Bleep's Update
Hi wonderful supportive SI family,
I haven't been around much lately. The weight of this divorce has been crushing, and it helps not to talk about it any more than I must. I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, and the weight has begun to lift, so I thought now would be a good time to update.
As I've mentioned in other posts, a significant court chapter closed a couple of months ago. I did not prevail. It was a tough blow, and takes away some financial security, but it didn't completely destroy me. I've processed it and I'm ready to move on. The past few days, STBX and I have made significant progress divvying up the rest of our assets. I've given up a lot, and (in his eyes anyway, if not legally) he has as well. The one thing I will not bend on is child support. I need it. He owes it. There is no getting around it, legally, in my state. Our incomes are put into a calculator, and it spits out a number. That's what it is. Period. (I did allow him to underreport his income, in the interest of getting this done quicker. It doesn't make a huge difference in my monthly support, so I let it slide. It's not worth fighting over for 6 more months. His new attorney (his third!) appears to be a gentleman who wants a quick resolution. He also seems to have a knack for getting STBX to live in reality (nearly impossible for a narc BPD). He has already indicated that STBX is a very difficult personality. He asked us for a CS number so he can "sell it" to STBX, and we gave it to him. This was yesterday. My lawyer and I are waiting to hear back. There are a few other things STBX wants to fight over. We have indicated that if he does, we will take back the significant concessions I have given him, things I will likely win in court, and I will turn and demand similar things from him (I have my list).
I'm praying, I'm hopeful, I'm ready for this to be settled. Trial date is set a few months from now. It would be wonderful if we didn't need it.
Send all your positive prayers, thoughts, energy my way please.
In the midst of all this, I have continued to live my life as best I can. I took myself, over (American) Thanksgiving, to another international city I had never been to (My kids were with STBX for the week). For a week, I roamed the streets and museums and cafes. I even met a man at the airport. We were on the same flight to his city, and we ended up having dinner my last night there (We kissed! Apparently I'm not dead inside, haha, but still single by choice) We have kept in touch and will video chat this weekend. It's a nice little distraction, and we never know what our futures hold, right?
My oldest daughter will soon be 14, and she has indicated for the past 2 years that she no longer wants to go to her dad's house (she is bright and intelligent and mature, and sees him for who he is). She wants to live primarily with me, minimal visitation with Dad. Recently, she told me she is ready to testify in court if she has to. That's what my IC and I have been waiting for. It has to come 100% from her. I'm not sure how that will part will play out, but I'm hoping to get the assets/support settled first, and an agreement signed. I know that blindsiding him with court papers will appear confrontational, to him anyway. I'm thinking I will find a way to gently broach the subject... any advice on that from you good people is welcomed. This is new territory for me.
Thanks for reading. I'll try to update as things progress.
61 comments posted: Saturday, December 10th, 2022
Fireworks Show Grand Finale: Part Deux
Here is the link to my first thread:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/653894/fireworks-show-grand-finale/?ap=121
It's been over 8 months since I posted any updates on my divorce. I was in the thick of trial late last year. I still am. We haven't had a court date in over 7 months, as the courts here are very backed up, among other reasons. My side is done, but STBX is attorney keeps "needing" more time in front of the judge.
I largely stepped away from SI during these last months, as my mental health took a frightening turn. My anxiety escalated, and I began having panic attacks on almost a daily basis. At first I thought I was seriously ill, and I went to every specialist physician I knew and had a complete work over, EKG's, blood work, chest x-rays, ENT scope, etc. Turns out I am in perfect physical health... My brain had just reached its limit for stress. My IC advised me it was time to speak to my primary doctor. I'm happy to say I am under her care, and I feel like myself again. Sometimes meditation, exercise, and holistic remedies are not enough. Get help if you need it, everyone!
