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General :
My rage at the other women

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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 5:02 AM on Wednesday, August 11th, 2021

I currently pity her. Our divorce is pending and he texts me how much he misses talking to me (which I ignore these messages).

This is the guy she picked. She's so broken and pathetic that she thought the best she could do was a married man who misses talking to his wife.

I don't understand this either. How they're so delusional. Why would anyone want a married man with kids who cheats on his wife?? My WH's first AP waited for a decade for him! Who does that? It is very sad, but I still hate her. She didn't give one single fuck about hurting my kids for her own perceived gain (and obviously I have the most rage towards my WH because they are his own kids!). And now that he's free to go to her, he doesn't want her! He wants to be here with me! But I don't want him anymore. Too late.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling at peace. I hope I can get there one day.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8682760
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Evertrying ( Member #60644) posted at 9:27 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

I don't understand this either. How they're so delusional.

DITTO!

My FWH was such a dipshit and when I asked him what he thought they were doing, he replied, "Dating". Really? Dating? They NEVER went on a date the entire time. I had to explain to the idiot that sneaking away from work to fuck on your lunch hour isn't dating. It's disgusting.

He looks back now and is mortified at himself AND his AP. I don't give two shits and a fuck about her and will hate her FOREVER.

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1202   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8683115
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Notmine ( Member #57221) posted at 11:41 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

I also hate the OW - wouldn't pee on her to put her out if she was on fire. My daughter is autistic. Before I found out that OW and my husband were fucking, her sick and manipulative ass actually bought tickets for us to take my daughter to the theater, which she loves. Guess that was recompense for destroying the life of a disabled child. She then started to dress like me and looked up the value of our house online. She thought she would replace me and have her brand new life with my husband financed with money from the sale of my home. This bitch had been in THERAPY for many years, tried to seduce my husband when her husband was IN THE HOUSE. Hope the delusional piece of shit suffers every day of her pathetic life.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 684   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8683145
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BoundaryBuilder ( New Member #78439) posted at 12:21 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

when I asked him what he thought they were doing, he replied, "Dating". Really? Dating? They NEVER went on a date the entire time. I had to explain to the idiot that sneaking away from work to fuck on your lunch hour isn't dating.

Oh boy. Dating laugh

My H was a miserly AP for OW. He never sprang for a hotel or a nice dinner. Or bought her a gift. Oh, he did give her an old used phone he had on hand when her shitty cell phone bit it and his kibble supply was threatened. They would shack up at her dilapidated house. So no dating. Instead, H said he and OW were "two friends hanging out." I didn't miss a beat and replied "yeah, well I have male friends and I usually don't let them shove their d***s in me when we hang out."

My H is also mortified about his behavior and his choice of AP. Not that he throws her under the bus. Let's just say he now recognizes what a poor excuse for a human being she is and would prefer to never think of her again. Unfortunately, his betrayal is now woven into the fabric of our marriage so she will come up in the future. No rug sweeping here. Which sucks. While the anger has cooled, I will always hate her for being an inescapable part of our life. My goal is to get to the place where I won't think of her for days at a time. Not there yet. And while I hope to forget, I will never forgive.

The rage began to cool when I began to heal myself. Yes, H committing to R was a catalyst, but really, what I did with the hatred towards OW was up to me. Only I could deal with that. It took TIME. And FORGIVENESS of MYSELF (certainly not her). Forgiveness for myself that I wasn't an idiot for not seeing the red flags that were waving in my face. Forgiveness for myself that while I contributed to the emotional disconnect in our marriage before the A, I certainly wasn't responsible for the A. And so on. That's the hard truth. It takes time and acceptance to heal the rage.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 3:37 AM, Friday, August 13th]

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8683153
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 12:27 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

I found AP on Facebook recently, just typed her name and there she was. STBXH definitely affaired down but it didn't make it any better for me. I almost messaged her and then stepped away. While she did wrong, she wasn't the one who made the commitment.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8683154
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maise ( Member #69516) posted at 12:35 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

