Newest Member: InkHulk

barcher144

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

selling rings?

This is mostly off-topic... if the mods think that it should be moved elsewhere, please do.

I have two rings that I would like to sell. One is gold and then other is platinum.

Any suggestions on the best way to do this? I honestly have no clue...

5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

Book recommendations on recovering from Gaslighting?

I am about 5 years out from D-day and a full year post-divorce.

I am still struggling with the gaslighting though.

I got proof that one of my xWW's lies was in fact a lie. That is, I am not crazy. I was right all along. It's not even a major lie. Yet, I am still struggling for a few days because I still feel crazy and weird.

Does anyone have a good suggestion for a book to read on recovering from years of gaslighting?

Thanks!

14 comments posted: Monday, March 21st, 2022

Do you want a bit of a laugh?

I had a mini-argument with my ex wife this past weekend.

She was doing her normal, low-level parental alienation stuff. She got our son a gaming console as a gift for Christmas and then she refused to let him bring it to my home for the rest of the week. This is not explicitly a violation of our parenting plan, but it was something that we were explicitly taught to NEVER do during our custody evaluation.

I learned of her decision from my daughter, who my ex had texted to inform me of this decision. We are explicitly banned from communicating to each other via the children, so this *was* an explicit violation of the parenting plan.

So, I messaged my ex about both of these incidents, letting her know that both of these are hurting her children.

She responded with predictable vitriol. I am, according to her, hurting our children even more by occasionally showing up late to pick them up for my parenting time (not true) and that I have been telling them that I can't wait until they turn 18 years old so that I can stop paying child support. This latter accusation is very much not true; I am quite happy to financially support my children. In fact, I have never even had this thought, let alone said it out loud to someone else. The reality is that once they turn 18 years old, I will still need to support them financially because my ex wife will not. So, my effective "child support" will continue once my kids turn 18, albeit without my ex wife getting to control the funds and keep a portion for herself.

Anyway, that's all background for the punchline.

I eventually made a comment that she needs to get over her anger at me and to stop hurting our children a lot in a futile effort to hurt me a little (or not at all). I suggested that she follow the advice of our custody evaluator and to see a therapist to help her get over the end of her marriage. She responded with one of her funniest lines yet:

I should have divorced you a long time ago!

Ya think? You had multiple affairs (although she admits to only one) that occurred over most of our marriage. So, I responded in a very honest manner that I am sure cut her hard:

I agree that we should have gotten divorced a long time ago.

10 comments posted: Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Still struggling with "real vs. imagined"?

I figured that I would put this in New Beginnings because... well... it's relevant for my post-divorce life.

I now recognize that xWW was gaslighting me about her affairs... and although I don't remember many specific details... I am pretty sure that she was gaslighting me about a lot of the rest of our lives too.

Anyway, these days... I still find myself struggling with recognizing what is real versus what is not real.

I had a conversation with my attorney yesterday (we're appealing the judge's decisions on my divorce) and we discussed a few things that xWW said at trial. It was shockingly comforting to have a third person recognize that her statements were ridiculous. Meaning, I felt "less crazy" after talking to my attorney about things that xWW said at trial.

I know that some of you have been victims of long-term gaslighting like me. Have you gotten over it? Do you ever feel normal again?

I haven't lived with xWW for almost two years... and I am still struggling with recognizing reality.

26 comments posted: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Gender inclusive language?

Please forgive me if this is against the zero tolerance policy of no politics...

I am required to go through sexual harassment training at work. Part of the training is to use gender-neutral language...

The specific example was:

Do not say "pregnant women" but instead say "pregnant people"

Really? Am I crazy to thing this is going a little too far with gender neutral language?

[This message edited by barcher144 at 8:19 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]

224 comments posted: Tuesday, March 23rd, 2021

post-divorce loose ends?

Now that I am divorced, I am trying to remember all of the things that I have wanted to do for the last 30 months but I have not been able to do because the divorce was not final.

For example, I am going to work with my insurance agent to kick her off of policies that I am paying for (like my umbrella policy) and kick myself off of policies that have nothing to do with me anymore (like her homeowner's policy).

Are there other things that I should be doing? I am talking financial/practical loose ends, not the emotional stuff.

Thanks!

22 comments posted: Friday, February 5th, 2021

I am divorced!

My attorney just called me.

The judge awarded her a bit of alimony and a little more child support that we asked for... but nothing like she had been requesting.

My attorney said that I have a really strong case on appeal because the judge made an easily documentable error. I don't know if I will go that route because the amount of alimony is relatively small ($400 per month for 7 years) compared to the cost of an appeal ($10-20K).

Time to celebrate!

I'm SINGLE!!!