So a quick, but major, update. I recently found out that STBX sold a major asset which is in litigation in our divorce. He did this in the midst of a trial regarding THIS VERY ASSET and before the judge has had a chance to rule. Final court date is set, but has not occurred yet. My lawyer petitioned for a hearing which will occur in a few days, to protect the proceeds (which between you and me, I know he's already made disappear), and demanded discovery regarding the sale, and an injunction to prevent him from selling other assets. Yesterday, I get a call from my lawyer; STBX's attorney (FINALLY) filed a motion to withdraw as STBX's counsel due to "ethical issues" and irreconcilable differences. Make no mistake, his attorney is a slime ball; but it appears even he has reached his limit with STBX. I suspect he knows there is no way he can defend STBX's actions, which essentially are big double barrel middle fingers to the court. The only thing I can hope is that our judge does not grant yet another continuance, as STBX will be unrepresented with a trial date looming. STBX did this to himself, and he needs to eat it, Even if he has to go pro se.
I'll keep you posted. Both of these matters will be heard at the upcoming hearing. It's going to be a bad bad day in court for STBX.
18 comments posted: Thursday, June 23rd, 2022
Another rescue dog?
I've been thinking about this for months. When our family mutt passed 3 years ago, I planned on no pets for 1 year. 6 weeks later I was at the shelter filling out paperwork for my current rescue 😁. She is a very social 20 lb mutt. They called her "the little cheerleader" at the shelter because she would run around cheering up all the other dogs who were afraid. She was traumatized herself, healing from a broken leg and missing much of her hair. (She fluffed up within a couple of months at my house! It was amazing to watch). She has never met a dog she didn't like. Oldest DD is begging me for another small dog. I love the idea of two buddy dogs.
There is a Chihuahua available at a local rescue. They are requesting a home with another small dog, as the Chihuahua is very social as well. I'm tempted to fill out an application. More than tempted 🤦😬
For those of you who went from one dog to two, how did you find the adjustment for all involved, including the animals? I do work full-time, but have a teacher's schedule, so plenty of time off at home(holidays, summer, etc). My three kids are very gentle and responsible with animals, so I know that won't be an issue.
47 comments posted: Sunday, August 8th, 2021
Southern flannel moth caterpillar sting!!
This morning, at work, I leaned against a concrete wall and felt like I hit my funny bone in my arm. Did the usual rub and "ouch". But it wasn't going away. It got worse and worse over the course of an hour. The pain got so bad I couldn't stand it. I couldn't see a definitive sting mark, but I had these weird Goosebumps on the back of my arm and they were oozing clear fluid. Almost looked like just that 5 inch part of my arm was sweating. After declining an ambulance ride to the hospital, a co-worker drove me to urgent care, where a spider bite was diagnosed. I got all kinds of fun drugs and a tetanus shot.
Hours later, still in agony, painkillers not working. The center of the patch now looks like a dark purple checkerboard. WTH? So I take a photo and throw it up on the local mom's Facebook page. Within minutes I had five responses:. Southern flannel moth caterpillar sting. Sure enough I googled, and that's exactly what it looks like. Many relayed personal experiences. Umm, caterpillars are venomous? Who knew? And apparently the one that got me is the most venomous in North America! The Sting is worse than a jellyfish, any bee, or a scorpion. Feels like a blowtorch on the skin, check. Pain radiating up and down the arm all the way from the fingertips to the shoulder, check. Feels like the venom is in my bones, check.
It's been 13 hours and I am still in so much pain, and I took a narcotic 2 hours ago that should have knocked me on my ass. And a toradol injection at urgent Care that did absolutely nothing for the pain. I had a toradol injection when I broke my leg and it worked like a charm. This bleeping caterpillar trumped a broken leg!
Anyway, anyone ever experienced this? Just be on the lookout. Google photos. They are super cute and furry and your kids might be tempted to pick them up. DO NOT DO THIS. I wanted to cut my arm off a little while ago. It would have hurt less I think.
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:36 PM, July 26th (Monday)]
7 comments posted: Monday, July 26th, 2021
Would you date someone with an sti?
I met someone a few months ago who immediately put me in the friend zone because I'm still married. I respected that, and we've maintained loose contact since then. We did a hike a few weeks ago, and grabbed a bite another time. We text sporadically. Still completely in the friend zone, and no butterflies on my end. My head is just not there. I'm completely consumed with my divorce.
