How did you know you were done?
Looking advice from people who didn't reconcile and knew when they were done? I don't know if I'm just going deeper into depression but all of a sudden over the last week or so I'm not sure anymore. The biggest thing is I still think he is lying about some details of his affair and he can't convince me otherwise. Things just don't add up. Cheating has always been a deal-breaker for me and of course now that I'm here I'm not sure that it is? My father cheated on my mother their entire marriage before they finally separated after 20 years of his crap. I seen what that did to my mom and I don't want to be her, she is bitter and negative all the time and never got help to deal with her pain. I swore to myself I would never marry somebody like my father. I just wish he could see that him being honest is going to be way more helpful than it will be painful. And he doesn't see that or he refuses to. I'm just really struggling and I'm crying all the time again. I know no nobody can answer that for me what I'm really asking is what made you know it was time to end things? I am in IC and a group for betreyed spouses. The group has only just started and we've only had one group session.
36 comments posted: Monday, October 4th, 2021
Tell me everything I need to know about the necessity or benefits from getting a timeline from WS. I guess I don't exactly understand the reasoning for it?
17 comments posted: Sunday, September 26th, 2021
Idk how to get past all the things WH lied about in the beginning. How will I ever believe if WH is telling the truth? Is it something I just have to get over not because there is no way I will ever know? Just trial and see if it's something I can live with? I specifically talking about things in regards to the affair and things I cannot prove are a truth or a lie.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021
I want to stop them but at the same time I am just trying to make sense of everything. Wrap my mind around it all. But it puts me in a dark place. What are some things you guys use to stop your intrusive thoughts?
5 comments posted: Monday, September 20th, 2021
I feel like I'm on the verger of a freak out. Our anniversary is tomorrow and the anxiety is back full force. I just wanna run away from it all. I'm just struggling so bad right now. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even believe this is my life right now. And I beginning to think I'll never get past this. I'm just sick to my stomach.
I can't figure out how I was so stupid to think my marriage was safe from infidelity. I just knew my love loving husband would never do this. Ever. But here we are. I hate the world. I hate everything.
I guess I just need some reassurance. Thank you for reading.
7 comments posted: Friday, September 17th, 2021
Trying to R but we're stuck. Yesterday we discovered my WH resentment towards me is hindering his being truly remorseful. After this discovery in our conversation I did some research. I specifically found a few videos on Affair Recovery's YouTube. So apparently this is a thing. But we don't know where to go from here. It's like, I can't treat him differently if he isn't treating me differently and vice versa, and I can't give him what he needs if he can't give me what I need, and vice versa on that as well. Anyone been through this and have advice on how to navigate through this so we can get unstuck and move forward?
Adding an edit so I don't have to repeat it multiple times. He is not using his resentment to blame for the affair. He has said countless times it was his fault and I am in no way to blame. But here's the thing, our marriage like lots of marriages fell into a rut. We both had resentment towards each other before the affair. And unfortunately those things don't just disappear for him or me because the affair happened. That's what I'm referring to. Again, I have watched a video from very well known infidelity experts after mine and my husband's conversation yesterday when we discovered his resentment towards me, or I guess we acknowledged our resentment towards each other, anyway this truly is a thing. When they have resentment towards their spouse it is hard for them to be truly remorseful and do the things they need to do for the betrayed spouse. Ask her the video he needs to work through that resentment and work on forgiveness. I just wanted to know if anybody else that was trying to reconcile has been through this.
9 comments posted: Thursday, September 2nd, 2021
Accusations of Cheating
Did any betrayed spouse go through their spouse thinking they were going to have a revenge affair? And wayward spouses Did you ever go through thinking your spouse was going to have a revenge affair? I think my husband is starting to have these accusations. Not so bluntly saying them but he's asking me questions that's hinting to that's why he's thinking. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I feel so completely lost and like we will never be able to start reconciliation. I don't know why he can't see that I'm not like him. I would leave the relationship before ever even thing of cheating.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
Details of the Affair
How much details did you want? And if you were someone that wanted every little detail do you think that it helped you? Or made things worse? I'm in the mind that I want to know everything no matter how bad it may be.
