Newest Member: Imthecheater

freetogonow

Dropped off papers at the courthouse yesterday....

As the title says. They are 90 days behind on judgments which means they will not get to my docs until mid January. My divorce is due to be final mid-February, in my state (CA) it's six months and 1 day from the date the respondent was served.

So because we are not fighting, this will probably not delay my divorce unless some error is found within the papers (which the court clerk looked over before accepting and said it all appears to be in order).

Basically a judge just stamps it, making our marital settlement agreement (the finances and such) to be official, they send us each a copy of that, and then we just wait for the mandatory clock to run out on the 6 months + 1 day.

I was so fucking happy yesterday and I'm still happy today when I think about this is really happening. It's really, really happening.

4 comments posted: Friday, October 15th, 2021

Some Critical Paperwork Is Now Signed.

I feel such a massive relief. Some very critical paperwork is now signed.

I thought he would give me shit about it and drag things out. He's been very compliant and agreeable the whole way but I just was scared that he would get stubborn all of a sudden.

I just feel like a thousand pounds is off my chest.

My divorce is going to be final in March I believe.

2 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021

What Did You Do On The Day Your Divorce Became Final?

I wanted to do something to celebrate besides go out for drinks with my friends.

I spent a lifetime being deeply enmeshed and codependent with him and part of the healing has been learning to do things for myself. Not running to others to do things for me, that I should be doing for myself, and playing poor helpless baby/damsel in distress so as to lure men to my web LOL.

Anyway. I am going to an island and going camping!!!! OMG!! ALONE!!!! SOLO!!!! YES!!!

I am going to pitch my tent, go to sleep that night a married woman, and wake up that morning unfettered and FREE.

And I'm not even telling anyone that I'm going except my adult kids.

I'm going to have a daily itinerary (on this day I'll be on this trail, on that day I'll be on that trail, etc) which I will not deviate from. I'll have a daily check-in with my kids and call the rangers if I miss a check-in by more than an hour, right?

It is going to be sublime, epic, and all the good words.

So. What did you do?? Tell me.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Am I becoming one of those delusional women who thinks all the mens are after me lucky charms when they're really not?

This thought entered my mind LOL.

All of this is pretty new to me. Because I didn't entice, draw, or foment any sort of male attention for the past 30 years, right? I was faithful. I never even looked at another man. It just never entered my mind.

But in the past several months...the happier I get, that's all changed.

I've had men offer me their phone numbers, I've had men ask for mine. I had a "who is that, introduce me to her" type situation come up tonight that just made me laugh because it was SO obvious and SO contrived, and they (the mutual male friend doing the introductions and the guy being introduced) were just trying so hard to be casual about it but it was SO OBVIOUS. I laughed and flirted a little but I also rolled my eyes.

I don't think every man I lay eyes on is after my lucky charms but I feel like there's way damn more out there, who are, that it never occurred to me, would be! It's kind of awesome knowing I could get laid in 30 seconds if I really wanted.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

It's kind of fun getting chased after by someone I no longer want. I hope he's suffering.

The only reason he isn't blocked is because divorce is pending and I need his cooperation on a couple things, so while I don't mind tormenting him by ignoring him, I also don't want to actively seek to provoke him.

He is desperate and getting more desperate as our divorce date gets closer.

Me: Pocket dials him by mistake

Me: Immediately texts and says, "sorry, pocket dial." I know good and well that he got that text.

20 minutes later, he's blowing up my phone and I know he's not gonna stop so I just figure I'll answer and tell him verbally what he already knows: "Yeah as the text said (LOL), that was a pocket dial, sorry." Him: "oh I was worried, I saw I had a missed call, I just wanted to be sure you were ok" yadda yadda.


Discussion with my hairdresser today.

Me: Apparently the grass wasn't greener.

Her: No, the grass is dying.

We laughed our asses off.

12 comments posted: Monday, September 13th, 2021

"I can't believe she left me"

A friend told me this story.

Her ex was a serial cheater. She got to where she was done. They had to do in-house separation for 6 months, during which time he decided to get a new girlfriend because after all, the marriage was officially "done" so it was no longer cheating, right?

The day came where she got her own place and moved out. He sat with his girlfriend and watched her carry all her things out the door. After the final box was out and she had driven away, he sat on the couch, put his head in his hands, and cried TO HIS GIRLFRIEND, "I can't believe she did it. I can't believe she really left me."

