Newest Member: Seekinghelptoo


Happiness Hangover/Maybe/Idk

First....thank you Chaos for your post. It helped me articulate what I am struggling with. I thought I had therapy today but it’s actually next week and I need to process my feelings. I have decided, for the time being, to keep my thoughts/actions regarding my marriage to myself and not share with family and friends. They are WHOLLY supportive of me and want the best for me. They are also supportive of WH and while the relationships are not what they were they still regard him warmly and love him. I just feel like I am too all over place regarding my feelings and emotions.

Background: He is a serial cheater, who’s last major OW went bunny boiler and we found ourselves looking down the end of gun when he ended it. He continued his self-destructive behavior. I got pregnant, found out I had an STD (trich) and lost the pregnancy. It was my final straw. I took the kids and moved out. Life GREATLY improved for me. New house, new job, peaceful, healing (I have been in therapy since the incident with OW). His life imploded including losing his job. I was so concerned at one point I reach out to his family regarding the state of this home, refused overnight visitation with kids and told them to remove his gun from his possession. I separated as much as legally could but was still obligated to pay his health insurance, car insurance and paid his cell phone so he could talk to the children. On two occasions I sent food and gave gas money when he had the kids. Presently, I have not given money/food since Feb, after a year I removed him from the car insurance. Legally he needs to stay on my health insurance. He has struggled to find employment but he and a good friend have started business. He has a job offer currently and awaiting background check. He will be able to do his side business and the new position.

Present: I had conditions regarding R: timeline, mental health evaluation, STD testing and public apologies. It’s been a year and he has done mental health evaluation (diagnosis of bi polar and depression, on medication and in counseling), STD testing done. I have not gotten the public apologies that I have asked for. He asked if we could talk the timeline out instead of him writing it. It seems to help him talk it out versus writing. I was fine with that but let him know that I would be writing things down. He was fine.

I had a tree trimming party for the kids. He came. We had a blast it was great. Once the kids were settled in their room he and I talked for 3 hours. I expressed (again my need for him to lean in when thing are hard emotionally). He says that he withdraws because he feels like he needs to fix it for me and since he can’t he shuts down, few days later, we have an emotional interaction he does not lean in. I say fuck it. A day later he calls, apologizes and we talk. He shows up to fix things, helps extra with kids, we talk to the point that he falls asleep at my house. We are still not intimate but it feels good to talk to him. Feels like we are rebuilding a friendship. I am learning to let "fix" his stuff and not take it as my own (his financial issues). He is learning that I need emotional support not "fixing" my issues.

To top the emotional and mental chaos, I have a raging case of baby fever. And I am trying to process that. NO, I’m not getting pregnant as I am NOT doing anything to get pregnant. And I have not had real discussions with WH about it as I know we are not in the place to seriously contemplate it.

Chaos post regarding "happy hangover" hit home. Because I am not sure if that is what happening for me. I am enjoying spending time with him. I enjoy the family time. I am LOVING the holidays. I hosted Thanksgiving for my family (he did not come). I am hiding small gifts for the kids during the week, hanging out with girlfriends, baking cookies. I am WONDERFULLY excited about gift giving this year. He wants to be here for Christmas. Financially he will be contributing the small gifts that kids like (socks, their fav body wash, candy, etc.).

We discussed that if we got thru the timeline discussions by the end of the year we will consider marriage counseling after the New Year.

Sigh...not sure what I am looking for here guys. Am I asking for perfection?Should I expect him to get it all right since I feel like what am asking is healthy? Am I not giving room for his humanity? Am I reflective enough about my role in healing the relationship/marriage? Am I willing to let down my guard? Should I let my guard down? Is this true progress? Am I in the throes of happiness hangover?

Thanks for listening.

