Newest Member: zurichtime

Underserving

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

A Season

It’s hitting me harder than I anticipated. It is discouraging how much it is affecting me, when I had such high hopes that it wouldn’t.

This is everyone else’s favorite time of the year, but I can’t stand it anymore. Every holiday is a reminder of my husbands betrayal and blatant disregard for me. Throw in my birthday and our anniversary, and I wish I could just hit fast forward.

I know people talk about reclaiming dates, but I don’t feel up to that. At least not with him. I’m not even near as mad this year, I’m just sad that any of this happened. It feels like I’m so far away from ever enjoying what was once such a happy time of year for me. For what?? So he could escape reality for a little while and "feel better about himself." It will always be so unfair what he did to me and our family.

I was doing really good, and then A season had to come knock me on my ass. I’m honestly disappointed in myself that I am having this reaction. I thought I was more healed than this.

Thanks once again for being a place to share.

14 comments posted: Monday, October 11th, 2021

Pieces

R is hard. I can’t imagine it’s supposed to be easy, but that doesn’t mean one day it won’t be worth it. Please keep in mind I do not want to D right now. I’m more than able to, I simply don’t want to. So if you’re going to recommend D, save your fingers the unnecessary typing. ;)

Making peace with my decision to stay with a cheater is still hard. I feel almost like I have had to chip away some pieces of myself in order to be the person who can stay. Does that make sense? I’ve had enough time to consider my options, and I believe R is the best one for me and my family. My husband has done all that I’ve asked of him and more. It’s not that he could somehow "do this" and it would help me. It’s very much about my own internal conflict. I don’t believe it’s "well maybe it has always been a deal breaker." Of fucking course it was a deal breaker, but I’m open to a new deal with him, except for those pieces of me that aren’t. They are smaller and quieter than those parts of me willing to give this a real shot, but I can’t deny they’re there. They sneak up on me sometimes, and I find myself overwhelmed by them. I guess it could be lizard brain, but when I visualize it, it’s me cutting away pieces of myself. It’s honestly a really sad image. I respect those thoughts and feelings, but I don’t want them to be a driving force in my life.

I’m kind of just sharing what I’m struggling with, more so than looking for advice. I don’t want to deny that R goes against some of my personality traits and core values. Yet, I also have plenty of those that are absolutely able to make R work. I suppose that’s what I’m really getting at with this post. The internal war that I find myself experiencing sometimes.

Ok now I’ll ask for some advice. How do you make peace with the smaller parts of you that are inherently against staying, with the larger parts of you that are willing to, without feeling like you are cutting away pieces of who you are? If this even makes any fucking sense. lol

I’ll add, I don’t feel this way all the time. I have more good days than bad ones, or even "meh"
ones. R is going well for the most part. Obviously I still have some struggles. I am content with where I’m at more often than not, but I also don’t want to ignore those unhealed aspects of this journey, either.

Thanks for being a place to share. I appreciate you all.

23 comments posted: Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Florida

So I am leaving for Florida on Friday. I only have a few days there and will be in the Odessa area.

Anyone know the best beaches around there? I don’t mind driving a little ways if it’s worth it.

(I do know of the red tide situation)

Thanks!

8 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

When Was Discovery

This is purely an “I’m curious” post.

When did you discover your spouse’s/partner’s affair? What I mean by that is, was it still active at the time? If so, how long had it been going on by that point? If not, how long after it ended did you find out, and how long did the affair last?

41 comments posted: Thursday, July 29th, 2021

Vacation

I am proud as hell of myself!

I made it through our first family vacation post d-day, and actually had a blast. It was 7 days and 6 nights, and a 7 hour long car ride. I wasn’t completely free of triggers or intrusive thoughts, but handled them really well. My husband was great to make sure I was doing ok and able to relax. He went out of his way to be helpful with my sister and her husband’s family (they have 5 kids). He played with my nieces and nephews (as well as our own kids) more than their own father. My mom also went, and he was so attentive to her and helped her so much since she is a single woman. I was glad to have him, and imagined how different it would have been if he wasn’t there. Not that I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, but it was nice to feel appreciative of him.

I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought the pain and the grief would ever subside, but they have, and I finally feel like I’m out of the pit that was my home for so long. I still feel hurt sometimes, but I also am able to feel contentment, and even joy now. There is an other side to this, and I’m well on my way.

We really do have to stop punishing ourselves for choosing to stay. There won’t be any freedom until we are able to do so. It’s so easy to allow ourselves to be haunted by some figment of our imagination. The person we thought we’d be if our spouse ever cheated on us. The truth is, that person didn’t exist until d-day. They couldn’t have. The betrayed spouse isn’t born until after discovery. So if you’re stuck in comparison mode between who you thought you’d be as a BS, and the actual reality of you as a BS, I say let that shit go.

Keep going ladies and gents. It really does get better.

