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Newest Member: Tortex

Notmine

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

Tired of living the life of the BS of a sex addict

I don't post much anymore, life has truly gotten overwhelming, but I am just so freaking tired of living with a sex addict. I am overwhelmed with really hard emotional stuff right now - my dad is dying and he lives 540 miles away from me. My husband, sex addict and former cheater, is overwhelmed too - his mom is also dying and he is really close to my dad. Since DDay, my husband has worked very hard every day to prove to me that he is worthy of the marriage. He attends meetings, goes to therapy, does all of the right things etc. Recently, however, he has been engaging in risky sexual behaviors (self-pleasuring, which HE has put on his SA list as risky to his sobriety). Twice in the last month. It has been something that he feels is not dangerous unless mixed with porn, but due to his issues with shame and sexuality, he and his therapist have decided that he should abstain. The problem is not that he has done this, it is that he has been dishonest about it. Until now, he has been rigorously honest (as far as I can tell, and I check as best I can) since he got into his 12 step recovery program for sex addiction 5 years ago. Now, the trust I have been able to build, which is tentative at best, is in real jeopardy.

Since DDay, dishonesty has been on the list of unacceptable behaviors for me. Not only has my husband been dishonest, I have had to pull the Information out of him as he is not forthcoming about it. He has not been engaging in trickle truth, thank God. When I ask he admits to it, but he is lying by omission. He says it is shame and fear that keeps him silent. However, I cannot begin to express how much this triggers me and how unsafe I feel. His therapist, who is a CSAT, says that it is not surprising that he has slipped (with regards to the self-pleasuring) due to all of the things we are dealing with, but the dishonesty around it is not acceptable. DUH! Honestly, I am so incredibly irate that now, when I am in this kind of despair, he chooses dishonesty and selfishness. I get that this is a fucked up coping mechanism, but how long do I have to wait until he finds a healthy alternative? It's been 5 years!!!!!!!

I am in recovery - alcoholic - 23 years sober, and I know addict bullshit when I hear/see it. This man has 25 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol. It seems to me that he should be able to generalize the tools that he has been given and use them to deal with the sex addiction as well. If I equate this with alcohol, I would say that he has bellied up to the bar and ordered himself a drink...but has not actually consumed it. Not safe. Add the dishonesty to it and you have a BIG RED FLAG. He has upped his meetings and therapy sessions and time with his sponsors, but the damage has been done.

Thoughts?

AND, BTW, thanks so much for your kind support in the past. I am grateful for all of you.

6 comments posted: Monday, December 27th, 2021

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