I am struggling hard. I am struggling between wanting my relationship to work and realizing I may never feel the same way about him.
I need some honest feedback. The passionate love I had for him is gone. Can It come back ? Did It come back for you? I think that is what has me most depressed. Is that I don't love him the way that I used to. And I'm scared that I never will. But I'm also yearning for that passionate loving feeling again.
I guess I'm looking for some positive reconciliations. Looking to see if anybody had that passionate, loving love come back.
For some context, I am 2 years and 4 months past original D-Day, and 14 months past the final D-day. I'm still so angry, and sometimes I find myself not caring if he's ever happy again, not believing he deserves it. Sometimes I find myself being fine with putting him through hell just to stay with me. Because I live in a hell every day. And that's only fair right? I know all of this is wrong, I do but I just don't care most of the time. This has really fucked me up. I hate who this has turned me into. I am drowning.
5 comments posted: Friday, May 26th, 2023
Do things ever come back?
How long did it take you to not be repulsed by sex? Anything sexual in nature be it in books, movies, social media just repulses me.
How long did it take to stop constantly thinking about them having sex? Stop being so angry about it?
I just feel so stuck.
12 comments posted: Friday, March 17th, 2023
I'm so confused by what I want. D-Day was 1/28/21, last D-Day was 3/2022. I want this work out. He is doing all the things I have asked. However his insecurities have only gotten worse. He would occasionally through out our entire marriage accuse me of cheating. Even thought some porn videos he came across were me in them. I can't even make this crap up. Anyway since he has been caught it has been so bad. They are not outright accusations but he just makes these comments insinuating he thinks I'm doing something. There are times he will spend hours going through my phone while I sleep. I did put a stop to this though as he has struggled with porn on top of everything else so I told him I'm not comfortable with this as he could access it on my phone.
Anyway I'm beginning to think I'm not reconciliation material, that may be this was a deal breaker. I don't think I can ever reconcile with the fact that he slept with another woman. I'm still so angry. At times I feel like I don't even love him anymore. But I am unsure.
A huge part of me just wants to deal with it because I'm not letting his stupid choices take my kids from me 50% of the time. And maybe by some miracle him doing the work will win me over again.
I just don't think I want to be with someone who could do this to me. I still picture them together all day long. It's constant. How can I accept that he did this to me. Traumatized me, hurt me so bad with something that will never go away? How will I look at him the same? How will I ever not look at him and feel disgust, and anger?
The little things that used to bother me send me to 100 now. I can't tolerate him. I'm easily annoyed by him when we have small talk. If we fight about something non affair related I still manage to work that in and throw it in his face anyway. I think that may be because I still don't feel safe. I feel like it's perhaps a slap in the face after what he did that he have any complaints. I know that's not the right path to reconciliation but I'm just not ready to address what he thinks are problems considering I don't even know if I can't accept what he did.
I know none of this is fair to him, but what he did wasn't fair either. He recently said he wanted to be wanted and desired too, and all I could think was "Cool, buddy, if you wanted to be wanted and desired by me you would have never cheated. You lost that from me. Oh well. Get over it."
I don't feel like I'll ever let him live this down. Again, I know it's not fair but I don't care if I make the rest of his life just as miserable as he has made mine.
Anyone relate? Or felt this way at one point and it got better? I honestly hope for that, just unsure I'll ever be able to accept this crap.
9 comments posted: Sunday, November 13th, 2022
Looking for hope..
Wanting to hear positive reconciliation stories. We're reconciling and he is doing the work, I am doing my work of healing but I just feel like I will never accept this. I'll never be able to let him live this down and I'll always hold it over his head. I'll always think of his betrayals daily and be angry and hurt and unable to heal. I'll never care about how he feels about things. Does this mean maybe reconciliation isn't for me? That I can't do it? That is was my deal breaker?
Anyway wondering if anyone else felt these things in the beginning and can now say they are truly happy with their marriage? I'd like to note last d-day which were more details regarding his affair that he lied about was early March. I just feel like I could explode with all the anger I have.
15 comments posted: Tuesday, June 21st, 2022
Looking for hope
I'm posting to see if anyone has a similar sorry to mine with a good ending. I need some hope. This will be long.
Too many D-Day's. First was porn in 2007, then an online sex forum in 2008, then in 2009 before we got married, caught him talking to someone, said he would stop caught him a second time and broke up with him. We were broken up two weeks, got back together, I talked to the AP, she said they slept together, he denied. We married in Sep 2010, early 2011, caught him talking to 3-4 women from work, stopped quickly. Was told by someone that worked there about 8 months later that he tried to kiss one and she turned him down as he was married. Over the next year's until present always caught him watching porn, with the promise to stop. Jan 2021 found him talking to another woman, June 2021 found out from her it was a PA. They both lied to me for months. Dec 2021 during our EMS weekend got some more trickle truth, things he had been blatantly lying about. Feb 2022 I tell him I'm ready for a poly, two weeks ago, the night before the poly got more disclosure, details of his last affair, admitting he slept with the one from 2009, admitting to trying to kiss the one from 2011, and a whole other woman he worked with five years ago that he chatted with on Snapchat briefly, and him creating an account on a porn site but claims it wasn't to talk to anyone. Says everything is out, there is nothing else.
When I first told him about the I was ready for the polygraph. He asked what my plan was after if he failed. I told him that my head is telling me that I would have to walk away. But that I would give him a chance for further disclosure and another polygraph. Well, the night before the polygraph when he gave me the rest of the disclosure he told me that if he failed he wasn't going to take another one. He doesn't believe in them. He doesn't think they work.
He fails the polygraph. I told him I needed some time to think. After a couple of days. I told him I wanted a separation but that I would be here for him when he was ready to fight. What clearly is a sex/porn addiction. The days before the polygraph and the day I finally told him I wanted to separation was when I really got emotion from him, lots of crying etc. Etc. When I told him I wanted the separation he somehow sucked me back in and told me he would do whatever he had to do. He has already done hope for healing and finish that at the beginning of February and he was seeing Wayne from affairy recovery. He was lying to his group members and he was lying to his counselor that he was still lying to me about things and withholding things from me. He was never honest with any of them. He doesn't think he is a sex addict but he says he will explore it but I believe he is coming around to the idea it may be true. I told him that he is responsible for finding his own CSAT and 12-step group and that I will no longer be a part of any of that. Since that time 2 weeks ago, he has really only listened to podcasts about sex addiction. He does a little bit each day. The other day he looked for 12-step groups and a counselor but has yet to reach out to any of them. He knows my patience is thin right now.
I believe the polygraph and I believe that there is more. My hope is that when he finds a CSAT and starts recovery he will finally be able to come clean with everything and then be willing to do another poly.
Anyways, I'm wondering if anybody else has had a situation kind of similar where after they started recovery they finally gave full disclosure? Because as of right now I feel stuck. I feel like if there isn't more and I don't get a polygraph that he passes then I will never be able to move forward.
So sorry this was so long and thank you for getting this far and any input you have.
14 comments posted: Thursday, March 17th, 2022