9 comments posted: Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Downside of R

So R is fucking hard. It really is. It can be worth it, but it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

One of those hard parts I’m currently experiencing is “normal” marriage issues don’t seem normal anymore. Even the smallest shit feels like a “make it or break it” moment. For example, my husband is out of town leading a really big job. He is extremely busy and stressed, so he hasn’t had much time to talk to me. He works late, and when he gets back to the hotel he has to do a ton of paperwork before going to bed. I want to be understanding, but then all I can think about is how he wasn’t “too busy” to talk to the AP 1,000,000 times a day. My rational mind realizes he is at a new job with way more responsibility, but my lizard brain wants to freak right out and put back up my wall to protect myself.

There’s no real point to this post. I guess I just needed to share with people who understand how tough this journey really is.

19 comments posted: Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

Hysterical Bonding

I’m curious, for those who experienced HB, how long did it last? At what point is it no longer considered HB, but maybe a new normal?

Since about a week post d-day my husband has been obsessed with me. We have sex on an almost daily basis, and the weekends it’s usually a few times a day. (I have a high sex drive so I’m more than okay with this)

For those unfamiliar with my story, our sex life was beyond pathetic for YEARS. He would initiate maybe once every month to two months, with me doing the bulk of the initiating, but was often rejected. About a year after his affair, he started initiating a lot more often, and we were having sex about 3-4 times a week. It stayed that way until d-day.

I guess I’m afraid this is still HB, will eventually wane, and what that would mean for me. I think I’d be ok with returning to the 3-4 times a week, but anything less than that I would not be ok with. Maybe in a “normal” marriage that hadn’t experienced infidelity, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to me, but now it is. I suppose I’m not willing to ever go back to a mediocre marriage with mediocre sex.

So a little over 16 moths out, could this still be HB?

ETA: I did a quick little search on the topic, and it seems hysterical bonding is mostly done on the side of the betrayed. They’re the ones wanting to have more sex as a way to hold onto their spouse, reclaim them, or even as a way to pick me dance. So can a wayward also experience HB? Almost as a form of desperation to keep your partner? Curious to hear from waywards also, and what their experience with it was.

[This message edited by Underserving at 12:26 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

20 comments posted: Monday, April 19th, 2021

How to Help With a Trigger

So this Friday night we are going to a baseball game with a friend of my WH’s and his wife. I haven’t been to a ballgame in ages, and am really looking forward to it!

The catch is, we have to drive past the exact exit my WH would take to go to the AP’s apartment. It will be the first time I have ever driven by there since learning of the A. There is no way to avoid it, unfortunately.

Any suggestions on ways to prepare for this expected trigger? I really don’t want it to ruin a fun night for me...

26 comments posted: Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Men I have a question

Trigger warning!!!

***IF YOUR SPOUSE DID NOT USE PROTECTION WITH THEIR AP, AND THAT IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU, PLEASE CLICK OFF THIS POST. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.***

I probably seem too far past d-day for this to be a question I’m inquiring about. To be honest, I had never actually given this particular aspect much thought. Now that I have, I’m really curious about it.

I’ve done my own internet research on the topic, but there are so many weirdos and trolls out there, it was hard to take anything these people were saying seriously.

Ok now for the question, is there a huge difference between sex with a condom, and sex without one?

I ask because like most betrayeds, the whole “was the sex better with the AP” has always bothered me. I’m doing better with being confident with my own body and skills in the bedroom, but still have some lingering doubts. My WH used a condom every time with the AP. Hence why I am asking what I am.

If you don’t feel comfortable answering I understand. For those who are, I appreciate you.

Oh and Happy Easter for those who celebrate! Lol could have timed this particular topic for a better day I suppose.

39 comments posted: Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Thank You

I went back and read my previous posts. Holy shit they are the most bipolar rantings and ravings I have ever read.

I just wanted to say thank you to those loyal posters who have helped me through this journey. Even when I got cocky a few times, and thought I was going to come out of this quicker than every one else, y’all were there to gently advise me I still had a long ways to go. Then when I’d go on to post about being back at square 1 two days later, y’all were there to reassure me I wasn’t in fact batshit crazy. Thank you for your honesty, your compassion, and your encouragement.

Who knew a bunch of anonymous internet strangers would have such a strong impact on me during the absolute worst time of my life? I’m sure it’s not easy to stay here after healing has taken place, and all the constant reminders of your own painful experience, but I’m so glad there are those of you who have! And for those still in thick of your own grief, yet still have it in you to offer encouragement to others, you are some beautiful people. ❤️ Thank you!

6 comments posted: Wednesday, March 24th, 2021

The Present

Last night, while my WH was in the shower, he left his phone charging on his bedside table. Not for the first time or anything, but my go to reaction was “wish he would have done this shit 4 years ago, but nooo he had to have his phone by him at ALL times.”

What good did that knee jerk reaction do? It didn’t launch me back into the past where I could have demanded things be different. Nope, to my knowledge time travel is still impossible, and no amount of bitterness is going to change that. *Sigh* So instead of going down that path, all the could’ves and should’ves, I took some time to appreciate the here and now, and was actually thankful for that small gesture (whether it was intentional or not). I decided to add another drop into the trust bucket.

