Newest Member: AcesEights

csaiht

I wonder why OW didn't contact me?

My husband started an affair in 2011 when our kids were just babies. The physical affair lasted a few months (he says), but they continued on with their affair via text & phone for the next 9 years (sometimes going a while between contact when she had a boyfriend). She was waiting for him to leave me to be with her.

He says she threatened at one point that if he stopped talking to her, she'd tell me everything (I don't know if I believe this, but ok). I told him he could've just said "My wife found out, don't contact me again." Such an easy way out of it, but obviously he didn't want out of it.

But I wonder why she didn't just contact me at some point & get the ball rolling if she thought he was going to leave me for her? Why wait in the shadows for a whole decade? Given what I know about her, she's not very bright, but this seems to be an obvious move, I'd think.

I was not able to see any conversations between them as my husband was excellent at covering his tracks, plus it happened over the course of a decade & he's changed phones several times since then, so I don't have anything to go off besides what he told me (which I'm sure he lied about).

13 comments posted: Sunday, October 24th, 2021

I hate the thought of him with someone else

I've been separated from my xWH for 2 months now. I've been mostly deeply grieving, but feeling better as well. One thing I can't shake is that I hate the idea of him being with someone else. However, I always remind myself he's already been with someone else (multiple someone elses).

I hate that. I thought we'd both only been with each other for the last 20 years. But no.

But I still hate the thought of him being with someone else, like in an actual relationship where I'm not in the picture at all. Where he brings this person around our kids and they're a part of their life.

Why do I care?

xWH wants us to reconcile. If I want that, he's on board. He says he wants to do it right from here on out. That he was stupid and didn't realize what he was doing. That he didn't know what he had until he'd lost it. That he had all these bad influences around him telling him affairs are ok, other men talking shit about their wives and treating them terribly, and he just thought that was how it is.

I don't totally believe that, but ok. I understand there are culural issues especially in regard to how men view and treat women. He says he honestly thought that all he needed to do was provide financially, and that was it. He didn't think he needed to put any effort into our relationship. He thought it would just happen and things would just be good, even while he's cheating. He says he viewed it as similar to porn). I just don't believe anyone can actually think that.

But anyway, he sees how wrong and hurtful and abusive it is now. He's learned a lot. And I wonder, can he really be different? Do I even care at this point? I think about how many years he had to learn, grow, and turn himself around, but he refused. ‚Äč

I've always felt this connection or pull to him. But he doesn't have much depth. He doens't feel emotions the way I do. He doesn't feel a connection the way I do. He doens't even actually make me feel loved. Especially now.

But could he be that person now? The only reason I hold out for this hope is because we have kids together and all I ever wanted was for this to work out so we can have our family together, all 4 of us, happily. But... I can't get past the hurt he's caused. All the years he didn't protect us, didn't choose us, didn't love us. He was emotionally unavailable to all of us all these years.

So why do I still have this fantasy that he's going to become this safe, loving, feeling person? Something is wrong with me, maybe. It doesn't make sense given the facts. But I want it to be true so badly. I hate thinking that after destroying me and our kids, he'll become a great partner for someone else.

20 comments posted: Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Intimacy post-separation

I've been separated from my xWH for about 7 weeks, and I very badly want/need intimacy. I want to touch someone & they touch me. I want to have sex. I have not been with anyone but xWH for the last 20 years and I'm very nervous to be with anyone else.

Casual sex does not appeal to me. It scares me, actually. I don't like the idea at all. But, what am I to do? I have my kids nearly 100% of the time with no family to leave them with. I feel like it's going to be many years before I'm in a position to meet & trust someone enough to be intimate with them.

My intimacy with xWH was excellent. So good. We know each other & exactly what we like. I hate that I still want that and I feel so deeply violated by his betrayal at the same time. So many conflicting feelings.

I can take care of myself, but I want a partner so badly.

17 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I haven't been with anyone else in 20 years

I'm coming up on 1 year since my marriage imploded & I found out my xWH had been cheating on me for a whole decade. And as far back as 15 years ago. Been separated for just over a month now. Things were bad for us for many years before this (he'd been cheating on me the whole time and I didn't know it; now all the bad times make so much sense).

I know it's not advisable to date so soon, but I've been craving a loving, involved partner for so long. Many, many years. I've been doing almost everything by myself all this time, and I just want someone who genuinely wants to do life with me.

