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My rage at the other women

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maise ( Member #69516) posted at 4:26 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

****Thinking on a few of these posts about the AP being a mirror and on how we as BS’s shouldn’t have to explain why we rage against them (which I agree we are allowed to feel how we feel and owe no one an explanation). And thinking on whether my insecurities were really all external (they absolutely weren’t in fact, it was the exposure of my deepest emotional insecurity that caused a lot of my rage).****

My insecurities while partially about my body were more than that. The AP was granted access (by my WS/someone I trusted too much with this part of me) to an area deep within me where I felt unlovable no matter what I did or how much of myself I compromised for it. Her very existence in my marriage exposed that profound insecurity. There she was…showing me just how much everything I did for my wayward spouse to love me was not enough. I was (((((unlovable))))) gosh and that message from my childhood rang so true for me for so long that I’d do anything not to have it be so anymore. This was where my own projection came into my romantic relationships. People I was with romantically played to the unlovable part of me - I would grant them access/trust to this space and do anything to prove to myself I could be loved by way of muting myself and compromising myself for their love. If they could love me then I could finally have it and prove that I AM LOVABLE for just being me; body, mind, spirit, all of it.

My rage was palpable, of course it was, this hurt ran deeper than I could fathom. The AP was an intruder to that vulnerable space within me. I would wait outside her house in hopes of running into her to beat her. I did beat her. And there was definitely plenty of that for my WS too. My rage was obsessive toward both of them. I had to dig deeper into myself to get past it. I didn’t owe anyone an explanation for it, that's undeniable. I did however owe it to myself to figure out why it was so intense because I was losing myself to it. My family/friends, etc., judging me for my rage makes me sad to think about because it made things that much harder for me. I was being judged and made to explain why I was responding the way that I was while I was in the most intense hurt I ever felt. I couldn't make sense of it, I didn't have the tools at the time to weed through what I was feeling. What I needed from others was compassion, not judgment. I hate that I experienced that from them. I didn't deserve it.

I do genuinely believe that after all of my work sorting through those parts of me, if I ran into her now I’d be ok enough not to immediately blackout and beat her again. And I definitely don’t rage against my WS anymore. I’m no longer obsessing and I found healing for myself which is much more peaceful.

[This message edited by maise at 6:12 PM, Friday, September 10th]

BW (SSM)
D-Day: 6/9/2018
Status: IHS

posts: 856   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8687938
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Dragonfly123 ( Member #62802) posted at 8:38 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Bottom line you can’t masturbate yourself into an affair and all the ‘introspective’ work in the world will not convince me of the lack of culpability of the AP. I don’t consider this to be anything to do with a ‘mirror of my insecurities’ or whatever. She hurt me, she hurt my kids, she continues to try to cause trouble for my family, despite being engaged to and pregnant by her new partner. I loathe her and would happily dance on her grave.

And simply no one is saying that our spouses were manipulated here, or blaming the AP more. Just NO ONE. I’m so tired of this answer which clearly doesn’t reflect anything, anyone has said here.

Well said Hellfire.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 8:50 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8688047
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maise ( Member #69516) posted at 3:04 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

all the ‘introspective’ work in the world


I don’t consider this to be anything to do with a ‘mirror of my insecurities’ or whatever.


I’m so tired of this answer which clearly doesn’t reflect anything, anyone has said here.

? Who is all this toward?

BW (SSM)
D-Day: 6/9/2018
Status: IHS

posts: 856   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8688063
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Dragonfly123 ( Member #62802) posted at 3:35 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Absolutely not you Maise, I realise you are replying to OIN about your own journey, my reply was not to you.

I have absolute respect for you and the journey you’ve been on and the work you have done.

But I tire of hearing voices on here which imply BS who haven’t worked introspectively, delved into themselves in counselling or just thought HARD enough about their hatred for the AP, are giving their spouse an easier time, or haven’t grown enough/healed enough. You are not one of those.

Sometimes we just dislike people intensely because they hurt us, hurt our children, hurt our families. End of. That is my point.

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8688068
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tealmermaid ( New Member #79075) posted at 8:27 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I have a hard time struggling with this too but then Im also empathetic to a fault and actually pity both my STBXH and the OW.

She is a lot different than me. Uneducated, trashy, has a ton tattoos - now there are tattoos that are works of art and then there are tattoos that clearly look like you got them done in a small hick town when you were a teenager. She has (a tongue and nipple rings) as she posts on social media about lol... and has a toddler with a baby daddy that cheated on her with a stripper. Clearly we come from very different backgrounds. Idk if she thought this was all normal but its not.

I had a feeling she was after my husband when I saw her liking his pics, etc. She was on the prowl for him. And his weak ass gave in. 12 YEARS together down the drain.

After I caught them (in my own home, on a doggy camera - yes I got to hear it!) My STBXH tried to deny at first, while he was wasted sleeping with her in my bed, I have also come to find out he fucked her in our bed the weekend prior (probably many) and didn't even have an ounce of respect to change the sheets, Really deranged if you ask me. The day after I found out though she moved into our new lake house (we bought it in Sep 2020) so I hadn't even experienced a summer there yet. So she got the bakehouse, my STBXH and his $.

I was talking to my therapist about the "in our own home" aspect of cheating. There are a few thoughts I have on this. One - this was clearly a power move by my STBXH - basically him subconsciously or consciously deciding to do her in our bed and home to show its HIS home and not ours. SO disgusting and disrespectful. All cheaters suck but at least take your whore to a motel... My God. The other aspect is another woman coming into my home. I feel like there is a certain kinship among women. Yes, lines get crossed and shitty people cheat, but to walk into another woman's home, see the love & care she puts in, her decor, her dogs, and STILL feel ok fucking her husband in those sheets?? WTF is wrong with you???

Im more mad at the illusion of what she has than what she actually has. What is she winning? A pathological liar who would chose to screw a trashy whore in his wife's bed while she's visiting a friend? A gaslighter? A Manipulator and abuser? I mean really, its SO delusional to me that they think these men are prizes. ESPECIALLY when she has a fucking toddler?? Mine also is an alcoholic and I believe was doing shady business near the end of our marriage. So Im assuming he wanted someone to drink with, fuck, build up his ego and do illegal business without having a honest wife tell him to NOT do those things. Water finds its own level huh? I assume that he will do the same thing to her in time. Especially because he is analytically very intelligent (emotionally braindead clearly) but her body, her inadequacy and clear bad morals will start to get old. She will probably go back to her baby daddy and cheat.

Idk I feel bad for them because they are awful people. Gross, insensitive, delusional people.

Example of delusional - I remember the last time I had to see him to sign our divorce papers. She was BLOWING his phone up about how long he was spending with me, telling him to get home now etc. I even saw one of the texts and it said "This is how you would feel if I was with Josh for a long time" Jose is her baby daddy... so she's equating a 12 year marriage to some 1 year relationship with a loser that got her pregnant on accident?? THAT IS NOT THE SAME.

[This message edited by tealmermaid at 8:38 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2021
id 8688816
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