As I have embarked on my own healing journey, and I mean really dug into it, I have been more capable of staying in the present. Making peace with my own past transgressions has given me a new outlook on how I view my WH as well. I don’t want to be hypocritical in forgiving myself, while still viewing him as the person he was 4 years ago. No, I want to focus on what his actions are telling me about the person he is TODAY.

Now that’s not to say all is well and all is forgiven. It’s a step forward though, in what I consider a very healthy direction. Just as I’ll never forget what I am capable of when I’m in a place of brokenness, I won’t ever forget what he is capable of either. All I can do now is look at today, and know if tomorrow something changes, I’ll be ok. I’m finally on my way to that place of contentment, and it feels pretty good.

5 comments posted: Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Substitute Teaching

Hi All!

So I’ve been a SAHM for over 5 years now. I have a finance degree, and worked in an accounting department before I started staying home. I’m not really wanting to return to that field of work while my kids are still young. I would if I needed to, as I made really good money, but for now I want something more flexible. I would really like to pay off all my debt in the next 1-2 years. I have my car and my student loans (ugh those make me sick.) We also have my husband’s truck, but I’m primarily focusing on my stuff right now if you catch my drift.

I’m considering substitute teaching. Has anyone done subbing? Did you hate it or love it?

11 comments posted: Monday, March 15th, 2021

Talk Me Out Of This

I spent everyday for 11 months looking at the OWs social media.. Pouring over all the tweets she made during the A more than a few times a day. Sometime in November she made her account private. It was one of the best things that could have happened to me.Yet here I am, jonesing to be able to look at it again. I was thinking of creating a fake account and requesting to follow her. I know I shouldn’t, but damn I want to. Talk me out of it!

Which ew to the fact I care enough to consider this, but it’s what’s happening, even if I wish it wasn’t.

31 comments posted: Monday, March 1st, 2021

A Trigger and a Victory

WH is out of town for work again. He gets back tomorrow, and this week has been the best I’ve ever handled it. I normally get extremely anxious and take at least 1 or 2 trips down the rabbit hole. I was able to enjoy my alone time, miss him appropriately, and didn’t sink at all. (His A was not from work travel. Only started traveling after he got a new job after d-day) I’m pretty proud of myself :)

My trigger is sending sexy pictures to him while he’s gone. That’s something the OW did 100s of times, as their relationship was mostly over the phone. It’s been 4 years since then, but I still wonder if he compares my photos to hers in his mind. I’ve asked and he says no, but I’m not sure that’s something he (or anyone) would admit to. He’s going to be traveling a bit in the next few weeks, and I would like to be able to overcome this trigger. (I want to. He’s not pressuring me) Any suggestions?

7 comments posted: Thursday, February 25th, 2021

R Land

I’m back! Lol

I am realizing I probably should have been in the general forum for the good first year of after d-day. I’m just now really into the throes of reconciliation.

It’s turning out a lot different than I thought it would. I spent a year processing, grieving, raging, researching, and being extremely mindful of how my WH was reacting to the shitstorm he created. It took me a year to decide I was willing to R. It felt really good at first to finally make a decision. I was feeling all the positivity and hope. I think it was mostly relief that I had actually picked a path. Being unsure whether to stay or leave is pretty exhausting, and carries a heavy burden all on its own.

Now that I’m here in R land, there’s a whole new amusement park full of rides I wasn’t expecting. I’ve made a few posts recently, but thought I would compound them into what I’m currently experiencing.

The Shame Carousel: Its not fun. I don’t enjoy it. She’s a seedy little ride that you think you can avoid, but somehow draws you in, and you end up staying on way too long in need of a barf bag. This is the shame of staying. You swore you never would, yet here you are in R Land after your husband had a full fledged affair. Why are you even here? You should be on Badass Woman Island where men (especially cheaters) aren’t allowed. What if someone finds out you’re over here, and they think less of you? Hell, what if YOU think less of yourself all on your own? And why can’t you get off this damn carousel?

The Monorail of Flatness- This one sounds great at first. After spending months and months on a rollercoaster, the idea of a smooth ride is enticing. Until it’s boring. Until you miss the excitement of the ups, because now everything is mostly bleh. This is the Plain of lethal flatness. You’re not sinking but you’re not experiencing many ups. You’re seated next to a stranger making awkward conversation and your butt’s numb. This “stranger” also punched you in the face before the ride started, but you’re trying to be a good sport and keep the ride from being completely silent. When will the stranger feel more like a friend, and when will you forgive them for hurting you? You have no idea. There’s no time limit for how long you’ll be on this particular ride.

Trigger Tower- What the F are you doing here? Shouldn’t I have left you in Post Discovery World? Why do I still find myself experiencing your free falls? Everyone says I should be done riding you by now. I find myself jumping straight from you to the Shame Carousel.

Woo. This took a real metaphorical turn I wasn’t expecting. I want to add some positives to the mix. I have some in mind, but not the energy. What rides are you currently experiencing in R Land? The good and the bad. Please share!

