D-day has come and gone. So has our anniversary, the most hurtful of the holidays, and the physical part of A season. I wish I could say it was smooth sailing, but it was not. 😂 I was also dealing with some hormone issues, and man that did NOT help. Hopefully I’m over that hump.
I have recently felt a shift. A calmness. Dare I say it, acceptance? I don’t know if it’s psychological, or the 2 year thing is that dead on, but I have noticed a change in me. I’m not saying I’m all whole and healed, but I do think I have finally accepted that this happened to me, I can’t change it, and I’m now ready to focus on the future. Jesus what an exciting concept, and how fucking annoying that it takes that long.
I’m also viewing my husband differently. I have spent the better part of two years either hating his guts considering divorce, or desperate for his love and affirmation. Sometimes both at the same time, which is a mind fuck. Now it’s kind of evened out where I believe I’m making the right decision to stay, but I don’t feel that "need" to have him validate me anymore. I know that’s a good thing. I know it’s obviously best to not depend on a man who cheated on you. However, it is kind of sad to now think "if we divorced…meh." 😂 maybe someone gets what I mean by being both glad and sad to reach that point.
Besides my deep dive into the fluctuating hormone pit which kept reactivating my "flight or fight" (that was hell) I’ve been doing really well. I still think about the affair on a daily basis, but it’s "foggier" now. Not near as raw or painful. I don’t constantly relive that time like I did for so long. Even the mind movies, when I have them, are fuzzy and not as hurtful.
I can remember being only days out from d-day and wishing I had a fast forward button to get through those first couple of years. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to make it through this. It feels so fucking good to be here now, knowing not only did I make it through, I made it out a stronger, wiser, and more empathetic version of myself.
I know this is the reconciliation forum, and maybe I should post more about the progress my husband and I have made. I do hope to do that one day, but for now, I’m just proud of me. :)
Thanks SI stranger friends for being here.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, December 29th, 2021
When Things Get Better
The last few weeks have felt like a dream. I say that, because for YEARS I didn’t believe my marriage could ever be better than just ok. I was so jealous of happy couples on social media. I even deleted people because they were a constant reminder that my marriage sucked compared to everyone else’s. (Turns out almost all of those couples divorced lol Goes to show social media can be a load of BS)
But here I am now with a husband who treats me with such adoration, respect, and tenderness, I really don’t know what to do with myself. 😂 Mostly because this is the same man who was distant for years, selfish, and ya know… a fucking cheater. The same man and the same woman who had no idea how to resolve conflict. Who were hardly ever intimate. Just going through the motions while harboring resentment towards each other. Somehow those two people have figured out how to do this marriage thing, and actually make a pretty damn good team.
BUT… what the fuck? 😂 We could have gotten here without all that other bullshit, and it’s annoying. I can’t even fully enjoy this "new marriage" with this "new husband" because I’m still so skeptical. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yesterday my husband cleaned the entire house, did all the laundry, took care of dinner, and still made sure to make our intimate time all about me. 7 years ago, I could only fantasize about that (And boy did I) The other weekend he planned a guys day with my brother and brother-in-law. Something he would never have made an effort to do in the past. Thanksgiving was so wonderful. We had an amazing date night this past weekend. He is always putting me first and somehow I have naturally reciprocated.
BUT… what the fuck?? 😂 It’s so weird and I kind of struggle with thoughts of "how much of a sham are we? This is all fake. We can never be the happy couple because of what he did."
Anyone else experience this when things actually started going well?
**It hasn’t only been like this for the past few weeks and that’s it. It’s just taken me all of almost 2 years to allow myself to really acknowledge the change and growth in him and our marriage. If that makes sense.
21 comments posted: Monday, November 29th, 2021
Today I turned 33 years old. My grandma has this belief that 3s are lucky numbers, and that it is somehow supposed to symbolize some incredible year is in store for me. Even though I don’t believe the same as her, I sure hope she’s right.
My birthday is a triggery day when it comes to R. I don’t think it would be near as bothersome if I had chosen the D route. It’s a trade-off I don’t have to love, but I suppose it’s one I have to accept.
I can’t even really put my finger on why it triggers me so much. My husband spent 7 months disrespecting me, betraying me, and lying to me. Does it really matter he did those things on my birthday 5 years ago? Rationally no. However, seeing the same man try to make me feel special on a day he once shit all over me, well, it is hard to reconcile. It’s hard to trust. It mostly makes me want to tell him to not even bother.
In spite of one of the most hurtful days for me regarding my husband’s affair, I still had a pretty good day. I spent time with the people I love the most, ate way too much yummy food, and won a few hands of poker. I’m proud of my resilience, even when I would have preferred to lock myself in my room. I celebrated ME today. Perhaps one day it won’t feel like such a GD chore to let my husband acknowledge my birthday. For now, it was enjoyed in spite of him. And ya know what? That’s ok. That’s where I’m at. R is hard. Special occasions with triggers attached to them are hard. They are a part of this journey, and navigating them is a bitch.
That’s really all I had to say. Hope everyone is doing well.
19 comments posted: Friday, November 5th, 2021
I’m A Terrible Person (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Tuesday, October 26th, 2021
It’s hitting me harder than I anticipated. It is discouraging how much it is affecting me, when I had such high hopes that it wouldn’t.
This is everyone else’s favorite time of the year, but I can’t stand it anymore. Every holiday is a reminder of my husbands betrayal and blatant disregard for me. Throw in my birthday and our anniversary, and I wish I could just hit fast forward.
I know people talk about reclaiming dates, but I don’t feel up to that. At least not with him. I’m not even near as mad this year, I’m just sad that any of this happened. It feels like I’m so far away from ever enjoying what was once such a happy time of year for me. For what?? So he could escape reality for a little while and "feel better about himself." It will always be so unfair what he did to me and our family.
I was doing really good, and then A season had to come knock me on my ass. I’m honestly disappointed in myself that I am having this reaction. I thought I was more healed than this.
Thanks once again for being a place to share.
14 comments posted: Monday, October 11th, 2021
R is hard. I can’t imagine it’s supposed to be easy, but that doesn’t mean one day it won’t be worth it. Please keep in mind I do not want to D right now. I’m more than able to, I simply don’t want to. So if you’re going to recommend D, save your fingers the unnecessary typing. ;)
Making peace with my decision to stay with a cheater is still hard. I feel almost like I have had to chip away some pieces of myself in order to be the person who can stay. Does that make sense? I’ve had enough time to consider my options, and I believe R is the best one for me and my family. My husband has done all that I’ve asked of him and more. It’s not that he could somehow "do this" and it would help me. It’s very much about my own internal conflict. I don’t believe it’s "well maybe it has always been a deal breaker." Of fucking course it was a deal breaker, but I’m open to a new deal with him, except for those pieces of me that aren’t. They are smaller and quieter than those parts of me willing to give this a real shot, but I can’t deny they’re there. They sneak up on me sometimes, and I find myself overwhelmed by them. I guess it could be lizard brain, but when I visualize it, it’s me cutting away pieces of myself. It’s honestly a really sad image. I respect those thoughts and feelings, but I don’t want them to be a driving force in my life.
I’m kind of just sharing what I’m struggling with, more so than looking for advice. I don’t want to deny that R goes against some of my personality traits and core values. Yet, I also have plenty of those that are absolutely able to make R work. I suppose that’s what I’m really getting at with this post. The internal war that I find myself experiencing sometimes.
Ok now I’ll ask for some advice. How do you make peace with the smaller parts of you that are inherently against staying, with the larger parts of you that are willing to, without feeling like you are cutting away pieces of who you are? If this even makes any fucking sense. lol
I’ll add, I don’t feel this way all the time. I have more good days than bad ones, or even "meh"
ones. R is going well for the most part. Obviously I still have some struggles. I am content with where I’m at more often than not, but I also don’t want to ignore those unhealed aspects of this journey, either.
Thanks for being a place to share. I appreciate you all.
23 comments posted: Tuesday, September 28th, 2021
So I am leaving for Florida on Friday. I only have a few days there and will be in the Odessa area.
Anyone know the best beaches around there? I don’t mind driving a little ways if it’s worth it.
(I do know of the red tide situation)
8 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021
I am proud as hell of myself!
I made it through our first family vacation post d-day, and actually had a blast. It was 7 days and 6 nights, and a 7 hour long car ride. I wasn’t completely free of triggers or intrusive thoughts, but handled them really well. My husband was great to make sure I was doing ok and able to relax. He went out of his way to be helpful with my sister and her husband’s family (they have 5 kids). He played with my nieces and nephews (as well as our own kids) more than their own father. My mom also went, and he was so attentive to her and helped her so much since she is a single woman. I was glad to have him, and imagined how different it would have been if he wasn’t there. Not that I wouldn’t have been able to handle it, but it was nice to feel appreciative of him.
I never thought I would be in this place. I never thought the pain and the grief would ever subside, but they have, and I finally feel like I’m out of the pit that was my home for so long. I still feel hurt sometimes, but I also am able to feel contentment, and even joy now. There is an other side to this, and I’m well on my way.
We really do have to stop punishing ourselves for choosing to stay. There won’t be any freedom until we are able to do so. It’s so easy to allow ourselves to be haunted by some figment of our imagination. The person we thought we’d be if our spouse ever cheated on us. The truth is, that person didn’t exist until d-day. They couldn’t have. The betrayed spouse isn’t born until after discovery. So if you’re stuck in comparison mode between who you thought you’d be as a BS, and the actual reality of you as a BS, I say let that shit go.
Keep going ladies and gents. It really does get better.
9 comments posted: Sunday, July 18th, 2021
Downside of R
So R is fucking hard. It really is. It can be worth it, but it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
One of those hard parts I’m currently experiencing is “normal” marriage issues don’t seem normal anymore. Even the smallest shit feels like a “make it or break it” moment. For example, my husband is out of town leading a really big job. He is extremely busy and stressed, so he hasn’t had much time to talk to me. He works late, and when he gets back to the hotel he has to do a ton of paperwork before going to bed. I want to be understanding, but then all I can think about is how he wasn’t “too busy” to talk to the AP 1,000,000 times a day. My rational mind realizes he is at a new job with way more responsibility, but my lizard brain wants to freak right out and put back up my wall to protect myself.
There’s no real point to this post. I guess I just needed to share with people who understand how tough this journey really is.
19 comments posted: Wednesday, June 16th, 2021
I’m curious, for those who experienced HB, how long did it last? At what point is it no longer considered HB, but maybe a new normal?
Since about a week post d-day my husband has been obsessed with me. We have sex on an almost daily basis, and the weekends it’s usually a few times a day. (I have a high sex drive so I’m more than okay with this)
For those unfamiliar with my story, our sex life was beyond pathetic for YEARS. He would initiate maybe once every month to two months, with me doing the bulk of the initiating, but was often rejected. About a year after his affair, he started initiating a lot more often, and we were having sex about 3-4 times a week. It stayed that way until d-day.
I guess I’m afraid this is still HB, will eventually wane, and what that would mean for me. I think I’d be ok with returning to the 3-4 times a week, but anything less than that I would not be ok with. Maybe in a “normal” marriage that hadn’t experienced infidelity, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to me, but now it is. I suppose I’m not willing to ever go back to a mediocre marriage with mediocre sex.
So a little over 16 moths out, could this still be HB?
ETA: I did a quick little search on the topic, and it seems hysterical bonding is mostly done on the side of the betrayed. They’re the ones wanting to have more sex as a way to hold onto their spouse, reclaim them, or even as a way to pick me dance. So can a wayward also experience HB? Almost as a form of desperation to keep your partner? Curious to hear from waywards also, and what their experience with it was.
[This message edited by Underserving at 12:26 PM, April 19th (Monday)]
20 comments posted: Monday, April 19th, 2021
How to Help With a Trigger
So this Friday night we are going to a baseball game with a friend of my WH’s and his wife. I haven’t been to a ballgame in ages, and am really looking forward to it!
The catch is, we have to drive past the exact exit my WH would take to go to the AP’s apartment. It will be the first time I have ever driven by there since learning of the A. There is no way to avoid it, unfortunately.
Any suggestions on ways to prepare for this expected trigger? I really don’t want it to ruin a fun night for me...
26 comments posted: Wednesday, April 14th, 2021
I’m back! Lol
I am realizing I probably should have been in the general forum for the good first year of after d-day. I’m just now really into the throes of reconciliation.
It’s turning out a lot different than I thought it would. I spent a year processing, grieving, raging, researching, and being extremely mindful of how my WH was reacting to the shitstorm he created. It took me a year to decide I was willing to R. It felt really good at first to finally make a decision. I was feeling all the positivity and hope. I think it was mostly relief that I had actually picked a path. Being unsure whether to stay or leave is pretty exhausting, and carries a heavy burden all on its own.
Now that I’m here in R land, there’s a whole new amusement park full of rides I wasn’t expecting. I’ve made a few posts recently, but thought I would compound them into what I’m currently experiencing.
The Shame Carousel: Its not fun. I don’t enjoy it. She’s a seedy little ride that you think you can avoid, but somehow draws you in, and you end up staying on way too long in need of a barf bag. This is the shame of staying. You swore you never would, yet here you are in R Land after your husband had a full fledged affair. Why are you even here? You should be on Badass Woman Island where men (especially cheaters) aren’t allowed. What if someone finds out you’re over here, and they think less of you? Hell, what if YOU think less of yourself all on your own? And why can’t you get off this damn carousel?
The Monorail of Flatness- This one sounds great at first. After spending months and months on a rollercoaster, the idea of a smooth ride is enticing. Until it’s boring. Until you miss the excitement of the ups, because now everything is mostly bleh. This is the Plain of lethal flatness. You’re not sinking but you’re not experiencing many ups. You’re seated next to a stranger making awkward conversation and your butt’s numb. This “stranger” also punched you in the face before the ride started, but you’re trying to be a good sport and keep the ride from being completely silent. When will the stranger feel more like a friend, and when will you forgive them for hurting you? You have no idea. There’s no time limit for how long you’ll be on this particular ride.
Trigger Tower- What the F are you doing here? Shouldn’t I have left you in Post Discovery World? Why do I still find myself experiencing your free falls? Everyone says I should be done riding you by now. I find myself jumping straight from you to the Shame Carousel.
Woo. This took a real metaphorical turn I wasn’t expecting. I want to add some positives to the mix. I have some in mind, but not the energy. What rides are you currently experiencing in R Land? The good and the bad. Please share!
49 comments posted: Friday, February 19th, 2021