299 comments posted: Monday, February 1st, 2021

The waiting is killing me (a vent)

According to my attorney, the judge has 90 days to make his ruling on my divorce. According to my math, day#60 is next Tuesday. Day#90 is Feb 18.

I am almost there.

I really need this ruling. I want to re-start my life so badly.

(in other news, I think that my relationship with my current GF is now over... and I need to move out... another reason to get this divorce finalized!)

22 comments posted: Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

some general advice: check your credit

Now that I am FINALLY getting to the point where my STBXW becomes only an XW... I am looking forward to embarking on my new life more or less.

One thing that concerned me was that my credit rating has dropped by 100+ points in the last 6 months or so. I didn't think much of it at the time because I had been opening new credit cards, attempting to take advantage of initial offers for no interest. I used these cards to cover my legal expenses primarily.

Today, I checked my credit report using a "free" credit-checking website. I found a major issue...

I was listed as an "authorized user" on one of STBXW's credit cards... and she had maxed it out... and so this was a major issue on my credit report.

When we separated, I had removed her as an authorized user on all of my credit cards... but I didn't think about the fact that I could have been an authorized user on one of her cards.

Just something to check...

14 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020

The countdown has begun

Well, folks, I am getting ever-closer to the finish line that is divorced!

Attorneys had a deadline of last Friday to submit their summary document, which means that the judge's clock has begun ticking... he has 90 days as of Friday to make his ruling. That means, at worst, I will not be married in no more than 87 days!

I was able to get a copy of her lawyer's report today. It was a complete shit-show. And that's not my opinion, here is what my lawyer said:

The submission contains ZERO law. That is totally weird!

This is a court. We had a trial.

I will be sharing some more of the highlights soon, but the one that stands out to me is...

I have made about $10,000 in the last year working an extra job as a handyman to help pay my bills because the temporary order required that I pay her way more than I could afford.

Her attorney literally suggested that I should pay STBXW that very same $10,000 to help pay STBXW's legal bills.

That is, I worked an extra job to help pay my bills and STBXW's lawyer says that I should just give her that money...

13 comments posted: Monday, November 23rd, 2020

Parental Alienation: Hiding behind your kids

I have had a good deal of experience with parental alienation, unfortunately. I have read a good deal about it too and I watch videos online about it.

Recently, I saw a short video in which a parental alienation expert was talking about how the alienating parent "hides behind the kids" as a technique.

It occurs to me that my STBXW does this often.

For example, last week, I was not able to have my kids on my normal night because GF's older son was experiencing upper respiratory symptoms and we thought that he might have had COVID (it turns out it was "just" strep throat). So, I let STBXW know that it would be better if I did not have the kids last week and I said that I would be happy to have the kids some other night in trade.

She initially ignored my request to trade nights. Then, today, I emailed her back and let her know that we were COVID-free and that I would have the kids this weekend.

Her response was "I talked to the kids and they don't want to trade."

It was unnecessary... but it's yet another example of how alienating parents hide behind their kids.

One thing that I don't know... how should I be dealing with my STBXW who hides behind my kids? What do you all do?

17 comments posted: Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

I need advice about my daughter

If you don't know, my divorce is super high conflict. STBXW and I do not speak at all anymore.

Prior to the divorce beginning, my oldest daughter (age = 15) had been experiencing mild mental health issues for a year or two.

After the divorce began, DD15 started experiencing more severe mental health issues... and STBXW suggested that she speak to a family friend, informally, whereas I got her into see a therapist. The therapist has helped, quite a bit.

To give you an idea of STBXW's mentality, she literally testified in court that I was a jerk for "forcing" DD15 to see a therapist but that STBXW was a wonderful mother because she now takes DD15 to therapy every week and it's been helping (I'm not allowed to take DD 15 to therapy -- it's scheduled on a day that is STBXW's parenting time).

I got a long email from the therapist today. DD15 is not eating well and apparently the therapist thinks that it is literally an eating disorder (DD15 does not have body image issues, according to the therapist). DD15 is also apparently hearing voices, but (according to the therapist) it is not likely to be schizophrenia (I don't understand why).

My GF is convinced that DD15 has Asperger's. GF is a high school teacher with a master's degree that included a good deal of education in psychology. She also has had plenty of experience with students (especially girls) with Asperger's. Also, I suspected that my daughter was on the autism spectrum throughout her early childhood, to the point where I even asked her pediatrician about it.

What would I like to do? I'd like to get DD15 into see a psychiatrist, but STBXW almost certainly won't allow it (because her self-image can't stand to have a daughter who sees a psychiatrist) or she won't let me take her (because she has to control her children).

Any advice on how to proceed? I am talking more about how to deal with my narcissistic STBXW more so than the medical side (but medical advice would be fine too).

15 comments posted: Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

New trial date has been set

I emailed my lawyer last week, letting her know that I have a new address (I've moved in with GF).

