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Divorce/Separation :
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

keep documenting his antics and being transparent

OMG shocked definitely this^^^ These narcs are so weird. My exNPD told me I'm not allowed in his driveway anymore because I wouldn't meet with him.

I would do everything you are doing. Sorry you have to deal with batsh*t crazy behavior too and hope that everything works out soon.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8688635
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 8:42 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

My ex told me I had to drop the kids off in the street because if I pulled into her driveway she would have me arrested for trespassing. Of course when she wanted to take me to small claims court over medical bills that she never sent to me so of course were never reimbursed; she was furious when I told her she had better have the papers delivered by a professional since she was not welcome at my home and I would not be answering the door. She went on a whole diatribe about how childish/petty I was. In the end the whole world has to revolve around them and any deviation from that is not acceptable.

Yes, you are likely in for a horrible time for a while more, but it does get so much better once you are away from their abuse!

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8688643
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 11:30 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

He's either trying to rattle me, or he really is spiraling at this point and losing his mind, or what's left of it.

Or an unpleasant combination of "all of the above"? And don't forget the fundamental need of narcissists to be a victim!

All of this on the same day he filed paperwork, 4 weeks late mind you, stating that I can earn more money than what I am earning right now.

I cannot imagine this would get very far, but maybe I am wrong? I can't imagine how difficult it would be for a court to determine whether you were underemployed (as long as you were working full time). For example, it could probably be argued that all of us could find a higher paying job, right?

Do you have a recent work history (i.e., after the divorce petition was filed?) of making a lot more income than you are now? I have read way too many appellate court decisions over the past two years (these are publicly available for my state) and I have seen situations where a person was making a really nice salary but then quit (post-divorce) and then claimed they could no longer afford alimony or child support or whatever. I'd normally say this was an extreme example, but it was literally a doctor who quit her job (I think it was a woman) and started working as a receptionist at a nail salon or something like that. Usually, the courts take this into account if the person intentionally quit a good paying job to take a lesser paying job for no apparent reason other than sticking it to their spouse.

I'm going to seriously consider fighting for more custody of my kids.

I really encourage you to do this. You have an especially "special" narcissist... so my opinion is that you should shield your kids from him as much as you can.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8688663
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 11:06 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Any updates?

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1720   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8689101
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 12:53 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

"Any updates?"

A couple of days later, he texted me and essentially said that the accusation was just his way of showing me that anyone can accuse anyone of anything at any time. Doesn't make it true. Similar to what I have "done to him for the past 4 years.". I had an appointment with my IC yesterday, and she just shook her head and said, "He has completely rewritten history.". It's frightening how he perceives reality. Denies it completely. I have police reports, 911 tapes, witness testimony, you name it. But according to him, these things never happened.

CBS and HFOH thank you. Shortly after I filed for divorce, three and a half years ago, the security agent at the gate in stbx's community stopped letting me in to drop off the kids on his days. They insisted I had to call him directly and ask permission, as per his request. I refuse to do that, and since his house happens to be just inside the gate, I park in an exterior driveway and walk in on foot. F him. I'm still getting into his gated community without his fucking permission.

Barcher, I am currently working full-time, and actually went back to work full time during our divorce proceedings. I had retired from my last career, had earned a decent pension, and was trying to get my head straight for 2 years. I had completely lost my confidence and "didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up" lol. Plus one of my kids was not in school yet, and I did not want to put him in full-time daycare. At the 2-year mark, a light suddenly came on inside and I felt this intense drive to return to full-time employment. I got the ball rolling immediately, then Covid hit. As soon as things opened up slightly, I was able to complete my training. I was hired immediately. 😁 Technically, I am earning 25% less than I was before retiring. I moved to a new state, and my job pays significantly less in this new state. However, the cost of living is also less. I could not have tailor made a more perfect job to spend maximum time with my kids, schedule wise. I could work for a different agency and earn a bit more money, which is what stbx is complaining about. However, another agency would require weekends holidays and most likely night shift. Any increase in pay would be lost to all the child care I would need to hire. Not to mention I would never see my kids, which is not in their best interests. Still, I need to argue this in court. My lawyers have moved to strike his request, so hopefully it will end there.

I'm in full on prep mode and feeling confident. I am struggling with anxiety having to revisit some pretty painful memories during my preparation. But the only way out is through, right? I've got this. And when it is over, I will put my sick marriage behind me and never think of it again. At least not in any detail. It will be just a vague distasteful chapter of my life that I won't dissect.

My lawyers and I feel good about my case. So do the few close people I have told in real life. I've been warned to prepare for more stalling shenanigans from the other side, as a result. I pray the judge sees through anything like that, and we are ready and move forward.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:46 AM, Saturday, September 18th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8689116
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 3:11 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

With the prima facia evidence you have I think your chances of a positive outcome is very good. Keep at it.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4458   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8689124
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 4:31 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Still, I need to argue this in court. My lawyers have moved to strike his request, so hopefully it will end there.

