Newest Member: Issyibbitt

BetterTimesAhead

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

Five years after D-Day - update

This site was a lifesaver for me in the early day of learning of my ex's infidelity. D-Day is today. It's been five years. What a difference since the first year, and the second and so on. So how did it turn out for me? First hint should be my "ex's" infidelity. I tried to make it work for 18 months after D-Day but he was one of those who continued to blame me and was not doing anything to change so he wouldn't do this again. He expected me to change. I was all set to see the attorney and my son had a mental health crisis. I had to postpone as I couldn't add his parents' divorce to all the issues he was dealing with. I waited another year and filed with no warning to my ex. He didn't speak to me for three days. He made the process as difficult as possible. He refused to move out of my house and only did so when the signed divorce settlement papers said he had to, which was 4 1/2 years after D-Day. Living with an unremorseful, self-righteous cheater all that time was torture. When he moved out, he took our 18 year old son and my dog with him. I am now dealing with parental alienation if any of you are familiar. I've been in my home by myself about six months now. It is so peaceful!!! I got a job and have been fixing up the house as he left it a mess and in disrepair. I've found that I actually have friends that want to spend time with me (he had discouraged that while he was here). I've been seeing a therapist first to deal with my ex's infidelity and the aftermath, and now for dealing with the parental alienation (two different therapists). I've learned so much about myself and why I made the choices I've made, and that I am stronger than I ever thought possible out of necessity more than anything else. This has been a year of firsts since he moved out. Since his infidelity, holidays and special occasions and even everyday life was different and difficult, and now it's changed again. But I've been through my first birthday, Thanksgiving, Halloween Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day on my own. It hasn't always been easy and sometimes I long for how I *thought* things were, but looking back they were never as I remember. With clear eyes I now see how he never treated me well and his infidelity was just the culmination of unacceptable behavior. There are still adjustments to make and it's not always easy but it is so much better than when I was married to him. I at least have the opportunity for happiness now whether it is on my own or with a partner. I've had to learn to accept the past and everything that is out of my control and try to focus on myself and what I can do. I am trying to make good choices and use what I've learned to make the most of my second chance.

It was a scary step to take, especially financially, but even that is turning out ok. The support I've received from friends and family has been much more than I could have imagined. I hope anyone who believes divorce is the right thing to do for them but is anxious about taking that step will see there will be a lot of positives by doing so and for me, they outweigh the negatives. Peace is invaluable.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

Update on me...

It's been awhile since I posted. Just wanted to provide an update. Backstory - he cheated for three years. He thought I should prove my worth to him. I tried to get him to see the reality of things but at the time I did not know a narc will never see it. Did that for 18 months and decided I had enough if him blaming me for his cheating. Just when I set a date to meet with an attorney, my teen son developed severe mental health issues so I had to postpone as I couldn't add to his troubles. I waited a year which was all I could stand. My son was doing better but still working on things so I filed.

That was two years ago. When I filed, my son was team mom. Since then, his father has manipulated him and he is now team dad. We signed the papers early August. My ex refused to move out of my house during the process so he just moved out Thursday. My 18 year old son went with him. He took my dog. I am heartbroken about both of them but so thrilled and relieved the ex is gone.

Right up until the end the ex was trying to hurt me. He tells me that everything he told me about the AP was a lie because he didn't want me to find her, and that she was really a single, tall, thin, blonde 33 y/o teacher and that I have no idea how serious it really was
He lies all the time so I didn't know what to believe. While cleaning out some of his crap after he left (he left my house a complete and utter mess) I found a love note from his AP and no doubt she was a teacher. It shouldn't still sting but I guess because he was still lying to me when he was supposed to have been coming clean it hit me hard. I never quite believed him but I didn't expect this.

I am now started my single journey at 55 years old. The house is so quiet- too quiet - but there is peace. Thanks for reading

10 comments posted: Sunday, September 3rd, 2023

Anyone in home separation and dealing with a narc causing parental alienation?

I feel like I am losing my mind all over again. In less than two years he has made my son indifferent to me. Any free time he has he spends with his father. He wants nothing to do with me. He knows what his father has done but chooses to disregard it. The divorce is still not done and it's been 20 months already. STBXH is emotionally, verbally and now very close to physically abusive to me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I lost everything. I appreciate any assistance anyone can give me. I don't want to lose my son forever.

18 comments posted: Sunday, April 30th, 2023

Help with my son

I filed for D almost a year ago. It is going very slowly. We are IHS. Initially, my son couldn't stand his father and was all about me. Somewhere about a year ago (before or after I filed for D I don't know) he is now all about his father. He did a total 180 and I have no idea what happened. He only asks me for anything if his father isn't available. He does not choose to spend any free time with me and will do so begrudgingly at times if I ask him. I know his father speaks negatively to him about me based upon what he says in front of me (I can only imagine how bad it is when I am not present and what types of ideas he puts in his head). I do not know what to do to make this better. I have tried to get my son to talk to me but I get very little information about what the issues are. The pain of being sidelined by him is like another betrayal - him choosing the one who destroyed our family and basically ignoring me. He is 17 and I know boys will gravitate to all but the worst fathers at that age. But why the poor treatment towards me? Being human I just want to avoid the whole thing but I know that will not make things better. Of course STBXH is no help and actually makes things worse. What do I do? I can't bear the thought of losing my son too after all we've been through.