42 comments posted: Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Reassurance

Hello again. I’m on a posting kick, I suppose.

I guess I am looking for reassurance that it does in fact take a while for the relationship to feel “easy.” Meaning, right now it takes an immense amount of emotional effort on my part to have even semi normal days with my husband. I miss being at ease and comfortable with him.It is possible for those feelings to return, right? And only being a year and two months out from d-day, it’s reasonable for everything to still seem hard, and even a bit forced? Or is that not a good sign?

4 comments posted: Sunday, February 14th, 2021

The Shame of Staying

I don’t feel like there is much out there in regards to the BS feeling immense shame in choosing to stay with their partner after infidelity. I did a quick look in the healing library, and didn’t see anything. Maybe I missed it? I’ve also done my own research on the topic, and didn’t come up with much. While there is some stuff on why we feel that way, there’s not a lot in how to actually overcome it.

For those further along in their reconciliation, how were you able to cope with this aspect? How were you able to move past it?

41 comments posted: Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

Feeling Alone

I have an incredibly supportive family. They want to see me happy. They want to see my family stay together. They hate seeing me still having triggers, or having rough days. I don’t know if it’s because they don’t understand, or just feel helpless in what they can do for me, but I feel like everyone is tired of me not being “over it” yet. It’s like they think if I really wanted to be better by now, I would be. But since I still struggle, I must want to stay that way. How do you explain to someone you aren’t choosing to be triggered? Or that everything else going on isn’t enough to distract you from thoughts of the A? My mom being sick last year, the pandemic, deaths in the family. They have no understanding how I am still able to think about “something that happened 4 years ago” despite all the other shit that’s happening. I’ve tried to explain betrayal trauma to them, but it’s mostly scoffed at. I guess they don’t believe it’s a real thing.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who was betrayed, but I don’t really have anyone in my corner. When your own mom is essentially telling you to get over it in front of your WH, how the fuck am I supposed to feel? How do they not see that only fuels my feelings of inadequacy. “Well, shit. I wasn’t good enough for my WH so he fucked someone else. Now I can’t even fucking heal right after being cheated on?” Like WTF?? I could write so much more but I’m exasperated right now.

ETA sorry for the excessive use of profanity. I’ve been stuffing these feelings down for too long, I guess.

[This message edited by Underserving at 4:26 PM, February 7th (Sunday)]

13 comments posted: Sunday, February 7th, 2021

Looking at the Positive

The husband and I both have Covid. He’s on the up, and I mostly just feel like I have a terrible cold. My kids will now be quarantined from school for 24 days. My 7th round of quarantine with them. :( To say going through a global pandemic while dealing with betrayal trauma is friggin hard, would be quite the understatement. My mental health has definitely paid a price.

However, I have to admit it’s been pretty nice to have some time with my husband at home while we are quarantined. We aren’t able to do much, other than watch movies and lay in bed together. We chat, laugh, and cuddle if we’re feeling up to it. I still have thoughts pretty frequently of the A, but nothing like it was a year ago. I also have a lot of moments where things feel really good and comfortable with him, and I don’t think about it at all. It’s only been in the last month we’ve had sex where I didn’t have a single MM. It was only a couple of times, but shows some progress. When I do have MMs now, I can usually get myself to stop and focus on the present. Healing really does take a long time. I know I still have a long ways to go, but it’s nice to know I’m on my way.

I definitely still have hard days. The rabbit hole is always there, tempting me to dive head first back inside of it. Sometimes I do. Most of the time, I don’t. Today, even with the GD Covid making me feel crummy, I’m reflecting on the little tiny bit of healing I’ve experienced, and feeling pretty positive (ugh there’s an unintentional pun )

Hope everyone is doing well. :)

4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Comforting WH After Loss

My WHs maternal grandmother passed away yesterday. It’s an especially hard blow for him, as his own mother died 7 years ago. His grandma was the only mother figure he had left.

I am working very hard to be a comfort to him, and to definitely take a break from any of the infidelity talk. However I’m noticing this is bringing up some bad memories and triggers for me. After his Mom died, he turned into a different person for YEARS. Depression that went undiagnosed and untreated, and though I know it didn’t cause his A, I do think it played a role in the mindset he was in when he was unfaithful. I am perfectly capable of understanding that losing his grandmother is not the same as losing his mom, but man it’s brought back some bad feelings.

Also, though I’m worlds away from where I was a year ago, I still find it challenging to be the supportive and empathetic wife I know I should be. Ugh, that kind of makes me sound like a monster, doesn’t it? I obviously hurt for him, but I’m having to let my guard down more than I ever have since d-day, in attempts to show him I am emotionally here for him during this time. It’s hard to let that guard down as much as I have, and as quickly as I have, when keeping that guard up has been such a source of protection for me. Maybe I’m expecting too much of myself? Maybe I’m not expecting enough? Idk...

I too am sad for this loss, as I loved her dearly. Why I’m letting his infidelity even cross my mind during all of this is beyond me.