The girlfriend told her this story much later, after the GF had broken up with him and reached out to her to compare war stories lol.

So. On to me.

My ex has treated me like a BFF since he moved out 4 years ago. He constantly wants to share details of his life with me which at first I welcomed as hopium that he'd come back, and tiny scraps of affection, bread crumbs I was willing to sacrifice my dignity to glom on to.

I served him divorce papers about 2 weeks ago. These were not a surprise, he knew they were coming and we've had open communication about the disposition of everything that wasn't addressed in the original separation agreement.

He's been extremely cold. One and two word replies. Very unlike him.

My friend told me it's because he left me 4 years ago, but I didn't leave him. I stayed with him, even though he wasn't with me. I was on the back burner, I was plan B, I was still available in case he changed his mind.

But now, that's all changed. Even though I haven't been truly available to him for a very long time, in his mind, I still was. Now, I've left him so he's pouting and butt hurt.

Cheaters are so wild, the crazy way they think and process.

3 comments posted: Sunday, August 29th, 2021

I am extremely angry. And I unleashed hell on that MF.

This mother fucker got his divorce papers served. He knew they were coming.

The script all along, has been the same tired one that you all know. He was never the problem. It was his circumstances. It was me. I was the problem. And all he had to do, in order to lead a fulfilled happy life, was change women. Well I guess he learned the grass isn't greener. Who knew that running from your problems and using another woman to do so, wouldn't end well?

He starts texting me the day he got the papers. "Mistakes were made. I made a lot of bad choices. In the past I have blamed you or justified them but there is no justifying them. It's too bad I had to fuck everything up to learn certain things. I don't regret having married you (this is trying to walk back things he said 4 years ago)."


It's quite clear to me, and it's been clear for a while now, that he's very unhappy with his choice and I guess the grass isn't as green as he thought it would be. I started hearing, "I miss talking to you", etc etc. I've been ignoring him mostly and just getting on with my awesome life and the more I ignore him, the more he tries to talk to me.

That last thing is what fired me up. "I don't regret having married you". When he left, he told me, "I regret marrying you, I was never happy in 24 years, she was always my soulmate and if I'd been able to find her at any point in the past 24 years, I'd have left you then."

So now he's trying to walk that back. He's trying to walk it all back. He said a shitload of things about regret and remorse, of course not a single apology. Not the words, "I'm sorry." But it's very clear that he's hinting around that he's learned his lesson and he wishes he could get a do-over.

I'm happy that he's unhappy. I'm glad. That man destroyed me, and I stayed destroyed for a long fucking time.

I twisted the knife a few times and I have no regrets. Just said casual, innocent things that I knew was pouring salt in his wounds. I fucking enjoyed that a lot. You just don't even know.

He tries to engage all the time and I ignore him. It's clear to anyone that he's terribly lonely, I guess Snag isn't the soulmate companion he thought she would be. He is wildly curious about my life. I don't know what the fuck he thought I've been doing this whole time. Just sitting in a darkened room rocking back and forth? No motherfucker, I fixed myself. I unfucked myself, that's why we're getting divorced now, but you don't get to hear any details.

One of the things I said to him, was, "You destroyed every relationship that mattered. Your kids want nothing to do with you, you will never see your grandkids, and they are such a joy. So much has happened with me that I don't tell you about, that you will never know about, and you didn't value or deserve me either. I listen to your bullshit but I tell you nothing about my life. You don't get to know my joys and triumphs, you don't get to know about me. You don't rate to know. You are literally the only person on earth who thinks that she was worth giving all that up for. So I hope that you have a really happy life, because it only cost you everything."

I also said, "You are incredibly selfish. You chased after what you thought you "deserved" at the expense of everyone else's pain. But what you did not deserve was me and the kids." He was quiet for a minute and then he said, "I don't disagree."

But the fucking thing is, once again, he doesn't feel bad about the pain he's caused. He doesn't feel bad that he devastated me. He doesn't feel bad that he broke our son's heart. He doesn't feel bad that he's missed 4 years of our amazing wonderful grandkids. HE FEELS BAD FOR HIMSELF. It's all about HIS pain. Once again it's just "poor me, I made a bed that I now don't want to sleep in".

Mother fucker! I can't wait til this fucking divorce is final.

12 comments posted: Thursday, August 19th, 2021

How to tell if a guy likes you.

