Looking for hope
I'm posting to see if anyone has a similar sorry to mine with a good ending. I need some hope. This will be long.
Too many D-Day's. First was porn in 2007, then an online sex forum in 2008, then in 2009 before we got married, caught him talking to someone, said he would stop caught him a second time and broke up with him. We were broken up two weeks, got back together, I talked to the AP, she said they slept together, he denied. We married in Sep 2010, early 2011, caught him talking to 3-4 women from work, stopped quickly. Was told by someone that worked there about 8 months later that he tried to kiss one and she turned him down as he was married. Over the next year's until present always caught him watching porn, with the promise to stop. Jan 2021 found him talking to another woman, June 2021 found out from her it was a PA. They both lied to me for months. Dec 2021 during our EMS weekend got some more trickle truth, things he had been blatantly lying about. Feb 2022 I tell him I'm ready for a poly, two weeks ago, the night before the poly got more disclosure, details of his last affair, admitting he slept with the one from 2009, admitting to trying to kiss the one from 2011, and a whole other woman he worked with five years ago that he chatted with on Snapchat briefly, and him creating an account on a porn site but claims it wasn't to talk to anyone. Says everything is out, there is nothing else.
When I first told him about the I was ready for the polygraph. He asked what my plan was after if he failed. I told him that my head is telling me that I would have to walk away. But that I would give him a chance for further disclosure and another polygraph. Well, the night before the polygraph when he gave me the rest of the disclosure he told me that if he failed he wasn't going to take another one. He doesn't believe in them. He doesn't think they work.
He fails the polygraph. I told him I needed some time to think. After a couple of days. I told him I wanted a separation but that I would be here for him when he was ready to fight. What clearly is a sex/porn addiction. The days before the polygraph and the day I finally told him I wanted to separation was when I really got emotion from him, lots of crying etc. Etc. When I told him I wanted the separation he somehow sucked me back in and told me he would do whatever he had to do. He has already done hope for healing and finish that at the beginning of February and he was seeing Wayne from affairy recovery. He was lying to his group members and he was lying to his counselor that he was still lying to me about things and withholding things from me. He was never honest with any of them. He doesn't think he is a sex addict but he says he will explore it but I believe he is coming around to the idea it may be true. I told him that he is responsible for finding his own CSAT and 12-step group and that I will no longer be a part of any of that. Since that time 2 weeks ago, he has really only listened to podcasts about sex addiction. He does a little bit each day. The other day he looked for 12-step groups and a counselor but has yet to reach out to any of them. He knows my patience is thin right now.
I believe the polygraph and I believe that there is more. My hope is that when he finds a CSAT and starts recovery he will finally be able to come clean with everything and then be willing to do another poly.
Anyways, I'm wondering if anybody else has had a situation kind of similar where after they started recovery they finally gave full disclosure? Because as of right now I feel stuck. I feel like if there isn't more and I don't get a polygraph that he passes then I will never be able to move forward.
So sorry this was so long and thank you for getting this far and any input you have.
14 comments posted: Thursday, March 17th, 2022
I messed up.
I looked at the adultery subreddit. That was a mistake. Mistake. How can there be people like this? How can they even write it out on paper and then look themselves in the mirror?
Also, I was wondering if they were any betrayed spouses that have reconciled that would be willing to reach out to me. I have a few questions about how I'm feeling and if it ever goes away. Thanks in advance to anybody willing.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, January 26th, 2022
Here I am.
Here I am, exactly one year out from when my husband first kissed his AP and tried to sleep with her. I drove there earlier to the place they met during this time. I sat there in my car for the 40 minutes that they were there together last year. And I'm just so angry. It's been a little over 11 months since D-Day and a little over 6 months since finding out it was physical. I don't want to see his face today but I can't punish my kids.
I'm just so mad that he has put me in this position and has stolen joy of wanting to be here with my kids to celebrate the new year.
He's finally on the right path and doing all the right things for the last few weeks but sometimes it feels like it's just too late.
How does one come back from all of this? All of the trickle truthing the selfish things he would say until he got to this point. I hope it's not too late.
8 comments posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021
Is this normal?
We are almost 11 months from D-Day 1, and at 6 months from D-Day 2 because of all the TT. Anyway he had not been doing the work, causing more damage than necessary.. being stuck in that WW mindset and not getting it.
Anyway, over the last few weeks I have finally started seeing all of the changes, and he "gets it" now.