Thanks for listening and am open to advice, or even a 2X4 if it’s needed.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Things Are Looking Up

I haven’t been on here as much, which I think is a pretty good sign. I’ve been doing so much better, and feeling very hopeful.

I think the entire 1st year after d-day was me processing everything. There was not a single second that went by without me thinking about the A. I stalked the OW the entire year on social media. Using the advanced search tool to look at every post she made during the A. I didn’t understand why I was doing it. I know now I was just trying to make sense of something that you can’t make sense of. My brain did not want to accept that any of this was real. That my WH could choose some skanky druggie over his family. The truth is, he didn’t choose her, he chose himself over everyone. He threw his life in the toilet, and traumatized me in the process. It’s been a hard thing to accept, but I think I’ve gotten there. I accept that this happened to me. I accept my WH was a selfish asshat who only cared about himself. I also accept that he has changed, and that he’s not the same person he was 4 years ago. Not only do I have 3 years of him proving that (except him obviously failing to disclose the A) I have the past year of him showing me his remorse, and willingness to do whatever it takes to heal our marriage. I’m not sure I would have stayed with me through this journey, even though it was his fault we were in it. Let’s just say I acted like a lunatic on more than a few occasions, and had spent the entire year making sure he knew exactly what a POS I thought he was. In December, something clicked and I was able to choke down the shit sandwich, and accept the new reality of my life and my marriage.

I feel like I’m FINALLY on the path to healing. The first year was just surviving and, like I previously stated, processing. The doom and gloom feeling I had every single day has been gone, and I’m able to get back to a somewhat normal life. Tomorrow my kids return to school, I’m having coffee with a friend who has also been through infidelity, and then this mommas getting a hot new hair do. After that I plan on starting back to the gym, and have groceries bought for some delicious healthy eating. I’m excited that I’m finally able to start moving forward with my life.

I also am allowing myself to feel like R has begun. Something I was pretty terrified of. However I do plan on focusing more on myself, as it takes time to recover from an entire year of depression. I hated myself for a long time for not choosing to immediately divorce my WH, but I’ve be able to work through that as well. I don’t think I will ever regret offering him a chance at R.

This is off topic with the rest of my post but I also had to share a proud moment for me. The other night I was looking in the mirror, and there were still some lingering thoughts of comparing my body to the OWs, and if my WH really found me more attractive than her. I quickly changed it to “Are YOU happy and confident with your appearance? Yes, and that’s ALL that really matters.” A little thing to most, but a big victory for me. :)

Thanks for all of those who have helped me through this journey. I hope in a few years I can offer some encouragement and hope like so many of you have done for me.

6 comments posted: Monday, January 4th, 2021

Relief

Man oh man. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath the past few days, and can finally breathe.

Our wedding anniversary was Friday. My WH took care of planning a nice dinner, and I bought a really sexy dress. I didn’t say the words “happy anniversary” or anything. I treated it like a regular date night. He ended up taking me to the same restaurant he took me to after he proposed 13 years ago. I didn’t even remember until he told me lol so it wasn’t a trigger, more of a “read the room” moment. Besides that, he tried to keep the topic of conversation on the future he wants us to have together, and how sorry he is for jeopardizing our marriage and family. It was a nice night for what it was. I had to work really hard not to let my thoughts stay stuck on 4 years ago when he was in his A, and actually got home from our night out and called her. (Pretty sure he met up with her the day after.) It requires so much effort to not go back there and dive head first into the rabbit hole. One of the many injustices we suffer as betrayeds. Who knew it was so exhausting just to try not to think about shit?

Then Saturday night we went out again. It was fun until

I drank too much and wasn’t as in control of where I let my mind wander. Ended up letting him have it on the drive home. I actually woke up Sunday morning regretting that I let myself ruin a really good night. Don’t misunderstand me, I know it’s his fault we’re in this situation to begin with, but it felt more like self-sabotage than anything. Further validated how ready I am to not let what happened 4 years ago keep me from enjoying the present.

This morning he left to go out of town for work a few days. I feel a little lighter now that our anniversary weekend has passed, and I get a few days to myself to recover from an emotionally exhausting weekend. I’m still doing really good, and feel the best I have since starting this awful journey. Just kinda caught me off guard how much strength it would require to get through this past weekend. I did it though, even with a bump in the road, I’m pretty proud of myself.

A season is almost over. Okay that’s not true lol but the physical part of it almost is. December 18-20 is the last time they had sex. He then ended that part of it, but did keep talking to her for another 4 months. Yeah him still continuing the emotional aspect of the A is hurtful, but the month and a half they were actually having sex is WAY more traumatic for me. Even if it was staggered and slow, after the 18-20 I believe he started coming out of it. He kept the attention and ego kibbles for a while, but knowing the guilt had gotten to him enough to stop the sex shows me he at least had some sort of conscious, even if it was still pretty shitty. I guess I explained all of because the past 2 months have been a cluster F of triggers, and I’m almost out of the hardest part. I’m extremely hopeful that next year it won’t be near as tough as it was this year.