41 comments posted: Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
When they aren't doing enough.
I find myself emotionally detaching myself from my husband. He's an individual counseling and he's always willing to talk whenever I want to without being defensive. The problem is I feel like he should be doing more. It's been about 5 weeks since I found out the rest of the truth that it was actually a physical affair. I know I'm supposed to be patient and I've read lots of waywards talk about how it's taken them months to get to a point of realizing the gravity of what they had done and to really show that remorse. I'm guessing maybe it's a defense mechanism to protect myself the way I'm emotionally disconnecting myself? But I'm scared that I will go too far with that disconnection and not want to stay in the marriage or work it out. I'm constantly reading or listening to something about how to heal from affairs and reconcile on top of doing my own individual counseling. He isn't doing those things like I feel like he should. I know the standard is to take control of your own healing and back off of theirs but that's been really hard. I've even told him simple things that I need from him, like ask me how I'm doing everyday and he's not doing that. He does it on occasion but not every day like I've asked him to. He's also really struggling to show any emotion which I know is hard and he can't do overnight because neither of us have really dealt well with emotions our entire marriage. But I've told him how important it is to my healing to see his remorse and emotions when it comes to what he did. I don't know exactly what advice I'm looking for. Just words of home. The shit is so hard, I just wanna run away.
6 comments posted: Friday, July 30th, 2021
How do you ever believe anything they say again? I just feel like everything is a lie and it sucks. I wanna believe what he says but like how can I?
19 comments posted: Friday, July 23rd, 2021
I am struggling so bad right now. I cannot see a light at end of this tunnel. He is doing alot of things right. Going to IC and being supportive and answering any questions I have. My anxiety is terrible. It doesn't feel like this is something I will ever get past. I don't look at him the same anymore. My whole life feels like a lie. I'm am physically not okay, everything hurts. I think I am just looking for words of encouragement, that this does get better. It's been four weeks since I found out it was physical, almost six months since I first found out about her.
7 comments posted: Sunday, July 18th, 2021
Surviving An Affair
I've started reading this book called surviving an affair. It kind of baffles me though because it says you should tell any children over the age of seven about the affair. It also says you should tell all friends and family members which I find to be a little bit odd. Especially telling children. What are your guys's thoughts?
14 comments posted: Wednesday, July 14th, 2021
How to I find a way to stop asking questions I know I may not be able to handle the answers to? Like the small details?
10 comments posted: Sunday, July 11th, 2021
Looking for Hope
I'm looking for good stories of reconsiliation. Are you happy now? How long has it been? Do you fully trust your WS now? It's so hard right now to envision happiness or having trust again. It's terrifying.
6 comments posted: Sunday, July 11th, 2021
This is a question mostly for the betrayed spouses. How did you come to terms with never really getting to know the why or the how? I feel like no why is ever going to be good enough. There is nothing that can make this ok. I'm having a hard time having to accept that I'll never fully understand the why or the how. Can it actually not have meant anything? I'm having a hard time understanding that considering the waywards put so much effort into it and into hiding it.
[This message edited by Felix12306 at 7:14 PM, July 9th (Friday)]
37 comments posted: Friday, July 9th, 2021
How do I let go of not telling AP off? I know I need to stop contact. But it's not fair that she played a huge part in ruining my life and gets to walk away. She played a huge part in potentially ruining my kids lives. And gets to walk away. Idk why I cannot for the life of stop wanting to give her a piece of my mind.
16 comments posted: Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
How can I get him to understand that he needs to figure out his why's? How can I better explain it. He says it's because he was feeling unloved, and his wife didn't want anything to do with him. He isn't using that as excuses he has acknowledged how bad that decision was. But he doesn't want to dig deeper to find out why he was able to do this. He has ran from his emotions and problems by trying to deal on his own, or I guess not deal. He is a good man that did something bad. I don't know if it's just a lost cause for me to try and get him to understand and that's something he has to do on his own or what? It's just so hard to be in this place.
9 comments posted: Saturday, July 3rd, 2021
Is this normal?