That said, he is very handsome and has his life together. Last time I saw him, he disclosed he has HSV2. Got it 12 years ago from a woman who did not disclose to him. It came out of the blue and I was not expecting to hear something like that. I'm thinking he told me so that I can have the full picture going forward. And I'm thinking that means he finds me attractive and is not opposed to possibly pursuing something later on down the line. I told him that I really appreciated his honesty, especially after the marriage I had.
I don't judge anyone based on a status like that, especially after going through what I've been through and having two STI scares myself. I also already carry hsv-1, which 9 out of 10 adults do at my age. Same damn thing, really. I've also had unprotected sex, and apparently I've just gotten lucky with other STIs. And I realize that condoms don't prevent all STIs, including this one. The fact that he disclosed said much to me about his character, and I admire him for that.
I don't know him well enough to know if our personalities would do well together in a romantic relationship, and I am months out from being legally divorced, and even further out from being ready to date again. I've just been rolling this over in my head. I would never want to reject somebody based on something they didn't have control over; something that says nothing about their value as a human being. Total abstinence is the only way to protect yourself from getting HSV2, and for most (I think) adults that is just not realistic. So I would hate to exclude this man because of that when he is a decent human in every respect (and super cute! 😁
. Then there's the other side of me that has been through so much, that I just don't know if I can handle picking up something I don't already have, and the future dating limitations and stress that would come with that. The good news is, I don't have to decide anything anytime soon, possibly ever if he ends up meeting someone.
There are schools of thought that say you are better off knowing somebody has something, and avoiding activity on certain days, than you are going out there dating and rolling the dice with someone who doesn't disclose, or someone who has it and doesn't know.
Part of what is giving me pause is that my trust in men is zero right now. I would not want to risk an STI with someone who's just going to ghost or betray in a few months, or years. But if he was the one for me, I mean THE one, with solid character and integrity, I wouldn't want him to get away because of a non life threatening skin condition. An annoyance really. I would rather be with a good man who has hsv2, than a shithead who is negative.
Thoughts? Would this be a deal breaker for you?
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:24 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]
26 comments posted: Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
Fireworks show grand finale
This is what my divorce feels like right now. Explosions happening all over. Another explosion going off before the others are finished. And then another. Trial is set a few weeks from now. Numerous Court hearings and more depositions before that. And another (USELESS) attempt at mediation. One of the hearings is because stbx is refusing to provide his latest financial discovery. As if that's a choice he has. I have to pay for a (bleep)ing hearing for this.
I knew it was going to be this way. This was one of the reasons I dreaded filing. I knew standing up for myself (after years of "tolerating" his abuse) was going to set STBX off.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but I may eventually, just to vent. The latest: My own attorney has had to hire 2 separate attorneys to represent her; one personally and one professionally. She destroyed stbx in deposition a few months ago. He is now going after her as payback. He's trying to have her thrown off my case and ultimately disbarred. She has even installed cameras around her house for extra security. She believes he is having her followed.
I couldn't make this up if I tried. I'm trying not to look too far ahead (as in, even when this is over, he will keep me in court for years and years appealing and appealing and appealing). I'm taking deep breaths and taking it one step at a time. Watching what's left of my savings dwindling away. I cannot compete with stbx financially, and my long-term concern will be that he will simply outspend me and I will have no choice but to make a decision, not in my best interest, based on finances.
I know some of you here have dealt with extremely disordered exspouses. Any support from those who have been there... Tell me I will get through this, and that the money isn't that important...
Oddly, I still feel very peaceful. I'm just so tired, and I'm starting to lose sleep. Waking at 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. every morning, and not being able to get back to sleep. Disturbing dreams. Last night, I was back in my marital home, with the new owners, and walking around my old neighborhood. I remember every vivid detail. I woke up feeling extremely sad. How the fuck did I get here. Why the fuck did I marry this asshole?
Thank God for my children. Even if I walk out of this penniless, I will never regret my beautiful children.
Pity party anyone?
He isn't going to break me. I'm not the Bleep he married. F him.
121 comments posted: Tuesday, June 15th, 2021
Serious medical complication, advice needed
Hi everyone, I've been commenting on other threads here and there, but I haven't made my own post in quite some time.
