Grieving the loss of a parent
Sigh. I’ve noticed that I’m a person that isolates and cries alone. I’ve been so conditioned to cater to the emotions of those around me that I hold mine in public, cry for them, and then once alone, maybe cry for how I’m feeling. I don’t really reach out. One of my cousins today said to me, "maise, we are here. Don’t isolate like you usually do ok?" Which completely caught me off guard because I literally noticed just that morning for the first time ever that I isolate.
My dad died yesterday. 11/8/2023. He was 56 years old. Today is his birthday, yesterday was his mom’s birthday, who is alive and well and was with him in his final moments.
My family gathered, my brother didn’t mend the relationship with my dad and so he did not go. My mother checked in on one of my dad’s brothers (my mom hasn’t talked to anyone in that family in more than two decades). She sent me, her daughter, a brief text saying, "I’m so sorry, I know this is hard for you." Before that she told me she would attend the funeral to be there for his family…not to be there for her kids which are his kids, for his family…sigh.
My dad had a very detached relationship with my brother and I. I guess that means to my mother that we shouldn’t care when he dies…
He was never fully absent…my parents were married, he saw us in brief moments, we were connected to everyone in his very large family, I would stay with my aunts and uncles and cousins…he just…he didn’t know how to be closer.
I was very angry at my dad for a really long time. I saw how he affected my mother and my brother and it made me so mad at him. I also remember wishing he was closer to us in his presence. He was always close in proximity but very detached in presence. I used to watch all those family shows as a kid and think, I wish I had a dad that loved and cared about me…that I could hangout with and have a close relationship with.
Anyway, after my experience with my ex’s very very painful infidelity in our marriage - I got myself into therapy and really learned how to not only recover from past traumas and from the affairs and learned how to grow in independence and walk away from my ex, and the marriage…
I also learned how to grow compassion for my dad and to make amends in that relationship. I forgave him for his brokenness and his inability to live up to the expectations I had of him as a father. I learned to meet him right where he was at and to have a peaceful relationship with him there. For the last five years of his life, he and I were at peace in our relationship.
Toward the end of January of this year, my dad was diagnosed with a Glio Blastoma Multiforme. Gosh….how painful it has been to watch him in that journey. How painful it has been to watch the fear in his eyes, the determination to stay in absolute denial about what this meant for him, to watch him in his final days ask me where my brother is…to have my brother not show, to watch him end up exactly where he feared and did not want to be….
My dad’s father ended up bed ridden and in a vegetated state for 9 years after a brain surgery gone wrong when he was 50 years old. Medical malpractice. My dad feared he’d end up in that same way…bed ridden, unable to do anything, in a diaper, not functional, suffering…how painful it was to watch him decline into that very state in a matter of weeks….
I am so heartbroken to have my dad die at such a young age…for him to have been fighting it the entire time and not have been ready. I am so sad that I don’t have a dad anymore…
Part of me is sad at the idea and fear that as a result of him dying, that I’m no longer connected to that part of my family also…
My 14 year old daughter sent me such a beautiful message yesterday. It was so warm, compassionate, empathic, loving, supportive. I’m so grateful for her. I thought to myself how great she is…then I realized how my little one can be so caring and empathic and present in how this affects me. I thought of my mother’s response in comparison. Y’know, with a detached father and an emotionally neglectful and emotionally abuse mother, it’s no wonder I ended up with a cheater….I mean sheesh.
Anyway, I’m grateful for what surviving infidelity has brought me. I’m grateful for the lessons, grateful for my new found relationships, grateful for the compassion and the forgiveness that I’ve learned, grateful for this platform of support. I’m so proud and happy at my new found very hard earned independence and my peace. Because of how absolutely fucking painful and triggering and god awful the infidelity I experienced from my ex was, I got into therapy and pushed to heal so many broken spaces within me. Because of my healing, I was able to have a relationship with my dad for the last five years of his life. I was able to find peace in that before he died, I’m able to process grief differently now.
I wanted to take the time to write this out. To post. As I mentioned earlier in this entry, I have a tendency to isolate. I have not told my friends, I haven’t really reached out to anyone. I’m up at 3:06am, crying silently, typing this out, reflecting.
I love you dad, I hope that you have peace. I’m so deeply sorry that you went out like this. Happy birthday.
20 comments posted: Thursday, November 9th, 2023
Dating and trust after infidelity
I haven’t been here in quite some time. Lots of continued digging into my healing with therapy, lots of adjustments into single life and independence and kids and all the things. I’ve dated off and on but nothing serious (purposely as i just didn’t feel ready).
Anyway…I’ve met someone now that’s definitely wanting to build up to a more serious space over time and I’m finding myself immensely cautious and fearful of trusting him. I’m trying to pay attention to red flags that may arise and attempting to make sure I communicate and journal and whatever else…
Right now he has a female friend that he’s been friends with for 7 or 8 years staying in the guest bedroom at his home as she visits from out of town. Old me would have totally been chill with that - wouldn’t have cared at all. I have friends of all kinds and I wouldn’t cross that line so I used to feel like others could do the same. Now? I find myself thinking, "What if this is just like your former WS and you’re being played for a fool again? Run!"
He did tell me about this visit way before hand and asked me how I felt about it. I told him it would be fine, I don’t want to control or block anyone…and I of all people know that if the person I’m dating is gonna sleep around or betray then they’ll always find a way to do it. Not my job to control them. Nothing I can do to stop them.
Now that she’s there though I’m feeling all of this distrust. I find myself wanting to stop communications and just remove myself completely, it’s like I’ve already made up my mind that this is not a trustful situation and I need to run before I get too deep & find myself hurt all over again!
It feels heartbreaking at the same time though bc I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to feel safe and build trust with someone again?
How did you maneuver trust and dating after infidelity?
8 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022
Book Suggestions on Sexual Aversion/Disgust
And or related to moving past aversions or disgust feelings likely brought on by prior sexual traumas?
6 comments posted: Wednesday, August 18th, 2021
Happy birthday to me!
12 comments posted: Wednesday, April 8th, 2020