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Divorce/Separation :
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 2:16 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

This is what my divorce feels like right now. Explosions happening all over. Another explosion going off before the others are finished. And then another. Trial is set a few weeks from now. Numerous Court hearings and more depositions before that. And another (USELESS) attempt at mediation. One of the hearings is because stbx is refusing to provide his latest financial discovery. As if that's a choice he has. I have to pay for a (bleep)ing hearing for this.

I knew it was going to be this way. This was one of the reasons I dreaded filing. I knew standing up for myself (after years of "tolerating" his abuse) was going to set STBX off.

I don't want to go into too much detail, but I may eventually, just to vent. The latest: My own attorney has had to hire 2 separate attorneys to represent her; one personally and one professionally. She destroyed stbx in deposition a few months ago. He is now going after her as payback. He's trying to have her thrown off my case and ultimately disbarred. She has even installed cameras around her house for extra security. She believes he is having her followed.

I couldn't make this up if I tried. I'm trying not to look too far ahead (as in, even when this is over, he will keep me in court for years and years appealing and appealing and appealing). I'm taking deep breaths and taking it one step at a time. Watching what's left of my savings dwindling away. I cannot compete with stbx financially, and my long-term concern will be that he will simply outspend me and I will have no choice but to make a decision, not in my best interest, based on finances.

I know some of you here have dealt with extremely disordered exspouses. Any support from those who have been there... Tell me I will get through this, and that the money isn't that important...

Oddly, I still feel very peaceful. I'm just so tired, and I'm starting to lose sleep. Waking at 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. every morning, and not being able to get back to sleep. Disturbing dreams. Last night, I was back in my marital home, with the new owners, and walking around my old neighborhood. I remember every vivid detail. I woke up feeling extremely sad. How the fuck did I get here. Why the fuck did I marry this asshole?

Thank God for my children. Even if I walk out of this penniless, I will never regret my beautiful children.

Pity party anyone?

He isn't going to break me. I'm not the Bleep he married. F him.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:26 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Tell me I will get through this, and that the money isn't that important...

You absolutely WILL get through this.

And just keep repeating - what price freedom?

The money will work itself out Bleep. It almost always does. And every cent you spend getting this douche deluxe out of your life is money well-spent.

Another thing I liked to remember when I was in the middle of things is that I have literally survived 100% of the bullshit life has thrown at me. Those are really good odds in my favor.

Hang in there and vent away honey.

He isn't going to break me. I'm not the Bleep he married. F him.

Seriously. Fuck that guy.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8667479
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Wow. Just wow.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

The one thing that I focused on, which oddly helped me, was that the goal of all of this legal maneuvering is simply to divorce yourself. You have a right to a divorce and that's the first step to you getting your freedom from him (although, it sounds like he will go to great lengths to harass you further).

I have to wonder if this is going to bite him in the ass. One would imagine that a judge would not take kindly to such abuse, especially since he's now going after your lawyer.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8667483
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:15 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Definitely ask for your atty fees to be paid by him every time he loses in court.

Keep pushing forward. You got this. And yes, our children are our biggest blessing from the chaos.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5367   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8667488
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

The latest: My own attorney has had to hire 2 separate attorneys to represent her; one personally and one professionally. She destroyed stbx in deposition a few months ago. He is now going after her as payback. He's trying to have her thrown off my case and ultimately disbarred. She has even installed cameras around her house for extra security. She believes he is having her followed.

I take it your STBX is not represented? If he is represented, his attorney should shut down this nonsense right away. While they are on opposite sides of this case, most local bar associations are pretty fraternal and it's mostly colleagial.

I always found my ex was the most unhinged when he was not represented. He went through multiple attorneys.

You will get through this. Do get it written into your MSA that the party that is found in contempt pays ALL attorney fees (yours and his).

In most jurisdictions, the property settlement cannot be amended once finalized (unless there is proveable fraud). Alimony, child support and the parenting plan IS subject to amendment but most jurisdictions do not allow amendment until after a certain amount of time has passed or only in the case of a substantial change in circumstances.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32945   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8667498
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 4:46 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

I take it your STBX is not represented? If he is represented, his attorney should shut down this nonsense right away.

He IS represented, by a big fancy firm, twice as expensive as my lawyer. They are not keeping a rein on him, obviously. His latest tactic is downright unethical, and my attorney is aghast that his lawyers are going along with it. (After seeing what they are billing him, I think they are just letting him run with anything in order to make money) The personal attack stbx is doing on his own.