But I'm both excited and terrified because I haven't been with anyone except xWH for the last 20 years. I thought he'd only been with me all this time, too, but... obviously not.

I feel so nervous and scared at the thought of being with anyone else sexually. I'm nervous about whether I'll ever trust anyone ever again after this. I'm scared about the possibility that I'll never have the good relationship I've always wanted because of the trauma from this betrayal.

And while I logically know better, there's a small part of me that wishes my xWH would grow & become someone capable of a healthy, honest relationship, and we could get back together. And I only hang onto this a tiny bit because we have kids and I've always wanted to just be a happy family together. I just hate this whole situation so much.

I recognize I'm not in a position to be a great partner to someone else right now, but these are the thoughts swirling around in my mind and I wanted to get them out.

7 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Feeling sad tonight

It's been a week and a half since my xWH moved out. Because of family-of-origin issues, I no longer talk to any of my family, and my WH was the last person in my life who I've known for a long time. We met as teenagers. He knows everything about my life, my family, etc. We share so many memories together. I've known him for more of my life than I haven't known him.
I have nobody who knows anything about me anymore. I'm just feeling really sad about this realization and need to get it out.

I know it will get better eventually and that I'm better off, so I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that. I just need to sit with my grief right now with others who understand. Thanks for listening.

8 comments posted: Sunday, August 29th, 2021

Grieving my marriage & life

I'm having a rough night grieving all the things my WH stole from me and our kids.

-My youth.
-My chance at doing life with a loving, committed partner.
-Our kids having a loving, involved, aware, caring dad.
-Having the experience of raising kids with an involved partner who's in it as much as I am. Smiling and making memories together each day/week/month/year.
-Our kids seeing their mom & dad having a good, loving, healthy marriage.
-Memories we had are now ruined.
-We won't be making future memories together.
-Our kids won't have their parents in the same house.
-Future holidays, vacations, etc together as a family will never happen.
-Our kids won't be able to come see us at one house during holidays.
-We won't grow old together, watching our kids grow up, and eventually having our grandkids over to visit together.
-My ability to trust other people is gone, I don't know how I'll ever have another relationship again.
-We won't be able to smile at each other and remember sweet/funny things from our past or cute things our kids did as babies.

Just so many things. I could go on and on. How can people do this? I can't understand.
And for what?

13 comments posted: Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Struggling with how I *didn't* react

Immediately when I found out about my WH's affairs, I was overcome with the most intense rage I've ever felt. I wanted to rip his clothes out of the closet, throw all his shit on the front lawn, set it on fire, and kick him out.

But I didn't do any of that. I only kicked him out of the bedroom and he's been sleeping in our spare room ever since. (I also stopped doing everything for him -- laundry, cooking, etc)

I didn't want to scare my kids (11 & 10 years old) or cause them further trauma. I knew this was going to affect them in a huge way as it is. And we were also in the beginning of the worst of the pandemic and were quarantining, and I was trying to keep my kids and myself safe.

I don't know if I did the right thing. Part of me thinks I did, because that would be scary for my kids to see, but part of me thinks maybe it would be good for them to see the consequences of a betrayal like this. Not that it would be good for them, but it happened and I was affected, and I hid the real depth of my feelings and pain and rage. I don't know if that was a good thing either.

I could barely function in the following weeks. At one point I did take some of his clothes out of the closet and throw them, but nothing like I really wanted to do.

I guess I'm struggling with feeling like I've repressed this need to let out my anger and it bothers me a lot.

I've recently asked my WH to leave, and I've filed for divorce, but he's refusing to leave now until the paperwork is final. It should be soon, but I'm ragey about that too. He won't leave!

I've fantasized about changing the locks while he's at work and setting his shit on the front porch. But until the paperwork is final, this is his house too and I can't make him leave.

I'm trying my best to keep things as calm as possible for my kids through this whole mess. I just don't know if I'm doing the right things.

17 comments posted: Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

My rage at the other women

These women KNEW my husband was married.

I know he made the vow to me and he's the one to blame, but these women KNEW and I hold them responsible too. There's enough rage to go around for all parties involved.

What kind of person knowingly and willingly gets involved with a married man and has no problem tearing apart a family??

