Newest Member: Papi

BetterTimesAhead

Me: BS - 54 Him: WH - 55 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

Help with my son

I filed for D almost a year ago. It is going very slowly. We are IHS. Initially, my son couldn't stand his father and was all about me. Somewhere about a year ago (before or after I filed for D I don't know) he is now all about his father. He did a total 180 and I have no idea what happened. He only asks me for anything if his father isn't available. He does not choose to spend any free time with me and will do so begrudgingly at times if I ask him. I know his father speaks negatively to him about me based upon what he says in front of me (I can only imagine how bad it is when I am not present and what types of ideas he puts in his head). I do not know what to do to make this better. I have tried to get my son to talk to me but I get very little information about what the issues are. The pain of being sidelined by him is like another betrayal - him choosing the one who destroyed our family and basically ignoring me. He is 17 and I know boys will gravitate to all but the worst fathers at that age. But why the poor treatment towards me? Being human I just want to avoid the whole thing but I know that will not make things better. Of course STBXH is no help and actually makes things worse. What do I do? I can't bear the thought of losing my son too after all we've been through.

6 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022

So tomorrow is my wedding anniversary

18 years, the last six of which were turbulent. The ones before that weren't the greatest either. D is still pending, no settlement yet. This is the first year I am not upset about it since D-Day, and the first one since I filed for D. Progress I guess. I am going to a morning yoga class and will probably then get a bubble tea, treat myself to dinner. It will be weird not mentioning it at all. It was such an important day for so long and now it's one I'd rather forget. Going to give it new meaning now - getting my life back.

9 comments posted: Sunday, June 26th, 2022

Advice for my sitdown...

Finally, nine months after I filed for D, we are having our sitdown to see if we can get this settled. Unfortunately it does not seem likely but you never.

I was looking for any advice anyone can give regarding how to make this successful. I really want this done. I do not want to go to trial. I already know I am not going to get everything I want because nobody does and that I need to have priorities - that which I will negotiate and that which I won't. Any other advice? This is making me anxious.

26 comments posted: Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Opinions please...

I was watching a movie where the main character cheated with her best friend's fiance, and then the fiance left the best friend for the main character ( I did NOT know this was part of the movie but it was ok, they all got what they deserved in the end). The main character told her best friend "I am not sorry for what I did, but I am sorry that it hurt you". I was wondering what everyone thinks of this.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Third anniversary of DDay and first one since filing for D

This one feels different. On the other two I was upset and angry. Today I am just sad. Sad for what will never be (and in retrospect, which never would have been anyway). Sad that my plans turned out like this. Sad that I didn't see him for who he was before getting to this point. Sad that I still have to see his face every day and be reminded about what he's done and that he continues to be unremorseful. Sad that it is difficult to start healing with his face in my face every day. Sad that my son has to deal with all this too. Sad that STBXH is not the person I believed him to be. Sad that today does not even register with him even though it was the day my world imploded. Just all around sad.

On the plus side he is at work so I don't have to see him for the rest of the day. Of course it doesn't stop the texts but I can ignore those. Tomorrow is a new day.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022

How do you do NC when life gets in the way?

I am in the middle of my D but STBXH still lives with me. NC is near impossible on a regular day. Recently, a situation came up where his sister was sick. She lives 3000 miles away. It was urgent- didn't look like she would make it. He told me he was going to see her and he was taking my son - there was no discussion. Within two hours they were gone. She passed away before their flight even landed. They stayed three days taking care of arrangements and cleaning out her place. I was not invited to go but afterwards he said I could have gone if I wanted (I didn't like my son being so far away and in STBXH's presence 24/7 for days). I figured if he wanted me there he would have asked me to go and I would not invite myself in this situation. I had to text and call them for any updates regarding which hotel they were in, what flight they were taking home, how long they were staying, etc. I was not kept in the loop. I realize there were things they were dealing with but that does not take every waking moment. Thing is this is still going on. She was cremated and family is by me so I believe there will be a service here. Do I go? Do I see what he says? If he says do what you want, what do I do? I realize he is distraught but due to how he's treated me I don't feel it's my place to comfort him and I'm fairly certain he feels the same. He doesn't believe what I say anyway - does not think I'm being sincere or thinks I'm lying when I tell him I'm sorry, etc. So how do I handle this without being a jerk yet still keep my boundaries? Maybe I'm an awful person but I just don't have the empathy for him that I would have before all his cheating and abuse. I am at a loss. Advice please!

10 comments posted: Monday, February 7th, 2022

This explains a lot

WH still starts in on me with conversations about what I did wrong, how it didn't have to be this way, etc. Today he says "why does this have to be a problem for you?" I told him it's not a problem, it's a boundary and his behavior is unacceptable. Then he says "you don't have boundaries with me!" Just wow. He really believes he should just be able to do what he wants when he wants to and I should just be ok with it. No wonder this D is so difficult.

24 comments posted: Sunday, November 21st, 2021

First holidays since filing for D

How did everyone handle this? I feel as if my WH is expecting things to be as they always were but it is not going to happen. The only way the two of us and our son will spend them together is if we stay home, just the three of us. WH is not welcome at my family's gatherings and I really don't think I want to go to his family. Our son is 16 so he basically would be able to choose but I'm fairly certain if he chooses me WH will have an issue with it and end up putting our son in the middle. There is no legal agreement yet so how does this get settled? If my son chose WH for the holiday I wouldn't be happy but I would respect his decision so as not to put him in the middle, and I know I would still see him at some point.

My brother lives five hours away and has invited me and my son for Thanksgiving. That would mean no time for WH and our son on that holiday due to the overnight stay. How to resolve this? Just leave it all up to our son? Also doesn't feel fair to put that on his shoulders. This just takes all the joy out of the holidays.

16 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021

Served WH D papers one month ago and he is already making it difficult

I just don't understand this. He never fails to tell me what a horrible wife I am, how wonderful AP was (his soulmate - he loved her - was in love with her - is a better woman than I'll ever be) - he does not want to be with me. So WHY is he not making this go smoothly? He won't move out of the house. He is fighting even the process of divorce - says it didn't have to be this way. We should have used mediation (not an option since I don't trust him to be fair). He is still bullying me and trying to manipulate me into saying things about the settlement that would work against me. He tells me I a wasting money on the attorney who is just trying to make a fortune off me. He doesn't want to voluntarily pay some of my atty fees (he is the only one working) and would rather pay 5x more to go to court and have the judge order that he pay them anyway. WHY??? I feel like he's caused me enough pain and we should just get through this as fast as possible so we can get on with our lives.

My attorney has advised me to just not engage with him. When WH starts trying to discuss this, just tell him the attorneys are handling it. I basically have to walk out of the room to get him to stop coming at me trying to get his way. Any other ideas to get this to go more smoothly other than giving him everything he wants?

23 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Joining you...

Today is the first day of getting my life back. WH was served today. I still don't know what his reaction is. He hasn't mentioned it. So very sad it came to this but it needed to be done. Please tell me it gets better.

24 comments posted: Thursday, September 9th, 2021

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