Ok so it's been a minute for me since I've been single. I was married since 1993 and I was truly faithful and never looked at another man. If one flirted or came on to me, I was oblivious to it because I never thought that way about other men.

So this guy...he's very shy in general but he is liking everything that I post on Facebook. Like everything.

Do you think he likes me? I feel like at a minimum, it indicates that I'm posting things that he's quite interested in reading, and enjoys, etc.

16 comments posted: Monday, August 9th, 2021

The Pie, Part Deux

I was eating my pie and ruminating and I realized that he DID once get me the strawberry rhubarb pie. I forgot about this. I think I blocked it out LOL. But...I have to tell this story.

In early 2016, he was part of an off road vehicle riders enthusiast club. They often went to the boondocks in our area, to camp and ride all weekend. It was mostly men, a handful of women and/or wives, but mostly it was a "guy thing".

He told me he was going out with the club one weekend, and he actually did go with them. Nothing about this was unusual. He did this all the time. They were going to be out in the area of this "pie town".

When he came home Sunday night, he had a pie. I was expecting it to be Dutch apple and was surprised it was strawberry rhubarb, because that never happened. I remember that he was very magnanimous about the fact that he had purchased me this pie.

It was like three days later that he sent me a text at 5am that was intended for her, and the affair came to light.

Within 12 hours of me finding out, he was happily updating his facebook. Mind you the tears were not dry on my face, my son didn't even know, I had literally just found out, and he was busy posting all of these pictures of them together, consorting and carrying on their affair. Pictures taken during the past six months in which we had been in marriage counseling and he had sworn he was no contact with her, and trying to fix things with me. It had all been a huge fucking lie. I mean my phone and messenger were blowing up with people, all our friends, asking me who the fuck that woman was that my husband was posting pictures of her sitting on his lap, etc.

It was like he'd been holding back, but the dam had burst so he was free to post all these pictures of them together, and he was not in the slightest bit ashamed or concerned what anyone would think of what he was doing (clinical narcissists typically do not concern themselves with how their actions affect others, they are pretty much oblivious to that).

Some of the pictures were from that weekend with the off roading club. Yes. He hadn't been "out with the guys". He had been with the guys, and this hoe-bag.

So this mother fucker, had been out all weekend fucking this ho, and LYING to me about it, came home and kissed me, pretending to be a good husband who had stopped in this town on his way home from his guys weekend, and bought his loving wife, her favorite pie.

I mean...I can't even with this fuckface.

It made my pie all that much sweeter.

6 comments posted: Monday, August 9th, 2021

The Cowboy.

I'm getting a vibe from the cowboy.

He's very easy to talk to and he is the type who always has a pocket knife to do things that you would need a pocket knife for. I like a man who wears work boots and carries a pocket knife.

No one will remember this but he has weird hair. But a lot of it. Not that I don't like bald men because I think a shaved head is super sexy especially with a goatee. But comb-overs and desperately clinging to 4 hairs and growing them long, no, but it's not like that.

But it's like he lets it grow out until it's like an unkempt pelt, then gets it chopped short. It seems to be like a maintenance issue. Like he addresses it the way you'd cut grass on a section of your lawn that you don't care all that much about. Because he doesn't have a hair shortage, he's got a ton of it and it's super thick and he's got to be around 60 or so. I feel like if he was going bald, he'd already be bald.

The cowboy owns six horses and he has invited me riding. That's been fun. I like him. But I'm not in any rush.

The church guy is still after me but I'm running from him. He did a couple things that I thought to myself, you really gonna ignore that massive red flag that's one of your dealbreakers, just because you like how he looks in a ball cap? (Answer, no, I'm not). So now I just smile and be polite and keep moving.

4 comments posted: Saturday, August 7th, 2021

"He Acts Like He Doesn't Care"

I'm a recovering codependent. My codependency contributed to the destructive dynamic of the marriage, because I tolerated all kinds of bullshit for YEARS that no healthy woman would have ever tolerated.

Anyway I'm watching a show and this girl is complaining to a friend about her horrible boyfriend.

Girl (whining): I just don't understand, he acts like he doesn't even care.

Friend: Did you ever think, maybe he's not acting?


I mean...wow.

I remember saying this. I remember just being devastated and horribly hurt, but at the same time puzzled and baffled and just could not wrap my mind around it. How could he act like he just didn't care? All the horrible things that he did, he didn't seem to be doing them maliciously, for the purpose of deliberately causing hurt. It's just that he acted like he simply didn't care.