Thanks for being an ear, for understanding, for support, and for all of the wisdom I’ve gotten from you beautiful souls. Forever grateful for this community.

3 comments posted: Monday, December 14th, 2020

D-Day Anniversary

Well, here it is. A whole year since d-day.

Maybe I’m some sort of weirdo, but I actually feel more relieved than I do triggered or sad. It feels like I’ve reached some sort of milestone. The past 12 months have been the hardest of my entire life (with freaking 2020 on top of my own personal hell) but I made it! I’ve done it! I can remember feeling like the pain and grief were going to literally kill me, but they didn’t! I’m still here, and that deep grief I thought I’d never be rid of, is slowly becoming a fading memory. I can finally say I’m at a place I feel if I could go back to exactly a year ago, I’d give myself a giant hug and say “you WILL get through this.”

Now, this past month or so has been wild. Lots of back and forth in what I want to do with my marriage. Pain shopping every single day. I was like a drug addict with the OWs Twitter. All that did was keep ME stuck. I’ve gone about two weeks without looking, and I’ve been way more conscious of what I allow myself to think about. I’m saying goodbye to that rabbit hole that likes to pull me back in just when I feel like I’m finally out of it. No more. . I’m reading books on taking control of your thoughts, and how to stay in the present, while being hopeful for the future. It’s been a game changer for my healing.

So as strange as it is, I’m feeling excited! Like the first year has served its purpose, and now it’s time for another chapter. So please, no one come rain on my crazy lady parade. Lol Let me believe I’m through the worst of it and on the path to healing.

As always, thank you all for your support and advice.

[This message edited by Underserving at 8:57 AM, December 9th (Wednesday)]

9 comments posted: Wednesday, December 9th, 2020

Scene of the Crime

For lack of a better title.The inevitable has happened, and I’m not sure how I’m doing?

My WH is a field technician, so he works in all kinds of cities. We live in a small town about 30 miles west of a large metroplex. He met his AP while he was working for another company, and she lives in one of these big cities. He will be working in that city for the next few days. It’s huge, and he hasn’t had contact with her in 3.5 years, but it is still super triggery seeing his location in that particular place.

D-day is also in 2 days. Though I’m not particularly dreading it. It doesn’t seem to hurt me like so many other dates. Then 2 days after that is our wedding anniversary.

There’s no real point to this post. Just sharing with people who understand I guess.

9 comments posted: Monday, December 7th, 2020

Uncertainty

I’m not sure where to put this. I’ve found I am most comfy over here in the reconciliation forum, but this is far from a reconciliation post. Please bare with me.

I have felt so trapped in my misery. Last night I realized that his infidelity might just be a dealbreaker for me. Meaning, I may never be able to move forward in a healthy and happy way while being married to my WH. Every moment with him is so forced and unnatural. I’m constantly reminded of his lies and betrayal. So much of the time I feel like I’m drowning. This is no way to live. I’m so heartbroken that this is what my marriage has become. I’m so angry that he did this to me. Mostly I’m just tired of being unhappy.

I’ve given myself permission for the first time since d-day to start planning for Divorce. Covid has made this a bit trickier, as I’m a SAHM, and finding a job while my kids are constantly quarantined will be difficult. I’ve accepted it may be a few months before the job search can really begin, and I’m ok with it. In the meantime, I am dedicating my time to improving both my physical and mental health. I want to be stronger in my body and my mind, so I’m better able to focus on my kids when/if the time comes to end the marriage. I also want to be confident in myself starting a whole new life, and being a single mom of 2 for the first time.

Now, I don’t know what the future holds, but holy cow it feels like a million pounds have been lifted off my chest, just the mere thought of maybe one day getting out of this life I feel so trapped in. I still have hope that maybe once I’ve focused solely on my healing, I won’t feel the way I do about my WH anymore, but I’m not clinging on to it for dear life like I had been. It doesn’t feel so forced.

I have no family support when it comes to ending my marriage, and I don’t think they realize how damaging it has been to me, and even my marriage, to try to guilt me into staying, instead of it being a decision I’ve come to on my own. Because of this, I have no one to confide in my desire to plan for divorce. It’s extremely lonely. I will be putting on a charade for the next few months of trying to make the M work, though I do think I will naturally distance myself emotionally from my WH. I believe it’s in my best interest, and for my kids, to take my time in preparing myself for such a drastic change. I’m taking back control over my life. I never thought I’d be here. I never thought I’d feel this way.

This is just the first step in what will eventually lead me to a crossroads for whatever my next path in life will be. I am looking forward to being in a position to make the best decision for ME by ME. As always, thank you all for your support.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

11 Months Out

I thought I’d keep up my monthly updates, at least until next month when it’s the anniversary of d-day.

