Newest Member: zurichtime

HeartFullOfHoles

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time) Two adult daughters

Feelings are not facts

I've always thought that part of being an adult is taking time to reflect and see how my feelings align with actual facts. It doesn't change the feelings in the moment, but helps align them to reality over time.

This was a fundamental difference between myself and my ex. There were hints of this prior to her affair, but afterwards it seemed like for her feelings were facts and anything presented counter to her feelings was wrong, lies or just dismissed. She even would argue about what I was feeling .

Definitely a red flag/trigger for me going forward, but wondering if it is an indication of wayward thinking or some new way of empowered thinking?

9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Ex in your contacts list

I have always kept my ex under her real name and no special song, etc. in my contacts, though at times I certainly have been tempted. As I get closer to the point where I will legally never have to interact with her again I'm trying to decide should I just delete/block her number or put it under a special name (e.g. giving a French flair Voldemorte => "She who shall not be named").

Part of the reason for this is she is next to my sister and I have twice almost called her when trying to call my sister. Unlikely to accidentally dial Voldemorte . Thoughts?

28 comments posted: Friday, July 16th, 2021

Dating a WS?

Given the prevalence of cheating it seems that sooner or later we will find a WS sitting across the table from us trying to start a relationship. I think I would be okay if they were remorseful and had done the IC needed to become a safe partner, but their BS just couldn’t live with what they had done or if they came to this place after divorcing. What terrifies me is having someone like my ex sitting across the table who has no problem rewriting their history. The type of person who has no issue with outright lies to get what they want.

The first problem is how do you detect them? As many of us know an unrepentant WS can be very accomplished at deception and lying.

And second how do you get out of the relationship without teaching them how to deceive better in the future?

I appreciate honesty and want to be honest in return, but if my honesty allows them to learn to deceive better that’s also a really bad outcome. At times it makes me want to just be single the rest of my life.

Thoughts?

26 comments posted: Monday, June 28th, 2021

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