I was told by a counsellor just last week, that I have no business being angry at or hating the MOW, because she didn't do anything to me. WTF? She had a LTA with my husband for 9 years, she did everything she could to break us apart, except telling me the truth, she had sex with my WH in my kid's old bed and after D-day, when he broke it off with her, she drove across town to his office to have sex with him, so he would change his mind, all of these because she, i quote "wanted some real passion in her life" but "she didn't do anything to me". I said to the terapist that a decent person just doesn't do any of that to another human being and the answer was, that by these standards, there are very few decent people left in this world. So, you think I am going back to IC with him?
I hate the AP and nothing can change that. I won't act on it, I do not follow her in real life or on social media, but I hate her and if I run into her by chance, I will tell her everything I think about her. And I tell that to my husband as well. It saddens him, when I say she is a bad person, because that also means he is as well, but it is what it is. He must accept what he did and live with it.
It doesn't mean I am less angry at my WH. I know it was his decision and if he had boundaries, nothing she has done would matter. But there is enough anger and hate in me for both of them.
Funny thing is, that even though she wasn't the only one, he had another LTA simultaneously, I don't hate the second one half as much. Maybe I am still in shock and the hate will come later, but now I mostly feel sorry for her for wasting 5 years of her life and first real relationship on him.