So back in January when I initially found out about the affair, at the time was only told it was emotional. It's been one day shy of two weeks since I found out it was physical. Anyways when I initially found out he was getting angry with my questions everyday and eventually said he wasn't sure if this is what he wanted. I begged him to give us another shot. Still to this day I feel like such an idiot. Why was I begging him to stay when he was the one that had an affair? Why was I so afraid to lose him when he clearly wasn't afraid to lose me?
Shortly after that he has said he does want this and me and wants to work for it. However since the truth came out about it being physical he finally agreed to counseling whereas he would not do it before. The only reason he agreed is because I told him it was non-negotiable. We had our first session four days ago. Since getting it scheduled and since going he has said things along the lines of not having time for it. And him not getting to come home and relax because of it. And that he is doing it because I want him to. Not because he wants to. I still don't believe he wants to face what he has done. He doesn't like to face things like this and that's how he was able to cheat on me in the first place, by not dealing with his shit. He likes to brush things under the rug and just try to manage on his own. Which clearly isn't good for him for obvious reasons.
I have found myself through this whole process walking on eggshells as not to make him mad and want to leave me. So not being 100% about how I'm feeling. I'm wondering if now that is a mistake, not making him fully see what this has done to me.
Last night he got mad at me because I told him that I spoke to her yesterday, when she finally told me the truth almost 2 weeks ago we were supposed to meet at some point so I could get a couple of things back that were his. Not that I want them, but I don't want her having them. I plan to just trash them. But she didn't reach out that following week to give it back like she said she would and instead I heard from her yesterday. He got really mad and said that we will never move on because I won't stop talking to her. Instead I feel like he should have just nicely told me that he wishes I wouldn't talk to her because it may hinder my healing.
Something in counseling we talked about is how he deals with everything with anger. I don't think that's normal and something he needs to work on.
I think I'm finally to the point where I'm done walking on eggshells though. But I wonder is it okay to really let them know how you feel even though you know it's going to hurt them?
17 comments posted: Thursday, July 1st, 2021
I feel like an empty vessel. I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. It's been one week since I found out it actually was physical. But it's been almost 5 months since I found out he was talking to her. I finally pissed her off enough to get her to reveal the truth because he never would.
Of course after I got the truth from her he fessed up. She gave me lots of details he gave me some I'm know are lies. I'm not sure if she was lying because she still has hope I'll leave him and she'll get him or what? Some things I know for sure that aren't true is she said they were sleeping together for only the last 3 weeks of the 47 day affair. But I know the exact days they hung out, and it was only the last week. Then there's her telling me that he would stay at her house until she had to leave for work. But I have camera proof of what time he was getting home. And then as soon as he got home there was text proof that he text her. Then there's her telling me that he told her he was going to leave me. And that he was developing feelings for her. He says neither of those are true. He said she never mentioned developing feelings for him either.
Would it be a good idea to make him take me to the place they first had sex? And give me an entire rundown of how it went? I guess you could say I'm pain shopping? It's just these last few days of feeling nothing at all I don't know what to think or do.
When it all first came out he was refusing counseling. But when the truth finally came out about it being physical I told him it was non-negotiable. He has agreed and he has done a complete 180 on how he was treating me, I can see that he is actually very sorry now and he's very nice when it comes to my questions. He has even cred a few times which he never did. He was just angry all the time. I'm guessing it was because he was still living with a huge lie so he was angry all the time? But I wonder if since I know it was physical he thinks the other small details don't matter. But I think that they do.
I don't know what to believe anymore. He says it was still just a friendship to him but how do you sleep with someone who's just a friend? I know he's been in a really dark place and we've been struggling in our marriage for a long time. Him not feeling wanted or heard. And don't get me wrong he's came to me with these concerns and I would just try and fix it for a little bit and then return back to the same way. But I also had my own issues in the marriage that he too would never fix. The differences is I never cheated. I guess you could say in my mind I just figured we would be this way and eventually would get better when we didn't have young kids in the house because everybody knows they take a lot of time. I've learned that I should have put my marriage first before the kids. They need to have a good foundation.
