Facing Change, James Baldwin style
This morning I was reminded of this quote by James Baldwin:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced"
It's been with me all day. One aspect is really not being able to remember what I thought/felt about this before dday (the quote is not new to me, just not seen in years). The ways in which my thinking still kind of automatically "goes to" infidelity.... how my first thought reading this was coping with and detaching from a WS who cannot face and cannot change (not sure if a "therefore" belongs in that last part - I don't know if the end of minimization would make any difference). And then, how/why/if there is connection between the deep, aching, longing for "the truth" of the infidelity and hope... that part about "if they could just SEE" the harm, themselves, the ways in which they are damaged, etc., they could "get it" and "own it" and CHANGE it.
I know that's not my lot in life - or not WRT my WS. Facing ourselves, our foibles, our damage-causing behavior takes a level of courage that my spouse just doesn't possess. He'd take a bullet for me or our kids, but not a personal inventory. For him, hiding became a way of life very early on...ignore it and it doesn't exist.
And then, I have to wonder.... what is it that I am not facing? Where is my own courage faltering? Why does my brain, like a car's bad alignment, seem to veer toward all the ways my WS is failing, rather than toward the ways in which I can succeed?
1 comment posted: Saturday, March 12th, 2022
Anyone else get the "gift" of Christmas Covid?
I've been feeling crummy for two weeks now. Last week was bc of the Shingles vax - which KICKED my arse big time. I got tested last week and was negative, and started to feel better by Friday/Sat (Xmas).
12/26 my DD woke up feeling "hit by a bus" awful, and by late afternoon she tested positive.
Monday, her BF tested positive. And my WH tested negative (rapid test).
Yesterday I did a PCR, but dunno if I'll get results before Friday.
Yesterday, I was having some symptoms (achey, headache), and managed to find a PCR test, but didn't do a rapid
Last night the coughing began. Tested positive this am (got SUPER lucky on Monday and found some home kits). Dr says he won't order any antibodies (and not sure what that would be) until I get a positive PCR (which is kind of crazy, given the difficulty even finding a test coupled with the turnaround time for results. I tried to get a rapid test from a drive thru place I used last week and WH used on Monday. They stopped the drive thru and this am there were at least 100 people in line outside in the cold - something I don't have the energy for).
Can't quite believe it..... Feels like the flu, but having some intermittent chest pain that cause me concern.
SUPER glad I bought the pulse oximeter last year so I can monitor and that's all looking OK.
Just praying I don't have more chest pain (it's not tightness or shortness of breath, but like really bad hearburn, on the right-hand side) and have to go to the ER or urgent care.
Anyhow, wondering if I should get a shirt made that says "I invited my kids for christmas and all I got was this lousy Covid"
21 comments posted: Wednesday, December 29th, 2021
Musings on "It's a Wonderful Life"
[posting as a member].
I love It's a Wonderful Life. I've watched it every year since I can remember. Own the DVD and would sometimes play it in the middle of summer, just for some feel good.
From day 1, WH and I built a partnership - No, we really built our LIVES and our M - based on helping others/our community. School needs extra hands to man the snack booth? We are there. Homeless kids need coats? Got it. Uneducated single mom having trouble navigating some social service? Give us their name and info and we'll look into it. Family living in their car got a speeding ticket they can't afford? We can make some calls. The list is very very long. When we met, I thought this mutual sense of duty was a big factor in what drew us to each other as life partners. I mean, we are "good people" - right? It often meant late dinners. It OFTEN meant we were helping others at the expense of our own children's needs (for which I've spent a lot of post dday time trying to make amends). For a very long time (20+years) it meant we put our own needs aside (tho, today I also see that all that "do gooding" filled some emotional needs too... and was it really a sense of duty? Or flawless integrity? Or merely "hustling for our worth"? I dunno anymore).
In many ways, we measured our own self worth by the ways we helped others. And I loved it.
It was inconceivable to me that my WH could have ANY character flaws, given his selfless devotion to all the "do gooding".