I’m doing pretty well. Still have bad days, but mostly good ones. My WH spent all of this past weekend remodeling our master bathroom. He knew that’s a place that has bothered me, as it’s where he took a lot of his A selfies when he was home. OW showed me a pic he sent her with my old shower curtain in the background. I’ve resented the damn thing since then. Anyways, I picked a new paint color, new curtain, and a bunch of other new stuff. I went with “livable green” by SW. it’s such a bright and lovely color. As we were painting over the old grey, it felt almost symbolic. Yes, the old dreary grey is still under there, and always will be, but it’s not what you see. It’s not what you feel when you step in there. As small a thing as painting a bathroom is, it felt like a big step for me, and for us. I have decided to R. Full fledged, let’s give it a try, R. I haven’t told my WH this yet, as I wanted to be the full year out before making a definite decision, but it really does feel right for me.

I’m considering telling him I want us to reconcile, and begin our new life and marriage together, on our anniversary. Maybe some vets can give me some advice on that. It’s 2 days after d-day. I don’t know that I can celebrate that day in honor of our old marriage, and the vows we made together when we were 21, and complete idiots. I also don’t want to pretend that day is just another ordinary day. So, I guess I’m thinking I can make that day special in a new way? IDK..

I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who has helped me on this miserable journey. Your words of advice and support have been invaluable.

16 comments posted: Monday, November 16th, 2020

My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. A day I had been dreading for months. Ya know what? I had a great day! Even with all the election stuff going on and the triggers from what my WH was doing on this day 4 years ago.

So I at first thought I didn’t even want him to acknowledge it was my birthday. Then he went all out with flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, presents and dinner. It was actually really nice. Had lunch with my mom and sister, and overall had a lovely birthday.

Another year older. Would never have predicted what my 31st year would bring, but I’m looking forward to 32 being a whole lot better.

Hope everyone’s doing well. :)

12 comments posted: Thursday, November 5th, 2020

WH Out of Town

My WH will be working out of town this week. Is it awful I’m looking forward to having some time to myself? A few days where his presence doesn’t trigger me?

Also, please tell me this doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doomed because I feel that way.

15 comments posted: Monday, October 26th, 2020

Recognizing Effort

I mostly come here to get support for myself, vent my frustrations, and to seek advice when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I hardly mention my WH, unless I’m bitching about his A. I know that’s normal and valid, but I thought I’d share something that has added a pinch to the trust and safety bucket.

He was asked to go on his dream guided hunting trip by a coworker. It’s valued at thousands of dollars and would be completely free. We’re talking the processing, taxidermy, and everything. He of course asked for my blessing before agreeing to go. I wholeheartedly gave it to him. It was for this weekend.

If you’ve read my latest post, I have had a few unexpectedly hard days, and just been overwhelmed and down. He recognized this, and told me he wouldn’t go on this trip if I didn’t want him to. I told him he absolutely should, an opportunity like this doesn’t come along very often. I meant it, and made sure he knew that. I was still in my funk though. Last night he told me he let his coworker know he wasn’t going to be able to go (it was a trip the guy won. He’s not out any money or anything) and that he wanted to be with me during this rough time. I know he’s GOT to be bummed, but he isn’t in any way showing his disappointment. Absolutely not guilt tripping me even a little.

It may not be some huge deal, but it showed me he was putting me and my feelings above himself. Like I said, it’s just a few drops in the bucket, but at least it’s being added to instead of taken from.

9 comments posted: Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Over it

I know you can’t rush the healing process, but damn if I’m not tired of it. I want to feel freaking normal. I HATE that this has consumed me for 10.5 months now. I wake up and I think about it. I think about it all during the day. I think about it going to sleep.

Even good days. They’re all tainted in some way, because those happy family moments we share with our children, shouldn’t really even be happening. HE doesn’t deserve it.

My kids do. I know they do. And I’m CHOOSING to stay, it’s just a hard couple of days, after a long 10 months.

Thanks for being a place to share.

29 comments posted: Tuesday, October 20th, 2020

10 Months

I’m sorry if these monthly updates get tiresome. They almost always allow me the opportunity for further introspection and growth. I appreciate so much the few loyal posters who continue to give me good words of advice, support, and even some hard truths.

I’m actually doing pretty well! For the first time since d-day I have a feeling of peace, and even some contentment. I still hurt. I still have grieving to do. I am still battling coming out the other side of this dang depression, but I can finally feel the darkness lifting.

I am comfortable in where I am right now. I don’t want to move forward with a Divorce, and I’m also not ready to prioritize our marriage or R. I want to take more time for personal healing. I want to focus on myself, and get to a place of individual happiness. Once I feel in a better mental and emotional place, I can then start working on R with my WH, if that’s what I choose. I’m not sure when that will be, and I’m ok with that.

I’m happy to have more time at home with my kids. I do have a backup plan financially that allows me to feel comfortable in this decision. I know if I do ultimately decide to D, I will be okay. I’m even comfortable enjoying my WHs companionship. It took us A LOT of years to get to where we communicate well with each other, and have created a strong friendship. I’m allowing myself to laugh with him, spend time with him, and even enjoy the extremely fulfilling sex life we have (this is only about 2 years old for us. Was a huge struggle before)

I’m not sure what tomorrow, next month, or next year will bring, but for RIGHT NOW, I feel like I’m where I need to be.

