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My rage at the other women

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Justsomeguy ( Member #65583) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

My STBXWW bears the full responsibility of her decision the cheat, over and over with different men. That being said, the AP also bears full responsibility for his decisions, especially considering her was a BS one time. I think his behaviour is pathological, with him trying bang as many women as possible in an effort to validate his fractured ego. The damage he caused isn't even an afterthought.

The solace I take in all of this is that we each get this one precious life to live, and both my STBXWW and her AP have thrown it away.

I'm just reading a book by Richard Rohr, on Falling Forward, which is really helping me to put things into perspective. Not finished yet, but some of his thoughts on the second half of life are certainly intriguing.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8676159
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 8:49 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

On what planet was that a reasonable thing to do? I know he made his vows to me, and he started things with her, but if she was a decent human being she would have told him to get lost

Right? What are these people thinking? My WH's decade-long AP made a huge scene at work, telling him "You have to choose. Me, or her." WHO DOES THAT? How embarrassing and pathetic! (He didn't choose her)

"Are you leaving your wife and kids to come be with me & take care of my kids? You must choose now!"

I just can't wrap my head around the stupidity.

I keep reminding myself if these women were good people, they would've told him to get lost the second they found out he was married. They are trash.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8676221
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 8:55 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Then when I knew I didn't have all the answers I started to post stuff to piss her off. And it worked, she finally told me it was physical.

What did you post?

I have something typed up that I have wanted to send her. I feel it's too good not to but I keep being told not to give her anymore attention or make her more relevant in my life. It's so HARD.

I have a few letters typed up as well, unable to decide whether to actually send them. One to her, one to her parents, and one to her grown daughter. I want everyone to know what a homewrecking whore she is.

The other AP is young, not married, no kids. I may tell her parents, but that's about all I can do.

I also don't want them feeling they're relevant, so maybe silence is best. But I want to out them to everyone at the very least. I don't have any need to tell them about my pain or anything else. I know they aren't evolved enough to even understand or care about that.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8676225
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 9:06 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

I also don't want them feeling they're relevant, so maybe silence is best.

Ding ding ding.

I get how the injustice of it rankles, but that's the thing - ANY attention you give them, any letters you send, emails you write, calls you make (other than to an OBS if there is one), lets them know just how much mental space they are occupying in your head. It gives them importance they do NOT deserve.

Day after dday1, I went to where xwh and the ap worked and called them both out to behind the shop and gave her a piece of my mind. I wasn't needlessly cruel or threatening to her - I handled myself and spoke to her with grace and I am proud of that for myself. But knowing what I know now and how my feelings have changed since then I wouldn't have bothered honestly. It changed nothing, and gave her way more of me than she had any right to. Just my 0.02.

My advice is to sit on any calls/letters for a minimum of 60 days and then re-evaluate. Cus I promise you your mind will change about them.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8676230
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 9:09 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

My advice is to sit on any calls/letters for a minimum of 60 days and then re-evaluate. Cus I promise you your mind will change about them.

I appreciate that. It's been many months now for me and I still want to send them. I just want to speak my truth and nothing else. I want everyone close to them to know who they really are, and then I can move on. What they do with that information is out of my control, but at least everyone would know. I don't like all of these secrets. They hurt so many people.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8676232
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 9:15 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

I never really had rage toward the other guy (in my situation). Don't get me wrong, I think he's complete scum. Absolute scum. This probably sounds sexist but deep down I see him as a hazard of society, just like I would view any player, it's not just him.

Yeah, that. There will always be shitty people out there willing to do shitty things. My rage was never at the other women. My rage was at my XWH, because the idea was that we were partners in life, a team. We were supposed to protect one another from shitty people wanting to do shitty things. He wasn't supposed to be one of the shitty people doing shitty things. Very much "the call is coming from inside the house" kind of feeling.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8676237
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 9:41 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

I am absolutely able to break both cheaters into two entirely different categories....and deal with each one separately.....kinda.

For our partner, we already know this. Virtually every member comes here, originally, because of their wayward partner. You know---the one that we least expected to betray us.

But as for the AP? They can get as much hate as the BS feels they need to throw their way. I try to be a certain way in society and I expect the same from others. I don't expect, and certainly don't tolerate those that want to be a detriment in my eyes. They try to use suave words like "players", when really a better word would be "poachers". Vermin. Bottom feeders.

Call it sisterhood. Brother code. Whatever description that people should have for fucking respect to another person. And if they aren't willing to do that, they deserve the ire of the ones they decide to slight....whether they knew them personally or not.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3816   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8676249
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 9:59 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

We were supposed to protect one another from shitty people wanting to do shitty things. He wasn't supposed to be one of the shitty people doing shitty things. Very much "the call is coming from inside the house" kind of feeling.