Another thing I liked to remember when I was in the middle of things is that I have literally survived 100% of the bullshit life has thrown at me. Those are really good odds in my favor.

This is great, Ellie. Thank you.

I have to wonder if this is going to bite him in the ass

Barcher, thank you for chiming in. My stbx is clearly trying to outdo your exww. My lawyer told me last night that this makes his side look unethical and abusive. And that the judge will likely be put off that this was brought into her courtroom.

Homewrecked, it is in my initial petition that if he becomes ridiculous that he will pay my attorney's fees in total. And my lawyer is putting it into her paperwork every time she has to answer to one of his attacks.

The next few weeks are only going to get crazier. I've taken to walking long distances whenever I can...and just breathing...

I'm also back in IC regularly.

Oh, and I am teaching myself French and Spanish. Why the hell not? It's a great distraction, and bettering ourselves is always a good idea.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:13 AM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Bleep- Keep fighting for yourself. Do not be scare of the NARC. They will eventually spiral out of control. He has lost control, and now he is going to fight and sue everyone, but the truth is all that matters.

Let your attorney worry about her own case and issues. You keep your eyes on the prize for yourself. Your attorney is a big girl, and she can handle herself.

My exWW's AP was a similar nightmare. Court hearings, DVs and orders you name it. IT cost him a bundle, but it eventually got settled. Someone will eventually check your ex, and you want that to be the courts or your attorney doing the checking. It will happen. He's used to getting his way, but that's not how the law works.

Keep staying strong. You will get through this sooner than you think. he will have to help you pay for some of the legal cost, so keep asking your attorney about that. I had to pay my ex's legal cost based on income, so if your WH has a higher income, he will have to pony up for you as well.

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:15 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

If he continues he may wind up in jail. As his rage eecalates and he continues to attack you or your attorney or anyone else he can, it will come back to bite him.

You may want to file charges against his law firm when this is over for unethical actions or some allegations for their role in this also. Perhaps your attorney can suggest charges you may want to lodge against them. The law firm also has insurance policies that protect them for abusive practices etc.

but know this may further enrage him. But you are not out of line filing charges against his attorneys for engaging in this abuse.

It could land you a nice settlement. Again once the D is finalized.

The more unhinged the STBXH becomes the more irrational the behavior. He may do something crazy that could land him in jail too. Be prepared for it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:28 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8667602
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

He may do something crazy that could land him in jail too. Be prepared for it.

This is my deepest fear.

My attorney has already asked for sanctions for his law firm for bringing this ridiculousness into court. I will look into charges after the fact, as long as it doesn't cost me anything (or much anyway).

He has lost control, and now he is going to fight and sue everyone

,

Spot on, HalfTime.

Things he has done since I filed for divorce that I haven't posted about: threatened to report me to child protective services, threatened to report me to the regulating state agency of my profession, threatened to report me to my employer (for things I haven't done, by the way). This is a guy who wanted me to go back to work full time. I did. Now he's trying to get me fired. The next day he attacks me for not taking a higher paying job. (It's going to be hard to get a higher paying job if I get fired, moron) I've already mentioned he's going after my lawyer in an official capacity. Threatened to get a restraining order against my good friend (because she told her daughter she didn't trust him). I read that book Splitting a while back. It reads like a script for stbx's actions.

He's most certainly becoming more unhinged.

I'm feeling like I should prepare for the worst. But how do I do that when I have to send my kids to him half the time... It's going against everything in my gut. I want them with me.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:52 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8667626
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 10:13 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

You may want to file charges against his law firm when this is over for unethical actions or some allegations for their role in this also. Perhaps your attorney can suggest charges you may want to lodge against them. The law firm also has insurance policies that protect them for abusive practices etc.

but know this may further enrage him. But you are not out of line filing charges against his attorneys for engaging in this abuse.

And perhaps a payout for mental distress and undue suffering? You may want to start documenting every night you woke up too early. It might come in handy if you ever feel the need to go after this.

posts: 5026   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
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J707 ( member #63778) posted at 1:59 AM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

I was thinking with his recent cancer diagnosis, does he just want to create more crap just because? From the sounds of it he doesn't need an excuse but the thought crossed my mind.