DD12 revealed to me that STBX is battling cancer. He and I communicate very little. He is generally overly dramatic about every aspect of life, including a biopsy he went for a couple of months ago. Since then, I've heard nothing about it from him, except that he went out of state for a surgery and is undergoing "therapy." (He's had lots of orthopedic surgeries, so I assumed this was yet another one.) It seems I was mistaken because he had a mass removed from his lung. Which I guess means lung cancer?
All I have for medical information is Google, and based on what little info I have, this could be grim for STBX.
I felt a bit sick at first, then I cried driving into work the next day. I don't love him. I stopped loving him a long time ago. It was more just an emotional release because this feels so heavy. I'm thinking about my kids, and what this could mean for our lives and our future. A swirl of crazy emotions.
We have some serious court dates coming up in the next couple of months. I guess what I need advice/info on is twofold:
1. From SI medical peeps, what do you know about lung cancer? It seems that 8 out of 10 times it is found later stage and prognosis is poor. When caught early, it's 50/50. Does that seem accurate?
2. I've already notified my lawyer. Our divorce is supposed to be wrapping up later this year. What do I need to hammer down in writing in the divorce, keeping STBX's health in mind. Whether he is here and very ill, or if he is no longer here, what financial safeguards do you recommend for my kids and me?
The past year (pandemic, etc) has felt like the Twilight zone... And with this news, things just get weirder and weirder.
Getting way ahead of myself, in typical Bleep fashion, even though stbx is a douche, the prospect of raising my three kids alone is frightening. Am I even up to the task... As if I have a choice.
Thanks all.
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:24 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]
53 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021
It finally happened! A married suitor. Oh what to do....sigh
I received a "like" on my dating app. And thanks to some kindergarten level Google sleuthing, I found him on Facebook. He is 12 years older than he is claiming to be. He is also happily married to what appears to be a lovely woman. He is currently in my neck of the woods, and she is back home in the Midwest caring for their medically compromised daughter (what a low life PIG!!!) I found all of this out inside of 60 seconds.
I have screenshotted his entire profile.
I found his wife's Facebook page and her LinkedIn. I also have an unconfirmed street address out west.
Alright expert SI peeps, what do you think is the most reliable way to contact her? I plan to send her the screenshots (undeniable proof), and I don't want them to get lost or end up in an unseen folder. I prefer to remain anonymous since even her husband doesn't know who I am, and he is local to me. I still have a fake Facebook account from post D-Day. I might even have a fake LinkedIn...
Any suggestions?
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:55 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]
33 comments posted: Tuesday, April 14th, 2020
Do as I say, not as I do. Onward!!
I'm usually the loudest voice to tell members here to take time to heal after heartbreak before dating again. But f*** it. I'm diving back in. I've lost decades of my life to cheaters already. Not one more minute.
I took some updated photos of myself (using my tripod and cell phone) and updated my OLD profile. (I also updated my Facebook profile pic. Which I hardly ever do. And never with a photo of my face. I got a huge reaction, because the photo came out great and nobody is used to actually seeing me, lol. So I got plenty of ego kibbles for myself and external validation which I normally don't give a shit about. I'll admit, it felt good in the midst of my heartbreak.)
Anywhoo... I reactivated my dating profile, and again it was like jumping into a shark tank. And yes, the same platform exSO is on, so I know he has seen me there. Good.
(Funny story, when I put in my search parameters, I get like 50 results in a 50 mile radius. 2 are ex SO and his best friend. The other 48 look like serial killers.)
A good friend met her boyfriend on Facebook dating. So I tried that. I've had two very great texting conversations with two men, and have lined up a date with each of them for this coming week. 
Resilience. A positive side of surviving infidelity. Definitely taking it slow and not looking for anything serious. I'm just not going to sit home and cry into my coffee mug while SO is trolling, and has been for months.
Yes breaking my own rules, but I don't care. Mehhhhh.... And not caring, that should be a good attitude to go into dating. Meet people and have fun. I'm done being sad. I've been sad for years and years and years. No. More. I'm. Done.
Cheaters can bite me.
That is all.