Well because. He wasn't acting. He was behaving in a way that exactly matched how he felt. And what he felt was that he truly did not care.

So now, here's my going-forward lesson. As a codependent in recovery, who owes myself the biggest apology for tolerating things I never should have. My going forward lesson is, that when someone "acts" a certain way, I am never going to say, "how can he act like this? How can he act like my birthday doesn't matter? How can he act like ___________ is no big deal? How can he act like it's perfectly ok when he ______?"

I'm never again going to ask the question, "how can he act like...?"

I'm going to accept that this future theoretical guy, is behaving exactly the way that aligns with how he feels inside. I'm taking it all at face value.

9 comments posted: Saturday, August 7th, 2021

Bought a pie today.

My ex is a narcissist. I'm not qualified to diagnose him but I have a lot of evidence LOL.

Anyway he is extremely selfish, and I was so codependent that I just went along with whatever he wanted to appease him and make him happy. I WAS SO WEAK.

Like if I was watching a show on TV and he came home in the middle of my show and he wanted to watch something else, it was understood that the channel would be getting changed.

I'm not claiming victim status, because I allowed this. I ALLOWED IT which boggles my mind now. I fucking allowed it! I wasn't a victim, I was a volunteer.

I am not the same person I was four years ago, trust and believe.

Well anyway there's a bakery in a quaint former gold mining town about 50 miles from my house, that's famous for their pies. So much so that sometimes local grocery stores carry the pies, but they're kind of hard to find, because they are baked fresh at the bakery.

But it's kind of a thing, that people here do for a day trip. You drive an hour, go to this quaint town, you browse the antique stores, you walk around looking at things, you have lunch, and get a pie on your way out of town, to take home for later.

I love strawberry rhubarb pie. But whenever we went to this town and stopped for a pie, I was not allowed to get it. He likes dutch apple. He doesn't like strawberry rhubarb. So guess which pie we always got.

I wasn't allowed to get 2 pies, that would be "too much". No. The pies run $15-20 each so we "just need one", so we could only have one flavor, of course, and it always had to be the flavor he wanted. In 24 years of marriage, we went to this town at least once every year, and never once did I get that flavor of pie.

So I wrap up my legal stuff today that's about 5 miles from this pie town. So, really close.

And I run into the grocery next door for aluminum foil which I had forgot the other day.

I walk in the door and right in front is a table with all these bakery pies from this pie shop. I walked over and looked down, right on top is strawberry rhubarb. I said fuck it I'm getting this pie.

And then I grabbed one of "his" pies--dutch apple. I was headed to see a friend after, and I thought, hmm I'll bring them a little gift.

Bought them both, and I took the dutch apple to my dear friends and dropped it off as a gift. It's divorce pie. I want them to enjoy something he would enjoy, and that he will never enjoy again because he moved out of state away from this pie shop. He doesn't get this pie. I bought it for someone else LOL.

They laughed and laughed and said, we won't think of him when we're eating it. We'll think of you, and how kind you were to bring us this delicious gift LOL. (Everyone loves this pie and it's hard to come by unless you drive an hour, so I will say it was a pretty great gift LOL).

Now I look back and think holy fuck, woman. What were you doing with that clown? He couldn't spare you $15 to get the flavor pie you wanted, not once in 24 years of marriage? NOT ONCE. But he dropped tens of thousands of dollars on all kinds of garbage that he wanted for himself. He'd buy $200 biking gloves that he wore maybe twice.

Never. Doing. That. Again.

I'm worth the pie, sisters and brothers. I AM WORTH THE PIE.

Also it's fucking delicious. I've eaten about a third of it already and my stomach hurts. I am already anticipating tomorrow morning breakfast, I'll have a nice cup of coffee and my pie.

13 comments posted: Friday, August 6th, 2021

What Do You Call The Affair Partner?

Mine is Snag. It's because she looks like a dentist pulled out all of her teeth and then put them back in, in a great big hurry.

One of my BFF's calls her Fang, so she can interchangeably be Fang or Snag.

What's yours called?

53 comments posted: Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Buying Things That Only I Will See

I have always struggled with spending money on myself. If I needed something, I didn't look for something I liked. I looked for what was cheapest. The cheapest black skirt on the sale rack would do. The cheapest pair of shoes on the clearance aisle would do.

Even stuff like hand soap. The cheapest was fine.

I never had anything pretty.