Exactly. That's the truth of the situation. There are potential OW/OM everywhere. It's a losing battle if you believe they are your problem.

If our energy is finite (and it is) how is spending any of your time contemplating this hate a good use of your precious energy? You'll never think well of the trash--no, but the solution is to avoid thinking of them at all. NC is for everyone, not just the WS--and that includes mental NC.

They just don't matter. Waste of your brain cells. Create something good with your brain cells rather than dwelling on something bad. Use your limited energy wisely.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8676253
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 11:19 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

The rage was REALLY hard for me to move through. And I still sometimes struggle with it.

TBH, I think the best "healer" was a plain, old 4-letter word: T-I-M-E.

I spent a fair amount of energy fantasizing about all sorts of ways to expose the APs - esp the LTA POSOW. I even looked into the cost of getting a billboard or a truck with a billboard near her home to paste her photo for all her friends & neighbors to see (good thing it was out of my price range!).

At the end of the day, I agree that having anger toward someone who knowingly participated in taking away our agency is not unhealthy. An SIer who doesn't really post anymore (Zugzwang), said his BS described it as the AP holding her down while her WH raped her. That has always resonated with me.

And my anger at AP does not (at least for me) remove one iota of anger I have with my WH (the one who made those vows)... any more than I have anger at folks who throw their trash out of their car windows on the highway. It's wrong. It's immoral. It shows a callous disregard for others.

And

Living MY best life is the thing I want to put my energy in... living well IS the best revenge.

I also did a fair amount of journaling to try and purge some of that rage out of my body.

One thing that angers me is the "no fault" and no alienation of affection lawsuits in my state - I would LOVE to sit across a conference room table from that POSOW while she describes her adulterous ways. If anything, I wish more folks traumatized by infidelity could come out of the shadows to start lobbying their lawmakers to alter the "no fault" D / reinstate alienation of affection lawsuits. Likely not many would avail themselves of those options, but those who would deserve to be able to force these folks to testify under oath, and to expose them for the lying cheaters they are (and the POSOW inherited some nice $$$ that sure would help me start a new life!).

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8676281
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 4:36 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

One thing that angers me is the "no fault" and no alienation of affection lawsuits in my state - I would LOVE to sit across a conference room table from that POSOW while she describes her adulterous ways.

I don't have those in my state either. I looked them up, because I wanted to be able to hold this homewrecking whore accountable in SOME way. But there is nothing. It's infuriating they can do this to us and there's no justice or accountability.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8676347
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 3:15 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

there's no justice or accountability

For me, this was SUPER hard to accept, and I suppose that once I was able to wrap my head around it, that rage at the APs began to dissipate (not disappear, but lessen A LOT).

I often wonder if the ways in which we learned about "fairness" from our VERY early years, may impact how we are able to cope with the injustices we experience as adults. IOW, I was taught that things are supposed to be "fair"... but was not taught that sometimes life just isn't fair and (more importantly) how to work through that hurt and let it go to live my own best life. It just wasn't discussed in my FOO.

So, healing from infidelity trauma has helped me view this differently - including learning that some things in life are not fair, will never be fair, and obsessing about that or holding on to the pain of that will ultimately hurt ME (the old, taking poison and expecting the other person to die thing). Exposing the AP, trying to shame the AP, obsessing about the AP.... all of that will not really help US heal - at least not in the long run (don't get me wrong, I am quite confident that it would feel AWESOME - but not for very long and NOT in a way that will ultimately help/support ME working through the trauma and learning to live MY best life, irrespective of what kind of lives a lying cheater will -or will not - live).

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8676396
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Felix12306 ( Member #78827) posted at 10:00 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

csaiht

She put something on his truck that said something along the lines of getting his thumb print tattooed on her with his favorite song in it...

So I posted a picture of it on Snapchat with caption... "What a psycho wanting to tattoo the thumb print of a man who she talked to for 44 days, we have been laughing so hard at this."

And just like that, I got the truth from her that it was in fact physical.

I haven't done anything to out her to family simply because I don't want her to do the same. I have sent her messages talking about how much I hate her. And what a trash person she is. But since she admitted it was physical I played nice to get the information I needed. But now I'm back to having a whole letter I want to send her since finding out it was physical.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 100   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8676460
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 2:04 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

@Felix

Oh wow. My WH's most recent AP was watching my IG stories every day, multiple times a day for almost a whole year. I run a public page with thousands of followers for a very specific niche, so I couldn't say anything there (and it's not a niche she would EVER follow, so it was obvious she was just stalking me). I did post some things indirectly towards her, but she never messaged me.

I wanted to message her asking WTF ARE YOU DOING WATCHING ME? but I never did. I just wanted her to disappear!

