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General :
My rage at the other women

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Felix12306 ( Member #78827) posted at 8:58 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

My rage is something fiery tonight, I need talked off of this damn ledge.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 100   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8677195
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EmbraceTheChange ( Member #43247) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately.

I met the OW and her kids because my (then) husband and her had decided it was time to introduce the kids to each other and start spending "family days" together. Meanwhile I thought I was happily married and we were just meeting a co worker. The OW's husband was at work, which I found out when I asked her if he was still looking to park their car. My husband had tried to convince me to stay home so I could "relax", but LUCKILY I went. My kids would have literally have been put in a situation where their own dad was playing husband to somebody else than me, and a stranger playing step mom and the pair of them making the kids be friends. Their behaviors were so weird that I asked my 14 yrs old son what the fuck was going on between them. He had never talked about her (their affair had been going on for at least 9 mths, I thought he didn't know her much) So if I wouldn't have been there, it would have been even more out in the open. Absolutely disgusting towards me, no concern for the kids to be in a situation so fucked up. She even took pics of the kids together and held my baby.

Obviously, I was so so pissed after finding out the real reason. I could have ended up on death row, no shit.

7 yrs later, I have calmed down. Yes it's disgusting how some people have no concern little about somebody's dignity, about kids, how selfish and entitled they are. I can't do anything about Schmopette's game, it's her deal how she leads her life. What I could do, though, was divorce my husband who enthusiastically introduced all this crap in my and my kids life and had 0 respect and concern for me.It wasn't the first time, unfortunately, that I was in a shit situation courtesy of him, but it was going to be the last time.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination

posts: 1228   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Near Fort Worth, TX
id 8677212
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EmbraceTheChange ( Member #43247) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately.

I met the OW and her kids because my (then) husband and her had decided it was time to introduce the kids to each other and start spending "family days" together. Meanwhile I thought I was happily married and we were just meeting a co worker. The OW's husband was at work, which I found out when I asked her if he was still looking to park their car. My husband had tried to convince me to stay home so I could "relax", but LUCKILY I went. My kids would have literally have been put in a situation where their own dad was playing husband to somebody else than me, and a stranger playing step mom and the pair of them making the kids be friends. Their behaviors were so weird that I asked my 14 yrs old son what the fuck was going on between them. He had never talked about her (their affair had been going on for at least 9 mths, I thought he didn't know her much) So if I wouldn't have been there, it would have been even more out in the open. Absolutely disgusting towards me, no concern for the kids to be in a situation so fucked up. She even took pics of the kids together and held my baby.

Obviously, I was so so pissed after finding out the real reason. I could have ended up on death row, no shit.

7 yrs later, I have calmed down. Yes it's disgusting how some people have no concern little about somebody's dignity, about kids, how selfish and entitled they are. I can't do anything about Schmopette's game, it's her deal how she leads her life. What I could do, though, was divorce my husband who enthusiastically introduced all this crap in my and my kids life and had 0 respect and concern for me.It wasn't the first time, unfortunately, that I was in a shit situation courtesy of him, but it was going to be the last time.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination

posts: 1228   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Near Fort Worth, TX
id 8677213
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BoundaryBuilder ( New Member #78439) posted at 12:25 AM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

... no concern for the kids to be in a situation so fucked up

Three years later, my rage at AP (to whom I've assigned the demeaning but accurate moniker Cockroach) has cooled. Except one aspect of the A still enrages me - how Cockroach involved her adult daughter as her affair accomplice. I was very concerned about this young woman. Still am. EmbraceTheChange, I'm with you when it comes to disgust and ANGER when the kids are sucked into the drama. H and I have an adult daughter who was emotionally devastated by her Dad's betrayal. Cockroach’s adult daughter was also collateral damage, in a different way. Cockroach lives 3 hour’s drive away (thank goodness). Cockroach and H met half way between her house and ours a few times, including meeting in her adult daughter’s home.