My WH WAS my George Bailey. Sure he had some selfish aspects (we see George yearn for travel and adventure - for a differing life - only to be foiled again & again by his sense of duty, or integrity).
Last night, during my annual/ritual viewing of the film, when George starts to get angry and yell at the kids (which my WH actually DID do, esp in the days/weeks which I now know were in the wake of a rendez vous with his LTAP)... I wondered....
What if George Bailey was an adulterer?
What if his relationship with Violet (the amazing Gloria Grahame) was more than just helping her with a buck or two?
How would Clarence the angel have responded?
Would Mary - and the whole damn community - have come to his rescue in the wake of Uncle Billy's screw up?
Probably matters not, in that if George Bailey were a WS, there wouldn't have been a movie...
Thinking about it, it's an analogy as to how a BS can become so absolutely devastated by dday.
Maybe we all thought we were married to George Bailey.
My life is STILL wonderful in many ways, and I don't discount that (indeed, it is even MORE wonderful in ways I'd never imagined). Yet in moments like this, I again grieve the spouse I thought I had. I miss that guy. Yes, it was a very carefully crafted and orchestrated illusion. But I still wish there was such a thing as George Bailey... and I still wish I had a partnership with that guy.
10 comments posted: Saturday, December 25th, 2021
and thank you.
1 comment posted: Saturday, November 27th, 2021
Editing posts - no quote or image buttons plus posting image issues
When I try to edit a post, the options for quote/bold/italics/img are not available.
Also, I can't seem to get images to work (I've used imgur in the past w/o issue... not sure what other free hosting sites are out there). My images are in my imgur account, but when I post them on SI, I get a box saying they aren't on the original server....
0 comment posted: Friday, August 20th, 2021
No scroll bar w/in a thread?
Just noticed the scroll bar on the right side of the site disappeared in a thread.
I'm seeing it's still here as I write this post, but it wasn't on the last thread I was in
0 comment posted: Saturday, July 31st, 2021
No more simplicity or simplicity-like format?
I'm also having a font issue - I can adjust the font using that icon at the top, but that only makes the font smaller - not all the screens (I'm using a laptop, not a tablet). If I change my browser, then I can read SI, but every other page I open is tiny, so we'd have to be always switching back & forth on the browser's zoom function.
Is there a way to view all threads in a list like we had with Simplicity (which I assume is being discontinued)? Or even the non-simplicity interface (which IIRC listed all forums)?
When I click the link to use the old format, it takes me to accept cookies and a welcome page, but as soon as I click "forums", I get the new interface that requires clicking an individual forum to then see the threads (which also takes a ton of scrolling bc the text is huge).
ETA: and even when I adjust the font size w/in SI, as soon as I make a post it goes back to the larger/default size.
Also - I can hardly even get to this forum. Because all the text (not just posts, but the interface) is all so large and this is the last one on the dropdown, as I try to scroll down to it, I lose the dropdown bc it's larger than my laptop's screen.
Finally, there seems to be an endless "loop" on the accept cookies. As soon as I accept the cookies (or click the x to close that pop up window), I get returned to the new site. Then click the old site link, get the cookie acceptance pop up (again), click accept or close, and right back to the new site's landing page.
14 comments posted: Friday, July 30th, 2021
Complex Ptsd by Pete Walker
Anyone read this? My (trauma experienced) IC recommended it.
I'm only a few pages in, but wow!
One tidbit was basically that if the powers that be were to recognize CPTSD, the DSM would go from an encyclopedia to a pamphlet (which is similar to some of Van der Kolk's stances).
It's kind of blowing my mind... and ... there's something that feels a little "off" that I can't quite put my finger on.
6 comments posted: Thursday, July 15th, 2021
I can feel the resentment creeping in....
So, now that I have a steady job, I'm beginning to look at houses, etc.
First, the market effing SUCKS for a buyer, so a nice opportunity for anxiety
Today, I FINALLY called some realtor friends. Not a fun convo to say that WH and I are separating, and D is probably in the future, and I need to figure out what I gotta do to find and purchase a house. Something I've never had to do (WH owned our house before we met).