Now, I have pretty things. It doesn't matter that I live alone and only I will see the pretty new tumblers in the cupboard.

It doesn't matter that only I will use the expensive lavender hand soap in the bathroom. It doesn't matter that I sleep alone in my bed, I want a pretty bed and I'm saving for one.

I'm buying myself a purse that I don't need, for my birthday. Either Anushka or Johnny Was, one with birds on it.

I used to drink my coffee out of a big mug that he bought from Yosemite when we went there on our anniversary about 8 years ago. Every time I drank my coffee, it reminded me of him, but I was too cheap to get rid of it.

Well I dropped it and it broke the other week and this morning I bought a new mug for myself. With a mermaid on it, because I like mermaids.

I'm worth the lavender hand soap and the pretty bath towels and the new dishes and the nice bed sheets. I was always worth those things, I just never believed it before now.

15 comments posted: Saturday, May 29th, 2021

"I would rather adjust my life to your absence...

...than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect."

Facebook meme wisdom. Pithy, often trite and cliched, sometimes even cheesy...but usually spot on.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

The cowboy

He cut his hair once already but now he’s cut it REALLY short.

Was this in response to my casual remark they I dig guys with really short hair?

Unknown. Remains to be seen.

He seems interested in everything that I say. I don’t know him as well as I knew the church guy but he seems really interested. We have a lot in common but not everything in common.

This is a lot of fun. I’m going to flirt with him some more and see if he invites me horseback riding.

3 comments posted: Monday, May 3rd, 2021

The church guy...holy hell, bullet dodged.

What a crazy day.

Ok so...what drew me to church guy in the first place was that he has a servant's heart. He actively seeks to help people who can do nothing for him in return. And, I just love that because it speaks to me of selflessness. That's what made me like him so much, I saw that one facet of his personality and wanted to know more.

He's been my friend for a long time but very surface-y. Because, well, I was married and it wouldn't have been appropriate to know a single guy that well. I mean, he and I both have character, right?

However. I have learned that he has more issues than Reader's Digest.

He has a massive problem with self pity. There are things he could fix or change but he is choosing not to do that. He's choosing self pity. I don't want to get too specific on the off chance, because you just never know who is reading what, and who will recognize someone...but yeah.

I've gotten some feedback from trusted friends. One pointed out that he seemed to enjoy being a martyr and I can't argue with that (she knows details that I'm not going to post here).

Another friend said that he seems to be going to multiple women seeking attention and pity for his plight (which again I'm not going to get into the specifics of, but he does have a plight and it's pretty serious but he could also be doing things about it which he is choosing not to do).

I was thinking about what drives behavior. He is getting a secondary benefit by not fixing his issues or working on them AT ALL. He'd rather marinate in pain.

OK. He'll be marinating without me because I'm on an awesome trajectory.

However I will say this. He did serve a purpose for me. I see what I want in a man. I want that selfless servant's heart that's like Jesus. I want the guy who helps people who can do nothing for him in return. I want that guy. So I'm gonna look for a guy like that guy, but who doesn't have all the issues that Church Guy has.

End of story LOL.

16 comments posted: Sunday, April 25th, 2021

No more Codependent.

I can't believe my fresh mouth. I used to couch everything that I said to ex-WH to not piss him off, appease him, etc. I did this both when we were married and after he left me for AP.

I took his name off the account at the vet's but unbeknownst to me, they did not remove his cell. I went out of town last week and this happened.

Dog gets sick. Vet/boarding calls me, I don't pick up. They go down the list and call the next number which is his. He blows up my phone with texts wanting to know where I am, etc. Mind you that he has not seen this dog in YEARS since he moved out of state with AP.

I called the vet and they said they would treat the dog and call me back. They did not. They called HIM. What the actual fuck!

Meanwhile he's texting me like crazy. I told him that he didn't need to worry about it, dogs were in boarding because I was in X city. He then says, "It's none of my business but what are you doing there?"

I showed the text to my friend and she said, "he's right, it's none of his business."

I texted him back, "You're right, it's none of your business."

I found my spine, people, and there is NO GOING BACK.

He waits a few mintues and then texts back, "Well I hope you're having a good time".

Yes motherfucker I sure did have a good time. Epic.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, April 21st, 2021

I have 3 guys interested in me

A cowboy, a recovering drug addict, and an emotionally unavailable divorcee with anger issues.

I told my sister it’s like I’m reliving 1990

The church guy, I cannot get a bead on him. I’ll see him again in a few days.