They participated in my abuse and hurting my kids. I want justice, and it kills me that there isn't anything I can do. They aren't married, so there's nobody for me to out them to besides their families (which I might do). But that isn't likely to actually do anything.

There's no justice for this.

I want them to suffer. I want them to be publicly humiliated and shamed. I want them branded homewrecking whores forever so everyone knows and they can't escape it.

I'm furious that my kids are suffering because of them. And yes, I'm even more angry at my husband for doing this to me and his own kids. I'm dealing with that. But there's nothing I can do about these OW and the rage is hard to cope with.

I will never understand how anyone can desire a man who's cheating on his wife and neglecting his own kids and think he's such a great catch.

They think one day they'll skip off into the sunset together and he'll never cheat on her! 🙄 "He's willing to risk everything for me! I must be so special! This must be real love!"

I'm amazed at the stupidity. How is this possible?

What do I do with this rage?

121 comments posted: Friday, July 16th, 2021

Cheating is always a conscious decision

Just getting some thoughts out here.

Back when my husband and I were dating, I initiated contact with a guy who I thought was attractive. I said something to the effect of "I have a boyfriend, but I just have to tell you I think you're so hot." (I was maybe 20 or 21 at the time, and this was through MySpace)

He responded with "I don't care if you have a boyfriend, what's up with me and you hanging out??"

I had a feeling of panic and realized this could really happen. I could do it. I instantly decided NO, I am not that person and I don't want to be that person. I couldn't hurt my husband (then boyfriend) like that. I knew it was wrong.

I never responded to him and I never did anything like that ever again.

There are lots of little moments like that where one makes a conscious decision to go further or not.

Initiate contact.

Respond.

Flirt.

Exchange numbers.

Open the phone, navigate to the number.

Write text.

Send text.

Begin forming relationship.

Imagine having sex.

Talk about having sex.

Plan where it could happen.

Think of lies to tell spouse.

Figure out how to cover your tracks.

Get ready, get dressed, get in car.

Go to the meetup spot.

Take clothes off.

Etc etc etc.

Thinking of it this way makes it so obvious this is not some mistake. It's conscious and calculated.

And as badly as I want to (because we have a life and kids and house together), I just can't get to a place where I feel good about continuing in a relationship where someone could do that to me.

20 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Just told our kids, feeling overwhelmed

I found out about my husband's near-decade long affair (and dating sites, and other EA's) almost 8 months ago now. At first I wanted him out immediately, but then I let him stay because I was just in such shock and could barely function. I wanted to badly for this to somehow not be true, for there to be some way to rationalize it or fix it because I didn't want to put my kids through the pain I knew would come with them finding out and us separating.

But I feel like I'm living a lie, and I can't continue. I told him I want to separate for 3 months to start out, and see how I feel after that and see if he does any meaningful self-work.

We told our kids yesterday and they're just so sad, and I'm heartbroken for them. I worked so hard all these years to grow as a person, be the best mom I can be, and not pass on my family dysfunction to my kids. I'm devastated that my husband was doing the exact opposite in secret all this time.

I never wanted this for them. I can't understand how my husband could do what he did without a single thought to how it would impact our kids, and honestly that feels scary to me. He is not a safe person. I want so badly for him to become one, because I want our kids to have their parents together, but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

Anyway, I'm so sad for my kids and just needed to get this out to people who understand.

6 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Do I have anything to work with here?

Hello everyone. I'm very sorry for the reason we're all here, but happy to have found this forum. This will be long because I'm trying to look at all the info I have to decide what I'm going to do.

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. Our whole marriage (12 years now) he's been very emotionally distant, and I couldn't figure out why. I knew he had severe childhood abandonment issues, and I figured it was that. I honestly thought he'd eventually come around and want to invest in us as a family.

Fast forward to summer of 2018, I told him I could no longer stay in this relationship and I wanted to separate. I'd been trying for years to get through to him, and it wasn't healthy for me.

We have young kids, so we decided to stay living together, but separate rooms. Other than that, we were in a sort of limbo, really disconnected, but not totally separate. Looking back, I wish I'd done things differently (I was still cooking, doing his laundry, etc), but I can't change it now.

February of last year (2020), he told me he was seeing someone at work, and he wanted to move forward with divorce.