She responded by saying that we have trial scheduled for Sept 24. Nothing more than that...

I figure that I might as well start a thread now.

183 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020

Brag post: No more antidepressants!

This is a new beginning of a different kind, although it is definitely infidelity-related.

After D-day in August 2016 (and even before... because of the red flags), I fell into clinical depression. The ride on the depression roller coaster was not fun; it included a lame-ass suicide attempt in August 2017. The low point was not the suicide attempt; it was when I was placed on Abilify, which basically slowed my brain down so that I no longer had a will to live.. Then, when we started tapering me off of that drug, I experienced severe anxiety in addition to depression.

I was very lucky to have had a great psychiatrist (more correctly: master's level nurse practitioner of psychiatry) and after I went to the hospital... I found a great therapist too. By the time that I had gotten off of Abilify, the therapy was working and I was doing much better. Although I haven't had depression symptoms since May 31, 2018, STBXW deciding to get divorced in late August 2018 was yet another milestone as that was the beginning of the removal process for that cancerous blight on my mental health.

About a year ago, my psychiatrist and I decided to start tapering down my dose of antidepressant, slowing reducing from 100 mg/day down to 25 mg/day. Today, I spoke to my psychiatrist and we agreed that I am doing well and that I do not have to take any more Zoloft and that I do not even need a follow-up visit (she trusts that I will call her back if I start having trouble again).

So, here's to be both being depression and medication free!!! Woot!!!

18 comments posted: Monday, July 6th, 2020

Finding names associated with phone numbers?

I am in the middle of a high conflict divorce. Until recently, I had access to STBXWW's texting records (we had had a shared cell phone account).

STBXWW is claiming that she does not have a boyfriend, even though she has introduced a guy to our kids. This is pertinent for our custody evaluation.

I think, based on her texting records, that she is also seeing at least 2 other guys right now, perhaps more than that.

My problem: I know the numbers that she texts and the times/days... but I do not know the person associated with many of the specific phone numbers.

How can I do a reverse phone number search? I am willing to pay for an online account, but I would like a referral to a site that is legitimate.

Thanks!

13 comments posted: Sunday, July 21st, 2019

Catching the Unabomber -- Investigate what is missing

I have been watching the series about the FBI guys who caught the Unabomber on Discovery.

I hope this isn't a huge spoiler... I haven't seen all of it yet... but the guy for the FBI was looking at the Unabomber's manifesto and trying to figure out who he was.

He initially started with the direct data, trying to figure out the origins of unique words and phrases. This got him so far.

After that, he started thinking about topics that the Unabomber did not discuss in his manifesto. Things like... a family, relatives, neighbors. From this, I am assuming that he figure out that the Unabomber was a loner (like I said, I haven't gotten that far in the series).

This "look at what is missing" can often be helpful in interpreting data that you already have.

For example, I know that my wife invited AP to our house on June 30 at 9:04pm because she sent him a text (that I retrieved from her phone) that said "Come on over." I also know that she confessed to sleeping with him that night. I also know that he arrived in town a couple of days before that.

Now, logic suggests to me that they would have gotten together every night. I mean, they have been carrying on their affair via text for a year or so... wouldn't they get together as much as possible?

So, I checked the cell phone records.... there are no texts between them (or from her) between 9pm and midnight any of the days that he was in town. This morning, after a year of denying it, she admitted that he was at our house for three consecutive evenings and they had sex each of the three evenings.

Now, I have also noticed that they never texted between noon and 6pm on the days when he was in town. He had a hotel room. She has a job, but she has flexible work hours and an over-abundance of vacation time...and unlike the evenings, our son would have been in daycare. So, I am now convinced that they were together during the day too, although I can't get her to admit that (for now).

Anyway, here is my tip: think about what is MISSING in the evidence that you have. You might be able to catch your spouse and/or the Unabomber.

2 comments posted: Sunday, August 27th, 2017

Dr Fone question

A few days after D-day last year, I got a free trial version of Dr Fone and tried it on my wife's phone. It didn't turn up anything new.

I am wondering... would it likely/possible that re-using a paid version of Dr. Fone would generate different and more informative results?

2 comments posted: Thursday, August 24th, 2017

Dr. Fone questions...

My D-day was almost a year ago.

Sometime after D-day (a week or two?), I downloaded Dr. Fone and did a free trial version analysis of my wife's phone. It didn't show me anything new.

Question#1: I am wondering, though, if the free trial version is worthless?

Question#2: My wife got a new phone last week, giving me very good access to her old phone. If the free trial version of Dr. Fone is worthless... would it be worthwhile to apply it to her old phone? Mind you, all of the texts that I would want to see would be prior to D-day, almost a year ago.

1 comment posted: Thursday, July 6th, 2017

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