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:52 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]
15 comments posted: Wednesday, February 19th, 2020
Is this a DDay??? SO issues...
I'll give you the backstory and I will attempt to be fair on all sides and not view this through the sensitive lens of a formerly traumatized BS.
SO and I met on OLD 9 months ago. He was my first (and last) OLD first date. He's been dating on and off for years. On our 3rd date, he described himself as a rule follower and serial monogamist. He said he dates one at a time because he doesn't like to lie. I called myself the same. Nothing has ever given me an indication that he is not what he claims to be. He keeps his word. Shows up on time. Is a complete gentleman. Does not sell himself or talk about what a good man he is. His actions show that. He is physically affectionate and tells me everyday that I am beautiful. But he does not lay it on too thick. It's classy and a good balance.
We have not exchanged I love you's. (Although I've been feeling it the past month or two, for sure) We have not had "the talk" about being exclusive or deleting our dating profiles. I hid and deactivated mine a few months ago as I knew I liked him and didn't want to be bothered with other men distracting me. I told him I did this and I never asked him his status, even though I occasionally wondered.
Within a few weeks of dating, he introduced me to his family, adult kids, grandkids, in-laws, and closest friends. he incorporated me completely into his life and I had every reason to believe he thought of me as his SO. I introduced him to my parents and a few friends as well shortly after. We spend the night with each other at least once a week. We really only see each other when I don't have my kids and his work schedule allows. Usually no more than twice a week.
He has not yet met my kids, as I told him a couple of months ago that I wanted to make sure we were on solid ground, and that we were both ready for the fallout from STBX. He had never asked me about it, and agreed to go by my timeline. A few nights ago I told him that when my sister comes to town in a couple of months, I think that would be an easy casual way to introduce him to the kids, as he would be meeting my sister, and we will have been dating almost a year by then. I told him that I wanted to incorporate him into my life. He was completely on board and had no issue with it.
He is comfortable going into his phone right in front of me and scrolling through his text logs, showing me photos. He is always where he claims to be and often sends me photos of the mundane places he is (tire shop, his couch, out with a buddy). He is definitely a nerdy personality and not your typical smooth operator. In fact, he is a bit socially awkward at times, and we have both joked that he and I might be on the spectrum. As we have weird quirkly similarities about bright lights, noises, and scratchy fabrics.
Which is why I was completely blindsided early Saturday morning when a close friend called me and told me that SO messaged her close friend on our dating app. Introducing himself saying good morning. They went back and forth a bit and he described his life. Definitely him. Definitely the words he would have used. He was not hacked. It was just dumb luck that my friend was there when she got the message, otherwise she never would have known.
I was out of town when she called me, so I told her to have her friend arrange a date with him as he knew I was out of town. He said he couldn't that night because he had plans with friends (truth), but went on to tell her his days off from work and give her his personal phone number. She never responded. This morning he messaged her good morning, and again she didn't respond. She's removing herself, now.
Now admittedly I'm a complete OLD newbie. I was on for a hot minute before I left. SO has been on for years and years. Even if this wasn't a DDay, I feel he should know after 9 months whether or not he is sure about me. Either way, this hurts like hell and I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I've had an awful knot in my stomach for 48 hours. It feels just like D-Day. I have forgotten how bad that was. I went dark and haven't texted him until a little while ago when I returned from my trip. A benign good morning (he works nights). Followed by a little small talk. Then I told him I needed to steal some of his time when he gets a chance. There are things on my mind I want to talk to him about.
I already bounced this off of a good male friend who is an online dating veteran. We both had the same idea. Play dumb and give SO the chance to lie to me. If he is 100% honest, then there is a chance we are just sucky communicators (admittedly I have held back due to my terrible marriage) like maybe everybody is supposed to have "the talk." I feel like he has held back as well. And if he lies, well then that's that. Lies are a deal-breaker. I don't plan to tell him what I know or how I know it.
We are meeting tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to screw this up by approaching this the wrong way. Help me, you good people. My stomach is in knots and I don't even know if I'm thinking straight.
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:42 PM, February 10th (Monday)]
97 comments posted: Monday, February 10th, 2020