Despite where we were in our marriage and being relieved, I was also really hurt. I still held out hope that he'd see what he was doing and start being the husband and dad we needed. He only saw her for about 3 weeks total (I confirmed this with phone records).

After 2 extremely painful weeks from the time he told me, and planning a divorce and all that, we sat down and talked like we never had before. We decided neither of us really wanted to divorce and we'd put our all into making this work.

I told him if this was going to work, we both had to be all in. Total honesty, not holding anything back, etc. He wasn't completely in like I was, but I thought it would take some time since we were in such a bad place in our marriage.

March - October I was trickle-truthed so much. He finally confessed he'd had unprotected sex with this OW. I was furious that he didn't tell me before we resumed sex ourselves. (We both got tested immediately after that)

I kept thinking we just needed to keep talking, this will take time, we'll get through it. He's got to come around to being able to tell me everything because we've been disconnected for so long.

I found out he'd been lying to me that OW hadn't tried contacting him. He'd deleted her texts and never told me, although he didn't respond.

The end of October (just about 3 months ago), I discovered a suspicious text on his phone from a blocked number.

After looking the person up and finding her name, I confronted him. He lied straight to my face even as I sat there with evidence. Told me he didn't know who she was, and then said "Oh, that's a friend from work a long time ago."

I told him that's it, he needs to get out, we are divorcing. End of story. I knew he was lying to me.

After about an hour, he confessed he'd had a PA with this woman back in 2011. Unprotected sex. Never told me. I had no idea I should even worry about being tested for STDs all those years because I truly thought he was faithful.

(I am shaking writing this)

One night in 2011 I thought he was at his mom's, he actually stayed the night with this OW. Left me and our babies at home for this!

After that, he said they never were physical again, but they'd remained "friends" all these years. (I know it wasn't just "friends", and he knows this now too)

They were sexting, talking all day through IM at work, sometimes at night when I thought he was going to bed early for work, etc.

I don't trust that he's telling me the truth about never having met up with her again.

I looked through our phone records and found he hadn't talked to her since the end of Jan 2020. So the whole time we were in "R", he really hadn't been in contact with her, but he also hadn't told me about her either.

He also confessed to having been on dating sites, including Ashley Madison, randomly over the years. He said he never actually met up with any of the women he found.

He also confessed to having pursued another woman at work who texted him nudes of herself, but he says that's as far as that went.

He said there was another woman, back in 2006 before we were married, when he was working at a hotel, who invited him to her room after his shift finished. He went, but he claims nothing happened. Says he knocked on her door and she was dressed to "go out." He left because her friends showed up to go out shortly after he arrived. (This one I find impossible to believe, but he maintains they didn't do anything. I do not believe him. It doesn't make sense.)

After I heard all of this, I was just devastated. All the emotional distance all these years finally made sense. I tried all those years for nothing.

I barely talked to him for weeks. I wanted badly to kick him out, but I didn't. I could just hardly function.

All of 2020 when I thought we were reconciling was complete BS. He was sitting on all these secrets and betrayals.

He didn't respond well in those first couple days after confession, but then he started to change.

He listened to affair healing podcasts, read books (he refused to read marriage books our whole marriage when I'd ask), is still continuing to read more, he got back into counseling and started being honest there, he was telling me what he was learning, listening to me when I talked, accepted full responsibility, etc.

Basically he's doing all the right things now, but I'm so hurt I think it just may be too little too late. I gave him so many chances last year to tell me EVERYTHING. I told him no matter what it is, we needed to put everything on the table so we can heal and move forward. But he just wouldn't.

I've told him this relationship is 100% not good enough for me. In fact, we have no relationship. There is no foundation for us to rebuild from. It's over. Now my question for myself is, am I willing to try again with him?

After all these years, he seems to finally get it and want to put in the work. But am I willing to trust him again. These are things I'm asking myself.

I'm still experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions day by day (sometimes minute by minute). I just cannot believe this is my life. I'm trying to figure out what I want, what my boundaries are. All I know for sure is that I do not want this relationship as it's been all these years.

I'd really like some space, a separation, but with finances and the pandemic, we don't have a good option for that right now.

If you've stuck with me to the end here, thanks for reading. I'm just totally broken here and trying to figure out if I have anything to hang on to. I don't like being in limbo. I feel like I need to make a decision.

43 comments posted: Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211124 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy