I haven't been with anyone else in 20 years

I'm coming up on 1 year since my marriage imploded & I found out my xWH had been cheating on me for a whole decade. And as far back as 15 years ago. Been separated for just over a month now. Things were bad for us for many years before this (he'd been cheating on me the whole time and I didn't know it; now all the bad times make so much sense).

I know it's not advisable to date so soon, but I've been craving a loving, involved partner for so long. Many, many years. I've been doing almost everything by myself all this time, and I just want someone who genuinely wants to do life with me.

But I'm both excited and terrified because I haven't been with anyone except xWH for the last 20 years. I thought he'd only been with me all this time, too, but... obviously not.

I feel so nervous and scared at the thought of being with anyone else sexually. I'm nervous about whether I'll ever trust anyone ever again after this. I'm scared about the possibility that I'll never have the good relationship I've always wanted because of the trauma from this betrayal.

And while I logically know better, there's a small part of me that wishes my xWH would grow & become someone capable of a healthy, honest relationship, and we could get back together. And I only hang onto this a tiny bit because we have kids and I've always wanted to just be a happy family together. I just hate this whole situation so much.

I recognize I'm not in a position to be a great partner to someone else right now, but these are the thoughts swirling around in my mind and I wanted to get them out.

7 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Feeling sad tonight

It's been a week and a half since my xWH moved out. Because of family-of-origin issues, I no longer talk to any of my family, and my WH was the last person in my life who I've known for a long time. We met as teenagers. He knows everything about my life, my family, etc. We share so many memories together. I've known him for more of my life than I haven't known him.
I have nobody who knows anything about me anymore. I'm just feeling really sad about this realization and need to get it out.

I know it will get better eventually and that I'm better off, so I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that. I just need to sit with my grief right now with others who understand. Thanks for listening.

8 comments posted: Sunday, August 29th, 2021

Just told our kids, feeling overwhelmed

I found out about my husband's near-decade long affair (and dating sites, and other EA's) almost 8 months ago now. At first I wanted him out immediately, but then I let him stay because I was just in such shock and could barely function. I wanted to badly for this to somehow not be true, for there to be some way to rationalize it or fix it because I didn't want to put my kids through the pain I knew would come with them finding out and us separating.

But I feel like I'm living a lie, and I can't continue. I told him I want to separate for 3 months to start out, and see how I feel after that and see if he does any meaningful self-work.

We told our kids yesterday and they're just so sad, and I'm heartbroken for them. I worked so hard all these years to grow as a person, be the best mom I can be, and not pass on my family dysfunction to my kids. I'm devastated that my husband was doing the exact opposite in secret all this time.

I never wanted this for them. I can't understand how my husband could do what he did without a single thought to how it would impact our kids, and honestly that feels scary to me. He is not a safe person. I want so badly for him to become one, because I want our kids to have their parents together, but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

Anyway, I'm so sad for my kids and just needed to get this out to people who understand.

6 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021