You know…one of the things that annoys me most is when people invalidate our feelings and rightful anger/rage toward the OW. I felt enraged at the other women in my situation for a long long time. I felt the same rage toward my WS but that was conflicted with the love I had for her too. That along with the illusion of who I thought my WS was for so many years to then have to somehow find it in me to grapple with who she was showing me to be/have been all this time. It’s a lot and I’m not surprised that we rage against the OW whom we have no feelings of love for like we do our significant others. Add to that a WS that love bombs and our longing for what we used to have and of course our rage doesn’t feel the same for both parties.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so enraged. You have a right to your emotions absolutely. I do hope you are able to find resolve sometime down the line…I think my rage, PURE RAGE that led me to sitting outside the other woman’s house regularly in hopes of beating her senseless, then to the eventual beat down of her in public didn’t subside until maybe two years after dday. It took a lot of my own emotional confronting and healing in IC. I don’t rage against her anymore although she’ll always be a whore that I could give to shits about and would prefer dead. But the idea of her being alive and near doesn’t drive me to absolute madness anymore. Sometimes I still think I see her around, if I did I don’t think I’d beat her this time, my anger has subsided substantially. I know it’s hard. Wishing you healing. ((((Hugs))))

[This message edited by maise at 6:41 PM, August 12th (Thursday)]

BW (SSM)
D-Day: 6/9/2018
Status: IHS

posts: 856   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8683157
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cancuncrushed ( Member #28156) posted at 4:04 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

My ex had many affairs. I didn’t know until later. The first discovery and the last discovery were the worst. Even though I spent years researching. Learning. Accepting. Moving on.

How far and how low they went was more then I could understand.

First blow was a coworker. She knew everyone we knew. Flaunted the affair. Was determined to end our marriage and step in my place So very vain. I had to face all these people at events. It’s hard enough to heal from infidelity. But to have a mean spirited whore rub it in your face and laugh.

The next super blow was the exit affair. I assume a coworker. wh told everyone we were separated. Took her publicly to events and meetings. Planned their future. I was visiting intensive care with our new and only grandbaby. For months. She lived in my house while I was in icu with my grandchild. Using my things and my husband. It didn’t bother either of these women to destroy me

These are so huge for me. There are evil people who live among us. Scum.

I had to accept that. And my husband was one of the worst.

It’s sad that we have to relate to these beings. To heal from their destruction. It was just bad. Really mean. Why couldn’t he have a regular affair?

None of his affairs succeeded into anything other then a fling. Now he alone. His dating days are basically over. He’s dying.

I’ve learned to be aware. To protect myself. And to go thru my life slowly. Doing my best for me. Avoiding scum

These women just move on. They don’t change.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:09 PM, Friday, August 13th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4729   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8683282
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Evertrying ( Member #60644) posted at 4:56 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

While the anger has cooled, I will always hate her for being an inescapable part of our life. My goal is to get to the place where I won't think of her for days at a time. Not there yet. And while I hope to forget, I will never forgive.

I could have wrote this myself. I HATE the fact that she will ALWAYS be a part of our lives and my H says I have to stop letting her take up free rent in my head. Well, fuckhead, that's YOUR FAULT. She wouldn't be in my head if you didn't put her there.

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1202   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8683319
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EllaC ( New Member #79253) posted at 1:11 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

The OW in my case was a close family friend, a very junior employee of my husband’s, and someone who had taken care of my children while my husband and I traveled on multiple occasions. She spent weekends with us and stayed at our home.

She knew exactly what she was doing. She was manipulative and scheming and my idiot husband fell for it hook line and sinker. She destroyed my family and derailed my life. I have dreams about her laughing at me. I am filled with rage to a point where I scare myself. I despise her and the feeling that she just got away with it. We’ve now broken up over this. I don’t even know if they’re still involved, he says no but of course he’s a liar so who knows.

I understand the rage against the OW. For me it feels like the last thing I’ll ever get over.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Toronto
id 8683727
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BoundaryBuilder ( New Member #78439) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

I understand the rage against the OW. For me it feels like the last thing I’ll ever get over.

my H says I have to stop letting her take up free rent in my head. Well, fuckhead, that's YOUR FAULT. She wouldn't be in my head if you didn't put her there.

This is so true! Three years later, and she still lives in my head rent free. Time has cooled the rage, but I still think of her way more than I want to.

But this last week it feels like I've turned a page on my last lingering vestige of hate for OW.

Okay, folks, I'm going to confess something I'm not proud of. And I don't recommend any of you do this, but it helped me.

After two years of strict "no peeking" policy on her social media, I researched her on Facebook to see if there's anything new. Her few FB photos are years old, and are curated - flattering photos only. The most recent photo was posted in 2016, and who knows how old that photo is. I had the misfortune to see lots of photos (and two naked pix shudder) she texted my H, but most of these were specially selected older photos. This gal is an online relationship fishing pro who knew how to wrap the package. Not much recent stuff was in their texts besides snaps of what she's eating for lunch, photos of the moon that night (H and OW used a lot of band width texting each other photos of the moon barf). So, I had a certain image of her in my mind that was NOT ACCURATE. I always thought this might be the case. My social media stalking proved me right. I found a few recent photos of her during a family event posted on a relative's page. Candid photos. Holy crap. She looked like a grandma stereotype! My apologies to all grandmas everywhere, but I don't know how else to describe this. She looked like a tired old woman. 100% gray, dingy unkempt hair badly chopped at chin length. Old fashioned glasses with thick lenses. A prune face, no makeup. And frumpy granny clothes. That light-beige fake-fiber cable-knit sweater OMG. Yeah, I'm being catty. Not that I'm some youthful perfectly coifed gorgeous thing, but REALLY, she looks at least 15 years older than I do. Which shocked me.

Seeing her in real time vs. the image I had in my mind was a catharsis for me. It's kinda shitty that I had to belittle her physical appearance to finally purge her. Beauty is skin deep and we all age. Some of the most beautiful women (in my opinion) are older women who are unabashedly proud of their aging faces and bodies. But when it comes to evicting AP from squatting rent free in my head, I'll go with whatever works laugh

The reality is my H was screwing a dowdy grandma!! Not the gauchely sexy, albeit scrawny, hippieish, salt and pepper long haired tart of my imagination.

I think many of us assign attributes to the OW that are not accurate - how sexy they are, how good in bed they are, how attractive our partners think they are, on and on and on. Especially if we've never met them. The larger than life woman living rent free in our minds may bear little resemblance to the real woman. My H tried to tell me this "BoundaryBuilder, she really isn't all that. If I didn't have a history with her from HS the A wouldn't have happened " Uh huh that's what they all say. I thought there had to more to it than that. OW must have offered something intangible to H that I never could. This is kinda true, but not in the ways I assumed. Folks, I've finally accepted these truths regarding H's A and his choice of AP:

It is all about the ego kibble, not the person dispensing it.

OW who knew your partner when they were young offer a potent ego kibble flavor. Gazing into a false mirror of his former self was the main attraction. Not the OW.

Triumph!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:07 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8684393
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tikismom ( Member #60546) posted at 8:11 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Some day I plan to get some sort of revenge on the OW. I don't know what or when, but I want to create havoc in her life unexpectedly just like she did to mine. I feel like she got away with what she did free & clear & I am not ok with it. This POSOW knew who I was & knew what she was doing.

Me: 39
Him: 43 (NPD)
DDay #1: Sept 2017; Lots of TT & DDays since. EA & PA with an EX. Last known contact with OW: end of December 2017.
Married 10 years, together 15 at time of dday. 2 very young children.
Status: Working daily toward R.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2017
id 8684410
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EllaC ( New Member #79253) posted at 6:36 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by EllaC at 3:46 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 13   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Toronto
id 8684715
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EllaC ( New Member #79253) posted at 6:40 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

I hate the OW so much I don’t know what to do with it.

She was my friend. I treated her like a family member. She was alone in a new city, working for my husband and she was SO YOUNG that I never expected anything like this to happen.

She betrayed me so horribly and just helped herself to my life. And he let it happen. My rage feels endless and I swear if I ever see her again I will want to kill her. I wish for the worst possible karma to befall her. I want her to get married, have babies and have her husband (who knows, maybe it will even be my ex) cheat on her and humiliate her and leave her as broken as she’s left me.

I can’t even begin to process the hate I feel towards her.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Toronto
id 8684716
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 7:06 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

I just want to understand this phenomenon, the one that has only three BH posting in four pages--and 2.5 of those 3 said they don't really feel rage toward the OM.

What explains the way BW are consumed with this rage, start threads and post about it while BH don't?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:12 PM, August 21st (Saturday)]

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8684719
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prissy4lyfe ( Member #46938) posted at 8:51 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

What explains some BH feelings more upset at the sexual act than BW?

What explains choosing a RA?

What explains choosing to stay?

If understanding is what being sought then judgement/comparison shouldn't be placed in the equation. If you want to understand why some papers feel that way there is no need to ask why the one BH on this thread doesn't feel the same way.

There are MULTIPLE BHs on SI who want revenge or have sought revenge against OM. They just didn't post on THIS thread.