18 comments posted: Monday, April 19th, 2021

The Back-Patting They Do Over Emotional Affairs

My ex cheated on me multiple times but the most recent one started out as an EA. I discovered the EA, he said he ended it and agreed to go to marriage counseling with me.

Spoiler, less than 2 weeks after he ended it, he picked it back up and again and it progressed to a full blown sexual affair. The whole while that this full blown affair was going on, he was continuing to go to marriage counseling with me and pretending to work on things.

In his mind, this was ok that he was continuing the affair because in his head, he had already decided to leave me. Therefore it was "over". Therefore it was ok to fuck this other woman and plan a future with her. It was all fine, everything was just fine! I mean he neglected to let ME in on the game plan until I accidentally discovered the affair, but hey, it was all good because he had already decided to leave so he wasn't a bad guy to carry on like this.

Anyway. I just read this comment somewhere else, someone wrote it about their own situation and it just made me laugh. This is how they think, isn't it?

"My exhusband left me for an emotional affair he desperately wanted to make physical ASAP ( but he was a good guys so he divorced me first ... yeah his medal is in the mail)."

14 comments posted: Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Karma Bus Rolled Into Town

Ex is blocked on facebook. the only, ONLY reason he isn't blocked on my phone is that our divorce is finally filed and until that's wrapped up, I'm going to allow him to still text for divorce business only because I don't want any excuses which will delay that. (I don't take his calls, I let them go to voicemail and if he texts about anything other than the divorce, I don't respond).

Long story short, he wants me back. Not in a million fucking years, dude. I don't love him, I don't hate him, I don't feel anything. I don't care if he's happy, I don't care if he's unhappy, I don't care if he had a bad day or broke his leg or won the lottery. I. Don't. Care.

He's a guy who was only ever as faithful as his options, so, vaya con Dios, motherfucker!

There's a song by Randy Travis called "Is It Still Over" that I listen to and just laugh and laugh. "Is it still over, are we still through, since my phone still ain't ringin', I assume it still ain't you...."

He tries and tries and tries to get me to engage. Once my divorce is final, I'm sending his AP girlfriend all these texts which clearly show it's a one way valve of regret from him to me.

8 comments posted: Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Good Morning, Kings & Queens!

I love this song on every level.

1. It lifts up women without tearing down men. Men are not "the bad guys". Men are not garbage that women can disregard and wipe their feet on and walk away. Men are kings, and this song calls them kings.

2. It says that a queen fighting alone is not dancing on her own. We were not meant to go through this life depending only on ourselves. We can't do it alone and thank God we don't have to. We have friends, we have families, we have support networks, we have God, whatever that aspect looks like to you.

3. If you are a queen with a king, that's great! That's worthy to pop champagne and raise a toast. But if you are a queen without a king, that doesn't make a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued or saved or fixed. You have a big sword and you are strong!

Have a listen, queens! The kings will probably not be as interested LOL.

The song is Kings & Queens by Ava Max

2 comments posted: Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I told him I liked him and more things happened

This guy has been a friend for several years, going back to when I was still with the idiot.

Because he has character and so do I, we were more surface-y friends because I don't think it's appropriate nor does he, for a married woman like I was, to be close chummy friends with a single man like him, like that.

He was legit just a friend until I realized about a month that I kinda liked him. I thought hm... lol I've been liking him ever since.

We had an adult conversation yesterday.

I told him that I was taking a risk fucking up our friendship but I needed him to know this.

I told him that I liked him. I liked him in a way that was different from how I like other male friends (some of whom he knows and are also his friends, I named them off lol "I don't feel this way about Bruce, Timothy, Ken. Just you.").

I didn't tell him this to see what his response would be, or to try and get something started with him. For once in my goddamn life, I was being straight with a man, with no expectations or hopes of a certain response, not trying to evoke a specific reaction, no manipulation of any kind.

I told him this because it's true, and I need to be truthful and honest. I'm not going to pretend any more that I don't feel a certain way, for the good or the bad, when I know that I feel that way. I'm not going to say "oh he's just a friend" when I know that how I feel about him, is very different than how I feel about other male friends.

I told him also that I was in no way, shape or form ready to be in a romantic relationship with anyone or even just casually date. I have a lot of work to do yet on myself in a lot of areas.

But, I want to be his friend on a deeper level and get to know him better. I like him, I told him "you tick a lot of boxes for me" LOL.