11 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022

So tomorrow is my wedding anniversary

18 years, the last six of which were turbulent. The ones before that weren't the greatest either. D is still pending, no settlement yet. This is the first year I am not upset about it since D-Day, and the first one since I filed for D. Progress I guess. I am going to a morning yoga class and will probably then get a bubble tea, treat myself to dinner. It will be weird not mentioning it at all. It was such an important day for so long and now it's one I'd rather forget. Going to give it new meaning now - getting my life back.

9 comments posted: Sunday, June 26th, 2022

Advice for my sitdown...

Finally, nine months after I filed for D, we are having our sitdown to see if we can get this settled. Unfortunately it does not seem likely but you never.

I was looking for any advice anyone can give regarding how to make this successful. I really want this done. I do not want to go to trial. I already know I am not going to get everything I want because nobody does and that I need to have priorities - that which I will negotiate and that which I won't. Any other advice? This is making me anxious.

26 comments posted: Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Third anniversary of DDay and first one since filing for D

This one feels different. On the other two I was upset and angry. Today I am just sad. Sad for what will never be (and in retrospect, which never would have been anyway). Sad that my plans turned out like this. Sad that I didn't see him for who he was before getting to this point. Sad that I still have to see his face every day and be reminded about what he's done and that he continues to be unremorseful. Sad that it is difficult to start healing with his face in my face every day. Sad that my son has to deal with all this too. Sad that STBXH is not the person I believed him to be. Sad that today does not even register with him even though it was the day my world imploded. Just all around sad.

On the plus side he is at work so I don't have to see him for the rest of the day. Of course it doesn't stop the texts but I can ignore those. Tomorrow is a new day.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022

How do you do NC when life gets in the way?

I am in the middle of my D but STBXH still lives with me. NC is near impossible on a regular day. Recently, a situation came up where his sister was sick. She lives 3000 miles away. It was urgent- didn't look like she would make it. He told me he was going to see her and he was taking my son - there was no discussion. Within two hours they were gone. She passed away before their flight even landed. They stayed three days taking care of arrangements and cleaning out her place. I was not invited to go but afterwards he said I could have gone if I wanted (I didn't like my son being so far away and in STBXH's presence 24/7 for days). I figured if he wanted me there he would have asked me to go and I would not invite myself in this situation. I had to text and call them for any updates regarding which hotel they were in, what flight they were taking home, how long they were staying, etc. I was not kept in the loop. I realize there were things they were dealing with but that does not take every waking moment. Thing is this is still going on. She was cremated and family is by me so I believe there will be a service here. Do I go? Do I see what he says? If he says do what you want, what do I do? I realize he is distraught but due to how he's treated me I don't feel it's my place to comfort him and I'm fairly certain he feels the same. He doesn't believe what I say anyway - does not think I'm being sincere or thinks I'm lying when I tell him I'm sorry, etc. So how do I handle this without being a jerk yet still keep my boundaries? Maybe I'm an awful person but I just don't have the empathy for him that I would have before all his cheating and abuse. I am at a loss. Advice please!

10 comments posted: Monday, February 7th, 2022

This explains a lot

WH still starts in on me with conversations about what I did wrong, how it didn't have to be this way, etc. Today he says "why does this have to be a problem for you?" I told him it's not a problem, it's a boundary and his behavior is unacceptable. Then he says "you don't have boundaries with me!" Just wow. He really believes he should just be able to do what he wants when he wants to and I should just be ok with it. No wonder this D is so difficult.

24 comments posted: Sunday, November 21st, 2021

First holidays since filing for D

How did everyone handle this? I feel as if my WH is expecting things to be as they always were but it is not going to happen. The only way the two of us and our son will spend them together is if we stay home, just the three of us. WH is not welcome at my family's gatherings and I really don't think I want to go to his family. Our son is 16 so he basically would be able to choose but I'm fairly certain if he chooses me WH will have an issue with it and end up putting our son in the middle. There is no legal agreement yet so how does this get settled? If my son chose WH for the holiday I wouldn't be happy but I would respect his decision so as not to put him in the middle, and I know I would still see him at some point.

My brother lives five hours away and has invited me and my son for Thanksgiving. That would mean no time for WH and our son on that holiday due to the overnight stay. How to resolve this? Just leave it all up to our son? Also doesn't feel fair to put that on his shoulders. This just takes all the joy out of the holidays.

16 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021

Served WH D papers one month ago and he is already making it difficult

I just don't understand this. He never fails to tell me what a horrible wife I am, how wonderful AP was (his soulmate - he loved her - was in love with her - is a better woman than I'll ever be) - he does not want to be with me. So WHY is he not making this go smoothly? He won't move out of the house. He is fighting even the process of divorce - says it didn't have to be this way. We should have used mediation (not an option since I don't trust him to be fair). He is still bullying me and trying to manipulate me into saying things about the settlement that would work against me. He tells me I a wasting money on the attorney who is just trying to make a fortune off me. He doesn't want to voluntarily pay some of my atty fees (he is the only one working) and would rather pay 5x more to go to court and have the judge order that he pay them anyway. WHY??? I feel like he's caused me enough pain and we should just get through this as fast as possible so we can get on with our lives.

My attorney has advised me to just not engage with him. When WH starts trying to discuss this, just tell him the attorneys are handling it. I basically have to walk out of the room to get him to stop coming at me trying to get his way. Any other ideas to get this to go more smoothly other than giving him everything he wants?

23 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Joining you...

Today is the first day of getting my life back. WH was served today. I still don't know what his reaction is. He hasn't mentioned it. So very sad it came to this but it needed to be done. Please tell me it gets better.

24 comments posted: Thursday, September 9th, 2021

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