The question doesn't come across as seeking understanding it comes across and judgement.

posts: 1978   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8684730
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 10:05 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

I posted on the first page. And in all fairness, I'm over 10 years from Dday #1.

I can tell you this, I knew nothing about the OM(s). I do know that I was trying to book a flight, 1500 miles away, with nothing more than a cell phone number to hunt him down. I have no idea what would have happened if I found him, but I'm sure jail time would have been a high probability. I was that furious.

The last(only 'real') OM, was local. I had my wits about me by now. I was 3 years out, and had enough control NOT to search him out. But if we met face to face in public? No guarantees. He died a year or two ago, but I kept enough hate for him to not guarantee my self control. Plenty enough anger to go around.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3816   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8684735
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 10:56 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

I have no idea what would have happened if I found him, but I'm sure jail time would have been a high probability.

For sure. Of course. But hatred for the OM does not seem to have consumed you. There is a difference.

For example, it is really common to read BW posting about how they cannot stop online stalking the OW. Like daily. It's common to create new profiles and try to see what is going on with her--for years. But I have never read a BH post about doing this.

There are not just two responses--hate and like. NOBODY likes the AP. Nobody! Why would they? But the degree to which the hatred consumes definitely seems to differ between BW and BH. I'm just not exactly sure why. The BH seem to post almost exclusively about their WWs, and the other BH flock to those threads, obviously showing how much they relate to threads about what WWs are or are not doing. But they don't start or post on many threads about the AP. They don't even mention the AP much in their posts to be honest.

I just find it interesting and would like to understand it better. I've done some reading online that gave me some ideas, but I'm still not sure I fully get it.

It feels like BH direct their emotions at the female, and BW direct their emotions at the female. Not sure if that is over simplifying the whole thing, but based on post topics around here, that's how it seems. If there is any truth to that, why would it be? Not sure.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8684740
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BoundaryBuilder ( New Member #78439) posted at 1:12 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

Hmmm. I hear you OIN. I think it's complex. Yes, there are elements of societal female scapegoating displayed here on SI. I'm a feminist. A well educated one. I'm ashamed that I used words like "dowdy" and "frumpy" to describe the OW in my situation. And that I celebrated the fact that she looks older than I do. As a feminist I know better. Yet these emotions are visceral and real for me. No doubt I've internalized some of society's messaging, but my gut tells me there's more to it than that. I invite you to start a separate thread sharing what you're learning online about why the woman appears to be the universal target for negative emotions in infidelity.

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8684747
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 1:56 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

I don't know, OIN. I never gave a shit about the women because they weren't my problem. He was. Now, had one of them been a friend of mine, I'm sure I would hate her profoundly for her own betrayal of me. Had one of them begun stalking me or directly messed with me, I'm sure I would feel differently. But them just existing? Eh. They didn't cheat on me. I don't expect shitty people who sleep with married men to give me any consideration. They're shitty people doing shitty things, as one would expect. As I've said, it mattered most to me that suddenly I discovered that I was married to a shitty person.

I didn't have that all-consuming rage towards them. I didn't have much feeling at all towards them. They went into the "shitty people" category and I dismissed them from my concern.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8684750
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Dragonfly123 ( Member #62802) posted at 7:32 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

Happy loather of the AP here.

I can only speak for myself, but I have been cheated on many times in my younger days. I often disliked the AP, but it was a glancing irritation. I saved most of my ire for my ‘boyfriend’ at the time and I never held onto it.

But this is different. I read your post OIN and I really thought about what was different for me this time and I can honestly say for me it was that this one hurt my FAMILY. Her actions had a direct impact on the lives of the souls I love most in this world, my children.

Yes yes, before it is pointed out (as if it needs to be) that it was my husbands choice, I agree, I KNOW, BUT this woman actively tried to destroy my family too, my children’s lives have been directly impacted by her actions and choices.

My husband shouldn’t have let her into our lives, I agree, what she did after (and continues to do) is on her.

I guess for me, I never knew how much of a mumma bear I was until this happened. Aren’t women programmed to protect their families and young? When someone attacks them mentally and emotionally and puts you, as their mother’s, health at risk I think it’s almost instinct to rage at them.

I honestly think my reaction would have been different if it wasn’t for the fact my children were involved.

Weirdly, and just an aside, I have noticed this in other areas of my live. My reactions to things sometimes surprise me since becoming a mother.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 7:33 AM, Sunday, August 22nd]

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8684762
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