So I guess maybe he just used her and told her what she wanted to hear? But why can't he tell me? He told me he made it clear to her from the start that it was just a friendship and that when she told him feelings would develop that she needed to tell him.
Was he actually that blind? Could he actually not see she was developing feelings? She admitted to me that she was trying to protect him in the beginning and that's why I think she developed strong feelings. Because I think in her mind she was hoping I would kick him out and then she could have him.
When that didn't happen she got angry and I added her on Snapchat and would post things knowing eventually I would piss her off enough to spill the truth... and it worked.
He gave her a t-shirt of his that she asked for, I'm guessing so she could have something when they couldn't be together. Because she knew he was married and that they couldn't spend a whole lot of time together. He says he gave it to her because she was just a friend. My husband also wears lots of rings and he has a bunch in his car that he doesn't wear anymore because of work and he gave her one of those too. But again was he so blind to not realize that she had feelings for him? Why else would she want a shirt of his?
Also is it a good idea to meet up with her to get the shirt from her? She offered to do that I'm just not sure how I will feel seeing her in person. I don't want those things and I plan on trashing them but I don't want her to have them either. Maybe now that I'm numb would be a good time because I don't really feel anything at all. And not feeling anything at all has been scary.
She did confirm that he did go NC after original D-Day. So that's reassuring. But I also found out that she left a couple of things on his car while he was at work but she did confirm he never left anything on hers.
Again that's all reassuring that he was able to just go completely NC as soon as I found out? Do you think that means what he says it means? That it didn't mean anything at all to him. Just that he liked the attention she was giving because he wasn't getting it at home He felt his own wife didn't want him?
The hardest struggle for me is the fact that I had so much trust in him, despite our struggles in our marriage I never for a second thought he could cheat on me. I would have put that on my kids lives. And now I look at him and he almost looks like a stranger.
A little more backstory, he has accused me of cheating our entire marriage. He hasn't trusted me since he found me messaging a guy that lived in another country, and I wouldn't show him the messages. Mostly out of stubbornness because it was all innocent. Just talking about our cultures and whatnot.
Looking back now I know I should have just been upfront and honest with him. So he's not using this stuff as an excuse because he says what he did is unexcusable but what he is doing is saying he knows what I'm going through. There are a couple other things that he came across that made him think I was cheating. Like once about a year into our relationship my niece said some guy came over, she was three at the time. And he says I've always said kids don't lie typically when they see something they say something and don't just fester something up. Which I believe to be mostly true however, it could have been one of my dad's friends, it could have been one of my brother's friends, it could have been her mom's friend..
Then there's this one that's still baffles me. He was outside with our neighbors one day, their kids were doing a lemonade stand. A truck pulled up and the little neighbor girl who was around three or four asked my son who was the same age if that was his second daddy... And then apparently my son named him. I don't know if he misunderstood what they were saying or what My mind is just blown over this.
Then there's the more recent one. It was in December I came home from a trip with my mother-in-law and before I could even get in the door he's grilling me about this porn video he found that he swears is me. No matter what I have said he hasn't believed it. It was about 2 weeks after this that he started talking to this woman. He says it wasn't revenge or out of anger.. But how can it not be? First of all I'm not stupid enough to cheat, second of all if I was I wouldn't be letting anybody record it and I definitely wouldn't bring someone to my home. Lastly, what are the odds that he would stumble across a video of me that he thinks was from years ago? On a random porn site? I told him that I wished it was me in that video so that I would at least deserve this pain that I'm going through. And then honestly it maybe wouldn't hurt so much because I deserved it. Says what's more fishy is that after he confronted me about it it was taken down even though it had been posted for about a year. Which I guess that does look a little sketchy, but I know I never cheated.
I'm at a loss of what to do here because I feel like we can never move forward as long as he thinks these are me. And keep saying he knows what I'm going through.
Sorry it's super long, anyways any advice would be helpful.
11 comments posted: Friday, June 25th, 2021
Will this feeling ever go away?