He is also not ready to be dating for some other reasons, but I can tell that he likes that I like him. He was neutral as far as his response went. He didn't say, "I don't feel the same towards you at all" and he didn't say "please run away and marry me".

Today he came by for something, he was finishing up some paid work he had done for me. He was all smiley to see me. I asked if he would like a cup of coffee and he said yes he would. It took me a minute to get the coffee made and by time I walked out with it, he had finished the small task he came to do and was packing up his tools.

I asked would you like to come sit and talk with me and he said yes. So we sat on my patio and talked about nothing big and drank our coffee. There was zero tension. There was zero anxiety. It was the calmest, most peaceful half hour you can imagine.

There were no expectations, no emotional hangover from the day before. I had a thing that needed to be said and I said it and he accepted it without freaking out. We were just two friends having coffee, nothing special except that yesterday, one friend said they liked the other one. It was an accepted fact. That's it and that's all. It was super nice.

We talked about a trip I'm taking and he asked how I would get to the airport. I said I'm driving myself, I have it all planned. He said you don't have to do that, "there are people who will drive you" LOL (like you?? "people" LOL). I said no it's fine, I have it planned. He said but then you have to pay for parking. I said it was fine, that God provided me the money for that.

I could see the wheels turning in his head so I gently but firmly stopped him and said, I need to do things for myself, that I can do for myself. I said this is part of the process that God has me on, that I told you about yesterday. If I need help I will ask. The things I can do for myself or want to do for myself, I will do myself. He laughed and said ok your choice.

He finally got up to leave as he had to get back to another job site and I could tell he did not want to go. He thanked me for the coffee. I said "you don't have to wait for something to break and come over to fix it as an excuse to come here. I like you and I like your company so if you want to come over and hang out with me, I'd like that. Just text or call." He got all smiley and said ok.

It was pretty epic.

20 comments posted: Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

4 Years Later, Finally Getting Divorced lol

Some of the oldest of old timers will remember me, for most I'm just another bozo on the bus ride of life.

Here's what's going on.

I was extremely co-dependent. Like, massively. I was unhealthily dependent on my husband to take care of me the way that a parent takes care of a child.

He left me for another woman and so what he did was unspeakably cruel. But I have to give credit where it's due, he is as codependent as I was, so he still felt responsible for me LOL. He agreed to a legal separation, not a divorce, which meant that I could stay on his medical plan, and he gave me way more alimony than a court would have ever ordered. His crazy girlfriend apparently didn't have a problem with this arrangement, so she's as fucked up as I was and he currently still is.

Now here we are. God has been talking to me about the idols in my life, the things I'm relying on to take care of me instead of Him and myself being responsible for taking care of me.

I thought I had a handle on it because I didn't go looking for a new man to take care of me. I thought, I'm good! Look how good I'm doing! I'm being single!

But in the back of my mind, I knew I was still using the old man to do that for me. People get divorced and they are responsible for themselves, but not me LOL. My brain-dead marriage with no functioning brain waves of any kind was on life support in ICU, a paper marriage so that I could continue to cling to that financial support and "be taken care of".

Anyway! I'm poor and I'm going to be more poor, because I'm going to be buying my own healthcare, and I'm cutting the cord on the alimony. But you know what, that's ok because God's going to take care of me. He already has, I just didn't give him any credit for it. I'm going to be ok. I'm really, really going to be ok.

And I'm not doing this so that I'll be free to date the new guy. If anything the new guy just highlighted that this sick arrangement needed to just come to an end. If nothing comes from the new guy, I'm not going to sit there and go, "Damn I gave up my free healthcare for you, and now you go and do me like this?" LOL

I'm so HAPPY with my life and for the first time since I was 13 years old, I'm not saying that I"m happy because of some guy. I'm happy because I have a fantastic life. And I give all the glory to God for bringing me through this horrible season, to a place of deep joy and peace. HE IS SO GOOD.

I feel giddy and scared and happy and excited. I AM GETTING FUCKING DIVORCED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to scrounge up the $1300 for the paralegal and $450 for the court costs. I should have that within a couple weeks or so I think.

Here's the hilarious part. He's been sending me texts telling me he still cares about me. I just die laughing and roll my eyes. I don't fucking care. But when I texted him yesterday that I was ready to file, first words out of his mouth, did you meet someone LOL. Then he fought me on it. He was like no you can't do that, you need to stay on my health plan! You need good healthcare, I still want you to be taken care of!