H commented that Cockroach and daughter were “more like best friends than mother daughter.” Which isn’t surprising. Cockroach obviously has poor boundaries around what is and isn’t appropriate in “romantic” relationships (f***ing married men). So, seems likely this ho wouldn’t recognize boundaries around appropriate parent child relationships either. Trolling the virtual realm for external validation feeds her ego; naturally it follows that people in her real world are kibble sources as well. Your child should NOT be your best friend. But that wouldn’t stop Cockroach, and wouldn’t be out of character for her to make her daughter an intimate confidante, a partner in my betrayal. I wonder, did Cockroach tell her daughter “XXXX, you know, that married guy I’m fooling around with (f***ing), is meeting me here today.” Was she her mother’s accomplice – was daughter in on the betrayal “like mother, like daughter”? Did Cockroach train a mini-me with shitty life lessons (multiple divorces, financial shenanigans, affairs with married men, etc. etc.)? I’m guessing YES, the daughter was an accomplice. Cockroach's shitty example might reverberate through future generations of her family - infidelity could be learned behavior carried from one generation to the next, scarring her descendants for decades. I'm sure this didn't cross her narcissisic mind. Her main concern was coaxing H across the bay to hook up. And she was willing to pimp out her daughter's home to make it happen.

H swears he didn’t use the daughter’s home for sex, but even if true, it doesn’t matter. He apparently had no compunction about quote “hanging out” at the home of his AP’s daughter. He was a married man f***ing her mother, for crying out loud! Not good optics, no matter how you look at it. So, one might ask, why involve the daughter at all? Why not meet somewhere more neutral? Besides the supplemental ego kibble provided by involving daughter in her drama, enmeshing friends and family in the affair inner circle is standard mate poacher procedure. H didn’t even question whether or not meeting there was a good idea. He’d met the daughter before (daughter acted as a beard during Cockroach and H's first face to face meeting since high school), the daughter was in on the betrayal. Why not meet there? Interesting that daughter made herself scarce soon after my H showed up on her doorstep. Just in case Mom wanted a quickie. Barf. I’ll never understand their greediness; that Cockroach and H were both willing to put self-gratification above maintaining the respect and emotional wellbeing of their own children. Didn’t they care that the daughters could be hurt and disappointed by their behavior? Or, perhaps even worse, in Cockroach’s daughter’s case, emulate it? I guess they didn’t care enough.

What helped control my anger at how unfair it is...

1) reading about the statistics around those who were other women/men and them ever having a successful infidelity free marriage, not just to the waywards, just over all. Turns out they have less than 18% of ever having a infidelity free marriage. Ever. That tells me how little cheaters and APs do the work to fix themselves.

This helps.There's cold comfort in statistics. I also wrote a LOOOONG ass letter to her that I polished for months. Writing that letter was very cathartic. I planned to never send it to her because this would give her more centrality than she deserved. "The best revenge is a life well lived" indeed. At my request, H read the letter. After all, HE is my partner and it was logical for HIM to read it. He was the appropriate witness to my rage and pain, not her. Then I burned the letter in the BBQ.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:56 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8677385
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EmbraceTheChange ( Member #43247) posted at 10:57 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I just wrote a novel on how I got over my rage, but it got deleted by accident. So I will do bullet points instead.

TIME. Whatever I thought was going to happen, did not, LUCKILY, happen. Ie husband getting fired or him running off in the sunset with OW.

Fucked up people do fucked up things to get whatever they want ---> ie tunnel vision, live in a bubble in an alternate reality, don't think of the consequences, try to bend the rules in their favor, lie, minimize, look for excuses as to why their behavior is ok and other fucked up behavior.