My worry is has too much damage been done to me to come back from? Is it too late?
I'm scared and I'm confused, wondering if I have fallen out of love with him because of all the extra damage he caused and the continued lies.
Also, 3 days ago marked the one year anniversary of when his affair started so I'm not sure if I'm having these confusing feelings because it's the first affair season and I have alot of dates coming up that will be super triggering and stressful.. like first hang out, fist kiss, first time they slept together, ect so because of all this I have been feeling extra shitty.
Not sure if what I am feeling is real because of all the other emotions and the time I'm in or what.. it's all so confusing.
Anyway, did anyone else experience falling out of love or what they thought was that only to find that love again by them doing the work and becoming a better person and essentially winning you back?
5 comments posted: Sunday, December 19th, 2021
I am looking for advice from people who had been in the reconciliation process or thought that they were only to have their wayward spouse cheat again. I'd have to say that's my biggest fear. Putting in all this work only for the same thing to happen. What I'm asking I think is if you were in that boat where it happened again was it because they weren't doing the work? Or were they just somebody who faked the work? I don't know and there may not be an answer but I was just wondering if there might be a trend so I thought I would ask people who have been in the situation for their input.
5 comments posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021
Maybe I'M not Reconciliation Material
I am still so damn angry. Maybe I am not Reconsiliation Material as a BS. Is that a thing?
I can't seem to let go of my anger. I still think he is lying about a few questions and there is no way to prove he is telling the truth. And I am not sure I can get past that.
This brings on all the intense anger I have. I'm tired of being hurt and angry.
23 comments posted: Monday, November 1st, 2021
Anyone else struggle with wanting your WH to hurt the way you do and say things to hurt them? I have a bad habit of doing this. Saying things I know will hurt him or make him mad.
Sometimes I just get so mad during a conversation and I just blurt it out. Sometimes it's almost like a reflex I can't control. But I don't know how to stop.
12 comments posted: Saturday, October 30th, 2021
I'd like some input from anybody who has gone through the process of a polygraph with their WS. How many questions were allowed? What were some of the questions you had?
5 comments posted: Friday, October 22nd, 2021
Need input from WS'S
I will of course also accept any input from the BSs. But I would really like to hear from the WS as well since they have been in my WS's shoes. We had a conversation the other night where and more or less words he said he was past this. And then kind of reworded it as he's way further in healing than I am. Which I expect to be completely normal. But the thing is he hasn't really done much of the work yet. He recently started individual counseling and has been twice. And he started the 17 week group program they have on affair recovery and has has one session so far but doesn't think he needs to be there.
So my guess is he hasn't really put himself on trial yet. He has admitted that he hasn't been fully remorseful and empathetic due to his resentment for things prior in our marriage. Which I put up with for a little bit of time and then finally told him that if he isn't there and can't get there then we can't move forward and that I was done. So he said he would, to which I replied that he can't force those things and he just said that he would... Which I knew as much as he said it he still couldn't force it.
I'm still not seeing much empathy or remorse from him. He says he's not heartbroken for himself that he is heartbroken for me and what he did to me but I honestly just feel like he doesn't think it's really that big of a deal. And at this point I'm just not sure what it would take for him to finally get it. It's been 4 months since I found out it was physical. So I realized it hasn't been that long and I realize after reading here for a little bit of time now that it has taken some WS's a year or longer to finally get it.
My question, is was there something specific, something you read, something you saw, that really helped you get it? We plan to do the EMS weekend that affair recovery offers as well but I'm kinda to the point I don't wanna spend the 3k to do it if he doesn't even seem like he wants to get it. I have emailed them and asked them if it does help them finally get it and they said that it does most of the time. I don't know I'm just kind of lost here. Thanks for any input you have.
15 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
I feel like an empty vessel. I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. It's been one week since I found out it actually was physical. But it's been almost 5 months since I found out he was talking to her. I finally pissed her off enough to get her to reveal the truth because he never would.
Of course after I got the truth from her he fessed up. She gave me lots of details he gave me some I'm know are lies. I'm not sure if she was lying because she still has hope I'll leave him and she'll get him or what? Some things I know for sure that aren't true is she said they were sleeping together for only the last 3 weeks of the 47 day affair. But I know the exact days they hung out, and it was only the last week. Then there's her telling me that he would stay at her house until she had to leave for work. But I have camera proof of what time he was getting home. And then as soon as he got home there was text proof that he text her. Then there's her telling me that he told her he was going to leave me. And that he was developing feelings for her. He says neither of those are true. He said she never mentioned developing feelings for him either.