My emotional support friend laughed and told me, "The only guy he wants you to see is your doctor."

2 comments posted: Thursday, March 25th, 2021

How do I look at my old posts?

Probably a lot of people won’t remember me but 4 years ago I was camped out at this forum, weeping and reading every post. Like I was adrift in open ocean, grasping at any stray piece of debris from the shipwreck, trying to stay afloat. Just trying to keep from going under.

Life is now amazing

I want to go back and read my old posts. I’ve come so very far and this place is the record of that journey. I was to go back and see what I was saying 4 years ago. How do I do that?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, March 24th, 2021

I like someone ❤️

I haven’t been here in a long time.

It’s been just over 4 years since DDAY.

I have healed and my life is unbelievably happy. I love being single, it’s amazing.

I remember coming here and people said it might take 5 years to heal. I could barely get through the next minute. I just was in such pain that I wanted to die. I couldn’t imagine five months much less five years.

First year, I’d have taken him back but I was also in therapy and starting to figure things out.

Second year was better, the pain was starting to recede like the tide but it still hurt. At this point I’d have never taken him back.

Third year I started waking up happy. I am happy all the time. From this point, I’ve never had a bad day. I’ve had bad things happen but even my bad days are not bad days.

Fourth year is nothing but me living my best life. It’s truly been the best year of my life, ever.

Now we are entering that fifth year.

The depression is totally gone and I’ve been off all meds for about 2 years now. I have a deep joy like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

And now, I like someone. He’s a Christian, the real deal not a faker like some people I know 🙄. I’ve known him since I was still married to the fool. I know his character and I know the good bad and ugly about him.

He’s been single for a long time. Longer than me. He’s been waiting to meet someone but the right woman hasn’t come along I guess.

We sat next to each other in church last week for the first time. I’m pretty sure he likes me too.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, March 24th, 2021

I am tired and just need to share.

I have five dogs.

One is blind, toothless and is in kidney failure. I have to hand feed her twice a day, her special kidney diet food. She won't eat her food unless I sit with her and give it to her tiny bit by tiny bit (she's a Chihuahua).

She sleeps a lot but she's otherwise a spry little dog and it's not her time yet. She is one of my foster dogs but she's not considered adoptable. She's a hospice case but I've had her for two years and she's not dead yet. I love her so I hope she has a long ways to go yet.

I have another foster dog. Also considered not adoptable, rescued from the streets and he'll live with me for his life. He is elderly and toothless, also sleeps a lot, but is in otherwise good health. He is missing half his lower jaw and struggles to feed himself. So I am hand feeding him twice a day as well. He eats eagerly and has a great appetite.

I have three more dogs that thankfully aren't as much work.

I currently have a sixth dog who is a foster as well for the rescue that I foster for. His foster owners are on vacation so I agreed to take him for a week.

This dog I'm babysitting, ho boy. He's a mess.

He's blind and deaf and elderly. He's on all kinds of meds. He gets up in the middle of the night to pee so my sleep is seriously disrupted. I woke up today feeling hung over as hell. If he wakes up and thinks he's alone, he cries and I have to try and comfort him as best I can.

I am self employed and work from home. I am working my ass off to get my business ramped up to where I want it to be. I have goals, plans, and needs---like a new roof on both my house and my guest house. So, I'm working as much as I possibly can to earn as much as I possibly can.

I get up at 7am and I hit the ground running. Feeding two dogs by hand before work, making sure everyone else gets out to do their business. I work my ass off all day taking care of my business and my dogs.

I am usually done working by around 5. Then I have to feed the two dogs by hand again, do dishes and laundry and housecleaning, run whatever errands need to be run, and all that. It's been raining here so the dogs get my sheets all gritty so I'm changing bed sheets daily. I'm on laundry overload.

It's now 7:30 and I've still got dishes and laundry to do and I'm making a batch of food for the second foster dog from scratch. What can I say, he's spoiled. He likes salmon and rice mixed with canned dog food. He needs to put on weight so that's what I feed him.

I don't have time to date or for a boyfriend. I don't even know if I want one. I'm just tired. My days are packed full, I don't have time to add one more thing to them.

I don't really feel like I'm complaining. The life I have is the life I've built. I do with my time what matters to me.

I'm just tired. And I needed to tell someone I'm tired.

7 comments posted: Monday, December 23rd, 2019

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