OW and husband were not doing all this shit (ie involving me and the kids etc) because they wanted to screw us up and be as nasty as possible. They didn't do shit at work to get fired. No, it didn't even come in their mind how fucked up they were behaving. They just wanted to be together to get their fix of happiness/admiration/feeling important

etc. Consequences were minimized to the max. They were never going to divorce their spouses and they were never going to be fired. Uber self centered behavior (like they could decide for others. 🙄🙄🙄. Yes it was hurtful because it was hurtful behavior towards me and the kids. But, at the end of the day, my husband could have been married to somebody else and have kids with somebody else and he would have done the same. It didn't really matter to him what he drank, it was feeling drunk that mattered to him, not the brand of beer. And this is exactly what my husband was feeling with the OW and what she was feeling towards him and omg, nothing else mattered. Spending time with her own kids didn't matter, doing a good job at work didn't matter. Her own husband didn't matter. Same for my husband. They literally went on a 1.5 yrs "attention bender". Replace "attention" with drinking and it would have been the same (they both liked to drink also). And if it wasn't this particular OW, it would have been somebody else. Like a true addict, people were in his periphery, not central. And I certainly was in his periphery because I wanted an adult relationship with him and wasn't an enabler. So he found one.

At the end of the day, I was married to the wrong guy and thanks god I could do something about it. And I went for full custody so my kids wouldn't be in shit situations because their dad decided it was going to be "okay". Sad but it needed to be done.

Hope this helps.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination

posts: 1228   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Near Fort Worth, TX
id 8677597
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 11:28 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I met the OW and her kids because my (then) husband and her had decided it was time to introduce the kids to each other and start spending "family days" together. Meanwhile I thought I was happily married and we were just meeting a co worker.

OH MY GOD.

Obviously, I was so so pissed after finding out the real reason. I could have ended up on death row, no shit.

I have no doubt. Jesus. How are people this fucked up??

I'm glad you're out of that mess now.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8677606
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 11:33 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

H swears he didn’t use the daughter’s home for sex, but even if true, it doesn’t matter. He apparently had no compunction about quote “hanging out” at the home of his AP’s daughter. He was a married man f***ing her mother, for crying out loud! Not good optics, no matter how you look at it.

Seriously blows my mind how people can be so unbothered while doing such destructive, hurtful, stupid shit. My WH was hanging with his AP as if they were married, texting each other as they were getting ready for work, texting each other when they got there so they could park next to each other, walking into work together, hanging out at breaks, walking out together, stayed the night at her house, fixed her kid's video game console, took her to a sporting event holding hands like a cute couple...

all while I'm at home taking care of our babies. WHO THINKS THAT'S OK??? Not any kind of person I want to be around. Thank gods he never took my kids to hang with her & her kids. Her oldest is grown now and I'd like to send her a message to let her know what her mom's been up to all these years.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8677612
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 11:56 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Fucked up people do fucked up things to get whatever they want ---> ie tunnel vision, live in a bubble in an alternate reality, don't think of the consequences, try to bend the rules in their favor, lie, minimize, look for excuses as to why their behavior is ok and other fucked up behavior.

OW and husband were not doing all this shit (ie involving me and the kids etc) because they wanted to screw us up and be as nasty as possible. They didn't do shit at work to get fired. No, it didn't even come in their mind how fucked up they were behaving. They just wanted to be together to get their fix of happiness/admiration/feeling important

etc. Consequences were minimized to the max. They were never going to divorce their spouses and they were never going to be fired.

This is part of my rage, though. How does my WH not even think about me and our kids?! How does he live a double life for so many years with no care about how this would affect us all?! He did think it through enough that he said he knew I'd divorce him if I found out. And he still didn't care.

Logically I can tell myself "It's not about me, it's about him," but I still feel rage.

I think my rage is mostly because he hurt our kids. How can someone do that to their innocent kids?? It kills me.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8677618
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 7:36 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

I have an enormous amount of rage towards the OW.

The affair was over a decade ago. I found out about SI a few years after dday. A friend who had been cheated on showed it to me, and encouraged me to join. Instead, I lurked for years.