Also a thought on your sleep. Can you go back to post Dday "remedies" that worked for you during that time? Earlier this year I was waking up at 3 every morning. I told myself I did this before and thought about what I did to get a better sleeping pattern. Hang in there, the finish line is near!

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8667682
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

Can you go back to post Dday "remedies" that worked for you during that time?

I don't remember how I slept during that time. That whole period of time is pure trauma, and just flashes of memory at this point. I can't tell you how many times I said "I don't know" during my deposition. I felt like an idiot. But it was the truth.

I don't think he's creating chaos "just because." I used to think he loved women, and that's why he cheated so much. But looking back, I realize he really hates women, almost as much as he hates himself. His only source of validation is from women's attention. I think he hates them for it. Because he still feels empty inside, therefore it must be their fault.

And when my (female) lawyer put him in his place, I think he became like a cornered animal. And now he is lashing out for revenge. Like Halftime said, he is losing control. To be honest, he's been like this since we separated. I was never supposed to leave. I think my leaving him has been the greatest source of pain in his life. The abandonment fear became a reality.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8667688
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:38 AM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

Bleep, I have no advice ,but wanted to sending some positive thoughts your way. Your STBXWH is really losing it. Glad you are alert and keeping your wits about you. Record everything. You really are near the finish line. Hang in there. We are all rooting for you.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8667718
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cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 5:59 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

Fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith. I have been EXACTLY where you are. Once the judge sees what he's doing, it won't go well. Judges are not stupid. Do not feel bad about any of this. He's not functioning rationally. My ex husband cussed out my attorney two weeks ago. This will work out for you in the end. Keep your head up and don't give up!!

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8667802
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 6:50 AM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

I'm sorry you are going thru this, Bleep. Hang in there. It WILL end eventually!

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

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id 8667919
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:05 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

He’s lost control of you. Narcs HATE that.

He was humiliated by your attorney recently. Narcs HATE that.

The fact you are women - he hates that even more (apparently).

Loss of control is his trigger. Everyone will “have to pay”. His goal is “to win”.

This can’t end soon enough.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8667931
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 12:43 AM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

Having gone through something similar, I promise it will get better. My exWH was ordered by the court to have a psych evaluation because of erratic behavior as well. Only then did I realize this was 100 percent his issues and not mine. You’ll be amazed how the courts will see through things.

You’ll get through this.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 331   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8668076
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 2:20 AM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

My exWH was ordered by the court to have a psych evaluation because of erratic behavior

I've wondered what it would take for stbx to be required to have an evaluation. The thing is, he knows how to take a psych test, and pass. I don't know that personality disorder show up on a psych eval.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

((virtual hugs))

So so very sorry you are going through this!

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Chili ( member #35503) posted at 4:58 PM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

Sigh.

I'm sorry that all these moving parts have collided at once Bleep.

Just remember - he has never had (and probably never will) the kind of emotional maturity, coping skills, or inner strength to deal with his shit. Don't get me wrong - he has some real-world valid difficulties to deal with right now. But he has nothing in his toolbox to use but turning it outward. Maybe blaming, or finding the latest punching bag, or self-soothing with the current "pick-your-band-aid."

When I was in the thick of the legal stuff with assclown, it was all heightened by the trainwreck (that included serious health issues) he had made of his life. I was fully NC, but he found ways to screw with me as best he could. Wildly swinging from suicide threats to just sitting in my driveway overnight to disappearing and ignoring my lawyers and process servers. Dragging and dragging it out.

I too was at peace knowing my path was the right one and I had a team of various professionals and friends lifting me up and helping me get to the finish line. Doesn't mean I didn't spend a lot of that period in hyper-vigilance mode. Not knowing the next shoe that was going to drop. It's difficult to "prepare" yourself for the unknown, isn't it?

As for the money stuff...if you looked at my situation just from that perspective, one could say I got hosed. In the end, I basically paid him to go away and get out of my life fully. But if someone told me I could pay $XXX to get back Chili's sanity, mental health, freedom, peace, safety and at the same time buy me whatever future I wanted to make for myself? Yeah. Cost benefit was a no brainer. Even if financially I had to start back at Square 3, that was ok. It was all mine this time around. And it was damn sure going to be healthy.

Ok - I've rambled and rambled again. You really do have this Bleep. Protect yourself. Ask for help from your posse when you need it.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Loving flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

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