Would it be a good idea to make him take me to the place they first had sex? And give me an entire rundown of how it went? I guess you could say I'm pain shopping? It's just these last few days of feeling nothing at all I don't know what to think or do.
When it all first came out he was refusing counseling. But when the truth finally came out about it being physical I told him it was non-negotiable. He has agreed and he has done a complete 180 on how he was treating me, I can see that he is actually very sorry now and he's very nice when it comes to my questions. He has even cred a few times which he never did. He was just angry all the time. I'm guessing it was because he was still living with a huge lie so he was angry all the time? But I wonder if since I know it was physical he thinks the other small details don't matter. But I think that they do.
I don't know what to believe anymore. He says it was still just a friendship to him but how do you sleep with someone who's just a friend? I know he's been in a really dark place and we've been struggling in our marriage for a long time. Him not feeling wanted or heard. And don't get me wrong he's came to me with these concerns and I would just try and fix it for a little bit and then return back to the same way. But I also had my own issues in the marriage that he too would never fix. The differences is I never cheated. I guess you could say in my mind I just figured we would be this way and eventually would get better when we didn't have young kids in the house because everybody knows they take a lot of time. I've learned that I should have put my marriage first before the kids. They need to have a good foundation.
So I guess maybe he just used her and told her what she wanted to hear? But why can't he tell me? He told me he made it clear to her from the start that it was just a friendship and that when she told him feelings would develop that she needed to tell him.
Was he actually that blind? Could he actually not see she was developing feelings? She admitted to me that she was trying to protect him in the beginning and that's why I think she developed strong feelings. Because I think in her mind she was hoping I would kick him out and then she could have him.
When that didn't happen she got angry and I added her on Snapchat and would post things knowing eventually I would piss her off enough to spill the truth... and it worked.
He gave her a t-shirt of his that she asked for, I'm guessing so she could have something when they couldn't be together. Because she knew he was married and that they couldn't spend a whole lot of time together. He says he gave it to her because she was just a friend. My husband also wears lots of rings and he has a bunch in his car that he doesn't wear anymore because of work and he gave her one of those too. But again was he so blind to not realize that she had feelings for him? Why else would she want a shirt of his?
Also is it a good idea to meet up with her to get the shirt from her? She offered to do that I'm just not sure how I will feel seeing her in person. I don't want those things and I plan on trashing them but I don't want her to have them either. Maybe now that I'm numb would be a good time because I don't really feel anything at all. And not feeling anything at all has been scary.
She did confirm that he did go NC after original D-Day. So that's reassuring. But I also found out that she left a couple of things on his car while he was at work but she did confirm he never left anything on hers.
Again that's all reassuring that he was able to just go completely NC as soon as I found out? Do you think that means what he says it means? That it didn't mean anything at all to him. Just that he liked the attention she was giving because he wasn't getting it at home He felt his own wife didn't want him?
The hardest struggle for me is the fact that I had so much trust in him, despite our struggles in our marriage I never for a second thought he could cheat on me. I would have put that on my kids lives. And now I look at him and he almost looks like a stranger.
A little more backstory, he has accused me of cheating our entire marriage. He hasn't trusted me since he found me messaging a guy that lived in another country, and I wouldn't show him the messages. Mostly out of stubbornness because it was all innocent. Just talking about our cultures and whatnot.
Looking back now I know I should have just been upfront and honest with him. So he's not using this stuff as an excuse because he says what he did is unexcusable but what he is doing is saying he knows what I'm going through. There are a couple other things that he came across that made him think I was cheating. Like once about a year into our relationship my niece said some guy came over, she was three at the time. And he says I've always said kids don't lie typically when they see something they say something and don't just fester something up. Which I believe to be mostly true however, it could have been one of my dad's friends, it could have been one of my brother's friends, it could have been her mom's friend..
Then there's this one that's still baffles me. He was outside with our neighbors one day, their kids were doing a lemonade stand. A truck pulled up and the little neighbor girl who was around three or four asked my son who was the same age if that was his second daddy... And then apparently my son named him. I don't know if he misunderstood what they were saying or what My mind is just blown over this.