Not sure if any of you guys seen my last post. I have only gotten trickle truth since D-Day almost 5 months ago. 2 days ago the truth finally came out. I finally made OW mad enough to tell me the truth. I had all the proof and he couldn't deny it anymore. But I made him tell me from his mouth. I'm so sick to my stomach. They didn't use protection and she told me it was because she had a complete hysterectomy. She sounds like an idiot that condoms don't only just prevent pregnancy. He told her that I was cheating on him and that he'd never cheated on me. She told me that he told her in the beginning that he was going to leave me. But when he finally ended it when I found out he told her he was going to work it out for the kids. He's claiming he told her that in the beginning that he wasn't going to leave me because I was his family. He said he never told her he was going to leave me. They had a 47-day "friendship". They had only been sleeping together a little over a week before I found out that he was talking to her. And I'm mad at myself because I had an inkling like a week before but I didn't look into it until about 5 days later. I'm mad at myself for not looking into it then and preventing them from sleeping together more times. I'm more her over the fact that he could do this to me. Not even that they slept together. If that makes sense. Because I never thought my wildest dreams that he would do something like this to me. Our marriage was in a rough spot, I know why it happened. But in my mind I wasn't working on the issues in our marriage because I just figured we'd get through them eventually even though it had been going on for a few years. I just thought with the kids it was really hard and after they were grown up and moved out it would get better. I know that's stupid. But I hadn't had a sex drive in 9 years so we didn't have a lot of sex. And he felt rejected a lot. And if he would come to me with any issues that he was having I would invalidate his feelings and I would just brush him off and I would just brush everything under the rug. And so this woman fell into his lap giving him the attention and things that I wasn't. And he's acknowledged that doesn't make it okay and I know it doesn't make it my fault. I'm just scared I'm never going to be able to look at him the same way. Before everything was out he was 100% against therapy. But when I found out all of it I told him therapy is non-negotiable and he has agreed to go. He still calls her just a friend, he said it was only sex and there were no feelings involved. And he was only thinking about himself and how the attention she was giving him made him feel. Here's where things get complicated, he does think I cheated on him. He found a porn video that he swear as me from some website. He's always accused me of doing things. And he still thinks this video is me. And he says nothing I say can convince him that it's not me. So that's still a really big struggle. I will say by the end of our long conversation on the day I finally got all of the truth I eventually did see that he was remorseful. The rest of the time I didn't see any remorse I didn't see any emotions nothing. But we did lots of crying together the other day so that was kind of helpful but now I'm just scared. I'm just scared I'll never be able to look at him again I'm scared I'll never be able to trust him again I'm scared I'll never want to be intimate with him again. And he's fully understanding of those things. His stories that day were even different than before. The many breakdowns that I had he was there for me anyway that I would let him be. I'm sorry this is all over the place but I'm looking to hear from people who have reconciled and things got better. I'm looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. It just sucks because when I asked him how he could do that and come home and look me in the eye he just would say well how did you do it? In December we gotten a really big fight and he wasn't talking to me for two weeks straight I wasn't even exactly sure why he stopped talking to me because he never voiced why he was mad and I got scared I was going to lose him so I went to the doctor got something for my sex drive my sex drive was a lot better we were actually having more sex in January and I thought things were going good that's why this was so hard because I found out on January 28th that he was talking to her. Please any insight that there can be a light at the end of this tunnel. I need some hope.
12 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021
How to get them to reveal the truth.
My husband will not come completely clean. Until I find the undeniable truth. I don't have undeniable truth that they slept together but feel that they did. They had a 47 day "friendship", "just someone to talk to"... But they hung out six times all for five hours at a time. They both claim is was just listening to music in his truck and talking about life. I don't buy it. Mostly because he denied so much until he couldn't anymore because I had the undeniable truth. Thing is,is that I found songs they sent to each other. All along the lines of sleeping together, and wanting each other ECT.. including "Run to you" by Brian Adams which is literally about cheating on your spouse. Dd was almost four months ago. Him not admitting to it is killing me. Just friends do not talk on the phone and text as much as they did in 47 days. The texting was all day while he was at work with the occasional phone call and in the evenings because I work overnight there would be phone calls that were up to 7 hours long. And then the 6 Hangouts. I'm not stupid.
43 comments posted: Saturday, May 22nd, 2021