7 comments posted: Thursday, December 9th, 2021

Frustrated with him and myself

WH’s life is awful right now….no job and massively behind on every bill. He has contributed $200 towards the two younger kids since August. He has not contributed to our oldest (in college) since I left last year. I still pay for his cell phone, car insurance and health insurance. I have given gas money on two occasions and sent food over to his house on more than a few occasions when the kids have been there. I continue to do those things because of our kids. They face time him daily. We live within 8 minutes of each other, and he often picks them up from bus stop to spend time with them.

Since I left…I have brought a home, got a Director position in higher education, paid off a car, paid off several credit cards, furnished my new home, saved a very comfortable amount, paid for our oldest son’s tuition (community college), car insurance and car note. Oldest does contribute $300 towards his own expenses. I just passed my prospectus (initial defense) for my doctorate. I just did a trip to Vegas with my girlfriends. I have a few "mini" trips planned over the next few months. I am in therapy two-three times a month. I am NOT dating, talking to anyone, etc. I am really trying to focus on my healing and recovery.
I had the following requirements for reconciliation: timeline, STD testing, full physical and mental health evaluation, public apologies and counseling. He has done the mental health eval (diagnosis of bi-polar disorder and depression),and some counseling. He has done nothing else.

He does not financially contribute to the children so there have been things I have asked him to do around the house so I don’t have to pay someone to do. He RARELY does them. Today he was supposed to come sand down some pallets so a base can build for our middle son’s bed. I have been asking him to do it for at least a month. It still didn’t happen today. I confronted him….and got:
That he was tired of everyone telling him what he wasn’t doing was enough. He had a lot stuff he needed to get done today. He then ran down a litany of things and bills he was behind on. And I am in my house "living good". That even though I don’t have "extra" money (I have been VERY vocal about his need to start helping) that my bills are paid. According to him… I am living "really good" while he is behind on everything. And he is now applying at fast food jobs because he is desperate. No one understands, I don’t understand, I don’t care , etc. I started in on my usual "I am helping you even after all the shit you did to me…" But realized it wont make a difference. I just told him I’m sorry shit is hard for him and I will pray for him. Hung up and blocked him.

Why can’t I seem to stop caring about this person whose actions have shown me that he can’t/won’t return the same care and concern? Just so fucking exhausted of MYSELF. I don’t want to keep spitting in the face of God and the universe by continuing to help someone who so obviously isn’t doing the work to be better? I thought to myself…if he had done the shit I needed to reconcile we could be in this home together and working through his job search/struggle together. Then I thought HE would NOT do this shit for you. When I had to take mental health leave from my last shitty job (my therapist pulled me out of work and asked me to consider a residental mental health stay somewhere) after his OW tried to kill me, miscarriage and deaths of family and friends. He continued to lie and talk to women on line.

I am not with him, I’m not sleeping with him, he doesn’t live with me so I am not in danger of the having contact. BUT FUCK! Why do I still care? Why do I still give a fuck about his hurt? His pain? Sigh… I know this is process and that I am doing the best I can. BUT WHY IN THE FUCK COULDN’T/CAN’T DO THE FUCKING WORK?!?!?!?

14 comments posted: Monday, October 18th, 2021

Mod please

Assistance requested. Thanks!

1 comment posted: Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Vent-He is such a d!@k

We have a custody agreement. But I make it a point to let him have as much access to the kids as possible.

Miss the kids? come by

Son broke up with his girlfriend? Come by

Father's day and your daughter wants to cook you breakfast and have a sleeper? SURE! Sleep in the family room with all the kids and I will help them make you breakfast.

You don't have food at your house for them and my daughter is worried about you? Sure I will buy you groceries.

Can't pay your child support? Sure I can make do with what you're able to give because I still want the kids to be comfortable at your house.

I really really REALLY FUCKING try to be a good co-parent. And put our kids first. They did not ask for this shit.

It's his weekend. I asked last week could have them for a few hours on Saturday for a family party. THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I HAVE DONE THIS. I reminded him on Wednesday and Friday. Saturday comes and it's "The kids say they don't want to go and my dad brought movie tickets". I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR DAD OR THOSE DAMN TICKETS. So we get into it. But I get the kids and take them to the party.