I didn't quote all that you wrote, but some thoughts on this:

0. My guess is that the court won't strike his request. Instead, they invite his testimony and evidence and then weigh the decision after trial. This is just a guess... I am not a lawyer and I am not very knowledgeable about your case. However, from the court's perspective, there could be evidence to support his request... so why not allow that evidence to come forward?

1. The legitimate purpose of (modern-day) alimony is to compensate a spouse who sacrificed his/her career trajectory for the sake of the marriage/family. It would be particularly likely to be awarded in the case where the spouse needs additional education/training to re-enter the work force. It sounds like you sacrificed your career for the sake of the marriage/family and then you have done the training... and you have re-entered the work force, albeit at a lower salary. This is all reasonable and consistent... and I think that would "show" well in court.

Also, if I recall, you aren't even asking for alimony, right? So this would only affect child support? In that case, all of the other factors that you mention are pertinent. You are not required under any law that I know about... to maximize your salary. It would be different if you were a lawyer making 6-figures and then you quit your job and started making minimum wage at McDonald's.

Simply put, I think that you will do just fine in court with what you said (remember, your testimony on the stand literally becomes EVIDENCE).

2. He is basically asking the court to impute your income (i.e., project what your salary should be). I had to do precisely this because my xWW is only working 30 hours per week and the law in my state ASSUMES that every adult can work a 40-hour week. After I successfully argued that xWW *could* work a 40-hour week (i.e., she has no underlying health conditions, our kids have no underlying health conditions, a 40-hour work week is the standard work week for her career choice)... then the judge had to figure out what her full-time salary would be. There, I was lucky because I had deposed her boss who said that he would happily hire her full-time at the same pay rate. I'm guessing that your STBXH has no evidence like that... he's basically just complaining that you aren't making as much as you could.

One thing that I would suggest is that you compare the difference in child support at your current salary versus some projected salary that he thinks is more appropriate. It's probably not a big difference. It's worth knowing and bringing up at trial so that you can show how unreasonable your STBXH is...

I am struggling with anxiety having to revisit some pretty painful memories during my preparation. But the only way out is through, right?

Yes, but take care of yourself. If you can take a day or two off from work after the trial, then do that. You should probably schedule an appointment or two with your therapist for immediately after trial. I definitely struggled with my mental health for a day or two after trial... it was very triggering to revisit all of that trauma.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8689375
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 1:41 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thanks bpguy.

Barcher, I have two appointments with my IC next week, one the day before and one two days after trial.

And yes, he is simply complaining I am not making as much money as I possibly can. The difference in child support would be minimal, well zero actually because of the child care issue. Making more money is not an option. I remember your wife's 30 hour work week issue. I'm glad that worked out for you!

True to form, we are at the 11th hour and they have filed another wacky motion. They want to bifurcate the divorce; have the judge declare us legally divorced before we settle asset distribution. They accuse me of more things I haven't done (that we can prove I haven't done, and that in fact stbx did!), And cite his recent health diagnosis as an issue. Widespread school of thought is that the other spouse gets screwed financially when these things happen. His only motive can be to prevent me from getting something I'm entitled to, should he pass. Or to drag things out indefinitely and get rid of assets. We are objecting. I pray this doesn't delay the proceedings. Right now it shouldn't. And I hope it helps paint the picture of who stbx is. There is so much already, and the judge doesn't know a fraction of it. She will hear much (hopefully all, but there is a lot and we will likely need a second day) of it next week and then should have the full picture.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:42 AM, Thursday, September 23rd]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8689812
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:31 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thanks for the update. They're trapped in a corner for sure. The judge needs to keep them there.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4458   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8689818
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:44 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

I’m sorry you continue to be harassed by the STBX.

But when the narc loses control — well let’s just say his day is coming and it’s not without some consequences. Hopefully his shenanigans cause him some serious wallet hitting consequences.

And you and your attorney prevail. smile

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8689835
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 1:37 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Good luck! I'm thinking about you and sending all the mojo that I can.

The bifurcated divorce sounds like a way for him to further manipulate the situation... hopefully the judge does not allow it.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8689842
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 2:43 AM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

This is such a nightmare. I'm weary. I'm tired of my stomach being in knots. I am a cautious practical person by nature. I am not a risk taker nor a gambler. I've never even bought a scratch off ticket. The difference between me prevailing and not prevailing are night and day, financially.

We're going to need more than one day for trial, I'm sure,. Which means I'm looking at least another four or five months of this. Then there will certainly be an appeal, at another 18 months to that.

WTF. I'm so tired...

I don't know if this is true, but stbx claims his illness was caught early, but aggressive. Possibly metastasized to his liver (overheard by a third party). I cried. What a mind fuck. One of the reasons I cried is because even if it is true, here I am not fully believing him, because he is the boy who cried wolf. There have been so many lies and manipulations, that I don't believe a word he says about anything.