And man oh man, can I feel that resentment seeping into my bones.
Resent that he fucking blew it all up
Resent that R was never really an option, as working on fixing his shit has never been a priority.
Resent that I wasn't in a financial space to embark on this chapter until the market blew up
Just generally POd at the whole effing world.
ugh. I hate this.
I didn't get M to get a D.
14 comments posted: Wednesday, April 21st, 2021
Stan Tatkin's books / Helping Couples Heal
Over the weekend I listened to the Tatkin interview of HCH's podcast. I thought it was very helpful, with several "money quotes" that I'll try and post about later. One of the "biggies" for me was Tatkin saying (around 53:35 min) that:
The greatest prediction of a successful outcome in any betrayal case is the willingness of the victim [BS] ....to stand their ground. If they do not stand their ground, the prognosis gets poorer and poorer. Everything hinges on [the BS] saying "it's this or goodbye" ... they are unwavering and they are watching to see whether the [WS] is behaving in accordance to these ideas and these terms.... full stop. That changes everything, and that will bring anybody who is a wrongdoer [the WS] to their knees if they care, they don't want to lose the relationship and they will do their work. But everything hinges on [the BS] saying "you do it or you're gone"
Ms. Breecker chimed in, saying that the goal in therapy and in healing is moving the victim to a place of empowerment. That in order to move from being a victim and to become empowered, the BW "must be able to own that power and make their needs known"
Tatkin: "That's what attachment security is about.... otherwise the person can do whatever they want, living in a boundaryless world, which is bad for them [the WS]. We're not supposed to get away with everything."
"we are talking about a set of behaviors for which [the WS] is accountable"
As I type this, I may post in general to relay my thoughts about the above, but also wanted to post here as the interview made me wonder if others have read any of his books and were willing to share thoughts.
1 comment posted: Monday, March 29th, 2021
Out of the Doghouse
Anyone read this? My WH's new CSAT suggested it. I'm listening to it and so far not finding much of anything to criticize, other than I get a tad irked by saying "in the doghouse" too much, and the imagery that conveys (to me, it's not so much in the doghouse as it is in a doghouse that you shit & pissed in over & over & over again, that stinks of the putrid lies and deceit of your selfishness... but something tells me that title may not sell so well )
Seems to be written in a pretty straightforward/informal language. So, curious if others have any opinions - a part of me wonders if this is just a more straightforward way of getting to the points of "Not Just Friends".
Maybe the BS blaming comes later, but about 25-30% through I'm not feeling it...
3 comments posted: Friday, December 27th, 2019
Carol (the Coach) Juergensen Sheets workbooks
Anyone done any of them?
Looks like she has one called "Help. Her. Heal" (which also has a video workshop)
Another called "Improving Relationships. A Couple's Workbook"
"Group Work For Men In Sexual Recovery" (she calls it a "manual"
Curious if aanyone has experience here....
1 comment posted: Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
The Unspeakable Mind: Stories of Trauma
Anyone read this (by Shaili Jain)? It's new (May '19) and not available at my library, so wondering if anyone has any thoughts before I shell out $30.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
I found my WH's phone backups going back to 2011. I bought a refurb BB Curve 8530 on ebay
now I cannot find any of the old versions of the software to restore from the dozens of backup files I have in .ipd and .bbb format.
I did download the newest version (i think 7), but it won't even recognize the old file formats to do a restore to the phone :(
This could be a goldmine, if I could just get my hands on some legacy software - any ideas?
[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:18 AM, October 28th (Sunday)]
2 comments posted: Sunday, October 28th, 2018
Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton
Anyone read this?
I do not agree with all of his premises (esp that morality itself is bad - which may be why he's been married FIVE times), but his concepts of honesty and intimacy really ring true to me.
Just curious if anyone else has read this and their opinions.
0 comment posted: Friday, October 12th, 2018