of normality back into my life, to be able to concentrate at work. It felt like my anxieties were getting worse. I needed to try and get some control back over my life.

D day happened 3 days before I started a new job at the beginning of January. I’ve always been focused at work before this happened. I’ve always been a good performer at work, never off sick, reliable and rational and calm. I have managed to hold it together at the new job. Held it together and did my best. But to be honest I feel like my new employer/colleagues/manager have never really known the real me, how motivated I can be. I feel like I’ve let them down. They know what has happened and are very understanding. I held it together until about 4 weeks ago when I found out that the WO was pregnant. Emotionally I really struggled after that. I spiralled down but tried to keep it together.

This week I had to call in sick because of the side effects of the medication. It my first sickness.
I just feel like I am letting everyone down. Like my WS and the A is taking other areas of my life away from me. Taking my reputation at work. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t hold it together enough to go to work. I’m only taking a week off but I feel like what has happened is chipping away at other areas of my life that are important.

I’m in IC weekly, medication (sleep meds but still waking) friends are supportive.

I’m trying to do the right things but it feels like I’m getting everything wrong. If I was in my previous job I’m sure I would feel less anxious due to my years of service.

It just all so much to deal with. The worry of work along with dealing with the trauma and missing my WS. Thank you for listening. Xxx

9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Quick question about medication- advice please

Hi everyone, thank you so much again for your ongoing support.

I just wanted to ask if any of you have any advice/experience with anti depressants? If you found this helpful in dealing with grief?

I have been struggling since DDay in January and was holding it together. But since May I really have been really finding things much harder. Due to WS contact and also finding out that the WO is pregnant in June. (I now have no contact with WS).

I have lost a lot of weight and have trouble with sleep and seem to be crying and ruminating all the time. My work has started to suffer.

At the moment I have been prescribed sleeping medication and beta blockers for anxiety. But I starting to feel like I might need anti depressants in the short term to lift me out of your my low mood. Im in IC.

I’d be really grateful if any of you guys have any advice?

Thank you. X

7 comments posted: Sunday, July 3rd, 2022

Grief wave in the morning

Hi everyone

I hope this message finds you all well and coping with your situations. I want to thank you all for your help and support these last few months.

I am sure that you are all aware of my story. Unfortunately due to lack of better judgement I was in contact with my WS throughout May and it did set me back. I thought at one point we would R. But that did not happen as he confessed he was still with the WO. But he said he was sad and miserable, missed me, maybe he made a big mistake etc. But all just words really.

I have now gone full NC since 7th June when he dropped off my things. I wasn’t there I told him to leave them outside. He wrapped them with care and told me to contact him if I wanted anything else.

I’ve noticed in the last few days that when I wake up in the mornings I am hit with such a overwhelming wave of grief. It makes me not want to get out of bed. I don’t want to sound dramatic but it feels like being hit by a train of grief, shock and betrayal. I still feel in the shock stage as there were NO indicators at all that he wasn’t happy in our relationship. I considered him my family. The grief is so overwhelming and I have to force myself out of bed and into work. My work is suffering. But work have been understanding.
I am still shocked, and I hate to admit it but I miss him. Which is crazy I know.

I’m doing everything I can to help myself, IC, medication, booked a holiday, keeping busy.

The grief wave really makes me want to contact him, but I won’t for my own dignity.

I just wondered if anyone had experience of this? Of how to manage it? I am worried I may cave and contact him in a low moment.

Thank you all

17 comments posted: Friday, June 24th, 2022

Really Struggling Today

Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me posting again. Your supportive messages from my last post really helped me so much.

I’m really struggling at the moment- 4 weeks ago my partner of 3.5 years left me while we were in the process of trying for a baby and buying a house. He admitted to me that he had met an ex from 5 years ago for coffee to gain closure (she left him 5 years ago) so he could ‘fully commit to me’ and that the old feelings came back for both of them. He ended things with me to pursue her.

I just feel so heart broken by this. I can’t stop thinking if he is with her or not. I’m trying my very best to be strong through it but it’s so hard. The shock was just so awful. We had our whole future planned.

I don’t understand my own feelings as I still love him (we had a great relationship). He has reached out to apologise many times but not trying to reconcile- none of it makes me feel any better. It’s like there was another secret side to him that could do something like this.

I am now in no contact for 2 weeks. To be honest with you I had hoped that he would try to reconcile things- i feel really embarrassed to admit that.

I just didn’t expect to miss someone who has hurt me so deeply. Thank you for listening. X

9 comments posted: Saturday, February 5th, 2022

In shock and disbelief

Hi everyone. I’ve never posted on a forum before but I am so glad and grateful that I can reach out to people who understand what it is like to have the bottom fall out of your world when someone you love and trusted cheats on you.

This happened to me just over a week ago. I was with my partner for 3.5 years. He was like my best friend and partner rolled into one. I have never had such a close bond with any partner. Our relationship was really good, we laughed and had fun and the physical side of our relationship was always good. We never argued. He had commitment ‘wobbles’ on a couple of occasions but he would always come back to me and we would sort it out. Other than the wobbles he was a good partner, kind, gentle, supportive and romantic.

We always talked about our personal relationship issues and how our childhoods had affected our relationship styles, I felt he could be avoidant. But this bought us closer in a way and there was never any game playing. I really feel that we brought out the best in each other. I was and still am very in love with him.

Two months ago we decided to buy a house together and try for a baby, this was something he wanted. We had a long conversation and decided we were both ready. We viewed properties and picked a house together and put an offer in which was accepted. We spent all our time talking about our future and getting excited. Things were great between us.

Because things were so good it was a massive shock when last week he called me to say that he needed to talk to me. We met up abs he told me that he was having the same feelings again- wanting to run when things get serious which is his pattern in relationships. He told me that he feels that there is something ‘missing’ with me, that he doesn’t have the strong feelings like he did for his ex (they separated 5 years ago). At this point I just got a feeling and I asked him if he had met up with her- he admitted that he had. He said that he wanted to meet her so he could find out why she left him years ago, get closure so he could ‘give himself fully to me’. But he said that all the old feelings returned for both of them, that they had been messaging ever since and were going to ‘give things a go’.

I was unbelievably angry, as while they were messaging he was still taking me to view the house and also continued to try for a baby with me. The betrayal has cut me to the core. I still am in shock and cannot believe he was emotionally cheating on me (or more) while still being with me. I feel like my future has disappeared. I have had limited contact as I just couldn’t bear to read the messages he sent me about her ‘how he has never felt like this with anyone before’. I’m struggling to work, I can’t eat and I miss him so much. In his last message he said that he is truly sorry for hurting me, that he knows he has commitment issues and is going to stay with his family for a while (they live overseas) and will get therapy when he returns (I have suggested this for a long time).

I just feel like my best friend has stabbed me in the back and my confidence has been crushed. She is younger than me. My mind keeps going over and over what he was doing behind my back. I can’t sleep. All I want to do is reach out to him and try to sort this out but I am too vulnerable at the moment. I can’t bear to hear about her which is what I am most scared about- this is stopping me talking to him.

All I can think about was how good things were between us. It makes me so sad to think of them together and I have to force my mind not to go to that place. My emotions include feeling unattractive, foolish and a failure. I also feel really angry all the time.

Thank you so much for listening. It helps to get it out. I guess what I am asking is do I try to contact him? I really thought if someone cheated on me I would walk away with my head held high. Turns out it’s not like that at all- I still love him and that makes me angry with myself.

Thank you for listening. My thoughts are with all of you going through these tough times. Xx

15 comments posted: Monday, January 17th, 2022