I had a quote at the bottom of my profile for a while. "A liar's biggest punishment in the world is that even his truth is rejected."

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:05 AM, Friday, September 24th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8689943
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:51 AM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Love the quote. Stay strong. Get exercise and plenty of fresh air...

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4458   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8689947
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:34 AM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

You have the support of everyone here at SI. We are more understanding of your situation and know you will face this head on. And prevail.

The STBX has continued to play games and has set himself as a jerk in the judge’s eyes. He’s lost credibility already.

My mother always said "every dog has his day". The STBX and his attorney is playing with fire and he’s going to get what is coming.

It’s just a matter of time.

Keep hanging in there. Don’t feel bad b/c you don’t believe a word he says. He created that situation. Not you. He is ill - he’s not ill. He’s just not your problem anymore. And doesn’t deserve your concern or tears.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8689999
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BetterTimesAhead ( member #70001) posted at 2:12 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

I'm sorry you are going through this WhoTheBleep. I fear I am in for a similar situation. I just filed and WH has already told me he doesn't care if he ruins his credit score he will fight me if he doesn't think I'm being fair and reasonable (not sure how this would affect credit but you get the idea).

I am not currently working and am concerned about my financial outcome as well. I just keep telling myself that no matter what, at least I will have some peace and maybe even some happiness and dare I say love with someone new. Many hugs to you - i think our WHs are very similar and Ifeel your pain. Stay strong.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Filed for D 9/2021
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 625   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8690018
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 8:35 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

All of these delays are very annoying and they are very much a control tactic.

One suggestion, which is not easy, is to try and establish your "new life" as best as you can under the current circumstances. It gets a lot more difficult if your financial situation changes substantially depending on the outcome of the trial. Still, there are parts of your life that do not depend on money and I would start on those areas if you can.

I know... this sucks. It feels like you are in "pause" mode.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8690489
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 WhoTheBleep (original poster member #49504) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Bifurcation denied. Win there.

Day 1 of trial (and my most difficult testimony) behind me. I had a couple of reprimands early on from the judge because I am used to testifying in criminal court, not civil. My style was more narrative, and judge wanted quick bullet points. I needed to take a break and reset my brain. When we were back on, I was in the zone and nailed it for the rest of the day. Got out most of what I wanted to, didn't fall into any traps set by opposing counsel (easily avoided when you're telling the truth!) and will be sure to get out the rest in a few weeks when we resume.

Haven't slept well in a couple of days. I'm hoping I can catch up this weekend.

All of my cash is gone, and I am officially in the red, except for investments and house equity. F*****ck...

The judge was clearly irked that we are at a full-blown trial. She wanted us to settle. She doesn't know that stbx is a terrorist... And you can't negotiate with a terrorist. (Did I hear that here...?)

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:23 AM, Thursday, September 30th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8690955
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 5:34 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

You’re killing it, WTB. Hang in there. Wishing you pleasant dreams this weekend.

No offense to your judge, but there’s no ‘settling’ when it comes to people like your stbx. Something tells me that this is the first trial she’s ever had dealing with a narcissist.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8690991
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 9:22 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Go Bleep Go!!

Bifurcation denied. Win there.

woo-hoo!!

Got out most of what I wanted to, didn't fall into any traps set by opposing counsel (easily avoided when you're telling the truth!) and will be sure to get out the rest in a few weeks when we resume.

Yes, that's fun, isn't it?

Opposing counsel kept trying (and failing) to trip me up. Ironically, my attorney didn't even try to trip up xWW but somehow did anyway.

All of my cash is gone, and I am officially in the red, except for investments and house equity. F*****ck...

Yep. Me too. My marriage ended (i.e., before the divorce began) with $17K in savings and no "debts" other than home mortgage and one car payment. After splitting the $17K with xWW and then all of my legal fees (which are still growing)... I am looking at 3-4 years before I'll be out of debt if I lose my appeal (and 1-2 years if I win my appeal). Still, it's worth it. You get your live your life in a city that isn't named "Crazytown".

The judge was clearly irked that we are at a full-blown trial. She wanted us to settle. She doesn't know that stbx is a terrorist... And you can't negotiate with a terrorist. (Did I hear that here...?)

My guess is that the judges know that divorce trials are always shit-shows because normal people can settle.

In hindsight, opposing counsel in my divorce repeatedly tried to portray me as "unwilling to compromise" throughout the 18 months prior to trial. My attorney basically did the opposite, showing as often as possible how reasonable I am and how we were willing to settle as long as there was a reasonable offer.

Anyway, good job... and take it easy on yourself for the next few days. Divorce trials are very emotionally taxing.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8691096
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 11:49 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Hi Bleep,
How are you holding up? Do you have a ruling yet regarding your Get-Out-Of-Jail case yet?
May wickedness be exposed and repudiated, and may the truth prevail. Strength.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 127   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8693229
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