This is AFTER google reminds me of the photos that his OW sent me this time last year and that I have to go back in for another check-up to make sure the fucking STD their nasty disgusting dirty asses gave me didn't cause lasting damage.

Our daughter takes art lessons...I pay and say daddy and I decided you can go back.

Oldest is driving and doesn't want to go over as much. dad and I decided that you don't have to go during the week but you have to go at least one night during the weekend because we are paying for the car and the insurance...REALLY I AM PAYING FOR OUR SON'S CAR AND INSURANCE BY MY DAMN SELF

He says our son should do football... son says he doesn't want to(doesn't give a good reason) and I say "we have made the decision and you doing it" because ASSHOLE shouldn't be the bad guy because it was a joint decision.

He is at work when our son has to be dropped off and picked who does it? Me and the oldest.

He was supposed to get the damn physical form filled out...he hasn't done it.

I brought all the equipment and THE SIZE 17 CLEATS our son needed.

Emails go out about extended practice and participation....before I commit to letting our son do it I send a text to the ASSHOLE to clear it. NO RESPONSE. I wait 2 hours..because I am really sick of dealing with him this week. then I call because I have to rearrange MY work and school schedule to accommodate the change.



Lots of bad words and name-calling. DAMMIT! I sent the text so I wouldn't have to speak to the asshat. He is such a cowardly, emotionally immature, blockheaded, lazy fucking cock-wobbling douche canoe shithead!

Thank you SI family... I needed that!

Back to taking the high road for the sake of my kids....

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 9:16 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

3 comments posted: Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Loving Limbo

I am living separately from WH and will continue to do so for at least the next year. Loving my new house. Kids are doing good. They returned to school in March and they have been loving it. Eldest didn’t do that great his first semester in college but we are regrouping, and he plans to go back in the fall with a better plan . He is loving his part time job, HOPEFULLY getting his license next month. The DMV here is backed up for skills test appointments. Join the neighborhood pool association so I can start taking water aerobics.

I am moving into capstone/dissertation phase of my degree and I am excited. Work is going well, and I was head hunted for another position that I am considering applying too. We will start sharing custody of the dog in a few weeks and move to 50/50 custody for the summer.

WH has been diagnosed as having Bi-polar disorder. He is in therapy and on medication. The last few weeks have been good. He visits and hangs out pretty regularly. I am still in therapy too.

I am solidly, happily and FIRMLY in limbo. I don’t know about my marriage. And I’m SO OKAY with that. I am enjoying my time with kids, enjoying my time when they are gone, enjoying when he comes over but loving it when I can say I have had enough of you…enjoy the rest of your evening and tell him to leave. I do miss sex….LOL. but not enough to muddy the waters with him and I’m still married so someone else is never an option.

But honestly…no sex seems like a pretty light trade off for what I have right now. Healthy great kids, job I really like and the prospect for another, new house and a good therapist. LOL. This weekend my BFF’s are coming over for a dinner and bon fire. Next weekend I am having my girl scout troop for a sleepover, weekend after that I am hosting a father day cook for my family, weekend after that taking kiddos to the beach for weekend. It will be my first solo trip with them

I have no clue what going to happen with my marriage, and I am OK. To those who think NOT knowing is hard…it doesn’t have to be. Become completely selfish…do therapy, read what you want to read, eat what you want, travel, etc. One of the biggest perks…I brought a Cal king bed for the new house and I have 15 PILLOWS! Yup, all the frilly, cutie, pillows of all different shapes. I LOVE IT! 😊

He says he is doing the work. It looks like it but that’s not my business. LOL. It’s his. I did say after 6 months of therapy and medication we could possibly revisit marriage counseling…but for right now I am having TOO MUCH fun living in limbo. 😊

13 comments posted: Thursday, May 27th, 2021

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