8 comments posted: Sunday, October 4th, 2020

OW Getting Married

I have been much better about not looking at the OWs Twitter. In fact, when I stopped feeling guilty about looking at it, and quit trying to force myself not to, I actually got bored of her postings pretty quickly. I’d gotten to where I’d briefly check it a few times a week, instead of multiple times a day. This may not sound like a feat, but it was for me. I mean, I was OBSESSED with looking at her past stuff (during the A) as well as her current. Then it became more of wondering if she was going to say anything about my WH, or even me. In truth, I also wanted to make sure she was doing ok, because even though I hate her for lying to me, and trying to purposefully hurt me, she was also a victim of my WHs lies and selfishness.

I am glad to report she is now engaged to a man that seems to suit her pretty well. I don’t know why this feels like a burden off me. Maybe because I felt I would be a pretty shitty person if I decided to stay with a man who caused so much pain not only to myself, but to another woman as well. Still working on how to overcome those emotions, and if that’s even possible. Anyways, even though I despise her, I’m glad she’s found happiness. Though they seem to have only known each other a few months, I hope their lives are full of all the acid tabs and shrooms one can get their hands on. (I had to be a little snarky)

I believe I am ready to let go of keeping up with her now. She’s 3.5 years removed from my WHs life. He’s definitely moved on. I’m the only one who has stayed stuck in that time period.

[This message edited by Underserving at 1:53 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

8 comments posted: Monday, September 28th, 2020

Dates

Something that still bothers me is that I don’t have any specific dates of their “meetups.” We have looked at phone records, her Twitter, the calendar, so on and so forth and nothing has led to him being able to pinpoint a single date for any of the times he went to her apartment.

Does this seem possible? I know the deep rooted issue is that I obviously don’t trust him fully, and it’s hard to take him at his word. I know this will take time to rebuild. However, I was wondering if this even sounds plausible to others?

Another thing real quick, she sent me a picture she took of him and said it was taken on oct 20. He says there’s no way, as he hadn’t been over to her apartment until after Halloween (he remembers her inviting him to a party. He didn’t go) The picture didn’t have anything showing the date, so not actual proof, but would be weird if she lied about it. He says he really cannot give me any dates, no matter how hard he’s tried to think back on it, but really believes it had to have been after Halloween.

Is this something I should continue to press, or should I let it go as something that doesn’t really change anything, and I’ll likely never be satisfied about anyways?

[This message edited by Underserving at 1:25 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

9 comments posted: Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020

A BS Rewriting History

You hear on this site a lot about the WS rewriting the marriage history as a way to justify their actions. What if their portrayal of the marriage is actually more accurate, and you as the BS are the one who has been rewriting it?

I knew our marriage wasn’t going well for a couple of years leading up to his A. We had a lot of good days, but the bad ones were frequent, and were really bad. I’ve been able to admit that. I’ve been able to say, 4 years ago was the absolute worst year of our marriage. However, I don’t think I really allowed myself to see just how awful it was.

I could admit I yelled at him a lot. Called him every name in the book, and often. Told him he wasn’t a good enough provider for his family. Chose to spend time with my sister and mother over him. Acted annoyed when he’d call me on the phone just to talk. Still, somehow I was convinced it wasn’t THAT bad. I didn’t scream at him EVERY day. He was the one making it seem worse than it was! He’s the cheater after all!

Going through something as traumatic as an intimate betrayal really tears down a lot of the facades we’ve created not only just in our marriages, but with us as individuals as well. I saw myself for who I really was at the time, and I’m ashamed of it.

I did start changing my behavior a few years ago, and it was actually during his A unbeknownst to me. He had become cold and detached, no longer responding to my outbursts the way I wanted him to (can you say manipulation ) I realized I was very likely going to lose my husband, and it took that almost happening to see how much I didn’t want to. That I loved him. I started listening to podcasts and reading books and did change. I hadn’t called him a name, screamed at him, or thrown D in his face for years (until d-day) He changed too. He started opening up to me about how he was feeling (after ending the A he dug into his own issues and realized he’s been harboring resentment for me for years by pushing down his feelings instead of expressing them) we went on to have our dream marriage (he agrees)

I obviously have a lot more growth to do. I have learned so much about myself. A lot of good stuff too! I’ve found a strength I didn’t know I had. An independence that is REAL and not tied up in some weird mix of codependency and fear of rejection. (Add in a coping mechanism of anger, and boy howdy, that was toxic.) I’m on the path to being someone I’M genuinely proud of. Someone I want my girls to be able to look up. It’s crazy that it took my world being blown up to truly make these reflections.

I don’t know why i decided to share all of this. You see on here a lot about WS being the one who needs to get to the bottom of their hows and Whys. I feel like I needed to do that as well. I also needed to face the reality of how things actually were leading up to, and during his A. NOT as a justification, but as the truth. Even if we D, I think it’s important I deal with those things.

Thanks for being a safe place to share.

23 comments posted: Friday, September 18th, 2020

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