The OW has stalked me since the affair. She has tried to friend my kids on social media. She decided her marital problems were my fault, because I told her husband. Occasionally, she send me stupid shit in the mail. Lingerie, a marriage rescue book,etc.

Always anonymously, so I can't get an RO.

I've posted little about my situation because I didn't want her to find me here. But she did. She signed up. I can only assume she had been lurking, watching to see if I would post. She posted a fake story, and got all kinds of empathy. She claimed her husband was abusive. He's not. Claimed she got a divorce. She didn't. She let me know she was here, by sending me endless pics of certain things leaving me no doubt who she was on here.

I will never let anyone know who she was. She thrives on attention. She needs it. The worst thing is ignoring her, it drives her crazy.

This is the most I've ever said about her. She is no longer a member,but I know she is reading. Do I hate her? With a white hot intensity. But, these days, I spend more time laughing at her,than anything else. Fuck that bitch.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:37 PM, July 26th (Monday)]

posts: 3703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8678582
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Evertrying ( Member #60644) posted at 9:42 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Oh my GOD yes. Almost 4 yrs later and I still have the utmost HATERED for his AP. We are completely reconciled now, yet I still HATE her. They were BOTH married and she is still with her husband, though probably as unhappy as they were before. They have been together 30 yrs and have two grown kids!!!!!

When my husband was giving me all the shitty details after dday, I physically wanted to puke hearing about how sad she was and upset when he always came home to me.

But here's the thing I always remember:

No matter how "bad" he told her our marriage was and how unhappy he thought he was, SHE wasn't worth even giving up a 'shitty" marriage to be with! I think about how THAT makes her feel. And she was PISSED when he told her the affair was over and he was going to work it out with me.

How delusional are these people?????

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1202   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8678984
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emergent8 ( Member #58189) posted at 10:56 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Time works to heal the worst of the white hot rage but even 4.5 years later I wouldn’t lose a minute of sleep if I learned that AP got hit by a bus.

I have zero time for anyone who says that you shouldn’t hate the OW and should save it all for your WH. In my scenario, there was plenty of rage to go around. She knew me. She bought me a wedding present while telling my husband she fantasized about being with him. She was no innocent bystander.

This is the most I've ever said about her. She is no longer a member,but I know she is reading. Do I hate her? With a white hot intensity. But, these days, I spend more time laughing at her, than anything else. Fuck that bitch.



Hellfire – I’ve always wondered why you didn’t share much about your situation. This certainly explains it. FTB indeed.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 601   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8682029
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FITT5559 ( New Member #78463) posted at 12:59 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

The OP is my case has an open marriage.

My WH said that he did too.

He lied to everyone.

I don't know where to put my pain.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2021
id 8682081
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 6:31 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

No matter how "bad" he told her our marriage was and how unhappy he thought he was, SHE wasn't worth even giving up a 'shitty" marriage to be with! I think about how THAT makes her feel. And she was PISSED when he told her the affair was over and he was going to work it out with me.

How delusional are these people?????

Excellent point!

Unbelievable delusional. I can't wrap my mind around the stupidity and the fact that they're
e v e r y w h e r e.

The OP is my case has an open marriage.

My WH said that he did too.

He lied to everyone.

I don't know where to put my pain.

The OP may very well be lying. Did you tell the other betrayed spouse?

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8682115
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Underserving ( Member #72259) posted at 7:25 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

My husband also lied to his AP. Told her he was single, and never revealed he is a father.

It was fucking brutal to not be able to hate this woman who has sex with my husband. I even felt sorry for her for a while.

As time has gone by, I believe with every fiber of my being she figured out he was married. I’m not sure she knew about our kids, but I wouldn’t be surprised. What sucks is, I can’t prove it, and she has never admitted to it. So it’s definitely weird to not know for 100% fact this person deserves to be hated. My being 95% sure still allows for me to, though. lol

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 647   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8682120
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 2:45 AM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

The OP is my case has an open marriage.

My WH said that he did too.

He lied to everyone.