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8676498
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GTeamReboot ( Member #72633) posted at 4:31 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I haven’t read all the other replies yet. Responding quickly so I can find it easily.

The two APs in my situation were both friends of mine. One of them a close friend. The rage at her is different than the rage at the one who wasn’t as close of a friend but was with him twice and then pursued him in a pathetic desperate manner after he broke it off.

The rage. It haunts me. I’ve written letters to both that I desperately want to send. But we are far enough into healing and doing well, and chances are that no good could come of it at this point.

But oh the rage.

Me- BW, 45 (FWH, 47); DDay Oct 2019 - Double Betrayal (x2) during Aug-Sept 2018. Hard at work in R! Whole story in Bio
I tend to make little edits for clarity and typos!

posts: 497   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020
id 8676513
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 6:29 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I think you have to realize that AP are broken, needy people. All the attention you give them - justified rage or not - feeds their feeling of importance. “Oh he must have really loved me if she’s so angry” “She’s such a loser she can’t stand knowing I was better than her” (remember it is not reality - it is the lies the AP feed themselves.). They do not read your letters and suddenly develop character and morals and start to reflect on all their bad choices and character flaws. Remember that WS often paint a picture of their spouse and marriage as horrible to the AP, so the AP sees you as broken and pathetic. DON’T FEED THIS.

TIME is the answer. Write the letters, burn them or flush them or whatever. But don’t feed the beast. The AP needs to hear nothing but crickets from your and your spouse to show them unequivocally how utterly unimportant and irrelevant they are. When you rage out, they realize they are still in the picture and may start being a (bigger) PIA. Don’t let the AP live rent free in your brain. (This is hard - I know - but your focus needs to be on you, not them).

You are 1000 times better than any AP. Put all your attention on you and your healing. The AP is a piece of garbage and not worth any energy.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4208   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8676585
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Felix12306 ( Member #78827) posted at 10:16 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

csaiht

It was on my husband's Snapchat. I removed all of his friends so that only she was on there and I could pretty much post whatever I wanted. And I posted a lot of things just memes and different quotes and such. Directed at her trashiness. I knew I'd eventually get her mad enough to finally confess to me that it was physical. Because they were both lying to me about it. And then after she replied back I text her and we had a long conversation. I played nice of course to get what info I needed. But now I just have this burning desire to send her this big fat f*** you. I felt really good the last couple of times I did it. My only one worry is that she will try and out everything to family and friends. We haven't told any family by my choice because we are trying to reconcile and I don't need anybody's judgment. And I have about a handful of friends that know about the situation that are very supportive. But then I also think she has a lot to lose by doing that to me because I would turn around and do that to her. I would definitely tell her family and kids. And I think I might be safe if I send another one because she didn't really do anything the last couple of times but this one I have typed up now is pretty mean. I'm still thinking about it.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 100   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8676612
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 12:45 AM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

I completely understand.

But it's not worth it. Anything you send just lets her know how important she still is to you. It gives her power she doesn't deserve. And it keeps you sucked into the drama.

The best way to win the game with people like that is not to play at all.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8676624
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Dragonfly123 ( Member #62802) posted at 6:52 AM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Rage against the affair partner? Perfectly normal, very human, completely understandable.

I still loathe the AP, would dance on her grave. I won’t go into details but until the last month (three snd a half years from dday) she was still trying to get a reaction out of me, but I haven’t and will not feed the beast and neither should you.

Easier said than done and believe you and me, I’m still working through this process but we keep them there if we can’t silence our thoughts on them. I’m reconciled and I honestly think I think about her more than my WH.

At the end of the day the AP in your situation wants to be significant, don’t give her that.

The rage does subside with TIME I promise!

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8676649
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 csaiht (original poster Member #77335) posted at 10:39 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

I think you have to realize that AP are broken, needy people. All the attention you give them - justified rage or not - feeds their feeling of importance. “Oh he must have really loved me if she’s so angry” “She’s such a loser she can’t stand knowing I was better than her” (remember it is not reality - it is the lies the AP feed themselves.). They do not read your letters and suddenly develop character and morals and start to reflect on all their bad choices and character flaws. Remember that WS often paint a picture of their spouse and marriage as horrible to the AP, so the AP sees you as broken and pathetic. DON’T FEED THIS.

Thanks for that. Logically I know all of this, but it's something I have to constantly remind myself. The rage is so overwhelming and this is all such a blow to my self-esteem, sense of safety and wellbeing, etc (you all know what it's like), and brings out the mama bear in me because ultimately they hurt my kids.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8676841
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 11:38 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

There are potential OW/OM everywhere. It's a losing battle if you believe they are your problem.

I had to learn this one the hard way.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8676854
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