Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Filed for D 9/2021
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him
This explains a lot
WH still starts in on me with conversations about what I did wrong, how it didn't have to be this way, etc. Today he says "why does this have to be a problem for you?" I told him it's not a problem, it's a boundary and his behavior is unacceptable. Then he says "you don't have boundaries with me!" Just wow. He really believes he should just be able to do what he wants when he wants to and I should just be ok with it. No wonder this D is so difficult.
7 comments posted: Saturday, November 20th, 2021
First holidays since filing for D
How did everyone handle this? I feel as if my WH is expecting things to be as they always were but it is not going to happen. The only way the two of us and our son will spend them together is if we stay home, just the three of us. WH is not welcome at my family's gatherings and I really don't think I want to go to his family. Our son is 16 so he basically would be able to choose but I'm fairly certain if he chooses me WH will have an issue with it and end up putting our son in the middle. There is no legal agreement yet so how does this get settled? If my son chose WH for the holiday I wouldn't be happy but I would respect his decision so as not to put him in the middle, and I know I would still see him at some point.
My brother lives five hours away and has invited me and my son for Thanksgiving. That would mean no time for WH and our son on that holiday due to the overnight stay. How to resolve this? Just leave it all up to our son? Also doesn't feel fair to put that on his shoulders. This just takes all the joy out of the holidays.
16 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021
Served WH D papers one month ago and he is already making it difficult
I just don't understand this. He never fails to tell me what a horrible wife I am, how wonderful AP was (his soulmate - he loved her - was in love with her - is a better woman than I'll ever be) - he does not want to be with me. So WHY is he not making this go smoothly? He won't move out of the house. He is fighting even the process of divorce - says it didn't have to be this way. We should have used mediation (not an option since I don't trust him to be fair). He is still bullying me and trying to manipulate me into saying things about the settlement that would work against me. He tells me I a wasting money on the attorney who is just trying to make a fortune off me. He doesn't want to voluntarily pay some of my atty fees (he is the only one working) and would rather pay 5x more to go to court and have the judge order that he pay them anyway. WHY??? I feel like he's caused me enough pain and we should just get through this as fast as possible so we can get on with our lives.
My attorney has advised me to just not engage with him. When WH starts trying to discuss this, just tell him the attorneys are handling it. I basically have to walk out of the room to get him to stop coming at me trying to get his way. Any other ideas to get this to go more smoothly other than giving him everything he wants?
23 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021
Today is the first day of getting my life back. WH was served today. I still don't know what his reaction is. He hasn't mentioned it. So very sad it came to this but it needed to be done. Please tell me it gets better.
24 comments posted: Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Pushback on the 180
If anyone has followed my situation, WH cheated EA and PA for three years. I gave him about 18 months to see if he is R material - not even close
He always tells me how his cheating is my fault, how AP is a better woman than I'll ever be, how I'm a horrible person, a poor excuse for a wife and a poor excuse for a mother- you get the idea. Yet I haven't filed because about one week before, my son had a crisis - life or death crisis. That was Oct and i am waiting until i think it would be safe for him when i file (getting close). In the meantime, i am trying to 180.
Here's my question - what do you do when WS pushes back? Now he says since I don't do anything I have to pay for my car, gas, insurance. I do not work outside the home. He starts arguments all the time about how I'm trying to control him. He says he's done with me and only staying because it's best for our son yet he makes no attempt to be civil or be a better person or even just cordial. What do I do? I am stuck right now and need the 180 for my sanity (and it's a soft 180 - I can imagine his behavior if it was a hard 180). How do i deal with this? Do i just have to file and hope my son will not regress? TIA.
23 comments posted: Thursday, August 12th, 2021
Feeling sad today
Today is my 17th anniversary. We are not in R and due to other circumstances I have not been able to D yet but hope to do so soon. It is making me incredibly sad. A reminder of all the hope and promise that was just destroyed by WH. I know I'm not perfect and can use improvement (as can he) but I'm not an unremorseful cheater. Every day is a struggle and today is so difficult for me. Didn't think it would affect me this way. I thought I was passed this. There was absolutely no mention of the significance of the date and he has since gone to work and won't be home until late at night.
I'm trying to stay positive and have decided that I will give this day new significance. Without marrying WH, I would not have been blessed with my son so I will celebrate him - my son - and how lucky I am to have him. Looking for the silver lining.
6 comments posted: Saturday, June 26th, 2021
Think your wandering spouse is a narc? Read this book!
Dealing with the aftermath of WH's A has been difficult and confusing. His behavior makes no sense to me. His defensiveness, aggressiveness, coldness and yes, abusiveness seems the opposite of how a cheater should be behaving. Even if R is not in the cards, doesn't a human being try to lessen the damage they caused? I couldn't understand it.
Just found this book and have only read a few chapters but what an eye opener. It's as if they interviewed me and used my story as an example. It explains SO MUCH. It is more complicated than just NPD and to be honest, I've always felt that was just a little off. He definitely has NPD qualities but it was more than that. This book explains it.
The book (if I'm allowed, moderators, to say so) is called The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza. It explains so much. Another good one along the same lines is In Sheep's Clothing by George K. Simon, Jr. Ph.D.
I finally feel as if I am beginning to understand this. It is still unfathomable, but I understand the depths of his issues. I know how this happened. I know why he chose me as his target. I get it now. I still don't know HOW someone could treat me or anyone this way, but know what it's about. It gives me some peace and confidence to know the gaslighting and manipulation won't work anymore. These books are easy to read and I highly recommend them. Maybe they will help you as they've helped me.
21 comments posted: Monday, May 10th, 2021