I don't know where to put my pain.

It was fucking brutal to not be able to hate this woman who has sex with my husband.

I think this really gets to the heart of the purpose of OW rage.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8682161
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freetogonow ( Member #57821) posted at 4:28 AM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

I hated her, by which I mean, if she had walked in the path of my car, I'd have run her over. I genuinely wanted her to die.

Before they moved away, I worried about seeing her out in the wild, because I absolutely knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself from clawing her eyes out.

I didn't stalk her, ever. I didn't troll her facebook. It's been 4.5 years, and I can proudly say I never peeked.

I got to a point where I no longer wanted him back. Then I got to a point where I forgave them both, by which I mean, I gave the debt they owe me, to God, and I trust Him to settle it one way or the other. I am out of the equation.

I currently pity her. Our divorce is pending and he texts me how much he misses talking to me (which I ignore these messages).

This is the guy she picked. She's so broken and pathetic that she thought the best she could do was a married man who misses talking to his wife.

I just pity her. Sincerely and genuinely. The hate is completely gone.

I would NEVER suggest to another person, what to do with their rage. That's not my job. If someone else wants to spend the next 50 years hating the AP, that's their perfect right and I won't be the one to tell them they're "wrong".

I chose something different and I'm ok with the choices I've made.

posts: 1731   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2017
id 8682178
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Evertrying ( Member #60644) posted at 6:19 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

I hated her, by which I mean, if she had walked in the path of my car, I'd have run her over. I genuinely wanted her to die.

I had a good friend once ask me if I wished the AP was dead. I thought long and hard about it and then said "No. I don't want her dead, I want her to live out the worst possible painful life there can be. I hope everything she touches turns to shit and she finds no joy or happiness in her life. I pray everything she experiences is unfulfilling and that some day she will feel the same anguish I felt when I discovered the affair."

I do not have to forgive her. I don't care what anyone says, and feel that if I do forgive her, it lets her off the hook and that's never gonna happen.

I hope she lives a tortured life. Then when her life is over, I can run her over with my car,,,, grin

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1202   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8682394
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 6:30 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

One of my XWH's regular APs was killed in a hit and run. She was a drug-addicted prostitute. Her life was hell before my XWH and it ended sadly too. I would normally feel badly for someone with such a tragic life, but I felt nothing. I hated that I felt nothing. I don't know or care what she knew about my XWH's life, though she probably did know he was married given the amount of time he spent with her. Somewhere a mother was probably weeping for her lost and damaged daughter and I can't care. I never could feel anything towards the women my XWH slept with. It's like my emotions just died in their direction. Maybe it's that they were pathetic sad creatures that he was using for his own gratification that kept me from hating them. He got all the rage.

But it bothered me, that he treated them like nothing and I felt the same way. It bothered me that a woman died and I was only annoyed that her face on the news triggered me back to thinking about his bullshit. Like she was a thing, just as he viewed her.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8682398
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Underserving ( Member #72259) posted at 7:59 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

I’ve never blamed the OW for the affair. I wasn’t trying to misplace my anger at her. But yes, it did suck to know this woman had sex with my husband, talked to him on the phone for hours, told him “I love you” and not be able to hate her. Instead, I felt like I was a horrible person if I didn’t feel sorry for her too. It’s a mind fuck that isn’t easy to explain unless you’ve experienced it.

She undid all of that by bold faced lying to me just to hurt me. The last time I talked to her, well over a year ago, she made it obvious she had figured out he was married during the A, but didn’t outright admit it. So she gets to play the innocent victim even though I know better. Oh well. Fuck her.

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 647   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8682428
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 4:51 AM on Wednesday, August 11th, 2021

I want her to live out the worst possible painful life there can be. I hope everything she touches turns to shit and she finds no joy or happiness in her life. I pray everything she experiences is unfulfilling and that some day she will feel the same anguish I felt when I discovered the affair."

This is exactly how I feel.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8682758
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