Then there's the more recent one. It was in December I came home from a trip with my mother-in-law and before I could even get in the door he's grilling me about this porn video he found that he swears is me. No matter what I have said he hasn't believed it. It was about 2 weeks after this that he started talking to this woman. He says it wasn't revenge or out of anger.. But how can it not be? First of all I'm not stupid enough to cheat, second of all if I was I wouldn't be letting anybody record it and I definitely wouldn't bring someone to my home. Lastly, what are the odds that he would stumble across a video of me that he thinks was from years ago? On a random porn site? I told him that I wished it was me in that video so that I would at least deserve this pain that I'm going through. And then honestly it maybe wouldn't hurt so much because I deserved it. Says what's more fishy is that after he confronted me about it it was taken down even though it had been posted for about a year. Which I guess that does look a little sketchy, but I know I never cheated.
I'm at a loss of what to do here because I feel like we can never move forward as long as he thinks these are me. And keep saying he knows what I'm going through.
Sorry it's super long, anyways any advice would be helpful.
11 comments posted: Friday, June 25th, 2021
Will this feeling ever go away?
Not sure if any of you guys seen my last post. I have only gotten trickle truth since D-Day almost 5 months ago. 2 days ago the truth finally came out. I finally made OW mad enough to tell me the truth. I had all the proof and he couldn't deny it anymore. But I made him tell me from his mouth. I'm so sick to my stomach. They didn't use protection and she told me it was because she had a complete hysterectomy. She sounds like an idiot that condoms don't only just prevent pregnancy. He told her that I was cheating on him and that he'd never cheated on me. She told me that he told her in the beginning that he was going to leave me. But when he finally ended it when I found out he told her he was going to work it out for the kids. He's claiming he told her that in the beginning that he wasn't going to leave me because I was his family. He said he never told her he was going to leave me. They had a 47-day "friendship". They had only been sleeping together a little over a week before I found out that he was talking to her. And I'm mad at myself because I had an inkling like a week before but I didn't look into it until about 5 days later. I'm mad at myself for not looking into it then and preventing them from sleeping together more times. I'm more her over the fact that he could do this to me. Not even that they slept together. If that makes sense. Because I never thought my wildest dreams that he would do something like this to me. Our marriage was in a rough spot, I know why it happened. But in my mind I wasn't working on the issues in our marriage because I just figured we'd get through them eventually even though it had been going on for a few years. I just thought with the kids it was really hard and after they were grown up and moved out it would get better. I know that's stupid. But I hadn't had a sex drive in 9 years so we didn't have a lot of sex. And he felt rejected a lot. And if he would come to me with any issues that he was having I would invalidate his feelings and I would just brush him off and I would just brush everything under the rug. And so this woman fell into his lap giving him the attention and things that I wasn't. And he's acknowledged that doesn't make it okay and I know it doesn't make it my fault. I'm just scared I'm never going to be able to look at him the same way. Before everything was out he was 100% against therapy. But when I found out all of it I told him therapy is non-negotiable and he has agreed to go. He still calls her just a friend, he said it was only sex and there were no feelings involved. And he was only thinking about himself and how the attention she was giving him made him feel. Here's where things get complicated, he does think I cheated on him. He found a porn video that he swear as me from some website. He's always accused me of doing things. And he still thinks this video is me. And he says nothing I say can convince him that it's not me. So that's still a really big struggle. I will say by the end of our long conversation on the day I finally got all of the truth I eventually did see that he was remorseful. The rest of the time I didn't see any remorse I didn't see any emotions nothing. But we did lots of crying together the other day so that was kind of helpful but now I'm just scared. I'm just scared I'll never be able to look at him again I'm scared I'll never be able to trust him again I'm scared I'll never want to be intimate with him again. And he's fully understanding of those things. His stories that day were even different than before. The many breakdowns that I had he was there for me anyway that I would let him be. I'm sorry this is all over the place but I'm looking to hear from people who have reconciled and things got better. I'm looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. It just sucks because when I asked him how he could do that and come home and look me in the eye he just would say well how did you do it? In December we gotten a really big fight and he wasn't talking to me for two weeks straight I wasn't even exactly sure why he stopped talking to me because he never voiced why he was mad and I got scared I was going to lose him so I went to the doctor got something for my sex drive my sex drive was a lot better we were actually having more sex in January and I thought things were going good that's why this was so hard because I found out on January 28th that he was talking to her. Please any insight that there can be a light at the end of this tunnel. I need some hope.
12 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021